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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit tired of guests staying!

265 replies

Basilfaulty2 · 17/07/2023 21:14

I live in a fairly expensive capital city, very central so have alot of people wanting to stay periodically

Usually don't mind and enjoy but the last lme tired me out and has put me off!

Not sure if I am being petty though. For context I never stay at hers and if I visit have to stay in a hotel , her circumstances don't allow guests.

She arrived Friday late afternoon, I had a very long week at the office by this stage so was knackered which didn't help.

As she walked in, told her I had just had the carpets deep cleaned, expecting her to take her dirty trainers off, but no, came.in and left marks over pale carpet.

No room for a dishwasher in kitchen, so she merrily makes tea, coffee, and snacks, then piles all the crockery in the sink or on the side for me to wash , and reminds me by saying we have run out of cups.

I take her out for dinner one night and.make break fast every morning , she gave me a free gift thay was stuck on the front of a magazine she bought, as a thank.you

She is pretty untidy, so I spent alot of the weekend clearing up after her. Incapable it seems of doing anything in kitchen without spilling something on floor or counters and.just leaves it

Then she left my spare room and bathroom in a mess when she left , either make the bed or strip it, don't leave a tangled.pile.of sheets and spill make up all over the bathroom sink

First world problems, but after a hectic week at work, didn't need it. When she asked if she could stay again 2 weeks later I said I was busy.

2 weeks later she messaged again to ask if i was sure I was busy.

Petty but I'm pretty irritated

OP posts:
wehavelostsightofwhatanormalhoodiesizeis · 17/07/2023 21:57

I'd even invite another friend to stay over when she comes and collect her stuff, while booked in a hotel, just to make sure she has no chance of staying in my place. Ever again.

Shinyandnew1 · 17/07/2023 21:59

I think if you’re going to let people stay, you need to use your words!

’There’s no more cups’…‘no, you’ve used them all-would you mind washing some up?

’Oh, I’ve just had my carpets cleaned-can you please take your shoes off!’

’Can you strip the bed for me when you go?’

But tbh, she sounds hard work-I wouldn’t have her over to stay again.

coxesorangepippin · 17/07/2023 21:59

Seriously?? You wonder if she's taking the piss???

Twyford · 17/07/2023 21:59

As she walked in, told her I had just had the carpets deep cleaned, expecting her to take her dirty trainers off, but no, came.in and left marks over pale carpet.

Why didn't you just ask her to take her shoes off?

No room for a dishwasher in kitchen, so she merrily makes tea, coffee, and snacks, then piles all the crockery in the sink or on the side for me to wash , and reminds me by saying we have run out of cups.

Why not just show her where the washing up liquid is?

TomatoSandwiches · 17/07/2023 21:59

Basilfaulty2 · 17/07/2023 21:50

Thanks, good to get others opinions.

I've been bought up that when you have guests you tend to do the cooking and washing up etc, but things will have to change
She is going to have to come again as she left a lot of stuff here for next time!

Food in cupboards she bought for herself etc and clothes she couldn't take back as had too much shopping!!

Ship it to her, sounds like she knows she has been a right shit and deliberately left her crap there as a convenient excuse to get a free stay with a slave again.

I'd send it with a note to never darken your door again but I'm quite rude.

Nsky62 · 17/07/2023 22:00

I stay with my brother I help out as needed, and pay for shopping, I leave bed as requested

billy1966 · 17/07/2023 22:02

You are not petty.

She is pig ignorant and you are a bit of a soft mug unfortunately.

Her behaviour is not normal and neither is yours.

I had loads and loads of visitors when I lived in Central European city and I'd have filleted anyone who treated my home like that, not that anyone ever did.

Absolutely not on.

Parlourgames · 17/07/2023 22:02

No, you aren’t being petty at all. I wouldn’t have her to stay again myself. I think you should just say “No, sorry, it’s just too much work for me after a hard week of work”. As for her stuff, well she can come and pick it up.

kayserah · 17/07/2023 22:02

She sounds like my daughter, is she 13 too? Actually no my daughter is a lot tidier and more considered

RachelNoire · 17/07/2023 22:03

Don’t let her stay over again and tell her she needs to collect her stuff by x date as you don’t need her clutter.

whilst her behaviour is awful I don’t know how you managed to not mention about taking shoes off for the clean carpet or when she ran out of mugs.

NoSquirrels · 17/07/2023 22:04

She sounds awful and I’d be annoyed too, but a lot of this was in your power.

Instead of saying ‘I’ve had the carpets cleaned’ you needed to say ‘Please don’t wear shoes indoors as I’ve just had the carpets cleaned.’

When she told you there were no more cups, you should have suggested she wash up. And when she left a mess you should have pointed out she needed it clear up. Instead of taking her out for dinner you should have told her the price of a weekend stay was her taking you out to dinner!

NoSquirrels · 17/07/2023 22:05

I’m going to assume ‘her circumstances don’t allow for her to host’ means she lives with her parents still…

MenoRageisReal · 17/07/2023 22:08

LotsOfThingsToThinkAbout · 17/07/2023 21:42

Why don't you tell her when she is being an arse. Why tell her the carpets have been cleaned then not tell her to take her shoes off? Why do her washing up,when you could just ask her to do it?
Why are you taking her out for meals and making her breakfast then complaining about it? Presumably she wasnt holding a gun to your head!

