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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He is not in love with her 2 weeks before wedding

366 replies

grassverge · 18/07/2023 00:06

Alfie has decided 2 weeks before their wedding that he does not want to get married and doesn’t love Claire. They have a new 10 year mortgage together, a two year old and his 3 kids from a previous marriage. She has paid 300k deposit on house and 20k on wedding. He paid 0 deposit but needs his salary for the mortgage. She is in shock and is willing to go ahead with the marriage if he will agree. Claire has only told me, a friend and is too embarrassed to tell anyone else. She is hoping he will change his mind. I want to say end it no matter if he changes his mind AIBU?

OP posts:
piedbeauty · 18/07/2023 05:19

She has paid 300k deposit on house and 20k on wedding.

He sounds like a using shit.

Claire should spilt up with him, cancel the wedding, and make sure she ring fences her 300k and gets back as much wedding money as possible from him.

She'd be mad to marry him.

Persipan · 18/07/2023 05:26

grassverge · 18/07/2023 00:21

I think Claire is in shock and embarrassed to tell her guests who have booked leave and bought hotel rooms and outfits. She cannot think straight. I have no idea why Alfie is doing this to her.

Offer to do the telling guests bit for her, so she doesn't have to (and so it's not Alfie doing it who, while he thoroughly deserves to have to take on the task, might not be likely to present as well as you would).

Make sure she's aware of the various mortgage assistance options now available (like extending the term and going interest only for a while) that might help her stay financially afloat minus Alfie.

SideTime · 18/07/2023 05:27

Alfie has done her a huge favour. Far better to tell her now than after the wedding.

No guest will care when she cancels. People are only really concerned with their own lives. It'll be gossip for a week and then very quickly history, with a huge sigh of relief all round.

I hope she protected her £300k deposit legally.

GloriousGoosebumps · 18/07/2023 05:29

Claire obviously shouldn't marry Alfie even if he suddenly decides that he wants to go ahead. Has he said whether he wants them to continue to cohabit or is he saying the relationship has ended?

I don't understand why previous posters are describing the house as Claire's. I suspect that the property is held as joint tenants, given they were getting married, in which case her £300k deposit isn't protected. At the moment Alfie may feel sufficiently guilty about what he is doing to agree to make no claim on that money. Claire, therefore, needs to have a lawyer draft a legally binding document confirming that agreement and do it before Alfie realises how nice it would be to walk away with £150k.

maddening · 18/07/2023 05:36

And if the 20k is spent sack him off and have a very expensive not getting married party

user1492757084 · 18/07/2023 05:41

Does Alfie have previous form?
Do you think Alfie is not just suffering from pre wedding jitters?
Thankfully it is not the day before the wedding and the event can be cancelled without too much fuss... as heartbreaking for Claire as it is. Guests can still cancel accommodation.

Claire needs to seek legal advice to protect her assets.
She will need to be careful and not fall back into a non committed relationship with Alfie for the sake of their child.
She should consider all options like house sharing with another friend if it is too late to retrieve her house deposit.

Offer to make all the calls to her guests and stand with her when she tells her family..

Tooyoungtofeelthisold · 18/07/2023 05:57

I think above all, Claire needs to think about this: divorce is nasty, already a blood bath for financial gain. If he's already saying he doesn't love her, that means he's likely to be even more focused on receiving his half- at this point £150k.

I'd be asking her if saving face is worth the loss of £150k.

He's an absolute shit doing this to her.

My dad did similar to my mum, wedding was cancelled, they got married a year later, and he was nasty during their marriage and has taken pride in how nasty he was in the divorce.

Whatajokr · 18/07/2023 06:23

Poor Claire. Please point her to this thread.

At least Alfie has said it now and not in 3 weeks time. He obviously wants Claire to sort out the mess, else he'd have cancelled the wedding himself. He wants her to look shit. Another thing you can point out to her when she reads this thread and pushes ahead with cancelling.

Claire... You've got the strength to not marry someone who doesn't love you. My good friend cancelled 1 week before her wedding. We all felt sympathy that something had ended, but knew it was a good decision. I can't recall anyone moaning about a hotel room booking.

