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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit tired of guests staying!

265 replies

Basilfaulty2 · 17/07/2023 21:14

I live in a fairly expensive capital city, very central so have alot of people wanting to stay periodically

Usually don't mind and enjoy but the last lme tired me out and has put me off!

Not sure if I am being petty though. For context I never stay at hers and if I visit have to stay in a hotel , her circumstances don't allow guests.

She arrived Friday late afternoon, I had a very long week at the office by this stage so was knackered which didn't help.

As she walked in, told her I had just had the carpets deep cleaned, expecting her to take her dirty trainers off, but no, came.in and left marks over pale carpet.

No room for a dishwasher in kitchen, so she merrily makes tea, coffee, and snacks, then piles all the crockery in the sink or on the side for me to wash , and reminds me by saying we have run out of cups.

I take her out for dinner one night and.make break fast every morning , she gave me a free gift thay was stuck on the front of a magazine she bought, as a thank.you

She is pretty untidy, so I spent alot of the weekend clearing up after her. Incapable it seems of doing anything in kitchen without spilling something on floor or counters and.just leaves it

Then she left my spare room and bathroom in a mess when she left , either make the bed or strip it, don't leave a tangled.pile.of sheets and spill make up all over the bathroom sink

First world problems, but after a hectic week at work, didn't need it. When she asked if she could stay again 2 weeks later I said I was busy.

2 weeks later she messaged again to ask if i was sure I was busy.

Petty but I'm pretty irritated

OP posts:
Yellowdays · 17/07/2023 22:53

Just say no. How dare she ask if you are sure after you e said no.

RampantIvy · 17/07/2023 22:56

As she walked in, told her I had just had the carpets deep cleaned, expecting her to take her dirty trainers off, but no, came.in and left marks over pale carpet.

And I would have repeatedly asked her to remove her shoes. At this point I would not care if she thought I was being rude.

AdoraBell · 17/07/2023 22:56

YANBU in future just say “oh, sorry, it’s not convenient, there’s a hotel/air B&B “

Dillydollydingdong · 17/07/2023 23:01

No she doesn't have to come and stay again, even if she has paved the way by leaving her stuff behind.

determinedtomakethiswork · 17/07/2023 23:02

Hang on, she left food in your place and she wants you to store it until she's back again? I would eat it all! And if your place is too small to have a dishwasher, it's too small to store all her crap.

I think I would be pretty blunt and point out all of what you've said, and I would say I don't think it's going to work having you come and stay again. People like that need to be told.

SlowlyLosing · 17/07/2023 23:03

Does she have someone to clean up after her at home, or live in a pigsty herself? If so I'd be exasperated rather than angry, and maybe allow her back on understanding that there are house rules.

If not she's a CF using you as a hotel. Do not let her stay again.

You are very kind to have all these guests. Do they say they'd like to visit and is there a good time for you or do they just invite themselves? I think have some boundaries, decide when you want guests and who they will be.

euff · 17/07/2023 23:03

Yellowdays · 17/07/2023 22:53

Just say no. How dare she ask if you are sure after you e said no.

Yes what a thing to ask! Well no, now that you ask I'm not sure I'm busy! I wouldn't invite her again and as others said just bag up her stuff and let her know she can collect it.

Batalax · 17/07/2023 23:03

Definitely be explicit in your requests and expectations.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/07/2023 23:08

Yeah she doesn’t get to come again. She’s too rude and inconsiderate.

She doesn’t need to come to get her stuff either - she can pick it up on the way to the hotel. Personally I’d rather have it shipped to her than let her stay again!

londonmummy1966 · 17/07/2023 23:10

Food in cupboards she bought for herself etc and clothes she couldn't take back as had too much shopping!!

I'd send a message asking her to send you a postage label (cna email as a PDF these days) so that you can send them back to her - give her a time limit for sending it otherwise you'll donate to food bank/charity shop

uncomfortablydumb53 · 17/07/2023 23:23

She's not even coming to see you!
Put a stop to that straight away Just say due to your work schedule you don't have the time or inclination for visors so this will be no longer possible!
I get the feeling she lives with her parents and is used to them running around after her
I'd even consider packing up any important belongs and send them back via courier

BreadInCaptivity · 17/07/2023 23:28

Basilfaulty2 · 17/07/2023 21:25

Yes that's exactly it, like a hotel!

She doesn't come to see me , it's to do something specific in the day at the weekend

Just wondered if I was being petty!

So why are you putting up with this?

She's not even a guest in the technical sense as she's not visiting you - she's using your home as a doss house.

The LEAST she could do under these circumstances is be tidy. What she SHOULD do is bring a proper gift of thanks AND make sure you are not out of pocket in accommodating here (food etc).

She's bloody cheeky and you're being a sucker.

Don't have a next time. She can pay for a hotel and collect her stuff she's (deliberately left to have a reason to keep taking the piss) when she visits next at her own expense.

Grow a backbone. Say no and say why.

"I don't want to host you anymore. You'll need to book a hotel and collect your things you left here.

"After a long week at work I do not want to spend my weekends cooking/cleaning/tidying/paying for food for someone who isn't coming to see me, but use my home as doss house and shows not only zero appreciation, but leaves my home a dirty tip".

StellaJohanna · 17/07/2023 23:31

How unbelievably rude of her. I would just be absolutely straight when she asks to stay again. "We won't be able to accommodate you any more. It's not convenient". If she's too thick to understand that, say " No, you cannot stay here again. It won't work for us any more." If she persists, just repeat that. Honestly why would you want this person in your life. You don't deserve it at all.

Totaly · 17/07/2023 23:33

If you invite someone to stay, then you treat them as a guest

Wow, next time MIL invites us we’ll just trash her house eat all her food and leave shot everywhere … who knew thems the rules?

