He is not in love with her 2 weeks before wedding

[grassverge]

Alfie has decided 2 weeks before their wedding that he does not want to get married and doesn’t love Claire. They have a new 10 year mortgage together, a two year old and his 3 kids from a previous marriage. She has paid 300k deposit on house and 20k on wedding. He paid 0 deposit but needs his salary for the mortgage. She is in shock and is willing to go ahead with the marriage if he will agree. Claire has only told me, a friend and is too embarrassed to tell anyone else. She is hoping he will change his mind. I want to say end it no matter if he changes his mind AIBU?

Claire loves him and desperately wants him to change his mind. I agree that to go ahead would be terrible and the sooner she cancels the better. However, I think the hope is killing her. I wish he would man up and start cancelling everything for her sake. He has not paid a penny towards the wedding.

Please tell her to take some of the advice of the posters on here and just get some of her friends to tell everyone else. My ExH told me a couple of years after we got married that he knew he shouldn’t have married me but he did anyway. I would have been beyond mortified at the time but it would have been better than loving with the crap that followed. He doesn’t want to marry her, it’s so horrible for her but she needs to put her big girl pants on and just call it off.

I'm reminded of the story of Princess Diana telling her sister she was having cold feet about marrying the Prince of Wales and getting the reply you can't back out now, your face is on the tea towels.

So what if people have booked leave, bought the dress etc.

This is her life and future happiness and falling into a legally binding contract with someone who doesn't love her is way worse than tearing it up before it's signed.

'He informed me he doesn't love me and doesn't want to marry me, so the wedding is cancelled. He'll be handling any comments or enquiries.'

If any gifts have already arrived, returning them will of course be his responsibility and expense.

Everyone who matters will understand.

And she needs his wages to pay the mortgage on a house she's paid a £300k deposit so it sounds like she got an inheritance or something, and he's pulling out before the wedding, which suggests he's not after her money at all

I should have mentioned her deposit is ring-fenced in a trust? Or something of that nature. However she will have to sell the house as she cannot afford it on her salary alone also the penalties of getting out of the new mortgage will be huge.

She is distraught, betrayed, confused … disbelieving … my heart goes out to her. She can however carry this off with dignity - either go ahead with a gathering for family and friends, or cancel it. The people who care about her will be absolutely fine with it either way.
agree with everyone else that there is no way she should demean herself to beg a man who doesn’t love her (and whatever we feel about the man, probably it took some courage to tell her at this stage) to go ahead. More and more heartbreak would lie ahead.

Claire, it won't feel like it now but Alfie is doing the right thing by you here.

He clearly cares about you and your future relationship otherwise he would just have gone ahead regardless.

It would be very wrong for him to continue knowing he doesn't love you. I hope one day you will see that.

Brace yourself for the appearance of another woman. Not guaranteed of course but unfortunately very common.

I'm so sorry love. Do not try to talk him into it.

An old neighbour of mine pulled out of their wedding 2 days before the wedding day.

2 DAYS.

It was the best decision for them at the time.

Claire - don't do it. You will only live to regret it.

Best of luck to you with this decision.

I would be expecting him to pay any penalties.

I have no idea why Alfie is doing this to her.I have no idea why Alfie is doing this to her.

something to do with the fact that it’s not costing him at Penny to get his hands on over £150,000 of equity I would imagine.

No way in hell, would I marry a man who wasn’t paying half towards the wedding and the house deposit

>He has not paid a penny towards the wedding.

This suggests he was never really invested.

My son and DIL were supposed to be attending a wedding in Italy in September. Its all off because the groom has been appearing on Only Fans with another woman, doing BDSM stuff ( not passively watching in his bedroom but actually 'starring' in the films with this woman). He has also been sexting other women. It has all come out and everything is off. There have been difficulties for guests because it was at a remote venue in Tuscany( flights ,rooms paid for to somewhere you wouldn't go unless you were going to that specific venue)but no one is blaming her for calling it off.
Another friend was jilted the night before her wedding. They shared a flat which he owned and when she got home he wasn't there and there was a letter on the table asking her to move out and telling her it was all off. He was Canadian and all his family and friends had flown in for the wedding ,presents had been delivered etc. It was awful but , years later, she is happily married to someone else. .

