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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He is not in love with her 2 weeks before wedding

366 replies

grassverge · 18/07/2023 00:06

Alfie has decided 2 weeks before their wedding that he does not want to get married and doesn’t love Claire. They have a new 10 year mortgage together, a two year old and his 3 kids from a previous marriage. She has paid 300k deposit on house and 20k on wedding. He paid 0 deposit but needs his salary for the mortgage. She is in shock and is willing to go ahead with the marriage if he will agree. Claire has only told me, a friend and is too embarrassed to tell anyone else. She is hoping he will change his mind. I want to say end it no matter if he changes his mind AIBU?

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 18/07/2023 00:48

Tell her that it will cost her a lot less to cover the costs of her guests accomodation and new outfits than it will cost her in the divorce when he gets to take at least £150,000 of unearned money from her.

PyongyangKipperbang · 18/07/2023 00:49

"I am sorry to tell you that my former fiance has decided that he no longer loves and therefore does not want to get married so the wedding is cancelled"

All on him. No shame or embarassment for her at all.

Sugarfree23 · 18/07/2023 00:52

Less hassle to call off now than to be announcing divorce in a year.

She could go ahead with the party, freedom party / family gathering, especially if food etc is paid for and she won't get money back.

FFSwhatisthis · 18/07/2023 00:52

summerisontheway · 18/07/2023 00:24

So she has taken on his 3 kids from his previous marriage and he doesn't want to marry her despite this and the fact they have a 2 year old together.
Call me old-fashioned but it really is best to not have kids until the relationship is legally formalised.

@summerisontheway

how exactly would that be helping her now?

maybe, you know, she loves her 2 year old & doesn't wish she hadn't had them

@grassverge how do you know Claire?

sound way too much like a story.

irrespective of the though, someone needs to slap her around the chops & ask why she wants to give him £150,000!!

she can get a lodger to help with the mortgage, mr cold feet will have to pay CMS. He will now have 4 kids EOW or 3 OW,1the next or whatever.

maybe he's met someone else?

who knows but she'd be MAD to marry him!!!

IveHadItUpToHere · 18/07/2023 00:52

Everyone invited would rather the wedding was cancelled than she went through with it in those circumstances. My friend's wedding was cancelled with less than a week's notice. No-one cared about the outfit or present costs. We just cared that they were ok.

Ponderingwindow · 18/07/2023 00:57

If he was actually serious about the relationship, he would have wanted to get married before they had a child.

she can lose a little money on the wedding or a lot of money in a divorce. Cancelling a wedding is also much less hassle.

merrymelodies · 18/07/2023 01:02

Run, Claire! Screw what 'people' might think or say or do! This is YOUR life so don't fuck it up by marrying someone who doesn't love you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/07/2023 01:04

There have been two wedding cancelations in my close circle. Both times the right idea and both times everyone invited was completely fine with it.

Claire... get his agreements to give back half the wedding deposit and the whole house deposit.

And he's probably shagging someone else.

SheSaidHummingbird · 18/07/2023 01:07

It would be more embarassing to marry this prat. Claire's self-worth trumps embarassment a cancellation process.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 18/07/2023 01:15

If she marries him she can’t get divorced for a year. Better to step back now then get trapped with someone who doesn’t really want the relationship she does.

ImNotReallySpartacus · 18/07/2023 01:20

I guess Alfie will need to look for another woman who will take on him and his four kids and buy him a house. Good luck with that Alfie, should have kept your mouth shut.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/07/2023 01:38

Honestly, Claire should be thanking her lucky stars that Alfie has had the balls to tell her the truth before the wedding! It's really shitty he didn't tell her this when he first realized it as I doubt he woke up yesterday morning (or whenever he told her) and said "I don't love her".

She needs to cancel the wedding. She has nothing to be ashamed of and I'm sure the people who love her will be caring and totally on her side.

