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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He is not in love with her 2 weeks before wedding

366 replies

grassverge · 18/07/2023 00:06

Alfie has decided 2 weeks before their wedding that he does not want to get married and doesn’t love Claire. They have a new 10 year mortgage together, a two year old and his 3 kids from a previous marriage. She has paid 300k deposit on house and 20k on wedding. He paid 0 deposit but needs his salary for the mortgage. She is in shock and is willing to go ahead with the marriage if he will agree. Claire has only told me, a friend and is too embarrassed to tell anyone else. She is hoping he will change his mind. I want to say end it no matter if he changes his mind AIBU?

OP posts:
ThatFraggle · 18/07/2023 08:04

She needs to make a list. Tell a friend, 'Mary' to notify 4 people the wedding is over. Person 1 to tell all the uni friends (write a list). Person 2. To tell the smith side, Person 3. The Joneses etc.

So OP needs to only make one phone call to Mary.

butterpuffed · 18/07/2023 08:04

Unsure as to why many are saying for Claire not to marry him . From what the OP has said , Alfie is backing out anyway .

LAMPS1 · 18/07/2023 08:04

It will take a lot longer to get over the loss of half her house than it will to get over the embarrassment of cancelling the wedding. £150k wasted rather than £20k.
Persuade her with all your might to soften the blow by calling it a postponement rather than a cancellation. Guests will understand. They only want the best for her. It will soon be forgotten. She deserves to be loved etc etc.
Once he’s firmly ensconced in the house with his three children as a married man, she will be facing a miserable, loveless future.
She can sell the house and buy a smaller one without a mortgage if she cancels the wedding and acts quickly. She will be securing herself a much happier future.
Do your very best to make her see it’s two weeks worth of acute pain and embarrassment for a life-time gain.

noglow · 18/07/2023 08:05

Surely Alfie was calling it off by telling her?

Beautiful3 · 18/07/2023 08:07

Well she would be incredibly stupid to go ahead as he'd be entitled to half the house! I'd send a mass email/message to all guests saying, I'm sorry but the wedding is no longer going ahead. This actually happened to my bil a month before the wedding. I actually thought he was brave to cancel the wedding, no one said anything negative, we just accepted it. Now 2 years later he's marrying someone lovely and they look very happy.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 18/07/2023 08:07

She might lose the £20k and be a bit embarrassed but at least she will have the £150k he’d have if she marries him

Original poster
grassverge · 18/07/2023 08:08

Do you think she has any chance of getting some money back from the venue? They won’t have bought the food yet. Food for 112 people would be a lot of money.

OP posts:
Original poster
grassverge · 18/07/2023 08:10

She is still hoping he will change his mind. I hope he doesn’t as he has not treated her very well and I suspect he has been cheating on her.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 18/07/2023 08:12

grassverge · 18/07/2023 08:08

Do you think she has any chance of getting some money back from the venue? They won’t have bought the food yet. Food for 112 people would be a lot of money.

It depends on the contract with the venue.

YeahIsaidit · 18/07/2023 08:13

Haven't rtft but it's interesting that a lot of the comments I've seen so far have been "he'll take her money" and not poor woman shouldn't marry someone that doesn't love her

Catsmere · 18/07/2023 08:15

YeahIsaidit · 18/07/2023 08:13

Haven't rtft but it's interesting that a lot of the comments I've seen so far have been "he'll take her money" and not poor woman shouldn't marry someone that doesn't love her

Because if she does persuade him to marry her he'll have rights over her property, and since the marriage will inevitably end in divorce, well ...

DarkForces · 18/07/2023 08:16

YeahIsaidit · 18/07/2023 08:13

Haven't rtft but it's interesting that a lot of the comments I've seen so far have been "he'll take her money" and not poor woman shouldn't marry someone that doesn't love her

Well the second point is obvious but she may not have thought about the legal and financial side

ZannahStop · 18/07/2023 08:18

Imagine giving away 150k cause you were worried people had bought a dress for your wedding 😅 insane.

He's shagging someone else Claire, run while you can.

ZannahStop · 18/07/2023 08:19

"Do you think she has any chance of getting some money back from the venue? They won’t have bought the food yet. Food for 112 people would be a lot of money."

You think they've not ordered food for a wedding just 2 weeks away?! Why?

YeahIsaidit · 18/07/2023 08:20

Catsmere · 18/07/2023 08:15

Because if she does persuade him to marry her he'll have rights over her property, and since the marriage will inevitably end in divorce, well ...

Show quote history

If you have to persuade someone to marry you, it's doomed

oakleaffy · 18/07/2023 08:20

Alfie is an utter scrote.

Claire had better not marry this scrote.

If Claire does, Scrote will have half her equity in the house.

