My husband has walked out

[changingmyname143]

Half way through me making dinner. We have been having problems for a while - mostly about (my) overbearing mother. I am trying to hold it together for the children. He works away a lot so "daddy's gone to work" is a feasible line for them. I am just numb and in shock. There's no AIBU here I've just seen similar things posted with people sending virtual hugs. Which I need. I can't call any of my friends til the children are asleep because it's all I can do to hold together

Not necessarily, people can have snap points.

We don't know the background to this aside from a few details but hopefully things will calm down a bit tonight.

How about oil rig workers

usually young men, not married men with families.

Obviously it's ridiculous of him to just up and leave with no discussion about what's happening with the children, finances, where he will be etc. I'd probably give him a week before attempting contact with questions about what specifics will need negotiating going forward.

You can also put aside all of the documents you need for divorce and ensure you both have enough money available for the next year or so before you can agree finances

Agree completely - its hard enough raising kids as a couple plus work, paying the mortgage, bills, trying to maintain friendships and see family. Throw in an interfering Mother who has caused enough problems for it to end in heated rows (which must mean its a serious level of interfering), and you can fully understand why one parent has been pushed to the limit.

If this is the only issue in the relationship, I hope he comes back and you can work it out. You need to be a team together.

Are you willing to go NC or at least LC with your mum in order to save your marriage?

What about just normal contact and no interfering in the marriage and with the DC.

What nonsense. My dad worked on the rigs. I’ve met loads of the guys he worked rigs with…. And their kids and wives.

Lucky you, that all those jobs are on your doorstep but how do you know there aren't any contractors on site? Your local workers might not all have the required skills. Unless you've canvassed every worker, then you can't say that there are no workers from other areas there or not!

I'd say at least 3/4 of the UK people on site in London that I work with travel weekly to work on site, and the vast, vast majority are middle aged men (30s, 40s, 50s). Their wives are living in properties that are, or close to being, mortgage free in cheaper parts of the country and the men tend to retire early. Not everyone wants to live in London or the home counties. If the construction projects were in their home parts of the world, they'd probably work there, but they aren't.

Can you blame him, you have had arguments over it , there is underlying tension that is ongoing and you're allowing your mother to fuck up your marriage. No wonder he has had enough cos clearly your not choosing him and putting him, your family and marriage first 🙄 probably got fed up of bot being heard enough and up and went. I would of done the same thing.

It looks like he’s fired a warning shot across your bow. Ie, I’ve shown you what I can do so sort it.

My exMIL was an absolute bitch. I’ve managed to never walk out on my kids, though. It’s hard to say without knowing what exactly has gone down between you all over the years - but if he works away a lot do you rely on your mum a lot to help with the children? Is that where the overstepping comes from? Does he have a choice not to always be working away from the family?

My mum always had something to say about my ex husband relating to the kids, and quite frankly she was right. He didn’t like when she made comments about his harsh punishments etc and I was not happy either and made that clear. He always turned it into me ‘following’ my mum’s stance, whereas it was mine and most peoples.

Thats me projecting my own experiences of course. Without more details, can offer virtual hugs and handholds for now. I’m so sorry OP, take care of yourself and your kids.

You took your eye off the ball and your blind sided. I suspect he's told you many times that he's had enough of his MIL. I don't think he's left because of her. He's left because you keep promising to do something about it and haven't and you've probably complained to him about something your mum has said or done. You've ignored his feelings and aren't treating him as an equal parent and partner.
If you love him and want him back give him some space but let him know that you now see you've ignored his feelings and he's right and you're prepared to really make changes this time. If your mum gives childcare, this may cost in terms of money and time as well as personal relationships and emotions. Have a long think about what's most important for you. Do not ask him back unless you're 100% sure it's what you want. You're in shock atm so just arrange a time to talk for now.

I’m so sorry OP, rubbish thing to be experiencing. Hopefully he just needs a bit of time out. The grass always seems greener in the heat of the moment. Hope you can both work through it if you want to x

@scienceadvisory no bigger a reach than yours! An adult daughter is not responsible for her mother's behaviour, or her husband's.

There was no info on how/when/if she had ever, or repeatedly, tackled her mum so why are you assuming she didn't?

How you bring up your kids is nothing to do with your mother. Tell her to F right off stupid interfering old bat. They just want to control things and stick their nose in things that are none of their business. Believe me I know. It might seem like a shocking thing to do but cut her out of your life

You have absolutely no idea whatsoever what you're talking about! No idea at all, not a jot, nor an iota!
As I said in my first post on this thread, you're ignorant of what happens in other peoples lives!

As the saying goes, " Better to remain silent and thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt! "
Perhaps you should pay some mind to that and as the kids say these days, educate yourself!

I'm not the one who has no idea what I'm talking about. Consider yourself when making that statement about the fool.

Umm yes an adult daughter or son is responsible for their parent interfering in their relationship.

To your second part it the OP said it was addressed but the behavior backslid

OP, I had an interfering mother. Thankfully she lived a 24 hour plane ride away. Bless my DP, he put up with her even being domineering from that distance but then when she came for a visit and she bullied and tried to control how we are raising our child (and she was beyond rude to him) I saw the light and somehow got the strength to put boundaries. When she trampled all over those boundaries I went no contact. It's hard, really hard when you've been trained all your life to be obedient and unquestioning of your mother but if this relationship is important to you I think you need to find your strong voice and push back against your mum.

On the other hand, if you DON'T think she's being interfering and he's trying to control YOU and your contact with your family that's a different matter. You will know best in your situation.

Massive hugs. This is bloody hard.

This!

@saltinesandcoffeecups in what way are they responsible? If a grandparent (god forbid) abused a grandchild are they responsible for that too? Or if they were drink driving and had an accident? That is nonsense.

And OPs post said 'we' - so I assumed her and husband together - had previously raised issues with her mother - how.did you interpret it?

So because you don’t know of anyone who does it, you don’t think people actually work away from home? How incredibly narrow minded.

I know two in my own family. Anyone in events or construction go where the projects are, it seems to work quite well for some families! Doesn’t mean they have a second home ffs!

So, he gets to walk out while you struggle trying to hold it together. Sounds about right.

Because if my parent is creating a problem in my marriage it’s up to me to sort that out. If my DH’s parent is doing the same it’s his job to take care of it.

I don’t think your sexual abuse comparison holds up unless one of the parents knows it happening.

As for the addressing it part I was more or less agreeing with you that it had been addressed previously.