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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit tired of guests staying!

265 replies

Basilfaulty2 · 17/07/2023 21:14

I live in a fairly expensive capital city, very central so have alot of people wanting to stay periodically

Usually don't mind and enjoy but the last lme tired me out and has put me off!

Not sure if I am being petty though. For context I never stay at hers and if I visit have to stay in a hotel , her circumstances don't allow guests.

She arrived Friday late afternoon, I had a very long week at the office by this stage so was knackered which didn't help.

As she walked in, told her I had just had the carpets deep cleaned, expecting her to take her dirty trainers off, but no, came.in and left marks over pale carpet.

No room for a dishwasher in kitchen, so she merrily makes tea, coffee, and snacks, then piles all the crockery in the sink or on the side for me to wash , and reminds me by saying we have run out of cups.

I take her out for dinner one night and.make break fast every morning , she gave me a free gift thay was stuck on the front of a magazine she bought, as a thank.you

She is pretty untidy, so I spent alot of the weekend clearing up after her. Incapable it seems of doing anything in kitchen without spilling something on floor or counters and.just leaves it

Then she left my spare room and bathroom in a mess when she left , either make the bed or strip it, don't leave a tangled.pile.of sheets and spill make up all over the bathroom sink

First world problems, but after a hectic week at work, didn't need it. When she asked if she could stay again 2 weeks later I said I was busy.

2 weeks later she messaged again to ask if i was sure I was busy.

Petty but I'm pretty irritated

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 17/07/2023 21:18

you have a choice

1, let her stay but advise her of house rules, ie no shoes on in the house, room to be kept tidy, bathroom clean and all pots washed up, not left on the side
2, don’t let her stay any more

Coffeeforus · 17/07/2023 21:23

She’s using you and your home like a hotel. I wouldn’t put up with that but it’s up to you how you go forward, but right now you are definitely ‘busy.’

Original poster
Basilfaulty2 · 17/07/2023 21:25

Yes that's exactly it, like a hotel!

She doesn't come to see me , it's to do something specific in the day at the weekend

Just wondered if I was being petty!

OP posts:
TiramisuTastesDreamy · 17/07/2023 21:26

YANBU - you could give her another chance by clearly spelling out the house rules and expectations from now on, as you are busy and don’t have time to run a hotel for everyone who wants to stay with you …. If she doesn’t step up - then it’s a never staying again scenario

Floribundaflummery · 17/07/2023 21:30

She’s completely unappreciative and treating you like a servant not a friend so say no to future stays as she's unlikely to suddenly become kind and considerate! Find friends who treat you like an equal, preferably in a location for lovely weekends away and do swaps.

BatheInTheLight · 17/07/2023 21:33

She sounds awful and would not be staying with me again. I'd also explain why.

fourandnomore · 17/07/2023 21:34

I’d reply just saying yes it’s a really busy time at the moment and you’re not feeling able to host. Just leave it at that. They are basic things that you should need to spell out and you are under no obligation to have people to stay - especially when they’re not actually coming to visit you, don’t feel bad at all, I’d say no too and you are not being petty.

Humidititties · 17/07/2023 21:36

Why are you questioning yourself? You know she's treating you and your home like shit, and she's not even coming to see you. Tell her no every time.

Not that it matters but who is she to you...sister?

lordloveadog · 17/07/2023 21:39

That is a badly behaved guest. Badly behaved guests don't get to stay again.

But you also need to be more clear and direct. Don't tell someone you've had the carpet deep-cleaned and hope they realize they should take their shoes off. Tell them to take off their shoes and explain it's because you have just had the carpet cleaned. Ditto 'your turn with the washing up' and also 'I am really knackered after a long week so I'm going to need downtime this weekend'.

Original poster
Basilfaulty2 · 17/07/2023 21:39

Hi, no not a sister!

I just wondered if someone who is very messy and untidy themselves would perhaps not get that if you invite yourself to stay in someone else's home you clear up after yourself?