Awful.

jdebalt · 18/07/2023 08:20

He will have cheated on her. My ex husband told me a couple of months before we got married that he "loved me but wasn't sure he was in love with me". Thankfully I was doing up a house so only spent £5k on the wedding. We did get married, I discovered late on (after 5 years?) that he had been cheating on me with everyone conceivable - escorts, Ashley Madison, people he worked with...you name it. Limped on for a couple more years and then he cheated on me again and left. Best thing that ever happened to me. So I could have saved 7 years of wasted time, money and an STD that nearly caused me to be infertile. (Thankfully too never wants children with him, must have been instinctive). Now very happily married to a wonderful man who adores me and just had IVF embryo transfer as am 44. If she can bear to hear it, do remind her that cancelling a wedding is much the lesser of two evils as someone said previously. I hope she's ok. She will be in the long run.

Catsmere · 18/07/2023 08:21

YeahIsaidit · 18/07/2023 08:20

If you have to persuade someone to marry you, it's doomed

Show quote history

Absolutely!

Jk987 · 18/07/2023 08:22

summerisontheway · 18/07/2023 00:24

So she has taken on his 3 kids from his previous marriage and he doesn't want to marry her despite this and the fact they have a 2 year old together.
Call me old-fashioned but it really is best to not have kids until the relationship is legally formalised.

1/ Marriage has to be about love.
2/ it's a good job she didn't marry him before having their child. He'd be entitled to her assets inc. her 300k house deposit if they were.

OP - she needs her friends and family to surround her and support her while she exits this relationship. Can some of you go and stay in the hotel that was booked? Make use of some of the money spent.

AngelinaFibres · 18/07/2023 08:23

grassverge · 18/07/2023 00:21

I think Claire is in shock and embarrassed to tell her guests who have booked leave and bought hotel rooms and outfits. She cannot think straight. I have no idea why Alfie is doing this to her.

He is doing it to her now because the deadline is looming and he can't put it off any longer. He will have been pushing it to the back of his mind and worrying about it in the early hours for months. He has probably hoped it would be okay and that he would suddenly feel that he did love Claire and it would be okay. He now has to absolutely face the fact that he feels sick to the pit of his stomach and simply can't do it. The thought of the wedding is now worse than the lost money ( if he is actually losing any wedding money) and the momentary 'shame' of calling it off and the complications of untying the joint assets.A wedding is much easier to get out of than a marriage. She will be devastated now but in the long run it will be so much better than being with a man who doesn't want to be there. My exhusband had huge doubts. I think my teenage bridesmaid ( his sister,then aged 15) knew he wasn't okay. She stayed at my house the night before and ,just before we went to sleep she said ' what will you do if he doesn't turn up'. I laughed. I thought it was all a beautiful fairy tale of true luuuuurve. He left me a few years ,and 2 tiny children ,later. The best man knew he had massive doubts. I wish he had told me ,run away, got someone else to tell me. I would have been absolutely devastated but it would have been a lot easier than what finally happened.

ThatFraggle · 18/07/2023 08:26

There was that woman who turned the reception into a family party when the wedding did not go ahead, since they were not going to be able to get money back.

CaramelMac · 18/07/2023 08:28

It will be far more embarrassing for her if she goes through with the wedding and her guests find out when they (inevitably) separate shortly after, and they’ll all be annoyed with her that they gave gifts and spent money on attending the wedding when if she cancels it now they can return the gifts and outfits and possibly get a refund on their accommodation!

If he was willing to leave the mother of his first three children be in no doubt her will happily dump her to move on to the next woman, whether they’ve had a wedding or not.

Purplecatshopaholic · 18/07/2023 08:33

Of course Claire doesn’t marry him. It’s an expensive divorce waiting to happen. Better a little embarrassment now than a shit ton of it later!

Ducksinthebath · 18/07/2023 08:33

The first thing Claire needs to do is get some proper legal advice. Assuming in England or Wales, if joint tenants then the £300k might already be subject to sharing on sale unless they can now agree something other than 50/50. Even if Tenants In Common they might still be 50/50 but hopefully not.

Whereas married she might have a claim for maintenance and be able to (part)fund the house for a year or two while she tries to arrange to buy him out or the market hopefully recovers and she can get a better sale price.

Been through all this myself and lost half a deposit despite not being married.

First port of call is her property solicitor then find a family solicitor.

TheSeaDoesntKnowMyName · 18/07/2023 08:34

grassverge · 18/07/2023 08:08

Do you think she has any chance of getting some money back from the venue? They won’t have bought the food yet. Food for 112 people would be a lot of money.

Better she loses a relatively small amount now, than half (or more) of her house

Fuck embarrassment

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