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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He is not in love with her 2 weeks before wedding

366 replies

grassverge · 18/07/2023 00:06

Alfie has decided 2 weeks before their wedding that he does not want to get married and doesn’t love Claire. They have a new 10 year mortgage together, a two year old and his 3 kids from a previous marriage. She has paid 300k deposit on house and 20k on wedding. He paid 0 deposit but needs his salary for the mortgage. She is in shock and is willing to go ahead with the marriage if he will agree. Claire has only told me, a friend and is too embarrassed to tell anyone else. She is hoping he will change his mind. I want to say end it no matter if he changes his mind AIBU?

OP posts:
Luckingfovely · 18/07/2023 00:10

It sounds like a great plot for something or other. But in the real world, yes, obviously she shouldn't marry him, not in a million years.

Original poster
grassverge · 18/07/2023 00:12

I wish it was a book plot. Claire is distraught.

OP posts:
CountFoscoHasMiceInHisPocket · 18/07/2023 00:13

If she marries him the relationship will splutter on for a few weeks or months and then fall apart and he'll have a claim on the house that she's paid a £300K deposit on.

I'd be tempted to lock her in a room.

maddening · 18/07/2023 00:15

If she marries him he will have a claim on her £300k, she needs to back out imo

Readyplayerthr33 · 18/07/2023 00:15

She must not marry him! He’ll get a share of the house in the divorce. Her house. Her deposit.

GoldDuster · 18/07/2023 00:15

Don't do it Claire

LaylaLjungberg · 18/07/2023 00:16

As mentioned. Lure her into a cupboard and lock her in for her own safety. Poor woman.

vodkaredbullgirl · 18/07/2023 00:16

Claire should LTB or kick him out.

TicTac80 · 18/07/2023 00:18

Don’t marry him Claire!

Precipice · 18/07/2023 00:19

It's the difference between splitting up now and splitting up later. He doesn't love her and he doesn't want to be with her. Why add the hassle and expense of a divorce to the break-up? Why add more financial entanglement than exists already?

She'd be insane to marry him.

Lavender14 · 18/07/2023 00:21

CountFoscoHasMiceInHisPocket · 18/07/2023 00:13

If she marries him the relationship will splutter on for a few weeks or months and then fall apart and he'll have a claim on the house that she's paid a £300K deposit on.

I'd be tempted to lock her in a room.

I'd recognise that she's probably feeling horrified and hoping it's cold feet and worried about the implications of canceling the wedding this late but I'd ask her if she'd actually be willing to spend £150k on it. I'd suggest postponing the wedding for now so she gives herself some breathing room to make a rational decision with less pressure. God love her that's awful.

Original poster
grassverge · 18/07/2023 00:21

I think Claire is in shock and embarrassed to tell her guests who have booked leave and bought hotel rooms and outfits. She cannot think straight. I have no idea why Alfie is doing this to her.

OP posts:
CountFoscoHasMiceInHisPocket · 18/07/2023 00:23

grassverge · 18/07/2023 00:21

I think Claire is in shock and embarrassed to tell her guests who have booked leave and bought hotel rooms and outfits. She cannot think straight. I have no idea why Alfie is doing this to her.

Embarrassment will soon pass. Losing a big wedge of cash to a fleeting spouse will be harder to swallow.

Hiddenvoice · 18/07/2023 00:23

Don’t marry him, he doesn’t love her now and seems to be using her. She deserves better. As heartbreaking as this is and a major loss of money, it’s a lot better to end it now than down the line trying to get divorced.

Fraaahnces · 18/07/2023 00:24

Ffs, why would she legally bind herself to that arse when she has invested so much?

summerisontheway · 18/07/2023 00:24

So she has taken on his 3 kids from his previous marriage and he doesn't want to marry her despite this and the fact they have a 2 year old together.
Call me old-fashioned but it really is best to not have kids until the relationship is legally formalised.

RosaCaramella · 18/07/2023 00:26

She deserves much much better and I hope she realises this before it’s too late.

Canisaysomething · 18/07/2023 00:34

Why is Claire the one to be embarrassed!? He has totally humiliated her, she should be absolutely fuming. If I were Claire, I would contact everyone ASAP and say "sorry the wedding is off, please contact Alfie if you want an explanation".

Luckingfovely · 18/07/2023 00:37

Alfie has done her a favour. At least now she knows and can canx the wedding.

Marrying someone who doesn't love you is a far, far worse scenario than cancelling a wedding. You need to frame it that way. She's had a very lucky escape.

BadNomad · 18/07/2023 00:37

I hope Claire ringfenced her huge deposit.

AndyMcFlurry · 18/07/2023 00:40

Luckingfovely · 18/07/2023 00:37

Alfie has done her a favour. At least now she knows and can canx the wedding.

Marrying someone who doesn't love you is a far, far worse scenario than cancelling a wedding. You need to frame it that way. She's had a very lucky escape.

This.

Brokendaughter · 18/07/2023 00:43

This is her chance to get free of it.

He has told her who he is, now she needs to believe it & act on it before she throws away a deposit big enough to buy a house outright as a single woman.

If they get married, it's half his house & when he fucks around because he didn't really want to be married to her & already told her he doesn't love her BEFORE she agreed that was okay, it will be her own fault.

She needs to get out & frankly, £20,000 is a bargain price to be free compared to what it will cost her if she manages to get him to the altar.

ErrolTheDragon · 18/07/2023 00:44

Poor Claire.

Re the £20k, you may need to explain the sunk cost fallacy to her. If she persuades Alfie to go through with the wedding, she's bound to lose a lot more in the long run.

Re the guests - any who have her best interests at heart will have nothing but sympathy and support for her. Any who care about their new outfits more than her...

JFDIYOLO · 18/07/2023 00:44

What an arse. So sorry, Chloe.

He has rejected and devastated her.

Better she's found out now, before getting tied into a legally binding contract that makes him co-owner of her house, income and pension.

Best move is to start making arrangements for him to move himself and his children out.

Send him a bill for his half of any of the money that can't be refunded.

And tell her own friends and family that the wedding is cancelled, and leave him to tell his.

Awful right now, but this will be easier to get over than the inevitable later divorce mess.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 18/07/2023 00:45

grassverge · 18/07/2023 00:21

I think Claire is in shock and embarrassed to tell her guests who have booked leave and bought hotel rooms and outfits. She cannot think straight. I have no idea why Alfie is doing this to her.

Well presumably he's done it because he's not in love with her. Better it comes out now than after they get married.

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