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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child maintenance one night stand

508 replies

Roses121 · 18/07/2023 13:48

I got pregnant from a one night stand 2 years ago. I was 19 at the time and he was 35. Wasn’t really thinking straight and although we used contraception I ended up pregnant.

I made the decision to keep my baby and knew full well I would be raising him on my own. I didn’t want a relationship with him.
I didn’t have any expectations for his father although he said he wanted to be in his life and has been.

My son has never stayed overnight with him as he’s breastfed (16 months now), so we’ve only ever met at public places as I would feel a bit weird having him at my place and vice versa.
When we met I was aware that he had kids (2) and he told me he had split from his ex 3 years prior. Looking back now, it’s possible he lied about the last part just to get me in to bed.
I have not met her or their kids or anyone from his family and vice versa. Contact is not that often, maybe once or twice a month.

I am starting uni in September and will have less money since I’ll have to take on less hours at work. Up until this point I have never asked him for money nor has he offered but after looking at the child maintenance calculator I think my son is entitled to 300-400 monthly.

I know that legally a man is obliged to pay this but morally speaking, would it be wrong to put in a claim since we didn’t plan the baby? Also I will add that although he was shocked when I told him I was pregnant, as was I, he never said ‘I don’t want it.’ I think it’s likely that he pays for his other kids, whether he is in a relationship with her or not, so I think it’s unfair on my son to get nothing but I’m also aware if I do claim it then he’ll have less money for his other kids so I feel a bit bad about that.
I don’t know his salary but Googling average incomes for his job are between 30-50k hence why it estimates 300-400, he is also currently building a house in another country so I know he’s not broke if you get me.

Hope this all make sense x

OP posts:
Rudimental · 18/07/2023 14:10

@Roses121 has he read the message?

uncertainalice · 18/07/2023 14:11

If you currently have a reasonable relationship then I'd first try and see if you can sort this out between you - find out what he earns and then put that through the calculator.

If he isn't forthcoming THEN go to CMS, as doing that straight off, ie assuming he's going to be unhelpful, will affect your relationship. If you have to do it then of course you do it, but I would try asking nicely first. And before I get jumped on for that last phrase, this is about trying to maintain a currently harmonious relationship, not about the OP being grateful for him paying.

mn29 · 18/07/2023 14:11

He should be paying for a child that is his, your son deserves to be provided for by his father. He did choose - he chose to take the risk as it's always a possible outcome of sleeping with someone - no contraception is 100% reliable.

Milk2SugarsAndAShotOfYourFinestValium · 18/07/2023 14:17

The only "morally wrong" person here is the man who hasn't already offered to pay for the child he made with a teenager.

Don't let your son be guilted out of what he is entitled to by being made to feel his existence is somehow all on you.

Well done on university! x

GingerIsBest · 18/07/2023 14:19

Well, I'd be questioning the fact that in 16 months he's never contributed a penny. What a wanker. I've spent more money on random children in the street than he has on his actual son.

So I think it's pretty likely that no, he does NOT want to contribute financially and he will be angry you've even suggested it. I also suspect he's still married, or, at the very least, was when this child was conceived.

I'm not very optimistic so I suspect your best bet is to go to CMS and hope for the best.

whynotwhatknot · 18/07/2023 14:23

if hes emplyed let the cms sort it out they'll get all his information and how much he earns

i cant belive he hasnt offered anything n 16 months

caringcarer · 18/07/2023 14:25

Use that above link and apply immediately. They will ask him about his work and sort out how much your child will get. It's not fair on your child not to apply.

mummydoris2006 · 18/07/2023 14:26

@Roses121 I've never been in this situation so please don't take what I'm saying as gospel, it's just something that at the back of my mind I seem to think I saw on here once.