Friends, family and guests will respect her bravery.
He's been brave too, actually. Wedding plans tend to take off and grow and grow.
Protect your finances Jane.

From a stranger on the internet Please 🙏

My brother had this conversation with his fiancé before the wedding, and was persuaded it was cold feet and normal. One year in he told her his feelings hadn't changed- a further year of counselling, trying to make it work and then they separated. 2 years for the divorce to go through making a total of 4 wasted years and much more heartbreak than if he had been sure in his feelings and wasn't swayed by the embarrassment of cancelling.

I think it's highly possible there's someone else. A Camilla in the mix, and if so, better she is exposed now than discovered too late.

You mention he has children - what happened there? Did he leave? Did she leave? Was C the OW? Basically - does he have form?

Yes of course she is shocked , embarrassed and humiliated . Id be worried too about the money that people have spent.

But she needs to call it off today . The usual way of doing this is that the hosts ( people whose name is on the invitation ) contact all the guests with this one line

“ The wedding of Claire and Alfie that was planned for Saturday 26 August will no longer take place “.

Normally that’s done by post but in view of the timescale here, email would be better . Someone else (NOT claire , her parents / bridesmaids etc ) needs to phone anyone for whom you don’t have an email address.

You don’t give anymore explanation in writing that that. People who need to know the detail will phone Claire’s mother / best mates etc . You need to protect Claire from having to deal with a hundred phone calls.

That gives guests time to cancel their hotel booking ( most will give refunds until a few days beforehand ) and return new dresses / outfits. If there is anyone from her side that she knows is in a dire financial situation because of this, Claire can always offer to give then some money towards it .

Id not recommend this but it it might make Claire feel better about it and it will cost less that £150,000. Most people who have a £300k deposit also have friends who can cope with the loss of a hotel room deposit.

Most employers will let staff cancel annual leave with a few weeks notice . Or people can make other plans for the day.

She needs to do this today . Guest will be annoyed if she knew it was off but didn’t let them know asap.

Freinds / bridesmaids / her family also need to hep her notify all wedding suppliers IN WRITING asap and check the contracts to see how much money they can get back . Also notify her wedding insurers ( if she took out insurance ).

Alfie almost certainly is cheating on her . I know two people who were in this situation . The first bride cancelled - all the guests were shocked but understood . None of us wanted her to marry that man.

The second bride didn’t - she persuaded him it was just cold feet and to go ahead . The marriage lasted 4 months and ended in a very tragic way.

I’m very sorry for Claire but better a broken engagement than a divorce. This is going to be a few weeks of work and a few months of humiliation. A bad marriage will be years of pain and hurt for her and her child. let alone the financial consequences which Pp have explained .

Omg nooo she can't marry him!

Doesn't she understand she could lose half of her 300k if she does?

Plus why would she want to marry someone who, in her words, has made her feel so embarrassed?

Poor woman - you sound like a lovely friend, please lock her in a cupboard to protect her from herself!

Can you offer to do some contacting of guests/services to take that off her shoulders in the here and now? Apologies if it has been suggested many times already...

Claire should not.marry him. If she does go ahead she should seek legal advice to ring fence her £300k deposit as a % value of the property so she doesn't loose it if they divorce.

Is it you OP? Be honest.

The financial pros and cons fall firmly in the 'It's More Expensive To Marry And Then Get Divorced' camp. Even with the penalties of ending the mortgage.

The emotional pros and cons fall firmly in the 'It's Worse To Get Married When You Know It's Wrong And It Will End In Divorce Soon' camp.

Can you show Claire this thread OP, if it's not you?

I pulled out the night before, register office wedding, no children involved. I had to suck up the wedding costs as i cancelled it, due to his appalling lying though! It was a nine day wonder, once i got past the embarrassment at work. They gave me a huge party beforehand....

Claire needs to cancel, the pain will pass, divorce is inevitable should the wedding happen.

And that's a good suggestion.

Offer to do the telling of guests. Say Claire is sorry and will be in touch herself at some point soon.

My mother didn't back out of her second marriage for that reason, just what people would think . Now she's trapped in a crappy marriage to a dickhead that holds his money over her.

If she marries she will risk

1. Losing share of equity
2. Cost of divorce

Vs

1. costs of cancelling a wedding
2. mortgage costs.

Remember mortgage costs will have to be shared by him.

He’s done her a favour.