Struggling with DIL

[SadMil]

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

I think I would be upset if someone that didn't like me and didn't like me being married to her son started announcing her intentions to give my daughter a huge lump sum at 18 without any consultation or discussion with me. It all seems rather ostentatiously a display of dominance.

It's not her dil business who she leaves her money to. Pay off university fees or put a deposit on a flat or travel the world. Why would you want to stop the next generation from getting a leg up?

I'm giving my next generation a leg up!

I think it’s fine not to give the money - it sounds like it was a hasty offer that wasn’t thought through.

but I am surprised that they are setting up a trust fund for this one baby. Who knows how many more grandchildren will come along - can OP afford to set up a £50k trust fund for each?

surely she would be best just holding the money and using it for the children’s benefit over the years. That removes the danger of it being frittered away by an immature teenager. Expenses may come up before 18 - a tutor if there are struggles at school. An expensive hobby and the grandparents would like to help out with. A car at 17. University fees.

man’s what if their son goes on the have five more children? With this partner or with another?

i don’t think a financial advisor would agree that a trust fund is the way to go in these circumstances.

Yes, so it IS conditional, and therefore wrong to offer it in the first place.

Don't get me wrong, I don't blame her for for not wanting to give her DIL that she doesn't get on with 50k, but my point is she shouldn't have offered it if it was only on the condition that the DIL 'behaves herself'. Anything could have happened in the years after the money was given, DIL or son could have an affair, DIL or Son could cut them out of their lives for any reason, she would be entitled to half of it in the event of a divorce either way, the life of a mortgage is 25-30 years, how many people stay married that long?

If the money was to put a stable roof over son and GC heads as she says then it shouldn't matter a jot if DIL is rude, that's not why the money was offered. I'm pretty sure there will be legal ways to protect that money, or alternatives, but OP isn't interesting in exploring options, she's flounced and rescinded the offer 'because she can'. If I was her son I'd be quite upset by the whole thing, it's not actually his fault or GC fault, they're very much being punished for this. The offer has very much been rescinded to show DIL who's in charge.. but to what end? I'd hazard a guess that she's hoping to cause a rift between them.

Ultimately who the son is with is his decision to make, basically the mother is saying if she doesn't approve of them, then she won't give him the money, that IS controlling, she's fundamentally saying she's got 50k to give him, but while he's with DIL and DIL is acting 'rude' to them he can't have it. It's disgusting.

IT SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN OFFERED!

Yes @TheBlinkOfAnEye I think your points are fair. Hopefully the posters full of anger will, like you, also mellow a little and realise there is a mid point between passive and aggressive which is where true assertiveness lies.

Op - who knows whether she means to block you out or be unkind to you. Who knows whether you don’t approve and have let it show on your face.
What matters now is how you move forward from this. Deep breath, try and think clearly. You want a relationship with your DIL, which will mean more/easier access to your grandchild, which looks like it may take a bit of work. I think it might be time to go directly to her, tell her that, say you want to include and be included by her. Be gentle and prepared to forgive/overlook behaviour.
IF that’s what you want. I think you do, as you wouldn’t be ‘sadmil’ otherwise.

The big picture is having a happy family. It’s worth trying. None of us here know the subtleties of your relationship with her and your son so we would be all speculating who’s in the wrong. In any case it nearly doesn’t matter. Try and reframe things and move things on from here. You may end up fond of her in time to come.

A woman holding a large sum over my daughter's head all her life when she doesn't like me seems intended to distress me by coming between us.

Well, yes. This isn't a point that occurred to me before. The poster who responded that it would be none of a DiL's business if someone gave a monetary gift to their adult child has a point, too.

The issue here is that OP has already proved the 'gift' is conditional. It might well be withdrawn if said grandchild doesn't kiss up to them enough. There is now, after all, a precedent for that behaviour. DGC won't be a cute baby forever. What happens when she's 15 and being cheeky? When she grows to adulthood and develops a mind and opinions of her own?

We've seen upthread how OP responds to opinions she doesn't happen to like. Her DiL has seen so through her recent actions, too.

On reflection, I agree with the poster who originally raised this point. It's manipulative, and appears calculated to cause issues in that marriage. The money is OP's to do as she wants with - as I'm sure she would protest - but surely if that reasoning is applied then DiL is at liberty to decline it.

At present, it is her business. Because she is the child's mother. And if I have sympathy with OP's son - which I do - it's not only because of the difficulty his wife's illness will invariably cause them, but because his own parents are putting him in an untenable position.

Poor bloke!

I was the poster who wrote multiple so I do think I know what I was thinking when I wrote it, read what you’re responding to properly darling xxxx

Its not making it up when we can all see on this thread you’ve had arguments with multiple posters.

