My husband has walked out

[changingmyname143]

Half way through me making dinner. We have been having problems for a while - mostly about (my) overbearing mother. I am trying to hold it together for the children. He works away a lot so "daddy's gone to work" is a feasible line for them. I am just numb and in shock. There's no AIBU here I've just seen similar things posted with people sending virtual hugs. Which I need. I can't call any of my friends til the children are asleep because it's all I can do to hold together

I'd love to see how it went if an army man went in to announce he was quitting due to finding a partner.

Lots of grand standing here by people critical of a not fully understood situation and doubtful of full facts.

Having had to work away for periods of time to keep food and bills paid- it wasn't a jolly with my mates.
It was lonely in hotel rooms phoning home and feeling you had missed out to do the right thing.

I have had unwanted interference in my family and it boils down to couple making their own decisions.

Maybe the wife is led by her mother, maybe the husband is intolerant-who knows.
Maybe there are mental heath issues 🤔

Whatever happens the children should not be stuck in the middle of a warzone.

Write a letter to each other, don't send it on it's way until you have fully considered the content and not heat of the moment.

Wishing best outcome for children with parents who communicate- whether they are together or not.

PLEASE can we stop the irrelevant sidewar about men working away? It's not what this thread or the original request is about.

OP whether the evening has improved or not I hope you've had some food, maybe a chat with friends and some sleep and be refreshed tomorrow to make some decisions.

First one is - do you want him back? Is he worth taking back?

None of my advice will do the least bit of good, so I'm sending you those hugs you needed, lots of them, and over the next several days.

Well, he's voted with his feet that's for sure but it might not be too late. Is it just your mum that's that problem or is there more to it?

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this, I'm sending a big hug x

It might be too late, but I hope it isn't - you need to prioritise your family ahead of your mum.

You need to be crystal with her that her interference has led to your DH leaving you.

Talk to your DH.

Good luck, I hope you can sort this x

Sending you a virtual hug ❤️

No marriage can withstand a third person butting in. Op, you could resolve this, or you could have resolved this long ago, by looking your mother in the eyeballs and telling her, not another word telling my husband or me how to raise our children, it’s not your call.

No reason to have had any arguments at all, have you been relaying to your husband everything your nosy mother has been saying? Foolish. Nip in the bud, why haven’t you?

I would be very upset if my husband allowed his mother to dictate or complain about how we manage our own family.

That was precisely my thought when I was reading this.
I am sorry that OP has to go through this. Big Hug
Can you put your foot down and tell your mum to back off from now on?

I have an overbearing IL family. They tried to interfere with our lives but guess what? They can't. DH knows I would vote with my feet like OP's DH. I confronted them first and now on non-talking terms with those who made racist, sexist comments. Thinking back, DH really should have done that without me initiating it.

To all MN who think working away is a red flag. Both DH and I work away a lot and keep two homes. Some colleagues have three. Much nicer than being stuck in a hotel room. Working in multiple locations is unavoidable in many professions.

@BathroomOnTheRight don't be ridiculous. you can't travel daily to an oil rig lol they get helicopters and work 15 days on 15 off. same those working in petroleum in middle east.
construction workers are sent all around the country for long stints. don't know what cloud you are living on? do all the people you know work in asda or something?

Not helpful at all and also a load of crap!

What’s a proper normal job?

You really should of sorted your mum out a while ago this hasn’t manifested over night! Just like mums like to point out mil and “man children” this doesn’t appear any different! I’d like to think he might not be being serious but he could well be!

Outside family members can put a huge strain on relationships when boundaries are crossed and they don’t feel there spouse is really dealing with the main source of the problem aka your mum! She shouldn’t have a opinion on your parenting but I suspect it’s far more than that!

It is really, really interesting to me (and slightly enraging) that so many people have completely failed to engage with the reason OP has given that her husband has given for walking out: his MIL.