If a new CM claim is made doesn't it reduce the amount already being paid to the mother of all other claimants, I think you said he had a couple of other children. Does the figure you have worked out your DS would be eligible for take this into consideration? I Just didn't want you trying to work out budgeting etc on a figure that may be significantly less if split three ways rather than one if you were expecting CM to only be paid to your DS if that makes sense.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 18/07/2023 14:30

Yanbu.....but be aware you won't get anything near to 300 / 400 pm when he's already paying for 2 kids. The maximum csa can deduct is about 20%. Divide that by 3 and you're looking at around 160 per month.

GatoradeMeBitch · 18/07/2023 14:31

It's staggeringly selfish that in 16 months this 35 year old man has not offered any financial assistance to the then-teenager he impregnated. Yes, apply.

When you mention it to him it might be an idea to take a friend to the park to sit nearby, or at least let your family know when you are meeting him. And continue to meet in a public place. This man sounds very much like a married douchebag and won't want any kind of paper trail so he will be angry. Protect yourself.

And expect him to threaten to take full custody because that's page one in the "how dare you try to make me take any responsibility" playbook. He won't get full custody. And if you are at all unsure about him don't let him take the baby by himself either. Tell him visitation can be worked out in family court.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/07/2023 14:31

I wouldn’t bother to wait for an answer. The fact he hasn’t offered is the answer. And the silence is just reminding you of this. He’s a lot lot older than you and when you get to age 35 you’ll realise just how much of a difference those years make and how much he has taken advantage of you. What a Prince. 😡

It sounds as if he can easily afford to give you money and any decent man would offer to pay his way, especially one, who’s already a father and approaching 40.

Not claiming money is also detrimental to your ds even if you didn’t need it for day to day expenses. It would be useful to build a nest egg, to go on holiday, for a sport/hobby when your ds is older etc.

MaxwellCat · 18/07/2023 14:32

GatoradeMeBitch · 18/07/2023 14:31

It's staggeringly selfish that in 16 months this 35 year old man has not offered any financial assistance to the then-teenager he impregnated. Yes, apply.

When you mention it to him it might be an idea to take a friend to the park to sit nearby, or at least let your family know when you are meeting him. And continue to meet in a public place. This man sounds very much like a married douchebag and won't want any kind of paper trail so he will be angry. Protect yourself.

And expect him to threaten to take full custody because that's page one in the "how dare you try to make me take any responsibility" playbook. He won't get full custody. And if you are at all unsure about him don't let him take the baby by himself either. Tell him visitation can be worked out in family court.

Full custody? I would be more prepared for him to cut contact…. He sees the child 1/2 times a month

Humidititties · 18/07/2023 14:33

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 18/07/2023 14:30

Yanbu.....but be aware you won't get anything near to 300 / 400 pm when he's already paying for 2 kids. The maximum csa can deduct is about 20%. Divide that by 3 and you're looking at around 160 per month.

Surely that depends on what he earns?

pontipinemum · 18/07/2023 14:33

Yes he should be paying for his child! What a prick.

I would talk to him and try come to an arrangement. If ye get on it will make life easier. But if he doesn't co-operate go through legal channels.

ManateeFair · 18/07/2023 14:33

morally speaking, would it be wrong to put in a claim since we didn’t plan the baby

He had a baby with you, which he did not plan, and he pays nothing.

You had a baby with him, which you also did not plan, and you pay... everything.

That isn't remotely fair. He could have used a condom if he didn't want to risk having a child. He is just as responsible for your child as you are and yes, of course you should be asking him to pay towards his child's care.

If he only sees your son once a month, has never introduced him to any of his family and hasn't offered to pay a penny towards his care, than I strongly suspect he was in a relationship when you got pregnant and is still in that relationship now. That's why he's suddenly gone quiet when you asked for money. He is aware that his wife/girlfriend will now find out about his secret child once £300 starts disappearing from their bank account every month.

I strongly doubt he'll volunteer any payment (or if he does offer, it will then never actually materialise on any regular basis) so if I were you I would definitely be putting in a child support claim so that he has no option but to contribute.