I’ve not had posts delete either, wowie what an achievement for us both.

Aren't you the poster who goaded and harassed OP all day yesterday? Yes, the person who said good manners were old fashioned.

Patronising much?! Who put you in charge?

Do you think you could be so good as to stop derailing this thread with your incessant spats with other posters? Not least the frequent digressions into their posting history, trailing them on this and other threads to ‘prove’ whatever petty point you’re trying to make.

No one cares.

It’s also long ago passed the point of being tedious beyond belief for others to read. The PP above was quite right about how this is making you come across.

Times like this I wish this site had a block feature!

No I won't. You'll see all those posters have come after me because I so dared to disagree or point out that they were blatantly just making stuff up. I am allowed to defend myself. I notice you didn't say anything to all the ones who are also 'derailing' the thread. Why is that?

I'm fairly new to MN and I'm absolutely stunned that people who don't agree with someone would actually find the time to trawl through their posting history to weaponise it against them. I'm also pretty stunned that the OP has screenshot PPs posts on other threads. Is it always like this?
Christ, it's like being back at school.

To the OP, having RTFT, I am struggling to find sympathy with you now given your actions in withdrawing the offer of financial support and your general attitude towards your DIL (and select posters who don't agree with you). Unfortunately, I have absolutely no relationship with my MIL, or any of my ILs because they have made their disapproval of me plain and can't keep their mouths shut/attitudes appropriate when my DC are around. Very sadly, this now means that my 3 DC have no relationship with them either.
I'm sad for my youngest DC, but my older two have made their own minds up based on my MILs previous behaviours. It has caused problems in my marriage previously, but ultimately my DH can also see the issues MIL has brought and he has chosen to minimise his contact with her too. Sad all-round.
You might want to think about what is more important, being "right", or being part of your GCs life.

I'm fairly new to MN and I'm absolutely stunned that people who don't agree with someone would actually find the time to trawl through their posting history to weaponise it against them. I'm also pretty stunned that the OP has screenshot PPs posts on other threads. Is it always like this?

No it's not and it's against MN guidelines. Generally people play fair on threads but this one has descended into a bun fight.

So why is it a feature then? What's it for if...not to advance search? It actually doesn't take any time at all, it's very quick to use if you know how to use it.

It's to search up subjects that might be useful, not to trawl for posters' previous comments on old threads to use against them.

I'm fairly new to MN and I'm absolutely stunned that people who don't agree with someone would actually find the time to trawl through their posting history to weaponise it against them. I'm also pretty stunned that the OP has screenshot PPs posts on other threads. Is it always like this?

No, but it is sometimes. I've been 'trailed' by someone whom I suspect was an incel, who resented my speaking openly about abuse at the hands of men, interpreted that as misandry, and took to following me around the site from thread to thread. It was irritating, tiresome, and boring: for myself and others. It's also against site guidelines.

MN cottoned onto this and banned that poster from the site.

I've been here a goodly while, and whilst this hasn't been an isolated experience neither is it common.

Christ, it's like being back at school.

Isn't it just, but this thread's one of the more extreme examples I've witnessed of late. Opinions differ, but there are a fair number of posters who accuse those not in agreement with them of being 'unhinged'.

IMO, there are only a few isolated examples of that behaviour, and they're the ones you quote above.

Thank you @Inkpotlover - and FWIW I think your points have been very valid on this thread.

Maybe I'm thick but I don't know how to trawl through people's posting history @Olive19741205 nor would I have the time to. This post resonated with me as I have been the DIL in this situation, hence I have invested in in reading the thread but I'm buggered if I have the time to go on some sort of investigatory mission for the purposes of oneupmanship. It's really childish and I'm not sure why you're so heavily invested unless you're the OP.

Yet the people who you're scolding me for defending myself against called me unhinged because they didn't agree with me... but that's ok eh? The hypocrisy on this site is astounding.

God that sounds awful @SerafinasGoose - I'm glad the poster was banned. I really enjoy reading other people's perspectives because it challenges my own belief system and makes me far more insightful into my own biases but bloody hell this thread has been bonkers to read.

Yes, you don't have to say that you don't get on with your in laws, it's really very obvious. The posters who have come after OP and almost bullied her, clearly are projecting.

Hello everyone,

We just wanted to remind you that Mumsnet primary aim is to make parents' lives easier. And while we encourage healthy and robust discussion, we hope that everyone can respect each other in their choices and express their views without resorting to personal attacks and/or derailing the thread. Those who continue to do this may have their accounts suspended - something we would rather avoid.

Peace and love
MNHQ