CheeseSauce · 18/07/2023 06:26

Can she get a lodger for house, and get partners to guarantor?

ZebraD · 18/07/2023 06:27

grassverge · 18/07/2023 00:21

I think Claire is in shock and embarrassed to tell her guests who have booked leave and bought hotel rooms and outfits. She cannot think straight. I have no idea why Alfie is doing this to her.

Ditch the fella. No need to be embarrassed!
still have the wedding party (remember last year the woman that was stood up on the day, she did it and had a blast along with lots of tears but she didn’t waste the day, all her friends and family pulled together to get her through it) maybe work on him too to make sure he doesn’t turn up!
if he gets a claim on her house she really will be stumped if she can’t afford it already.

CheeseSauce · 18/07/2023 06:27

Parents I mean

GoodChat · 18/07/2023 06:36

Nobody will judge her for cancelling the wedding. People who love her will just want to make sure she's ok.

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 18/07/2023 06:40

Gosh the guys not called James by any
chance? sounds just like someone I know. Sorry Op on serious note, poor Claire but better to have it end now then after marrying the loser.

Lampan · 18/07/2023 06:41

This happened to my friend. She was all set to go ahead and marry him anyway (!) but luckily he walked out a few days before the wedding. Nobody was angry about the wedding being cancelled, obviously we were all just more relieved she didn’t make the mistake of going through with the wedding.

Scatterbrainbox · 18/07/2023 06:43

summerisontheway · 18/07/2023 00:24

So she has taken on his 3 kids from his previous marriage and he doesn't want to marry her despite this and the fact they have a 2 year old together.
Call me old-fashioned but it really is best to not have kids until the relationship is legally formalised.

She would be worse off if they had married.
She's the one who has all the money.

Bubbylana · 18/07/2023 06:44

What #canisaysomething said.

Bubblyb00b · 18/07/2023 06:46

Wow, a man who doesn't love you, with 3 kids, penniless, and respects you so little that he doesn't even bother telling you about his feelings up until the wedding. What a catch.

Claire is a mug if she goes ahead with this.

FrivolousTreeDuck · 18/07/2023 06:47

Cancel the wedding.

ConnieTucker · 18/07/2023 06:47

Precipice · 18/07/2023 00:19

It's the difference between splitting up now and splitting up later. He doesn't love her and he doesn't want to be with her. Why add the hassle and expense of a divorce to the break-up? Why add more financial entanglement than exists already?

She'd be insane to marry him.

This. She has far far more to lose by getting married to him.

id throw into the mix that if she went ahead with this, he could turn nasty amd blame her. What did she expect, when he told her he didnt want to be with her but she pressured him. He is the good guy!

YouJustDoYou · 18/07/2023 06:48

Claire has blinkers on about this guy. Don't force a marriage through, it never ends well. End things with him.

Glamrockgoddess · 18/07/2023 06:50

I haven't RTFT

Old adage " better a week before than a week after".

I've known couples where she called it off a month before (she found out something about him that wasn't OK) she married someone else 5 years later.

I knew a couple where he called it off a week before (but that was a registry office' do' and no property involved). He had 2 kids and custody, she had 3. Can't say more in case it is 'outing'.

I really feel for her but she needs to call it off.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/07/2023 06:52

I really hope the 300k is ring-fenced. Claire should call it off. This man sounds like a user.

BadgesforBadgers · 18/07/2023 06:58

You need...sorry Claire needs ...to stop worrying about what it looks like to guests and cancel the wedding, then stop the house purchase.

£300k deposit? Yeah, just buy a cheaper house outright with the 2 year old

A sham, loveless, marriage where people inevitably have affairs whilst tied to a mortgage isn't really going to create a cosy, blended family situation.

WatchOutMissMarpleIsAbout · 18/07/2023 06:58

Whilst it must be a massive shock for her it’s better now than after & having to deal with a divorce. She’s no need to be embarrassed. People will care about her not the hotel or outfits.

Mikimoto · 18/07/2023 07:02

The mortgage is in both their names and Alfie presumably has the responsibility for the majority of the kids, so I'm guessing he is more likely to keep the family home.