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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit tired of guests staying!

265 replies

Basilfaulty2 · 17/07/2023 21:14

I live in a fairly expensive capital city, very central so have alot of people wanting to stay periodically

Usually don't mind and enjoy but the last lme tired me out and has put me off!

Not sure if I am being petty though. For context I never stay at hers and if I visit have to stay in a hotel , her circumstances don't allow guests.

She arrived Friday late afternoon, I had a very long week at the office by this stage so was knackered which didn't help.

As she walked in, told her I had just had the carpets deep cleaned, expecting her to take her dirty trainers off, but no, came.in and left marks over pale carpet.

No room for a dishwasher in kitchen, so she merrily makes tea, coffee, and snacks, then piles all the crockery in the sink or on the side for me to wash , and reminds me by saying we have run out of cups.

I take her out for dinner one night and.make break fast every morning , she gave me a free gift thay was stuck on the front of a magazine she bought, as a thank.you

She is pretty untidy, so I spent alot of the weekend clearing up after her. Incapable it seems of doing anything in kitchen without spilling something on floor or counters and.just leaves it

Then she left my spare room and bathroom in a mess when she left , either make the bed or strip it, don't leave a tangled.pile.of sheets and spill make up all over the bathroom sink

First world problems, but after a hectic week at work, didn't need it. When she asked if she could stay again 2 weeks later I said I was busy.

2 weeks later she messaged again to ask if i was sure I was busy.

Petty but I'm pretty irritated

OP posts:
PollyThePixie · 18/07/2023 06:08

Basilfaulty2 · 17/07/2023 21:50

Thanks, good to get others opinions.

I've been bought up that when you have guests you tend to do the cooking and washing up etc, but things will have to change
She is going to have to come again as she left a lot of stuff here for next time!

Food in cupboards she bought for herself etc and clothes she couldn't take back as had too much shopping!!

Shes marking out her territory and now looks at your home as her home away from home. It’s only going to get worse.

BMrs · 18/07/2023 06:09

YANBU but I would say if you allow her to stay again you need to be more vocal with what you need.

Can you take your shoes off please I've just had the carpets cleaned? I don't have a dishwasher so can you give your pots a quick wash? Can you strip your bed before leaving please and stick the sheets in the washer?

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 18/07/2023 06:12

Tinkerbyebye · 17/07/2023 21:18

you have a choice

1, let her stay but advise her of house rules, ie no shoes on in the house, room to be kept tidy, bathroom clean and all pots washed up, not left on the side
2, don’t let her stay any more

This.
Your first reply has it in one.
Sometimes you have to be really direct with people ie can you take your shoes off please?

eish · 18/07/2023 06:42

She’s a CF. Don’t let her stay again and tell her why. She’s using you and unpleasant.

Soddingcat · 18/07/2023 06:43

Really sorry but you’ll need to stay in a hotel next time , I love you , but you are very messy and untidy and it was like having Kevin and Perry in the house !
I just had the carpet cleaned and you trailed mud everywhere and left endless dishes for me and left a big mess in the bedroom and bathroom
I work long hours and don’t have the time or inclination to have messy visitors
I’ll get your stuff ready for you next time you’re in town

im a reformed people pleaser , my mum is the biggest people pleaser in the world , my mind boggles at what she puts up with from endless visitors ,
Its hard the first time you say no , but honestly it’s fabulous, freeing and liberating

SpringIntoChaos · 18/07/2023 07:17

I honestly think this is partly your fault OP! Yes, of course your guest was rude, but your passive 'I've just had the carpets cleaned' to many would not translate into 'please take your shoes off'! If their 'norm' isn't taking off their shoes when they enter a house, it would not occur to them to do so! You need to tell them! 'We are a 'no shoes on indoors' house, so if you wouldn't mind, could you leave your shoes in the hall please?' And, 'Help yourself to tea and snacks, but please wash up after yourself, thanks!' Or, 'It's great to have you stay, but just before you go would you mind stripping the bed and popping the bedding in the laundry basket for me, cheers!'

It's not rude to say what you'd like to happen in your home! Stop being so passive 🤦‍♀️

RampantIvy · 18/07/2023 07:23

I agree with @SpringIntoChaos

icelollycraving · 18/07/2023 07:30

Why are you questioning yourself? You can say no for any reason. She’s given you plenty.
I’d have all her stuff together and courier it. You aren’t a storage facility.

Twyford · 18/07/2023 07:34

Basilfaulty2 · 17/07/2023 21:50

Thanks, good to get others opinions.

I've been bought up that when you have guests you tend to do the cooking and washing up etc, but things will have to change
She is going to have to come again as she left a lot of stuff here for next time!

Food in cupboards she bought for herself etc and clothes she couldn't take back as had too much shopping!!

If she comes again, she'll just move more of her stuff in so that she can demand to come back. You have to put an end to this now. Tell her she can't come to stay but invite her for a meal so she can pick her things up.

Meeting · 18/07/2023 07:45

I'd send her a message -

Hi CF, I'm going to be honest you really mistreated me and my home the last time you were here and I'm not sure this is going to work. I'm happy for you to come back and get your things but you don't respect my home and you left a lot of mess for me to deal with at the end of a busy week.

Replacethelightbulb · 18/07/2023 07:59

We have relatives who come to stay who are really untidy (it's like a hurricane sweeps through the house) but they always clear up after themselves. They also usually bring a nice gift (flowers or a bottle of wine) and are very grateful. It's very entitled to stay with someone, leave a mess, expect your dishes to be washed and not be aware of things like shoes on pale carpets.

You've got a few options. A) Tell her that you're happy for her to stay (if you are) but that you've got a busy week and request she cleans up after herself and is respectful of your home or b) just make an excuse and say you're not up to hosting at the moment.

