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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Child maintenance one night stand

508 replies

Roses121 · 18/07/2023 13:48

I got pregnant from a one night stand 2 years ago. I was 19 at the time and he was 35. Wasn’t really thinking straight and although we used contraception I ended up pregnant.

I made the decision to keep my baby and knew full well I would be raising him on my own. I didn’t want a relationship with him.
I didn’t have any expectations for his father although he said he wanted to be in his life and has been.

My son has never stayed overnight with him as he’s breastfed (16 months now), so we’ve only ever met at public places as I would feel a bit weird having him at my place and vice versa.
When we met I was aware that he had kids (2) and he told me he had split from his ex 3 years prior. Looking back now, it’s possible he lied about the last part just to get me in to bed.
I have not met her or their kids or anyone from his family and vice versa. Contact is not that often, maybe once or twice a month.

I am starting uni in September and will have less money since I’ll have to take on less hours at work. Up until this point I have never asked him for money nor has he offered but after looking at the child maintenance calculator I think my son is entitled to 300-400 monthly.

I know that legally a man is obliged to pay this but morally speaking, would it be wrong to put in a claim since we didn’t plan the baby? Also I will add that although he was shocked when I told him I was pregnant, as was I, he never said ‘I don’t want it.’ I think it’s likely that he pays for his other kids, whether he is in a relationship with her or not, so I think it’s unfair on my son to get nothing but I’m also aware if I do claim it then he’ll have less money for his other kids so I feel a bit bad about that.
I don’t know his salary but Googling average incomes for his job are between 30-50k hence why it estimates 300-400, he is also currently building a house in another country so I know he’s not broke if you get me.

Hope this all make sense x

OP posts:
Roses121 · 18/07/2023 15:09

@EasterIssland No he’s not on the birth certificate.
I’m not sure he would want more contact as he has a pretty busy life. Works a lot and has 2 other kids who he sees weekly apparently.

OP posts:
CakeyBakeyHeart · 18/07/2023 15:09

LifeExperience · 18/07/2023 14:46

Every time a man ejaculates in a woman, he is giving consent to become a father, with all that implies. Your child is owed the money; get it for him.

By this logic abortion services should be removed for couples who have had consensual sex and become pregnant due to contraceptive failure (as they’ve both apparently consented to having a baby).

Tiredalwaystired · 18/07/2023 15:10

Try and reframe it in your mind. This is what your child is entitled to. From his father. Whether you planned this child or not, your (joint) son is here and he deserves to have what he needs.

You need to advocate for him here.

Soapyspuds · 18/07/2023 15:14

Every time a man ejaculates in a woman, he is giving consent to become a father, with all that implies. Your child is owed the money; get it for him

Oh behave. That is complete nonsense.

NewNovember · 18/07/2023 15:15

Shocked 14% of people think you are unreasonable op. You are not at all.

NoTouch · 18/07/2023 15:17

CM is to support the NRP's child. The child exists and the circumstances of how the child came to be are completely irrelevant. Even if the child was conceived through deception it is still the NRP's child and not the child fault. They still need to be supported.

Even if you didn't need the money to support the child the CM should be claimed and put away in a bank account for their future needs.

uncertainalice · 18/07/2023 15:19

Unless things have changed since I last claimed, if he lives with his other kids then their need for maintenance would be taken into account as a fixed amount (set by CMS), and then your claim would be calculated on his income AFTER that fixed amount is removed.

If he doesn't live with his other kids then I think - but not 100% sure - that the CMS would divide maintenance equally between them, so all 3 get the same, even though the calculation will be based on the CMS amounts allowed for child 1, subsequent child 2 at same address, and then child 3.

Wheresthebeach · 18/07/2023 15:21

Of course he should pay. Awful that he isn’t doing this already.

momtoboys · 18/07/2023 15:22

Does anyone else find it strange that the OP has known this person for two years and doesn't even know where he lives? With that being said, absolutely file for support.

Notamum12345577 · 18/07/2023 15:23

CakeyBakeyHeart · 18/07/2023 15:09

By this logic abortion services should be removed for couples who have had consensual sex and become pregnant due to contraceptive failure (as they’ve both apparently consented to having a baby).

That is what some people believe

MsRosley · 18/07/2023 15:24

If he didn't want a baby, he shouldn't have fucked you, OP. It's the only sure fire way to ensure you don't end up with one.

Of course he should contribute towards his son.

Channellingsophistication · 18/07/2023 15:24

Of course he should pay you maintenance. It’s pretty bad that he seen the baby and not been paying… ok baby wasn’t planned for him but it wasn’t planned for you either. You will need all the money you can for your son - he’s entitled to it. Good luck with your studies.

MrsSquirrel · 18/07/2023 15:26

momtoboys · 18/07/2023 15:22

Does anyone else find it strange that the OP has known this person for two years and doesn't even know where he lives? With that being said, absolutely file for support.

