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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He is not in love with her 2 weeks before wedding

366 replies

grassverge · 18/07/2023 00:06

Alfie has decided 2 weeks before their wedding that he does not want to get married and doesn’t love Claire. They have a new 10 year mortgage together, a two year old and his 3 kids from a previous marriage. She has paid 300k deposit on house and 20k on wedding. He paid 0 deposit but needs his salary for the mortgage. She is in shock and is willing to go ahead with the marriage if he will agree. Claire has only told me, a friend and is too embarrassed to tell anyone else. She is hoping he will change his mind. I want to say end it no matter if he changes his mind AIBU?

OP posts:
HarrietStyles · 18/07/2023 07:08

Absolutely do not marry him under any circumstance. Although he is a shitbag for dropping this bomb 2 weeks before the wedding……… it was better than 2 weeks after.
Firstly - never marry someone who doesn’t love you. It will never last and you don’t deserve that.
Secondly - don’t tie yourself financially to someone who doesn’t even love you. Why would you give them a claim to half your hefty deposit, when they don’t even love you.

noglow · 18/07/2023 07:11

grassverge · 18/07/2023 00:21

I think Claire is in shock and embarrassed to tell her guests who have booked leave and bought hotel rooms and outfits. She cannot think straight. I have no idea why Alfie is doing this to her.

Someone else (you) can sort all that for her.

What is the situation with the house-are they joint tenants or tenants in common?

Brefugee · 18/07/2023 07:12

grassverge · 18/07/2023 00:21

I think Claire is in shock and embarrassed to tell her guests who have booked leave and bought hotel rooms and outfits. She cannot think straight. I have no idea why Alfie is doing this to her.

have only read OPs posts: Claire needs to lawyer up. And then she needs to ask her best trusted friends to tell her guests for her.
But bottom line: don't marry him

HarrietStyles · 18/07/2023 07:12

Also call all the wedding suppliers ASAP and cancel anything you can do that will get any fraction of the money back. They might be able to sell it as a last minute package to someone else.
If you cannot get money back from your wedding venue and caterer then throw a massive party with all your best girlfriends……. Eat, drink, dance, celebrate the bullet you have just dodged and of course sob into your best friends shoulders for comfort.

noglow · 18/07/2023 07:12

And if it helps her - as a guest it would be more awkward to have celebrated a wedding then get told it was all a lie a month later

WellPlaced · 18/07/2023 07:12

grassverge · 18/07/2023 00:21

I think Claire is in shock and embarrassed to tell her guests who have booked leave and bought hotel rooms and outfits. She cannot think straight. I have no idea why Alfie is doing this to her.

Alfie has done this because he’s a total shit and probably always was. Ask his ex

Cakeandcoffee93 · 18/07/2023 07:13

Send a letter out Claire- or message explaining it.
don’t be embarrassed, Alfie is a twat
i hope you kick him out of your massive house and move on xx

lemoncurd1995 · 18/07/2023 07:13

Obviously this story is bollocks, no-one refers to actual names on here.

And obviously she shouldn't marry him. Did we need a mumsnet post to state the obvious?

Brefugee · 18/07/2023 07:13

well, no. But. If it is true, or if someone out there is really facing this situation - the answers are a mix of good advice

AtlasOfImperfection · 18/07/2023 07:13

Claire needs to go and speak with a good solicitor and following that, a good therapist.

Claire would be bonkers to marry, she doesn't feel lucky at the moment, but in a few years time she will look back at Alfie's pre wedding honesty as a lucky break.

I have sat through weddings that should have been called off, honestly any guest worth having in your life would rather you call it all off than see you miserable!

Blueskies13 · 18/07/2023 07:16

Maybe this is a case of pre wedding panic? Considering the house and 2 year old. What are his reasons. But if he literally does not love her she knows she cannot marry him. It will be the worst day of her life. He may have done her a massive favour by telling her now. Is pushing the date back an option to give him/her time to consider?

WellPlaced · 18/07/2023 07:17

Alfie needs to be the one telling the guests and all the hard work cancelling everything .

WellPlaced · 18/07/2023 07:18

I also suspect Alfie has the next mother to his baby in his sights

CleverLilViper · 18/07/2023 07:18

Leave at work can be cancelled, outfits returned or sold or used for a later date. Hotels can be cancelled as well and if it’s enough notice there may be no charge.

All of that stuff is practicalities. Stuff that can be worked out. I’m sure no one in their right mind would want her to go ahead and marry this guy just because they bought an outfit and took a day or two off from work. That’s madness.

She needs to know that even if they get married a divorce is on the cards already. It’ll happen whether it’s weeks down the line, months or years.

When it happens, she will lose half of everything that she worked for and he didn’t. It’s clear why he would go into this marriage feeling as he does because financially he’s going to benefit tremendously.

