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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit tired of guests staying!

265 replies

Basilfaulty2 · 17/07/2023 21:14

I live in a fairly expensive capital city, very central so have alot of people wanting to stay periodically

Usually don't mind and enjoy but the last lme tired me out and has put me off!

Not sure if I am being petty though. For context I never stay at hers and if I visit have to stay in a hotel , her circumstances don't allow guests.

She arrived Friday late afternoon, I had a very long week at the office by this stage so was knackered which didn't help.

As she walked in, told her I had just had the carpets deep cleaned, expecting her to take her dirty trainers off, but no, came.in and left marks over pale carpet.

No room for a dishwasher in kitchen, so she merrily makes tea, coffee, and snacks, then piles all the crockery in the sink or on the side for me to wash , and reminds me by saying we have run out of cups.

I take her out for dinner one night and.make break fast every morning , she gave me a free gift thay was stuck on the front of a magazine she bought, as a thank.you

She is pretty untidy, so I spent alot of the weekend clearing up after her. Incapable it seems of doing anything in kitchen without spilling something on floor or counters and.just leaves it

Then she left my spare room and bathroom in a mess when she left , either make the bed or strip it, don't leave a tangled.pile.of sheets and spill make up all over the bathroom sink

First world problems, but after a hectic week at work, didn't need it. When she asked if she could stay again 2 weeks later I said I was busy.

2 weeks later she messaged again to ask if i was sure I was busy.

Petty but I'm pretty irritated

OP posts:
sonjadog · 18/07/2023 17:05

I wouldn't feel that sorry for her. Maybe her life is hard but that doesn't give her a free pass to treat other people's homes poorly and treat her friends like her staff. Being polite and thankful is not dependent on how life has treated you. She sounds like a user who is taking advantage of your kindness.

Momtotwokids · 18/07/2023 17:06

I would mail her back her stuff and say the hotel is closed till further notice. She is rude and you need to be rude back

Hopelesscynic · 18/07/2023 17:21

Basilfaulty2 · 17/07/2023 21:50

Thanks, good to get others opinions.

I've been bought up that when you have guests you tend to do the cooking and washing up etc, but things will have to change
She is going to have to come again as she left a lot of stuff here for next time!

Food in cupboards she bought for herself etc and clothes she couldn't take back as had too much shopping!!

I'll give you my advice OP, do not let her in your home again. Text her to say Sorry but after her last visit you've realised having guests in the foreseeable is not an option. If you feel like you need to give reasons, you can say it's just too much and your mental health is suffering as your life is super busy so you have no energy or head space to entertain guests. Tell her you will be Posting her stuff to her address. Might be a bit expensive but worth it, if it means she doesn't have to come back to your house and pull the same shit.
Then distance yourself after that and every time she asks ignore or rinse and repeat, no you're not able to accommodate.
Given how she's behaved it sounds Very Much like she is openly using you. I cant imagine being put up by my friend for free at an expensive city, especially after I have asked for it as a favour - and not make my bed, wash my cups etc. She should have been the one buying you dinner too, as a small way to thank you. Instead she comes back with a takeaway and nothing for you. She really doesn't sound like a friend at all.

BeeHappy12 · 18/07/2023 17:23

ChubbyMorticia · 17/07/2023 21:55

“I’ve decided not to have overnights guests any more. It’s too much on top of working all week.”

This

neverenoughplants · 18/07/2023 17:24

Definitely not being petty, I would do the same. She sounds chaotic, selfish and messy, and she's free to be like that in her own house, but not when it's your place and you're left to do all the work of tidying up after her. It's especially cheeky to pile dishes into the sink and remind you to wash them! If it were me, I'd be conveniently busy everytime she wanted to stay - she sounds like a nightmare.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 18/07/2023 17:26

Are they 12?

FlamingoQueen · 18/07/2023 17:27

I would just say that when you’ve been at work all week it’s not convenient to have someone staying over. If she pushes, you’ll have to say about your carpets, the mess, the fact that you taken her out / considered food for her, when really she should be taking you out. Be firm. It’s your home!

Toohotforchips · 18/07/2023 17:29

Say you have a lodger. They don't stay all week, or even every weekend and they can usually be relied on to be away when someone you really like wants to stay. What the heck, maybe even really investigate getting one? Host a post grad or mature student from the local university.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 18/07/2023 17:31

She’s a CF and TBH you’ve been enabling her.

Lay down some rules next time - or just tell her there won’t be a next time, she’s been taking the piss.

neverenoughplants · 18/07/2023 17:33

Basilfaulty2 · 17/07/2023 21:50

Thanks, good to get others opinions.

I've been bought up that when you have guests you tend to do the cooking and washing up etc, but things will have to change
She is going to have to come again as she left a lot of stuff here for next time!

Food in cupboards she bought for herself etc and clothes she couldn't take back as had too much shopping!!

I've just seen this - wow, she is even cheekier than I had realised! Sounds like she is expecting to be able to come back (wouldn't be surprised if she decided to keep leaving stuff at yours either). Maybe I'm cynical but there's no way I'd do that unless it was a close friend and they insisted it was OK.

i was brought up similar to you - would never dream of leaving all the cooking and the washing up to the person I was visiting. It's either for me as a way of repaying the kindness, or maybe a joint effort.