I don't find it strange. It was a ONS. He was probably married at the time. He probably was and is not being 100% honest with her.

MrsSquirrel · 18/07/2023 15:27

It's not strange, just more evidence he is a wanker.

Roses121 · 18/07/2023 15:28

I never saw him after that night until my son was 4 months old (so we met over a year later since our one night stand.) He was out of the country when I gave birth and told me there was ‘no rush’ to meet when he came back so I waited until he messaged me 4 month pp.
Since then it’s been 1/2 times a month but I’m pretty sure there’s been months where he hasn’t seen him at all because I’m busy on the date he suggested.

OP posts:
Whatthefuck3456 · 18/07/2023 15:30

men who are not on the birth cert should not have to pay maintenance. It’s the mums choice to not give the father legal rights so he should not have to pay as is not on the birth cert

MsJumpalot · 18/07/2023 15:31

Definitely claim and make sure your son is getting what he deserves. It doesn’t matter about his other children, CSA will take them into consideration and adjust payments accordingly, but you shouldn’t be left to pay everything. The simple fact he isn’t paying by choice shows what sortof person he is. Good luck with uni.

usererror99 · 18/07/2023 15:31

Roses121 · 18/07/2023 15:09

@EasterIssland No he’s not on the birth certificate.
I’m not sure he would want more contact as he has a pretty busy life. Works a lot and has 2 other kids who he sees weekly apparently.

To be honest I think if a mother deliberately leaves a man off the birth certificate when she knows full well who he is then no she shouldn't expect CMS.

Did he know you weren't on contraception? That's also a factor in my mind. If you said you were / it would be ok / you do those natural cycle apps and you just "knew" it would be fine then also I don't think CMS is due.

Lots of factors probably not many that others on MN would agree with

Whatthefuck3456 · 18/07/2023 15:33

usererror99 · 18/07/2023 15:31

To be honest I think if a mother deliberately leaves a man off the birth certificate when she knows full well who he is then no she shouldn't expect CMS.

Did he know you weren't on contraception? That's also a factor in my mind. If you said you were / it would be ok / you do those natural cycle apps and you just "knew" it would be fine then also I don't think CMS is due.

Lots of factors probably not many that others on MN would agree with

Completely agree

BibbleandSqwauk · 18/07/2023 15:33

If a man is named on the BC he has parental rights. He can prevent the

TattiePants · 18/07/2023 15:34

Whatthefuck3456 · 18/07/2023 15:30

men who are not on the birth cert should not have to pay maintenance. It’s the mums choice to not give the father legal rights so he should not have to pay as is not on the birth cert

You know that a mum cannot put a man that she is not married to on the birth certificate? You really think this prince among men would have gone along to the appointment with her and given his consent when he didn't even meet his baby till it was 4 months old.

Reugny · 18/07/2023 15:35

usererror99 · 18/07/2023 15:31

To be honest I think if a mother deliberately leaves a man off the birth certificate when she knows full well who he is then no she shouldn't expect CMS.

Did he know you weren't on contraception? That's also a factor in my mind. If you said you were / it would be ok / you do those natural cycle apps and you just "knew" it would be fine then also I don't think CMS is due.

Lots of factors probably not many that others on MN would agree with

For the father to be added to the birth certificate at the time of registration he needs to go with the mother to the registration appointment.

As you don't really get a choice of appointments and they go quickly, if the parents aren't communicating well then unfortunately it means if the father doesn't turn up at the appointed date and time with the correct ID then he won't get put on the birth certificate.

He can be put on the child's birth certificate later but it is up to him to sort that out not the mother.

Roses121 · 18/07/2023 15:35

@usererror99 we had no conversation about whether I was on contraception or not (I wasn’t and never have been.) hence why we used condoms.
What are you trying to say?
also I didn’t ‘deliberately’ leave him off the birth certificate. He wasn’t in the country when I went to register him.

OP posts:
BibbleandSqwauk · 18/07/2023 15:36

Sorry, he can prevent the mother moving, intervene in school and healthcare decisions, whilst having zero obligation to do any practical parenting or regular contact. Sadly there are many many abusive controlling men out there who would absolutely use this as a hold over the mother and so in the absence of a positive or stable relationship I can completely see the argument for not naming them. It has absolutely nothing to do with the legal responsibility for providing financial support.

PizzaPastaWine · 18/07/2023 15:37

Whatthefuck3456 · 18/07/2023 15:30

men who are not on the birth cert should not have to pay maintenance. It’s the mums choice to not give the father legal rights so he should not have to pay as is not on the birth cert

So by this logic because the OP does not have the 'correct' paperwork the child should go without financially - that's ridiculous.

This is about financial support for a child.

Crack on with the application for CM OP.

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