My husband has walked out

[changingmyname143]

Half way through me making dinner. We have been having problems for a while - mostly about (my) overbearing mother. I am trying to hold it together for the children. He works away a lot so "daddy's gone to work" is a feasible line for them. I am just numb and in shock. There's no AIBU here I've just seen similar things posted with people sending virtual hugs. Which I need. I can't call any of my friends til the children are asleep because it's all I can do to hold together

Well @BathroomOnTheRight, my ex husband worked away a lot - out of the country for several weeks, if not months, and sometimes at very short notice. I knew lots of others in the same position.

You'll notice he's my ex.

I feel very sympathetic towards you, but also very angry with your husband for doing this to you and the children. It is wholly wrong of him to just storm out and leave you with such a barbed bombshell and to leave you with the kids!
If he does calm down and you do decide to give things a go, he needs to be extremely apologetic for his behaviour. It's just not on. I'm not sure that I could respect a man who does that.

Not helpful. There's always one. 🙄

I’m sorry you’re going through this but I feel more sorry for him.
He has had to leave his wife and his kids because you won’t put in boundaries with your mum - that is very unfair.

Your relationship cannot get back on track unless you deal with your mother first.

Do you want to talk about that instead so we can try and give you some advice and in turn save your marriage?

It sounds like it's the straw that has broken the camels back.

Because 99% of the time, it's true. Occams Razor. Especially when they 'work away'. 🙄

If DH believes in smacking and punishing the DC for every minor transgression and DM objects to this, I’m Team Mum.

If she’s commenting negatively on things that don’t concern her and are not harmful to the DC then I’m Team DH.

What has actually been going on OP?

Yeah - no it’s not. Honestly.

If she's this interfering that he doesn't think he can be with you anymore then you need to choose. You can't let your husband walk out because of your mother's behaviour. I know you might feel torn but you can't keep letting her back in to cause damage to your relationship. You need to keep her at arms length and mean it. Not just for a few months then back to the same over and over.

Even one day perusing this site shows it absolutely is.

I think you need to be honest with yourself OP about how much you actually let your mum cause issues in your relationship.

There are plenty of threads where people say you don’t have a MIL problem OP you have a DH problem and this sounds exactly that, but obviously your DH has a DW problem. Let him go and calm down, have your dinner and some space. It sounds like you either need to pick your DH or your mum OP as sad as that sounds if it’s not too late

Hugs and handholds, OP.

Willing to bet money (if I had any) that your mother is just the convenient excuse.
Stay calm. Don't internalise any blame. Don't blame your mother, even if she's annoying.
Shrug off any comments about 'You didn't listen to him'. The bottom line is, he should be siding with you not fighting you.
There's something going on in his life that makes him think he'd be better off out of the family. Or, he thinks he'll bring you back into line by walking out, you'll be so desperate to have him back.

So. Stay calm. Proceed as if he's gone for good, round up those ducks and get them in a row. If emotions flood in, accept anger and put the others on one side until 2026. By then the divorce will be through and you'll be able to relax.

So many of us have been in similar situations.

What a ridiculous comment. Some men do work away. My fiancé works away two months at a time. He most certainly doesn't have another women.

Just because you do not know anyone in real life whose husband "works away", doesn't mean that all of these men are having an affair! Ridiculous. My husband worked away Monday - Friday for about a decade. He has never cheated. He was working too bloody hard in his busy career. Some careers are massively full-on. You have a very low opinion of men if you think those who "work away", are actually just shagging another woman.

Sending a virtual hug. As others have said you need to speak to your mum and be clear about her boundaries so that he knows it won't continue. Hang on in there!

I wouldn't tolerate a family man working away. If he can't get a normal proper job I'd call it quits. There seems to be a mass epidemic of women on here who have husbands/partners who work away. Most of the time on here, surprise surprise (or not surprise to me) it turns out he was leading two lives. It's bizarre to me. I wouldn't tolerate it and I cannot think of many jobs where it would be legitimately needed to work away except perhaps army/navy, even then I think those jobs aren't conducive to family life so should really only be for single people.

Sending hugs. Hope you work it out x

Are you the MIL? Surely if this was the other way round you'd be championing the woman to Leave!

Ah yeah mumsnet. The source of all sources.

Oh go away

I’m so sorry OP, and I just wanted to say I know how hard it is to have an interfering mother - and how much impact it can have on a relationship. Mine is very interfering too and it’s really hard to tell them to back off, especially if they’ve got you conditioned into not daring to say anything! Mine always gets over the top upset if I say anything and will never admit to being in the wrong, but I have a good relationship with her when she’s not interfering and I don’t want to go NC. It’s so hard if you have to choose between your mother and your marriage.

Other than heated conversations what have you done to get your mother to back off?

How is this helpful?

I worked away mon-fri 2/3 weeks a month for two years prior to DS, not once did I cheat and neither did the many male colleagues I was working with. Sorry PP it was actually very mundane longish days usually started in the hotel gym, work then a meal in a bog standard restaurant and back to the hotel room for TV on a public sector salary. Not an ounce of debauchery to be had.

OP only you know of this is your mum being unreasonable and you allowing her behaviour to impact your family, or your husband causing a row over any innocuous comment made by her.
How you respond will depend on the truth of the matter

My dad walked out one Christmas because my Grandmother drove him to breaking point. He came back two days later.

I'm glad he came back, as an adult I realise my Grandmother was a controlling bitter old woman. I'm glad my mum worked on things with my dad and distanced herself from her mother.

Who do you think your kids will miss most? Is this the only issue or is it an excuse?

If this continues when your children are old enough to realise that dad keeps leaving, then they will become insecure and constantly fear anything they do wrong (poor exam results etc) could trigger another disappearance.