We used to live in a popular tourist city and had a lot of visitors, some were amazing and some not so good. I know it's difficult but you need to be more assertive.

I agree. You've been so typically British to not say anything, seethe internally and then moan about it afterwards. Totally ineffective.

Hints don't work with guests. Please take your shoes off in my home. Please tidy up the mess you made in the kitchen, I don't appreciate it being left like that. We are going halves on this takeaway. Tomorrow morning can you please strip your bed and leave the sheets in the basket.
What's so hard about saying ANY of the above? Confused

Codlingmoths · 17/07/2023 22:08

I think you say by busy I mean I’m too busy to be a hotel, I work all week just like everyone else, and I don’t get a weekend myself when I’m clearing up after people.

and since you are clearly having her back, you message her beforehand saying I am doing a shoes off house now. If the dishes are all used you say honestly, would it kill you to wash some?

NoSquirrels · 17/07/2023 22:09

I've been bought up that when you have guests you tend to do the cooking and washing up etc, but things will have to change

Reframe your thinking.

If you invite someone to stay, then you treat them as a guest.

If someone invites themselves to stay, then treat them as if they need to repay your generous gesture and ask them to contribute. (Most people won’t need asking but if someone does, definitely say something.)

FOJN · 17/07/2023 22:13

Basilfaulty2 · 17/07/2023 21:50

Thanks, good to get others opinions.

I've been bought up that when you have guests you tend to do the cooking and washing up etc, but things will have to change
She is going to have to come again as she left a lot of stuff here for next time!

Food in cupboards she bought for herself etc and clothes she couldn't take back as had too much shopping!!

She really doesn't have to come again. Her using your place as a storage facility to justify a return visit is just more evidence of her cheeky fuckery.

Stop being so passive. I've just had the carpets cleaned, can you take your shoes off. Even better tell her you are a shoes off household. When she said there were no clean cups I'd have told her where the washing up liquid and cloths were and reminded her my home wasn't a hotel. I'd have asked her to strip the bed when she left and told her breakfast was a help yourself affair.

I'm actually very hospitable but if you treat my home disrespectfully I will withdraw some of that hospitality to make sure you don't feel welcome to return.

Pack her stuff up and arrange for her to collect it the next time she is local. If you let her stay again she will leave more stuff behind as an excuse to carry on using your home as a city crash pad.

RedHelenB · 17/07/2023 22:13

Basilfaulty2 · 17/07/2023 21:25

Yes that's exactly it, like a hotel!

She doesn't come to see me , it's to do something specific in the day at the weekend

Just wondered if I was being petty!

Why didn't you say shoes off? Why didn't you say, the washing up liquids under the sink? Why didn't you say, I've been working all week so need some time to relax so can you strip the bed when leaving and tidy up after yourself? Too late now but practise for next time you have visitors.

TheModHatter · 17/07/2023 22:15

Be honest.

Tell her that whereas you often like to see her there are times when you want your weekend to yourself and are not up to hosting her for her other interests. Or say ‘LOL I love to see you but at the end of a busy week I can’t be running round after you, washing up, dealing with bedding etc. if you come you have to be a flat mate: take a turn at the sink and cooker and clean the bathroom before you leave! Deal?’ And don’t pay for her if you go out!

Beautiful3 · 17/07/2023 22:22

She didn't come to see you, just used you like a hotel. I'd just say, I'm sorry but I'm not having anymore guests stay. If she asks why just reply, I.need my weekends to relax and recharge, I can't do that when cleaning up after guests.

LakeTiticaca · 17/07/2023 22:24

Don't be a doormat. Next time send her a list of local hotels

Naddd · 17/07/2023 22:26

Unless she's a halfwit she shouldn't have to be told.

The sheer audacity is astonishing.

No I'd decline a repeat visit. If she needs her stuff say you'll be happy to ship it to her at her cost.

Bye Felecia!

Joeylove88 · 17/07/2023 22:27

I would be honest and tell her how you are feeling after the last time she stayed and list the things she did so she knows how rude she was. Then you decide if you want to put her up again or not.

BillyNoM8s · 17/07/2023 22:33

Don't be a martyr. Tell her straight.

Hi blah, yes I'm sure. I'm not willing to host any more to be honest. It's tiring after a long week at work and my home is treated like a hotel - washing up not done, unmade beds, dirt and mess left on sides and sinks, as well as belongings inexplicably left behind in drawers and cupboards...

Happy to catch up for a drink next time you're around - I can bring your things.

Hope you enjoy ####

Teaandscone · 17/07/2023 22:38

You have something on at the time she wants to visit. How unfortunate.
There’s no need to specify that it’s on iPlayer or on your bookshelf!

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 17/07/2023 22:43

She's rude. We have friends that we use as a bit of a crash pad when visiting a major city (we offer same in return), we arrive with wine/flowers, take them out for a meal to say thank you, are tidy, help out around the kitchen, and generally try to show how grateful we are.