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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My husband has walked out

217 replies

changingmyname143 · 16/07/2023 18:14

Half way through me making dinner. We have been having problems for a while - mostly about (my) overbearing mother. I am trying to hold it together for the children. He works away a lot so "daddy's gone to work" is a feasible line for them. I am just numb and in shock. There's no AIBU here I've just seen similar things posted with people sending virtual hugs. Which I need. I can't call any of my friends til the children are asleep because it's all I can do to hold together

OP posts:
JudgeJ · 16/07/2023 21:28

I wouldn't tolerate a family man working away. If he can't get a normal proper job I'd call it quits.

How pathetic! Either you are incredibly immature and neurotic or you have always picked poor men! Lots of men are away for work, armed forces for instance, and also nowadays more and more women are away too, not all of them are playing musical beds.

Wingingit11 · 16/07/2023 21:29

Op I’m so sorry. Even if you’re having problems to know you will be in a huge state of shock right now (mine walked out too but for more sinister reasons !). If you want to retain your relationship, when the kids are in bed, you need to get that message through and if you are, say you are sorry that you didn’t put boundaries in place with your mum. In the meantime - minute by minute, hour by hour, just put one foot in front of the other. Sending you a virtual hug

raisedbygrizzlies · 16/07/2023 21:31

changingmyname143 · 16/07/2023 18:28

My mum interferes with the way we bring up the children rather than our relationship. It's caused tension but I didn't think this bad. We have had heated conversations with mum in the past but essentially she backs off for a bit then comes back.

I'm so sorry for you and massive hugs. Your Mum needs to get in the bin though, she has no right to interfere at all unless there are genuine safeguarding issues ( which I doubt). Let things calm down - if you can afford to see a relationship counsellor please do - a neutral party really helps take the heat out of it.

SowingTheSeedsOfLove · 16/07/2023 21:35

Having read some of this thread, my experience is sometimes partners make low key indication they are not happy with situation and it is ignored as minor gripes.
A regular sit down and weekly discussion of how life is going can avoid it turning into something out of control.

Men sometimes bottle up things and like a shaken up fizzy drink it explodes after being seen as minor and disregarded for long time.

Hopefully relatives butt out and communication helps move things forward.

ultimatepushyparent · 16/07/2023 21:36

Awww you poor thing. What a horrible shock. Big hugs. Phone a friend when the children are in bed. If you want to stay with your husband (you haven't said) then message him and tell him you love him, you're shocked he's walked out and that you really want to work this out together.

justasking111 · 16/07/2023 21:58

I'm sorry @changingmyname143 hopefully friends rally round this evening

momonpurpose · 16/07/2023 22:02

If you want to save your marriage you need firm boundaries with your mother. If you can't save your marriage then you need to make firm boundaries anyway or she will ruin any relationship you have. I speak from experience. I was the 3rd woman to leave my ex over his mother...

Mumuser124 · 16/07/2023 22:04

How does her inerfering materialise, does it affect your husband?

Do you think this could just be an excuse?

gemstoneju · 16/07/2023 22:10

Your husband also walked out on his children without any explanation, which could have been frightening for them. Not a good way to treat your kids, no matter how irritating he finds his MIL. As other posters have said, a mother just walking out without saying goodbye would be crucified, but good old double standards huh.

User1789 · 16/07/2023 22:10

OhComeOnFFS · 16/07/2023 19:38

I would phone my mum in that situation and tell her that her behaviour had cost me my marriage.

That might be why you aren't in this situation.

OP hasn't come back, hopefully because she is doing just as you have suggested, but I doubt it.

My in laws' behaviour, and my DH's failure to give enough of a shit about it, led to some spectacularly expensive couples therapy after I decided to go v low contact and my DH had a near breakdown. Like so expensive, there is work that still hasn't been done on their grandchild's home. And yes, I resent them for it.

But we are still together as I took action before ending up doing what the OP's husband has done.

People on this thread are criticising him for not 'behaving like an adult' and not 'thinking of the children', but if my DH had spoken to me in the way my in laws spoke to me then my family and friends would have thrown me a divorce party if I had decided to leave him. But there is very little support for spouses who have reached breaking point over their in laws behaviour despite the complete devastation it can wreck on a marriage.

Yes the couple need to take some responsibility for how they have handled the situation, it is not a situation that would have occurred at all, if it wasn't for the in laws' behaviour in the first place.

Spectre8 · 16/07/2023 22:33

Why are some posters derailing this thread by having an uneccessary debate about men working away from home for a jo, start another thread id you want to have that debate, how is that helping OP...other than she will have to wade through your selfish posts cos you can't go debate elsewhere. She didn't start the thread asking aibu my husband works away from home...