Leaving an unmade bed is in my mind the height of rudeness

OP posts:
GreyTS · 17/07/2023 21:40

No! Excuse me but what is all this nonsense of one more chance, she's not even there to see you?!? So basically using you for accommodation and then has no respect for your home and doesn't even buy a meal or bring a gift?? Fuck that shit! You are permanently busy now, would be best if you could say all this straight up but nah not a chance you should give her another chance to be disrespectful to you

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 17/07/2023 21:40

Basilfaulty2 · 17/07/2023 21:39

Hi, no not a sister!

I just wondered if someone who is very messy and untidy themselves would perhaps not get that if you invite yourself to stay in someone else's home you clear up after yourself?

Leaving an unmade bed is in my mind the height of rudeness

I would just make my excuses every time she asked if you don't want to be direct.
Failing that I'd say no because you're messy and my home isn't a hotel.

ChocolateRaisin09 · 17/07/2023 21:41

Regardless of how people behave (terribly in this instance) If you never allowed anyone to stay with you that would be perfectly within your right, it's your home.

lordloveadog · 17/07/2023 21:42

Yes, it's wildly rude to leave bed like that. If guest was 17 and I suspected poorly trained then i'd ask her to strip bed. But I expect adult guests to know or ask.

LotsOfThingsToThinkAbout · 17/07/2023 21:42

Why don't you tell her when she is being an arse. Why tell her the carpets have been cleaned then not tell her to take her shoes off? Why do her washing up,when you could just ask her to do it?
Why are you taking her out for meals and making her breakfast then complaining about it? Presumably she wasnt holding a gun to your head!

We used to live in a popular tourist city and had a lot of visitors, some were amazing and some not so good. I know it's difficult but you need to be more assertive.

Boomboom22 · 17/07/2023 21:44

So she's coming to do something else not even to see you! Wtf?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/07/2023 21:46

Tinkerbyebye · 17/07/2023 21:18

you have a choice

1, let her stay but advise her of house rules, ie no shoes on in the house, room to be kept tidy, bathroom clean and all pots washed up, not left on the side
2, don’t let her stay any more

Yes it's A very simple boundary that's a really reasonable rule.
You can word it in a kind way (if you want? You don't have to!) and say 'it's so nice having guests but I'm finding clearing up etc really hard to fit in with work and everything. I'd love to see you but if you stay please
Can you help out with washing up and strip the bed and put clean sheets on before you leave? '
I have a friend that has These clear rules and I'm still her friend!

MenArentMindReaders · 17/07/2023 21:47

Why didn't you say anything about any of those things?

SleepPrettyDarling · 17/07/2023 21:49

I’d say ‘no, sorry, you were not a very good guest on the last visit, so I can’t have you stay. Here’s a link to xyz hotel near me.’

Original poster
Basilfaulty2 · 17/07/2023 21:50

Thanks, good to get others opinions.

I've been bought up that when you have guests you tend to do the cooking and washing up etc, but things will have to change
She is going to have to come again as she left a lot of stuff here for next time!

Food in cupboards she bought for herself etc and clothes she couldn't take back as had too much shopping!!

OP posts:
RichardsGear · 17/07/2023 21:51

Who in earth would think you're being petty? You would think anyone else was a mug for putting up with that, I'm sure!

RichardsGear · 17/07/2023 21:54

If she's a close relative then you should be able to say you're pissed off and she needs to sort her shit out. If she's a friend or acquaintance then it's more awkward but she's taking the piss she I'd be getting her to collect her stuff and saying you're not having guests for the foreseeable because it's too knackering.

ChubbyMorticia · 17/07/2023 21:55

“I’ve decided not to have overnights guests any more. It’s too much on top of working all week.”

Lacucuracha · 17/07/2023 21:56

She is going to have to come again as she left a lot of stuff here for next time!

Nooooo, she does;’t have to come again. Have it all bagged for her and tell her to collect it on her way to the hotel.

Stop being a mug, OP. She’s a user who has zero respect for you.

wehavelostsightofwhatanormalhoodiesizeis · 17/07/2023 21:56

Food in cupboards she bought for herself etc and clothes she couldn't take back as had too much shopping!!

I would be busy for a very long time. Who behaves like that!

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