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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit tired of guests staying!

265 replies

Basilfaulty2 · 17/07/2023 21:14

I live in a fairly expensive capital city, very central so have alot of people wanting to stay periodically

Usually don't mind and enjoy but the last lme tired me out and has put me off!

Not sure if I am being petty though. For context I never stay at hers and if I visit have to stay in a hotel , her circumstances don't allow guests.

She arrived Friday late afternoon, I had a very long week at the office by this stage so was knackered which didn't help.

As she walked in, told her I had just had the carpets deep cleaned, expecting her to take her dirty trainers off, but no, came.in and left marks over pale carpet.

No room for a dishwasher in kitchen, so she merrily makes tea, coffee, and snacks, then piles all the crockery in the sink or on the side for me to wash , and reminds me by saying we have run out of cups.

I take her out for dinner one night and.make break fast every morning , she gave me a free gift thay was stuck on the front of a magazine she bought, as a thank.you

She is pretty untidy, so I spent alot of the weekend clearing up after her. Incapable it seems of doing anything in kitchen without spilling something on floor or counters and.just leaves it

Then she left my spare room and bathroom in a mess when she left , either make the bed or strip it, don't leave a tangled.pile.of sheets and spill make up all over the bathroom sink

First world problems, but after a hectic week at work, didn't need it. When she asked if she could stay again 2 weeks later I said I was busy.

2 weeks later she messaged again to ask if i was sure I was busy.

Petty but I'm pretty irritated

OP posts:
2bazookas · 18/07/2023 14:45

*She is going to have to come again as she left a lot of stuff here for next time!

Food in cupboards she bought for herself etc and clothes she couldn't take back as had too much shopping!!*

Stop being such a pushover.

"Oh, I thought you left that food for me, I ate it. I'll box up your shopping and weigh it, then you can send me the postage before it goes.".

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 18/07/2023 15:06

“Are you sure you’re too busy?”

Yes, I’m sure. I still getting my house tidy and shampooing the carpets again, after the last house guest made it a mess, and I haven’t had to time to do it all yet around working full time.

Original poster
Basilfaulty2 · 18/07/2023 15:17

Thanks for all the messages, I do need to grow a backbone !

The key thing is that she invites herself, I haven't invited her

She is very careful with money so I think in future if I allow her to stay again I will say I'm not planning on cooking or treating you to a meal out but you are welcome to stay if you clear up after yourself and cater for yourself

The day she left, she went out in morning to do her activity and was due back at lunchtime., I'd cooked breakfast and taken her out the night before for dinner . I was kind of thinking do I have to.make her lunch, when she appeared and she had bought herself lunch from a local takeaway

I know she is careful so I think if she was paying we wouldn't go out and I don't fancy having to cook every night at the weekend !

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 18/07/2023 15:19

The key thing is that she invites herself, I haven't invited her

No, the key thing is you keep agreeing to this CF staying!!!

Why, for the love of all that is good do you do this?

What hold does she have over you?

Even if she caters for herself she will leave dishes and a dirty room.

Original poster
Basilfaulty2 · 18/07/2023 15:20

And yes as a previous poster said , kitchen is tiny so I don't want someone cramming their food in my cupboards so I will make that plain and will use it

OP posts:
Original poster
Basilfaulty2 · 18/07/2023 15:21

No hold , but do feel sorry for her , doesn't have an easy life at all

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 18/07/2023 15:22

What is so hard about her life? I’d she spinning you a line?

Takenoprisoner · 18/07/2023 15:23

So she doesn't even ask if you want a takeaway and gets herself one?

Bloody hell. She's not a friend to you. Just tell her you're not going to have overnight guests any, you need space to relax on evenings and weekends.

Meeting · 18/07/2023 15:24

Wow so after all that she bought food back for herself and didn't even offer you some?

She's a user.

Original poster
Basilfaulty2 · 18/07/2023 15:30

Meeting · 18/07/2023 15:24

Wow so after all that she bought food back for herself and didn't even offer you some?

She's a user.

Yes I side eyed that too

Can't remember what it was, sandwiches and cake I think

Thought it rude of her at the time !

OP posts:
TaigaSno · 18/07/2023 15:30

SleepPrettyDarling · 17/07/2023 21:49

I’d say ‘no, sorry, you were not a very good guest on the last visit, so I can’t have you stay. Here’s a link to xyz hotel near me.’

Exactly this! I wish people would stand up for themselves.

MenoRageisReal · 18/07/2023 15:31

One trait I cannot stand is miserly tightness.

The fact it didn't even occur to her about getting you some lunch means she has a mean, skinflint mentality. I am not friends with people like that, as usually they only view others with £ signs in their eyes and think what they can get from them for their own advantage.

Newestname002 · 18/07/2023 15:41

@Basilfaulty2

OP you sound like a really nice person, but I'm afraid you're also a fool to yourself.