It seems the only legitimate reason for ending a marriage on here is a man with an 'other woman'. Then it is pages and pages of 'don't do the pick me dance,' 'do the freedom programme' etc, but it is quite gobsmacking how many on here find the idea that somebody would end a marriage over interfering in laws odd. It is a very myopic view, and one that seems a little detached from reality.

As the OP hasn’t been back it’s hard to know exactly what has happened.given the very limited information she gave.

I agree. If the OP was a man and his wife was doing this noone would be suggesting an affair, it would be "I dont blame her one bit!". I dont think people realise how insidious and destructive third party interference can be in a marriage. It can be unbearable.

My advice OP, is to discount entirely the advice of those people who are telling you to take one side or another, husband or mum. There's a lot of 'stand by your man' going on, but this is very irresponsible from people who know nothing of the character of the people concerned. Mothers from hell exist, but so do controlling unreasonable men who try to estrange their partners fron their families. Who don't treat their children properly leaving mothers feeling they have to say something. Both are extreme and we don't know if either or neither apply here.
We know nothing about your situation and these people other than what you have chosen to tell us. Which really boils down to your mum 'interferes' with the children, which is so vague it could mean anything from saying they shouldn't eat chocolate, to high level ctiticism of his parenting. You have also not told us if you agree with her, which you may well. We don't know.
On the other hand you have a husband who has walked out on you and his children. Perhaps it is indeed the last straw, and you have allowed your mother to behave inappropriately to him. Equally, perhaps he is looking for an excuse. Again we don't know.
The only person to understand this situation is you. Only you know which of the two is the most supportive and caring of you and your children, and has your best interests at heart. If it does come down to a choice, you need to think very carefully about that before severing ties with either.

It happens a lot more than some people realise.My nephew couldn't take any more of his MIL's interference so he gave his wife an 'it's me or your mother' ultimatum,she chose her mother.
He's happy with someone else now while his ex MIL is very busy making sure that her daughter remains single and under her control for as long as possible.

I also have a friend whose mother has managed to drive away two husbands

I also know of someone whose mother has broken 2 of his marriages and attempted to break up his sister's relationship until she moved to Australia.

I think if the OP is honest enough to describe her own mother as "overbearing" in the OP, then we can assume her husband does have a point.

She also says that things blow up, her mother backs off, but things then blow up again.

That definitely reads to me as if her mother was overly involved in their marriage.

Parents have absolutely no business telling their children how to raise their grandchildren nor sticking their nose into their childrens families.

The OPs mother has caused stress for a while now and has not been firmly enough told to take her overbearing behaviour away.

Neither me nor my husband would ever tolerate an overbearing parent sticking their nose into our family, not for 5 minutes.

I feel very sorry for the OP, but I think she needs to be very honest with herself about this and what her priorities are.

Is her mother more important than her marriage and her children having a happy dad living with them?

None of my friends would have tolerated such interference in their home like this for a minute.

Conversely, could he be using this as an excuse to leave?
Is this the final straw in an otherwise happy marriage?

You make me laugh. The majority MN live in a different world as me. They think everyone works in a job in the same location 100% of the time. Many tradespeople need to work away during the week. Do a 6hr a day round trip to the construction site, or stay close the site, or onsite if they really want to save £, and go home in the weekend.

@WickedSerious @TheHandbag
I also know many women who are still single thanks to their mother. It is possible to break free from the cycle. Their siblings put their foot down and don't let their mothers get in their way.

I know a woman who made it her mission in life to make sure her daughter stayed single because she was terrified of being asked to move out of the house her daughter(an only child,also an only grandchild)was set to inherit from her grandparents.

You must be on a different thread from me! There's been countless posts telling the OP to put her husband first and blaming her for the situation.
When people want to leave relationships, particularly if that involves leaving their children, they frequently try to absolve themselves of any blame by giving the reason as something their partner (or in this case her mother) has done wrong. Blowing it up out of proportion to excuse themselves.
While this may not be the case, its still a possibility. Yet some posters refuse to consider anything other than taking the husband at his word, and urging the OP to change.
Why should the OP not be offered a range of perspectives to decide for herself what resonates?