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 16/07/2023 22:35

BathroomOnTheRight · 16/07/2023 19:18

I wouldn't tolerate a family man working away. If he can't get a normal proper job I'd call it quits. There seems to be a mass epidemic of women on here who have husbands/partners who work away. Most of the time on here, surprise surprise (or not surprise to me) it turns out he was leading two lives. It's bizarre to me. I wouldn't tolerate it and I cannot think of many jobs where it would be legitimately needed to work away except perhaps army/navy, even then I think those jobs aren't conducive to family life so should really only be for single people.

And what exactly is a ‘ normal proper job?’ @BathroomOnTheRight

If you’re part of the offshore industry majority of the men work away 3 or 4 weeks at a time. My DH worked away for 2 years Sunday night to Friday afternoon covering majority or Scotland depending on where he was needed as an engineer.

Oddsockday · 16/07/2023 22:38

@BathroomOnTheRight you sound like an utter judgemental twat.
I really couldn't put that anymore politely

Hotflushesinthesunfun · 16/07/2023 22:39

Wow, OP posted asking for hugs so she could hold it together til the kids go to bed. Look what she’s got instead. How to kick a woman when she’s down.
She will be well aware of the MIL issue and the need to work through it, she doesn’t need pages of posters telling her it’s all her own fault, or making up stories of what her dh might be up to, she needs support and a handhold.

OP I actually hope you’ve hidden this thread but if you are still here I’m sending hugs.I hope the dc are now asleep and you have support with you. No advice from me, that’s not what you need tonight.

BathroomOnTheRight · 16/07/2023 22:41

Oddsockday · 16/07/2023 22:38

@BathroomOnTheRight you sound like an utter judgemental twat.
I really couldn't put that anymore politely

Right back at you. DFOD.

ZebraD · 16/07/2023 22:47

My now ex husband did that to me. I was devastated. He came back. Told him if he did it again it’s over. He did it again. It was over.
No devastation on my part second time.
take it easy and try your best not to worry. He will be back - but will you want him by then?!
does someone who does that love you? Are you worth more?

Rabbitsandgerbils · 16/07/2023 22:52

So sorry @changingmyname143 this sounds a very difficult situation but well done for putting your kids first.

A book which really helped me with my interfering parents was Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab. Maybe download the ebook and have a read if you can’t sleep tonight.

🤗Otherwise here’s a virtual hug, wine, flowers, chocolate the works…🌷

best of luck xx

Cornchip · 16/07/2023 22:53

BathroomOnTheRight · 16/07/2023 22:41

Right back at you. DFOD.

You are being one though.

How are you so naive to realise that not every single job is a nice little 9-5 Monday to Friday job?

In certain industries, working away is the norm. In other industries, working shifts is the norm. Some jobs involve working night shifts. Others involve working weekends.

The OP hasn’t came on here to complain about her husband working away, so I don’t understand why you think it’s particularly relevant to bring up when OP hasn’t. If OP brings it up later down the thread, that’s fine. People can add in their commentary then. But until OP does, you really do need to stop being so judgemental.

The economy is a tough one at the minute. Many people are having to compromise on what their “ideal” job would be. Some of us don’t get to pick and choose.

But sure, go ahead. I can’t wait to see your plan for only “single” people to be in the armed forces or working off shore. Should pilots be single too? How would you ever get to go on holiday? And what about doctors and nurses? Their hours aren’t overly family friendly- should all doctors and nurses retire as soon as they meet a partner?

You’re delusional.

BathroomOnTheRight · 16/07/2023 23:02

Cornchip · 16/07/2023 22:53

You are being one though.

How are you so naive to realise that not every single job is a nice little 9-5 Monday to Friday job?

In certain industries, working away is the norm. In other industries, working shifts is the norm. Some jobs involve working night shifts. Others involve working weekends.

The OP hasn’t came on here to complain about her husband working away, so I don’t understand why you think it’s particularly relevant to bring up when OP hasn’t. If OP brings it up later down the thread, that’s fine. People can add in their commentary then. But until OP does, you really do need to stop being so judgemental.

The economy is a tough one at the minute. Many people are having to compromise on what their “ideal” job would be. Some of us don’t get to pick and choose.

But sure, go ahead. I can’t wait to see your plan for only “single” people to be in the armed forces or working off shore. Should pilots be single too? How would you ever get to go on holiday? And what about doctors and nurses? Their hours aren’t overly family friendly- should all doctors and nurses retire as soon as they meet a partner?

You’re delusional.