Once her head has stopped spinning, she needs to consider the biggest issue: The House! Is it in joint names? Did she protect her 300k? Can she afford the house on her own? She really needs to see a solicitor ASAP. I know it's just awful to have to be practical when one's heart has been broken, but you really need to encourage her to do so. It can save a much bigger heartbreak down the road.

aloris · 18/07/2023 01:40

I think a big part of this is down to whether it will be easier for her to get back the entirety of her 300K deposit if they aren't married. Of course in theory she should cancel the wedding but they are so close to it now that I can see how stopping that freight train could be really difficult. But if being married will help him keep half of her 300K, then she should probably take some leave from work and put all her effort into canceling the wedding and seeing a solicitor to make sure he doesn't get to profit from having lied to her about his intentions for so long.

Honestly someone who would tell his fiance this 2 weeks before the wedding is probably the type to betray her again, in a big way, if they actually get married. Don't you think?

TerrorAustralis · 18/07/2023 01:40

I've known two people to call off weddings with about two weeks to go. While it was hard at the time, nobody wishes they had gone ahead with it. Once the dust had settled, there was mostly just relief.

IMO it's a brave, but right thing to do to call it off when you have recognized it's not right. The people I have known who have gone ahead despite their hesitations have lived to regret it. Marry in haste, repent at leisure.

MumGMT · 18/07/2023 02:02

PyongyangKipperbang · 18/07/2023 00:48

Tell her that it will cost her a lot less to cover the costs of her guests accomodation and new outfits than it will cost her in the divorce when he gets to take at least £150,000 of unearned money from her.

Don't tell her this. She won't have to pay those costs because no one will expect her to.

ChubbyMorticia · 18/07/2023 02:09

Run Claire RUN!

The only person to be embarrassed is him, for not having the courage to say something sooner. Better to lose the money from the wedding than half the house.

Threenow · 18/07/2023 03:00

I knew a man whose wife to be had decided she didn't want to marry him, but she didn't tell him and went through with the wedding. Not surprisingly the marriage didn't last long.

I feel very sorry for Claire, but she needs to cancel the wedding and make plans. Better a lot of hassle now than later, when it will be much worse. At least Alfie told her before the wedding rather than after. She has nothing to be embarrassed about.

oohyoudevilyou · 18/07/2023 04:51

The guests will probably re-use their outfits for another occasion, and may get a partial refund for the hotel, but certainly won't hold it against her if they do lose a bit of money. She needs to cancel the wedding now even if she doesn't have the appetite to pick apart their shared life immediately

TheGoogleMum · 18/07/2023 05:02

Best to not go through with the wedding! A friend of mine was I'm a similar situation. She found some counselling to help process helped (they did not go through with the wedding)

Aprilx · 18/07/2023 05:09

grassverge · 18/07/2023 00:21

I think Claire is in shock and embarrassed to tell her guests who have booked leave and bought hotel rooms and outfits. She cannot think straight. I have no idea why Alfie is doing this to her.

He presumably can’t help how he feels. He s at least being honest and she can get out before the wedding rather than after.

Zanatdy · 18/07/2023 05:10

I went to a wedding that lasted 5wks. You could see in the bride’s face she regretted it before they’d even cut the cake. Her mum was crying in another room and an ex boyfriend had to sit in another room and then told her it was too upsetting for him to be in the room as he could see she didn’t want to be with him. I did feel for him, as she met someone else very unexpectedly a few weeks later and they didn’t even make the honeymoon. She walked away and later married the other guy, still together 10yrs on.

Zanatdy · 18/07/2023 05:11

No-one will be upset with her if it’s called off, I’d just feel sympathy for her, not anger I’d bought an outfit. People can cancel leave or use it for something else. Alfie probably won’t want to go ahead anyway. Surely. If he does we know why, he wants some of that big deposit

Pawpatrolsucks · 18/07/2023 05:14

Obviously you have to talk her about canceling the wedding. If she won’t find a way to make sure it’s not legal. Get her to not sign the register, or something to make the marriage not valid.

Make sure she understands she will lose her money and he isn’t likely to stick around.

Shoxfordian · 18/07/2023 05:15

At least Claire knows now before they get married: she needs to cancel all that and end the relationship

FOJN · 18/07/2023 05:18

She should not marry him, it will be a disaster for her.

The mortgage is 10 years, perhaps she wouldn't need his salary for the mortgage if she reduced the monthly payments by increasing the mortgage term. She needs to protect her 300k whatever she does.

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