Definitely don't put up with this as it'll lead to resentment and when that kicks in, the friendship is doomed. You can be friends with some people but due to a clash of how you each choose to live, recognise its best that you don't actually stay together.

Thundercats77 · 18/07/2023 09:25

You need to tell her you won't be accommodating any guests in the near future.

seemslikeeveryoneismad · 18/07/2023 09:37

As a guest I've not always stripped the bed and put it all in the washing machine. I wouldn't leave the bed in a crumpled mess but leave the bed ready to be stripped IYSWIM. I'm now wondering if I've been a bad guest! TBH I wouldn't expect any guest of mine to strip the bed and if they did I'd be wondering if they'd stained the sheets and were trying to hide it, LOL!

determinedtomakethiswork · 18/07/2023 09:41

Meeting · 18/07/2023 07:45

I'd send her a message -

Hi CF, I'm going to be honest you really mistreated me and my home the last time you were here and I'm not sure this is going to work. I'm happy for you to come back and get your things but you don't respect my home and you left a lot of mess for me to deal with at the end of a busy week.

That is the perfect message to send.

Iwishmymumwouldbemymum · 18/07/2023 09:54

When I started reading your op I cringed about the shoes on the newly cleaned carpets as I know when I was younger this might have gone right over my head. I probably would have nodded admiringly at them and gushed compliments and not copped on to remove my shoes.

I suspect I drove my SIL mad in my youth (but she was far too nice to say it) arriving empty handed and sitting down to chat, graciously accepting all the food she presented and not jumping up to help. I did at least always babysit but was pretty useless beyond that. If my brother had taken me aside I would have been utterly mortified and mended my ways. I was in my early twenties, not sure what age you both are.

But then I kept going with your post, all sympathy vanished when you said she checked were you really busy. She's using you!

I can't fathom why she left stuff there either. Food to be kept for her or food she thought you might like? The clothes surplus would enrage me. A friend tried to do similar to me once, I had a room in a houseshare and she said "I'll have to get them again and nodded to her shopping bags." This bedroom was the most wel thought out use of space you've ever seen; IKEA had nothing on me. I shook my head said no, that tiny square of carpet is essential for my sanity so you will be taking them away.

Don't have her stay again and get her to pick up her stuff.

Brbreeze · 18/07/2023 10:03

"take your shoes off please"
"no cups left? no problem, go ahead and wash one. Could you clear the sink while you are there actually please?"
"let's split the bill for dinner"

Hibiscrubbed · 18/07/2023 11:45

Tell her it doesn’t work for you when she next announces she’s coming. Tell her you’ll bag up her stuff and she can collect it, but she’ll have to stay in a hotel. Don’t expand, don’t explain.

piedbeauty · 18/07/2023 12:16

Tinkerbyebye · 17/07/2023 21:18

you have a choice

1, let her stay but advise her of house rules, ie no shoes on in the house, room to be kept tidy, bathroom clean and all pots washed up, not left on the side
2, don’t let her stay any more

This! Use your words and tell her!

EsmeSusanOgg · 18/07/2023 12:36

Basilfaulty2 · 17/07/2023 21:50

Thanks, good to get others opinions.

I've been bought up that when you have guests you tend to do the cooking and washing up etc, but things will have to change
She is going to have to come again as she left a lot of stuff here for next time!

Food in cupboards she bought for herself etc and clothes she couldn't take back as had too much shopping!!

Just ask her when she can collect it. She does not need to stay as a guest in order to collect her stuff..

hot2trotter · 18/07/2023 13:29

For heaven's sake, just say NO!

northernbeee · 18/07/2023 13:32

The rudeness started before the unmade bed - it started with not taking her shoes off after you said the carpets had just been cleaned. She's taking the mick, but you are not helping yourself. Taking her out for dinner and cooking for her. Either let her stay and do nothing for her, ask her to tidy up after herself, or just say no (the latter would be my choice every day of the week).

Loulaa1977 · 18/07/2023 14:29

Wow! She's a massive piss taker and total user. I'd tell her you have too much going on over the next xx months and just don't have the capacity to host guests - and ship her items back to her so she doesn't need to come back. Will be worth the cost of that to not have to put up with being taken advantage of!!

Meeting · 18/07/2023 14:33

northernbeee · 18/07/2023 13:32

The rudeness started before the unmade bed - it started with not taking her shoes off after you said the carpets had just been cleaned. She's taking the mick, but you are not helping yourself. Taking her out for dinner and cooking for her. Either let her stay and do nothing for her, ask her to tidy up after herself, or just say no (the latter would be my choice every day of the week).

I totally agree! Why did you let her walk over your carpet in her shoes? Surely you should have just told her to take them off.

I do feel bad for you but I also feel like you haven't stood up for yourself once. If you make yourself a doormat people will walk all over you. Time to work on being more assertive, starting with telling her she's not welcome to stay again.

MisschiefMaker · 18/07/2023 14:36

Basilfaulty2 · 17/07/2023 21:39

Hi, no not a sister!

I just wondered if someone who is very messy and untidy themselves would perhaps not get that if you invite yourself to stay in someone else's home you clear up after yourself?

Leaving an unmade bed is in my mind the height of rudeness

I think this could be partly the case. If it is I'm sure you would be happy for you to say "please can you take your shoes off / strip the bed" etc. if you do end up having her to stay again then try it and her reaction will tell you what you need to know!

2bazookas · 18/07/2023 14:42

what beats me is that you didn't make her wash up when she ran out of cups! Or let her pay for dinner out.

Just tell her the truth "No, you can't stay, you wore out your welcome last time. "