Would be interesting to see what she did if you offered to parcel up her stuff and send it back to her! If she reacts badly then you know she was banking on being able to come back.

shams05 · 18/07/2023 17:34

Don't give her another chance op! Who are all these people who'd let others walk all over them like this regularly?
It doesn't matter what happening in her life, she's not exactly endearing herself to you. She's treating you like her housekeeper in your own home

Overthehillbutnotveryfar · 18/07/2023 17:37

You can feel sorry for her and be as kind as you like but you can still set house rules and ask her specifically to stick to them . The two are not incompatible. Her behaviour is at worst very rude and at best insensitive . You are facilitating this if you do not make clear your standards to her. Please put your needs first .

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 18/07/2023 17:37

She sees this as not being an issue which is why she’s left food/clothes etc at your place and hasn’t taken it home. And because she announces she’s coming and doesn’t ask then she sees this as find and probably thinks you’re ok with this.

You so as PP say need to grow a backbone. If it’s something she’s comes up for regularly eg convention for users (joke!) then say sorry you’ll have to source alternative accommodation if you want to come/stay. Give her your reasons but be firm. Even say you think she’s being tight but ask what others coming for this do - maybe she could organise something with them. If however she apologises sincerely to you, promises to change and is sorry it’s affected her friendship with you then I’d consider letting her stay maybe not all the time but on a stay by stay occasional basis.

Its not your fault she has a hard life either but she certainly shouldn’t be using you.

Sceptre86 · 18/07/2023 17:37

Why can't you speak to her? For instance we are a shoes off household and I tell people at the door. I'd always strip the bed if staying at my mum's. Staying anywhere else I ask. I'd offer to cook or take the host out for a meal or get a takeaway one night.

Tbh for this houseguest I'd be perpetually busy.

ThereIbledit · 18/07/2023 17:40

As you have acknowledged, you need to sort yourself out in terms of how this has happened with her repeatedly, so that she and other CFs can't keep doing it to you.

As she walked in, told her I had just had the carpets deep cleaned, expecting her to take her dirty trainers off, but no, came.in and left marks over pale carpet.

"Oi! I've just told you my carpets are clean, take your shoes off right now and leave them in the hallway!"

she merrily makes tea, coffee, and snacks, then piles all the crockery in the sink or on the side for me to wash , and reminds me by saying we have run out of cups.

"I'm not your fucking maid and this isn't a hotel, you need to do your fair share of cooking, cleaning and that includes the washing up."

She is going to have to return as she has left her stuff here

"Your shit stuff is still in my house, and I'm not a storage facility. I'll eat/throw away the food because I don't have room to store food food for you, and you'll need to collect or arrange for a courier to collect your clothes by X date or I'll need to take them to a charity shop."

If she's a twat about any of it, she looses guest privileges. She will have lost them already

"

ChrisPPancake · 18/07/2023 17:41

I'd provide her with details of the local youth hostel and be done personally!

Keykat · 18/07/2023 17:50

Is she a family member/relative? If so it can be a tad more difficult to be blunt, but you can do it!

If she is a friend/former colleague/unrelated, then you can fire on all cylinders. In any event you are NOT happy or comfortable having her stay. It is YOUR house, your rules and she is oblivious. No more. I think with people like her the softly softly dancing around the issue, being apologetic, making excuses does not work. They ignore it. They wouldn't behave as they do if they didn't have hide like a rhinocerous in the first place. And believe me, they choose their targets well, no offence to you OP, but they do.

Time to take a deep breath, practise what you will say, compose an email/text and be done with her. The harsher the better because any chink in your armour and they will be back through the door.

TheGander · 18/07/2023 17:53

Another one chiming in to say don’t have her back and don’t feel a moment’s guilt. I’m in my 50s so probably older but when I’m lucky enough to stay for free at a friend’s or relative’s I make damn sure I 1) bring a present 2) offer help with chores. If it’s longer than an overnighter I’ll invite my host out to a restaurant. Why? Out of politeness and to create goodwill, and hopefully so I can return! I do have relative who stays sometimes for 10 days at a time and contributes nothing to the shopping but at least she’s tidy and I grin and bear it as she’s family.

Daphnis156 · 18/07/2023 17:58

Don't have her to stay again.
And not to visit either, or that will suddenly turn into a stay!

Wibbleswombats · 18/07/2023 18:00

Sounds more like cuckooing than visiting.

My sister might behave like this but even she's no longer welcome.

cheezncrackers · 18/07/2023 18:12

You took her out for dinner? If you stay with someone, you take them for dinner!! What a rude, entitled cow. She wouldn't be welcome to stay with me again after such a spoilt and brattish performance as her last stay. Let her stay in a hotel.

Changes17 · 18/07/2023 18:14

If she's a friend, tell her why you don't want her to stay, because she won't learn otherwise. If she is truly sorry and promises to change her ways you might consider it, but only if you want to.

Babbleoff · 18/07/2023 18:14

As she walked in, told her I had just had the carpets deep cleaned, expecting her to take her dirty trainers off, but no, came.in and left marks over pale carpet.

You need to be more direct and actually say, take your shoes off!

Brefugee · 18/07/2023 18:17

don't be a wet lettuce OP. She doesn't come to see you but you cook for her? no.

Either call her and tell her you are disappointed how she treated the place and how she left it and that she is not welcome again.

Or when she asks to come next time say no. You can give a reason if you want.

windmill26 · 18/07/2023 18:17

Personally I would have put a stop to her staying after the first time she behaved this way. She is not a friend,she is taking advantage of your hospitality and treats your place like a hotel. In regards to the stuff left at your place,she can pick it up the next time she is in town but specify that she is not staying at yours anymore as you are very busy and need downtime to relax. If I was you I would stop all this merry go round of guests (especially the ones that don't reciprocate).