Of course not every job is 9-5. However there is a difference between long hours, shifts and what have you, and working away for weeks at a time which imo takes the piss and is just a way to out out of family responsibilities. So excuse me for wanting my family unit (speaking in general now) to live as an actual family unit, and not split up. I think when you settle down with a family that's it, you live as a family unit and get a job that enables that. I didn't have children to raise as a part-time single parent while my husband is 'offshore' or 'away' somewhere, and if he couldn't be an equal husband and father our marriage would be over. I would never accept a husband that worked away. Never. He's not a single man anymore. I expect my husband to be there at nights and mornings. As a family unit. So sue me for having a different outlook of what family life looks like. I have a firm and unwielding view of this, formed by friends and people on this site, and it's my opinion. Now I won't reply anymore as I don't want to derail OP's thread, she clearly has enough going on.

fghj149 · 16/07/2023 23:09

Hand hold OP ❤️ my husband has also walked out today after blowing a tiny argument out of proportion once again. It’s not the first time either. Trying to work out whether this is worth it any more.
don’t know what to say but hugs from me xxxx

Thepeopleversuswork · 16/07/2023 23:47

I'm very sorry OP and have a handhold from me. It's an awful time and whatever happens with your husband and your mum you will be OK. And put the gormless rants about working away from home to one side: these people should know better.

Hugs to you OP, whatever is happening, it shall pass.

swg1 · 17/07/2023 00:03

BathroomOnTheRight · 16/07/2023 19:03

He works away a lot

At least one in 3 women on this board has a husband that 'works away'. I don't get it and have never come across in real life. He's met another woman, guarantee it, while he's been working away. The argument is a convenient excuse to end it. However if your mother has been interfering and you haven't soundly put her right in her place, you can't blame someone for leaving. Sounds like you needed to go NC with your mother to save your marriage, but I think it's too late now.

That's more a sign of your economic status than real life. Plenty of people work away. You've got the long distance lorry drivers and the offshore rig workers and you also get people who do building work who frequently travel to wherever the site is. I used to have to travel to London regularly for work and knew that if I got the train there or back at certain points on Mondays or Fridays it would be full of guys who only lived there during the week.

JFDIYOLO · 17/07/2023 00:07

A lot of readers aren't going to like this but here goes:

There are some jaw dropping accounts here about the behaviour of mothers and mothers in law.

We often hear about 'women with a DH problem', ie when husbands fail to stand up to their mothers.

This may be a man with a DW problem.

Do you side with your mum against him?

Do you just stay quiet instead of speaking up and leave him to be the bad guy?

Does he feel ganged up on? No say in how his children are brought up?

You, your husband and children are a unit. Everyone else is outside the bubble, and having someone encroach in on those boundaries can be very difficult.

If she is an ever present interferer, this never works well.

I think there's a lot more going on here and this is the last straw - it may be that he's had it up to here and is desperate.

My brother finally left when his daughters were grown up after years of interference from MIL and his wife totally sidelining his wishes and needs.

You don't describe him, your marriage etc so no way if knowing if he's worth keeping. Is he a good husband, father, lover? Is he kind, respectful, your soulmate, your friend? Basically - do you want him back? If yes, he's told you he can't do this any more, so 'this' has to change.

Whether he's come home or not, you need urgent talks. Calm, controlled adult conversation. You need a united front, shoulder to shoulder, agreeing your policy and attitude to your mum. And stick to it.

Cornchip · 17/07/2023 00:08

BathroomOnTheRight · 16/07/2023 23:02

Of course not every job is 9-5. However there is a difference between long hours, shifts and what have you, and working away for weeks at a time which imo takes the piss and is just a way to out out of family responsibilities. So excuse me for wanting my family unit (speaking in general now) to live as an actual family unit, and not split up. I think when you settle down with a family that's it, you live as a family unit and get a job that enables that. I didn't have children to raise as a part-time single parent while my husband is 'offshore' or 'away' somewhere, and if he couldn't be an equal husband and father our marriage would be over. I would never accept a husband that worked away. Never. He's not a single man anymore. I expect my husband to be there at nights and mornings. As a family unit. So sue me for having a different outlook of what family life looks like. I have a firm and unwielding view of this, formed by friends and people on this site, and it's my opinion. Now I won't reply anymore as I don't want to derail OP's thread, she clearly has enough going on.

Yes, she does have enough going on. She really didn’t need you to have a second recital of how her marriage to her husband is essentially so shit because of his job.

You really don’t know how to read a room, do you?

swg1 · 17/07/2023 00:12

BathroomOnTheRight · 16/07/2023 19:50

Where I am they travel to these places, they aren't stupid hours/days away from home so they, like any other worker, drive to and from work. People close to power stations etc... work at the power station. They don't travel hours/days and stay there.

There's entire caravan sites full of workers around Sellafield that say otherwise. Cheap way to live - they buy an old static and live and work there during the week and travel back on weekends. I suspect because of the lack of jobs locally that aren't related to Sellafield.

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