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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband has walked out

217 replies

changingmyname143 · 16/07/2023 18:14

Half way through me making dinner. We have been having problems for a while - mostly about (my) overbearing mother. I am trying to hold it together for the children. He works away a lot so "daddy's gone to work" is a feasible line for them. I am just numb and in shock. There's no AIBU here I've just seen similar things posted with people sending virtual hugs. Which I need. I can't call any of my friends til the children are asleep because it's all I can do to hold together

OP posts:
notsorighteousthesedays · 16/07/2023 18:50

Wow! That's truly pathetic of him. You are all adults, responsible for your own behaviour and no-one else. He sound like he finds family life too much effort and wants out - blaming it in you and your mum isn't the justification he thinks it is.
You will get through this and be better for it. Stay strong.xx

mangochops · 16/07/2023 18:50

I am so sorry OP. But why did you not put firmer boundaries in with your mum?- this was your responsibility to do so and if the situation was reversed it would equally be his.

The stress of in laws interfering can be absolutely unbearable and it really is your responsibility to be firm with her. If you dont, this will keep happening.

SmudgeButt · 16/07/2023 18:51

No advice. Just hugs. Try to stay strong.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 16/07/2023 18:52

No advice from me, either, just more hugs.

redheadcurl · 16/07/2023 18:53

Has he done this before? Is he likely to calm down and come back later? Hugs

saltinesandcoffeecups · 16/07/2023 18:53

Ouch I’m sorry OP. But it does sound there is DW problem in this 3 way relationship. When you’ve had a chance to get your feet under you I think you need to really take a hard and critical look at what’s brought you to this point and if there is a way forward for you and your family.

Promwasgreat · 16/07/2023 18:55

Virtual hugs. Family interactions can be so hard sometimes.

Scirocco · 16/07/2023 18:56

I'm sorry, OP. That's a horrible thing to have happen at any time, let alone in the middle of dinner on a Sunday night.

If he's taken an overnight bag and the kids are ok with the idea of him having gone out for work, hold it together til they've gone to bed and then get a friend to come support you or phone someone. Eat your dinner, his dinner and as much ice-cream as you need to if that's what it takes to cope tonight.

Is he the kind of man who might say that out of frustration and then calm down and want to discuss things? If so, have a think about what you want to say to him in response and whether you want to try to make the relationship work after this. Are there changes you think you could or should make, eg to the dynamic with your mum if that's a major issue? Would you want to try marriage counselling? Or is this the last straw for you? You can't control what he does, but what you can do is decide what you yourself want.

StellaJohanna · 16/07/2023 18:56

I'm so sorry OP - I hope some good comes out of it and you can move forward. it's very hard when an overbearing mother is interfering. Hugs to you 💐

Louoby · 16/07/2023 18:57

It's basically either you chose your mother or your husband it sounds like. Your mother sounds like an absolute nightmare so I can't blame your husband for having enough. Can you tell your mother to back off as she's breaking down your marriage with her unwanted opinions?

BlastedPimples · 16/07/2023 18:57

Has this happened before that he's walked out?

What kind of things does your mother do?

Pudmyboy · 16/07/2023 18:58

Just sending hugs, partly because that's what you asked for just at this point, partly because it's plainly a difficult time for you.
Do all the rest when the kids are asleep and you can phone a friend

PinkyFlamingo · 16/07/2023 18:59

What's really going on? You say she interferes but if he's spoken to you about this begire and nothing has changed because you haven't done anything then I really don't blame him.

ItsNotTheGirlsWhoRiotAndStartWars · 16/07/2023 18:59

It might be a cry for help. I would be having a Frank conversation with mother - tell her he's walked out and you need to show him you value his views, so please can she back off.

Poppyblush · 16/07/2023 19:01

I hope you have told your mum what misery she has caused. And you have enabled.

CarolynKnappShappy · 16/07/2023 19:01

Your mum should not be interfering in your marriage or the way you raise them.

I hope not, but if he works away a lot he might have already detached from the unit of family.

up to you if you call him and say ‘I choose you’ or not. That might mean going LC or NC with your mother.

My exes parents were the main reason we split although he needs to take 100% responsibility as he didn’t stand up for me. I remember him at our first counselling session trying to play the ‘I am caught in the middle’ act but the counsellor kicked that into touch immediately. Our children, our home our marriage - his parents = no say

ZickZack · 16/07/2023 19:01

changingmyname143 · 16/07/2023 18:28

My mum interferes with the way we bring up the children rather than our relationship. It's caused tension but I didn't think this bad. We have had heated conversations with mum in the past but essentially she backs off for a bit then comes back.

Op, I'm with your husband here. I had a great relationship with mil before ds1 was born. Then it went to shit. She did exactly what your mum does... Interfered in everything and we couldn't do anything right. It caused so many arguments with us. Eventually, I had a very open conversation with mil and she has reflected and is doing her best to butt out of things. It has greatly improved things But if your mother isn't butting out, then you need to take further steps. No one wants someone telling them how to raise their children

Dotcheck · 16/07/2023 19:02

I’m what way does she interfere?

Member869894 · 16/07/2023 19:03

Is there possibly another woman in the wings?

BathroomOnTheRight · 16/07/2023 19:03

He works away a lot

At least one in 3 women on this board has a husband that 'works away'. I don't get it and have never come across in real life. He's met another woman, guarantee it, while he's been working away. The argument is a convenient excuse to end it. However if your mother has been interfering and you haven't soundly put her right in her place, you can't blame someone for leaving. Sounds like you needed to go NC with your mother to save your marriage, but I think it's too late now.

sandyhappypeople · 16/07/2023 19:03

Why are you letting your mother ‘interfere’ in the way you raise your kids?

JenWillsiam · 16/07/2023 19:04

You haven’t listened to him.

Skye99 · 16/07/2023 19:06

Sending ((hugs))

Scienceadvisory · 16/07/2023 19:07

notsorighteousthesedays · 16/07/2023 18:50

Wow! That's truly pathetic of him. You are all adults, responsible for your own behaviour and no-one else. He sound like he finds family life too much effort and wants out - blaming it in you and your mum isn't the justification he thinks it is.
You will get through this and be better for it. Stay strong.xx

That's a massive reach. It is possible for women to be in the wrong sometimes. And even the OP calls her mum interfering so its hardly like the husband is making it up.

weirdoboelady · 16/07/2023 19:08

Oi! Quite a lot of you posters seem to be having a go at the OP rather than sending hugs as requested. What has happened has happened as far as interfering MIL, and I'm sure the OP will come up with some strategies for the future, whatever happens with DH.

OP, take lots of hugs, remember to be kind to yourself. The temptation will be to beat yourself up and rehash things - if you find yourself doing this, think about what you would tell a friend in the same situation, and ask yourself why you are being so hard on yourself.

There's been some great advice on here as well as nasty comments, so you can think about whether you want to make things work, or if not, what you would like as a best outcome. Use your friends, and MN is always here as a sounding board as well.

More hugs, and good luck whatever you decide.