I also suspect his interest in seeing your son will fizzle out quite rapidly when it becomes more of an effort for him.

pepino · 18/07/2023 14:33

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 18/07/2023 14:00

Every time you have sex with a woman of childbearing age there's a risk of pregnancy. Of course he should pay, whether he "wants" to or not. Can't believe he's never offered you a penny.

This. It would've been cheaper to buy some condoms...

gemstoneju · 18/07/2023 14:34

First, well done on working and studying and achieving a uni place while you still have such a young child and are alone.

Yes, of course he should pay. And of course he's never offered - he probably can't believe his luck! What sort of man is happy for the state or the child's mother and her family to support, clothe and feed HIS child?

You said you now suspect him of lying about being single - well, there you have it in a nutshell. He's a devious scumbag and moral invertebrate. He got what he wanted from you and slithered away.

Do make a claim ASAP though - if he's 'building a house' abroad then he could up sticks and fuck off, which then makes claiming child support very difficult, if not impossible.

Call the CMS and good luck! Wink

MammaTo · 18/07/2023 14:34

I think I’m going to get roasted for this but here we go.

Can I ask why at the start of your post you say you was going to raise the baby alone and have no relationship - but he does actually see the baby? To me no relationship would mean he doesn’t have anything to do with you. Because you started the post with this, it just makes me think why say no relationship but still want him to pay for the baby.
When you decided to raise the baby alone did you expect him to contribute then, or is it only because you’re starting uni you want him to contribute.

DrSbaitso · 18/07/2023 14:36

Of course he needs to support his own child. Don't make the mistake of thinking the money is for you.

It being unplanned makes no difference. He chose to have sex and take the risk. If he's not responsible for his child, who is?

xogossipgirlxo · 18/07/2023 14:36

One night stand or not, he's still the father. Should have thought about protection too, but didn't. Apply for maintenance, it's not for fags and wine, it's for your child.

MaxwellCat · 18/07/2023 14:36

MammaTo · 18/07/2023 14:34

I think I’m going to get roasted for this but here we go.

Can I ask why at the start of your post you say you was going to raise the baby alone and have no relationship - but he does actually see the baby? To me no relationship would mean he doesn’t have anything to do with you. Because you started the post with this, it just makes me think why say no relationship but still want him to pay for the baby.
When you decided to raise the baby alone did you expect him to contribute then, or is it only because you’re starting uni you want him to contribute.

Tbf I think she meant when she kept the baby she was fully prepared to do it alone and him not bother seeing the child since that is what usually happens in these situations

ManateeFair · 18/07/2023 14:36

Humidititties · 18/07/2023 14:33

Surely that depends on what he earns?

Show quote history

The OP said what (she estimates) he earns in her post.

BillyNoM8s · 18/07/2023 14:36

MammaTo · 18/07/2023 14:34

I think I’m going to get roasted for this but here we go.

Can I ask why at the start of your post you say you was going to raise the baby alone and have no relationship - but he does actually see the baby? To me no relationship would mean he doesn’t have anything to do with you. Because you started the post with this, it just makes me think why say no relationship but still want him to pay for the baby.
When you decided to raise the baby alone did you expect him to contribute then, or is it only because you’re starting uni you want him to contribute.

It's irrelevant what OP's reasons are. He fathered the child, he needs to contribute.

Ap42 · 18/07/2023 14:38

You absolutely have to claim. Disgusting that he hasn't contributed anything.
As pagers have said be mindful of the fact they will take into account his other children and this will reduce the amount you receive.
I came to a private agreement with my children's father, until he cut maintenance on Xmas eve as he was angry over something. I went to the CSA and he was actually lying about his earnings, so maintenence went up by £350 a month! My point being is sometimes its better to cut out the middle man and go straight to CSA. Just be careful he isn't self employed, as often they are able to fiddle their books to make it look as though their earning peanuts x

EasterIssland · 18/07/2023 14:38

Is he on birth certificate ? Bear in mind as well that if they want to start having the child/seeing them more often then they’ll be entitled to it if that’s the case.