As someone above said, if you make a doormat of yourself people will walk over you". Please do take some of the excellent advice you've been given here and don't accept that people inviting themselves to your home means that it's a done deal and you have to agree. It doesn't. Or for people to put their placeholders in your home by leaving their food and clothing in your cupboards. That's rude and manipulative of them.

Saying "No" very clearly, however politely, to people invading your time and space in your home or communicating properly that they should treat you and your home with respect isn't rude - it's standing up for yourself. Take a deep breath and communicate clearly what your boundaries are or resign yourself to be walked over not just by this "friend" but by anyone else who sees you as an easy mark. 🌹

Choux · 18/07/2023 15:53

My friends and I live in different capital cities across Europe. When we visit each other we take account of how much we are inconveniencing the host even if she is happy to see us.

A gift is brought eg fancy chocolates, alcohol. Often we eat these together but not always
House rules are followed eg no shoes inside. We ask what to do about beds at the end.
When we go out to eat we split the bill equally.
If we eat in we always offer to help whoever is hosting. Usually it is refused or only small tasks given. One friend in particular insists no one else goes in the kitchen and we relax while she cooks. We don't help as when she comes to ours she relaxes and we cook.

If I visit someone outside of that group for an overnight visit I would treat THEM to a meal out in recognition that they have saved me £££ by not having to book a hotel.

Your friend is being very careful with HER money but spending YOUR money on meals out and using the money she has saved to buy clothes she can't even fit in her case! Wake up. If you aren't visiting each other so it all evens out she should not be taking advantage of you. A true friend wouldn't and when you ask for things to change she will understand why. Otherwise drop her.

Silvered · 18/07/2023 16:21

Easily resolved.

When she asks then tell her that you are not having guests any more. The reason is because you have been taken advantage of by people who are treating your home like a hotel and you like a housekeeper, and that it's too much hassle.

If she hears that someone else has been to stay, then tell her that it was a one-off as <name> is a really considerate guest so you made an exception for them.

If she's offended then that's her look-out. You need to be blunt - she had no problem telling you to do her washing up, so why the hell tip-toe round her feelings? CF like this only get away with it because nobody pulls them up.

I'd eat or donate the food that she's left. You aren't a storage facility.

Rachykins · 18/07/2023 16:43

This is such a non issue. You can just say no to guests staying because… shock horror.. it’s your own home! I’m really confused as to why you’re so in a pickle about it. You’re fed up of having her stay… so don’t! Fair enough if you don’t want to get into the reasons why and fall out…. But just always ‘be busy’

Accovobe · 18/07/2023 16:43

You're not being petty.

This houseguest you describe not only sounds like an awful houseguest but also not the kind of person I would want in my life full stop. I definitely couldn't be friends with someone like this!

toffeeappleglow · 18/07/2023 16:48

I'd stop feeling sorry for her. Whatever her challenges in life, that's no excuse for behaving like a shameless user. If she's so very careful with her money, how did she buy so many clothes she couldn't fit them all in her case when it was time to go home?!

If she'd been slightly less rude and selfish on previous visits, then telling her some new 'house rules' would be an option, to give her one last chance to be a decent guest. As it stands, I'd be disinclined to welcome her back again.

horseyhorsey17 · 18/07/2023 16:51

I can't imagine going to stay at someone's house and not even bringing a bottle of wine.

She's rude and entitled. Don't let her stay!

Katey83 · 18/07/2023 16:52

I am very messy and untidy as a result of dyspraxia and ADD. However, as an adult it’s not acceptable to leave someone else’s house a shittip and I definitely make the extra effort to clear up and not leave mess in someone else’s home. Albeit I do sometimes slip up, big things like makeup in sink, washing up and bed sheets all tangled is very rude. And whenever I stay with a friend I leave a proper gift and pay for at least a dinner to say thanks - especially knowing I can be a messy guest!

Fudgewomble · 18/07/2023 16:57

YANBU but please practise being assertive. It’s not a dirty word, and not the same as being aggressive which many British women seem to think is the case. “Please could you take your shoes off as I’ve just have the carpets cleaned” is polite and clear.

Mumofmarauders · 18/07/2023 16:59

I’m pretty messy but that just means that personally I don’t mind mess, not that I don’t have eyes to notice how other people like their houses and the manners to respect that. She clearly knew it was a problem there were no mugs, at least, but didn’t occur to her to do anything about it!

larlypops · 18/07/2023 17:01

It’s a bit different if you had invited her then you don’t mind hosting but she’s using you to save money on a local hotel and still expecting you to do everything.
the fact she felt she could leave stuff too, very odd.
I wouldn’t be letting her stay again

PaterPower · 18/07/2023 17:02

The lunch for just herself was VERY rude, given you were putting her up for free and had cooked at least twice for her.

What does she bring to the table in terms of your friendship? Is this someone you get a lot of emotional support from / enjoy seeing? It doesn’t sound like seeing you is really the point (for her) of these visits?

silverbubbles · 18/07/2023 17:05

Tell her no. You are busy every single time she asks to stay,

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