To avoid embarrassment is she willing to pay 150k for that? Really?

As others have suggested lure her into a room and lock the door. Do everything you can to get her to see how foolish and the costs of this will be. It’s hard now but it will be a lot harder later if she goes through with it.

CapEBarra · 18/07/2023 07:20

summerisontheway · 18/07/2023 00:24

So she has taken on his 3 kids from his previous marriage and he doesn't want to marry her despite this and the fact they have a 2 year old together.
Call me old-fashioned but it really is best to not have kids until the relationship is legally formalised.

What is the actual point of a post like that? ‘Call me old fashioned…’ blah blah blah. The OP came here looking for support and you trot out a load of judgemental bollox disguised as ‘advice’ that could only be achieved by suspending the laws of physics and the judicial use of a Time Machine.

OP, Claire can’t marry him. He’d be entitled to a share of the house and god knows what else. If he has told her he doesn’t love her is he still willing to go through with it? And if so, is it for the sake of convenience - so that he’ll have someone to help him bring up his children and hopefully a nice settlement in the divorce? Either way, it sounds like a terrible deal for her, and I hope she gathers her courage and her wits and calls off the whole sorry mess.

BarrelOfOtters · 18/07/2023 07:20

I’d tell her to tell everyone…and for those she loves to keep their hotel bookings and have a meal and do something with her on the day. Alfie needs calling out.

heckmuffin · 18/07/2023 07:30

She's got a £300k deposit and one child to house. She should be able to find a good home for her and the child. Unless she's desperate for a certain fairytale 'lifestyle' and wedding?

Claire, if you are real, don't be so bloody daft.

GameOverBoys · 18/07/2023 07:33

Some men are so bloody useless they make the women do the mental load of breaking up when they are the person who actually wants to end it. Clare needs to dump him and find a real man.

Replacethelightbulb · 18/07/2023 07:40

Thank goodness Alfie at least had enough about him to tell her before they entered into a legally binding contract which would give him a claim on her sizeable pot of money. As painful and as devastating as it is Claire, believe what he says.

Gazelda · 18/07/2023 07:50

If she marries, claire will forever have in the back of her mind that he's not 100% committed and could go at any time.
He'll throw it back in her face during every argument about socks, kids, bin day or whatever. "I told you I didn't want to marry but you guilted me into it!"
She'll resent the financial obligation she'll be committed to when they inevitably divorce.

Sad as it is, cancelling is the only sensible thing to do. I really feel for her, it must be devastating.

TheBerry · 18/07/2023 07:50

grassverge · 18/07/2023 00:21

I think Claire is in shock and embarrassed to tell her guests who have booked leave and bought hotel rooms and outfits. She cannot think straight. I have no idea why Alfie is doing this to her.

At least he’s telling her now, while there’s still time to back out of the wedding. I’ve no idea why he didn’t realise this much sooner, though! I mean, he must’ve done, and has probably been too chicken to admit it… which is shitty.

As others have said, Claire should obviously end things now. Yes, it’ll be hard, but it’s just delaying the inevitable if she goes ahead with the wedding. They’ll still break up eventually and there will be greater financial entanglements then and she’ll be even more out of pocket.

JellyLlama · 18/07/2023 07:51

Please be absolutely clear with Claire that further down the line she will regret marrying him. She's focused on the wedding as most brides are and is not seeing the bigger picture of how badly this could pan out. Perhaps she's in denial at this early stage, so she needs you to help her recognise the consequences.

They can tell the guests the wedding is postponed for personal reasons. I once went to a wedding with a disengaged groom, and I felt sad for the bride who'd poured all her hopes and dreams into it. They divorced later, after he'd caused her a load of grief.

TerrorAustralis · 18/07/2023 07:54

If she's worried about what she has spent on the wedding, help her to cancel as much as possible now. Yes, she will lose deposits, but she shouldn't have to pay the balance for goods and services not received. She will be able to salvage some of that money.

I do like the idea of going ahead with the party anyway (obviously only her family and friends, not Alfie's) but she would need to feel up to it, which she understandably may not.

loislovesstewie · 18/07/2023 07:55

Presumably Alfie isn't going to be marched to the wedding with a shotgun pressed to his back by a furious relative? So, the wedding is unlikely to go ahead anyway? In her shoes I would ask friends to help, call the wedding off and realise I had saved a lifetime of woe.

GoodChat · 18/07/2023 08:04

lemoncurd1995 · 18/07/2023 07:13

Obviously this story is bollocks, no-one refers to actual names on here.

And obviously she shouldn't marry him. Did we need a mumsnet post to state the obvious?

OP's obviously used made up names so she doesn't get the stupid "I can't follow the person1/2" comments

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