Daffodilsandtuplips · 17/07/2023 23:56

Basilfaulty2 · 17/07/2023 21:50

Thanks, good to get others opinions.

I've been bought up that when you have guests you tend to do the cooking and washing up etc, but things will have to change
She is going to have to come again as she left a lot of stuff here for next time!

Food in cupboards she bought for herself etc and clothes she couldn't take back as had too much shopping!!

Shes a crafty CF, leaving stuff behind so she’ll have to collect it.
Stick to your guns in not letting her stay in two weeks time but on her next visit make it clear this is your home and she should respect that. Oh and make sure she takes her stuff with her when she leaves, you’re home isn’t a storage locker.
Start charging her for her stay, let’s see how she likes that.

BreadInCaptivity · 17/07/2023 23:56

Totaly · 17/07/2023 23:33

If you invite someone to stay, then you treat them as a guest

Wow, next time MIL invites us we’ll just trash her house eat all her food and leave shot everywhere … who knew thems the rules?

Exactly.

Being a guest is imho a reciprocal arrangement.

In return for someone hosting you, it's your job to make that as easy and enjoyable as possible.

This is doubly true when they are not actually visiting you but using your home in lieu of paying for a hotel.

When we visit friends/family I wouldn't dream of not turning up with a gift for starters (usually a few decent bottles of wine and flowers).

Whilst staying I offer to contribute to food costs and if declined, then I normally offer to pay for a restaurant meal/takeaway so the host didn't have to cook for at least a night.

During my stay I'd pitch in with the cooking //washing up etc and make damn sure I was leaving rooms tidy and following house rules such as shoes off etc.

On leaving I strip the beds and offer to put them in the wash.

For a stay of more than a few nights I also usually send a thank you gift after I've left - like a nice hamper for example (not so much for family as they wouldn't want me to, but absolutely for friends).

It's a privilege being invited to stay at someone else's home and you should behave as such.

heyitsthistle · 17/07/2023 23:58

I got rid of my sofa bed in order to help deter guests

Flatandhappy · 17/07/2023 23:58

Just tell her no, that doesn’t work for me, I’m busy, every time if you are feeling nice. Sorry, I’m a bit over houseguests at the moment so I’m taking a break if you are not. I actually rearranged my house to lose the “spare room” after a few awful experiences and 2018 will always be known in our house as “the year the x family ruined Christmas”. Let this woman pay for a hotel if she doesn’t know how to behave as a houseguest.

Canisaysomething · 18/07/2023 00:15

My children understand if they aren't polite and a good guest for play dates they might not be invited again. If a 5 year old can understand that concept, surely an adult can as well. Don't invite her again. She's a shit guest and shit guests don't get invited back.

GrumpyPanda · 18/07/2023 00:31

Basilfaulty2 · 17/07/2023 21:39

Hi, no not a sister!

I just wondered if someone who is very messy and untidy themselves would perhaps not get that if you invite yourself to stay in someone else's home you clear up after yourself?

Leaving an unmade bed is in my mind the height of rudeness

My house is rather messy, and I'll happily leave some dishes around at home. I wouldn't dream of doing similar at a friend's place. Sheets get stripped unless instructed otherwise. Shoes always off. Wouldn't help myself to food unless invited. It's all pretty basic, and your friend is massively out of line. Not sure I would tiptoe around the problem but then I'm not a Brit 😀

Fraaahnces · 18/07/2023 00:39

Honestly tell her you can’t have guests because you’re over-tired/over-worked/sick. Tell her she can stay in a hotel and collect her crap while she’s there. She’s not 12 and you’re not her mother.
*Still no idea why you didn’t ask her to take her shoes off.

Bilboard · 18/07/2023 04:01

Say no. You have nothing to lose. Good news is CFs in general have a thick skin and they don't get easily offended.
She 'll be coming to you every 5/6 weeks for a week at the time, my CF got a house key cut, invited people over for coffee and even offered to host a bbq and when I asked her if I could stay at hers whilst visiting her city for a weekend she said not, "she doent like people in her house, could I book an airb&b" . This happened to me, learn from my experience.

Lacucuracha · 18/07/2023 04:50

Totaly · 17/07/2023 23:33

If you invite someone to stay, then you treat them as a guest

Wow, next time MIL invites us we’ll just trash her house eat all her food and leave shot everywhere … who knew thems the rules?

Why have you quoted that poster out of context? Poor form.

MinnieMountain · 18/07/2023 05:37

Eat the food. Say you assumed it was a thank you.

Whataretheodds · 18/07/2023 06:02

BreadInCaptivity · 17/07/2023 23:56

Exactly.

Being a guest is imho a reciprocal arrangement.

In return for someone hosting you, it's your job to make that as easy and enjoyable as possible.

This is doubly true when they are not actually visiting you but using your home in lieu of paying for a hotel.

When we visit friends/family I wouldn't dream of not turning up with a gift for starters (usually a few decent bottles of wine and flowers).

Whilst staying I offer to contribute to food costs and if declined, then I normally offer to pay for a restaurant meal/takeaway so the host didn't have to cook for at least a night.

During my stay I'd pitch in with the cooking //washing up etc and make damn sure I was leaving rooms tidy and following house rules such as shoes off etc.

On leaving I strip the beds and offer to put them in the wash.

For a stay of more than a few nights I also usually send a thank you gift after I've left - like a nice hamper for example (not so much for family as they wouldn't want me to, but absolutely for friends).

It's a privilege being invited to stay at someone else's home and you should behave as such.

Show quote history

This.

OP, if she's a friend, tell her the truth. The friendship won't survive a continuation of this behaviour by her or the unresolved resentment you feel, so you may as well tell her and her response will determine whether she's worth staying friends with.