Struggling with DIL

[SadMil]

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

I remember that thread. I actually thought about it when I read this one but couldn't be bothered to go look for it. I remembered it because of the same ignorant comments about MH issues were said then too. Either the OP is genuine and still trying to find people to validate her by retelling the story. Or this is just another ableist thread.

I haven’t mentioned OP DIL’s mental health up to now, as I’m not sure it’s entirely relevant but the OP did say this in one of her updates:

(I think she has a bipolar diagnosis),

Fair enough @sandyhappypeople I must have missed that. Its still a far cry from the catogoric and hyperbolic statement assertion she is a 'seriously disabled' woman.
Its unfortunate because moving so far from the OPs account is only likely to be alienating, and deter the OP from considering perspectives she may have been open to, had they stuck to the situation as presented.

She offered it and the Dil git pregnant with in weeks. Poor ds is stuck in the middle.

Not sure that's accurate. OP didn't say the DIL got pregnant for the money. It sounds like the money was offered recently, well after the granddaughter was conceived and born! She's 13 months old now.

I hear you. Its a horrible illness. My children's father suffers from it. His life (and ours) has been very challenging at times.
I'm sorry about your friend. She was fortunate to have your support and understanding and I'm glad you have your fantastic memories.💐

I don't know if you have much experience of bipolar disorder, but ime it can be incredibly disabling, largely because of its fluctuating and unpredictable nature.

A treatment can be effective for a while, then quite suddenly ineffective, pitching people into a pit of the blackest despair and self-neglect, or into a mania where they behave totally irrationally, ruining relationships, finances, careers and it often leads to homelessness.

I don't think it's at all hyperbolic to regard it as seriously disabling.

"the money was offered early on in their relationship, shortly after her pregnancy was announced"

Which begs the question, if the money was 'offered' nearly 2 years ago, why hasn't it materialised? Maybe the son isn't surprised the offer has been rescinded seeing as it's never happened yet.

Oh god, I know exactly what you mean! Sometimes on here some posters seem to take up a weird personal crusade on behalf of one of the people being referred to in the OP (or the OP themselves) and just make up their own backstory to backup their 'arguments', which they can be quite vehement about it's quite frustrating and seemingly has no basis in reality half the time!

Yes. My children's father suffers from it. At times very poorly controlled.
Its not hyperbolic to describe someone seriously disabled by BPD as seriously disabled. It is hyperbolic to describe the DiL in this thread, someone who we are told MAY be depressed and MAY have had a BPD diagnosis as seriously disabled, as though it is a matter of fact that she is seriously ill with the condition, rather than merely of possibility and speculation.

My son and his partner of 12 years are separating. They have one child who is my only grandchild, 6. They live on the other side of the country and I time my visits to coincide with school holidays, to spend as much time with my grandchild as possible as well as helping out with childcare as there are no other family members nearby. DIL has recently unleashed a lot of anger ( I think connected to the breakdown of the relationship) in my direction, including the fact that she has never liked me. I genuinely thought we got on well and have a high opinion of her as a person and especially as a mum. I’m interested in hearing from people in any kind of similar situation and how they have handled it. My relationship with my son is good.

You might get a better response if you start your own thread, @MauveKoala , but who decided that you'd visit for all those school holidays? Was she an enthusiastic part of that or just your son? Could be that what you, and he, saw as lovely time with the grand kids she found stifling visits.
My experience is as the kid in that situation, rather than any of the adults, but it was a lot seeing grandparents who lived quite a way away every school hols. No-one was ever completely relaxed.

Thank you. I’ll try and do as you suggest re my own thread ( new to Mumsnet). Also thank you for your perspective as the child in the situation 😊

BPD is not Bipolar disorder.