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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DIL is really miserable

252 replies

UppityDIL · 10/09/2022 16:32

DIL has a few mental health issues and takes numerous medication. She sometimes appears very quiet and vacant, I understand this is probably the side effects of her medication.

DH and I are always friendly and ask her if she’s ok, try and make polite conversation etc. Last week they visited and she was particularly ‘off’. I asked if she was ok and she just glanced and muttered something then looked away. She spent the rest of the visit silent.

On the phone later I said to my son, if she doesn’t feel like she wants to engage in conversation that’s fine, but it makes me uncomfortable that she just sits there silently. Maybe she shouldn’t visit if she doesn’t want to engage in conversation and hopefully we can see her when she’s feeling a bit better.

We have tried to support her but she won’t discuss anything with us, which of course is her choice, but makes it harder for us to understand and support her.

Today we were at a family function and she blanked both DH and I. We tried to make conversation and she just looked at us like something she’d trodden in and ignored us.

DH said to DS why is she so rude to us? And he said because she felt we should apologise for suggesting she shouldn’t visit if she’s going to sit there in silence.

im not sure who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Badgirlriri · 10/09/2022 16:35

YANBU. She sounds like a stroppy teenager sadly. Surely she should appreciate your suggestion of being able to miss a visit if she isn’t feeling up to it?

Threelittlelambs · 10/09/2022 16:39

Maybe she wanted to get out of the house for a bit? How would you have reacted if this was your son instead of DIL and asked him to stay away because his illness made you feel bad? How much worse do you think she feels now?

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 10/09/2022 16:42

If she’s Ill I think you’re being a big shitty. So sorry her illness makes you uncomfortable

girlmom21 · 10/09/2022 16:42

She needs to grow up. You said she shouldn't visit if she's going to make you feel uncomfortable in your own home. You said it to your son. You've done nothing wrong. You haven't slated or berated her.

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 10/09/2022 16:43

Badgirlriri · 10/09/2022 16:35

YANBU. She sounds like a stroppy teenager sadly. Surely she should appreciate your suggestion of being able to miss a visit if she isn’t feeling up to it?

Good god she’s Ill and receiving medical help. Have we not moved on from this attitude about mental illness ???

Hoppinggreen · 10/09/2022 16:44

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 10/09/2022 16:42

If she’s Ill I think you’re being a big shitty. So sorry her illness makes you uncomfortable

I didn’t read it like this.
I read it that OP was saying the DIL shouldn’t feel obligated to come if it was easier for her

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 10/09/2022 16:44

You said she shouldn’t come to your house when she is mentally unwell. You made her mental illness about you and excluded her because she is unwell. No wonder she blanked you.

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 10/09/2022 16:45

Hoppinggreen · 10/09/2022 16:44

I didn’t read it like this.
I read it that OP was saying the DIL shouldn’t feel obligated to come if it was easier for her

Show quote history

She even said in her op it makes her uncomfortable and that’s why she asked!

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 10/09/2022 16:46

On the phone later I said to my son, if she doesn’t feel like she wants to engage in conversation that’s fine, but it makes me uncomfortable that she just sits there silently. Maybe she shouldn’t visit if she doesn’t want to engage in conversation and hopefully we can see her when she’s feeling a bit better.

this is awful I can’t believe you said that about her.

Wombat19 · 10/09/2022 16:46

Blimey, that's so nasty of you. I would never darken your door again. Very unkind bordering on heartless.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to socialise with mh issues?

You might want to look at why it's uncomfortable for you?

Sunnyqueen · 10/09/2022 16:47

It depends how ill she is op. If she's in the depths of an episode she may not actually be capable of conforming to societal norms or thinking straight normally about things in anyway. It's a very strange thing mental illness.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 10/09/2022 16:47

You sound awful! She's obviously struggling. Maybe she needs to be around her husband even if he goes to visit you, maybe visiting you is pushing her to leave the house and go somewhere she should feel at ease and not judged

jerkchicken · 10/09/2022 16:48

You are VERY unreasonable. Your username is vile as well, and says a lot about you - I don’t blame her for blanking you one bit.

BatshitBanshee · 10/09/2022 16:48

If she was in pain with an illness you could see physically there'd be more sympathy and understanding... But because it's a mental health issue most people say it's all in that person's head and how it makes them uncomfortable.

Yes YABU to say that to your son.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 10/09/2022 16:49

jerkchicken · 10/09/2022 16:48

You are VERY unreasonable. Your username is vile as well, and says a lot about you - I don’t blame her for blanking you one bit.

I didn't spot the username. Vile

Ihaveanoldiphone · 10/09/2022 16:50

Did she tell you about her ‘mental health issues’ and ‘numerous medications’ herself or has ds been telling you. Anyway she could be silent for all sorts of reasons that you probably haven’t been told, heck maybe you’re the reason she’s withdrawn. in my culture it is very typical for mils to say a dil is ‘depressed’ when she probably has justifiable grievances. Not saying this is the case here but just a thought.

Sunnyqueen · 10/09/2022 16:51

Omg I've just noticed your username. No point in trying to reason with you is there, just do her a favour and leave her alone. You are clearly far too ignorant and judgemental to be of any use to anyone with a mental illness. Hopefully your son is better is in better despite being raised by you.

Moltenpink · 10/09/2022 16:51

I wouldn’t be surprised if you asking if she was ok made her even more self conscious about being quiet, and she clammed up even more

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 10/09/2022 16:51

girlmom21 · 10/09/2022 16:42

She needs to grow up. You said she shouldn't visit if she's going to make you feel uncomfortable in your own home. You said it to your son. You've done nothing wrong. You haven't slated or berated her.

'She needs to grow up' WTAF?!

Heyisforhorses · 10/09/2022 16:52

She's not well. When she visits you carry on talking, including her but maybe not asking and looking for responses but don't exclude her. Explain what you meant and apologise for hurting her, don't say you were uncomfortable because this isn't about you. She has heard what you said and who knows what her head is telling her what you meant so you need to speak to her before it becomes unrepairable between you, her and your DS.

NoWordForFluffy · 10/09/2022 16:52

Wombat19 · 10/09/2022 16:46

Blimey, that's so nasty of you. I would never darken your door again. Very unkind bordering on heartless.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to socialise with mh issues?

You might want to look at why it's uncomfortable for you?

You only have to look at the OP's name to see exactly what she thinks. Nasty.

girlmom21 · 10/09/2022 16:53

'She needs to grow up' WTAF?!

Giving them the silent treatment at a family event because they haven't apologised for something she's taken offence to that she's heard second hand? Yeah she needs to grow up.

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 10/09/2022 16:54

girlmom21 · 10/09/2022 16:53

'She needs to grow up' WTAF?!

Giving them the silent treatment at a family event because they haven't apologised for something she's taken offence to that she's heard second hand? Yeah she needs to grow up.

She should give them the silent treatment and go no contact the ops behaviour is appalling.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 10/09/2022 16:55

girlmom21 · 10/09/2022 16:53

'She needs to grow up' WTAF?!

Giving them the silent treatment at a family event because they haven't apologised for something she's taken offence to that she's heard second hand? Yeah she needs to grow up.

Well that's the OPs version. She's suffering with MH issues which she needs to recover from. Nothing to do with being immature

Norriscolesbag · 10/09/2022 16:55

She has ‘mental health issues’ OP… unfortunately for you this gives her the right to be as rude as she likes and everyone else’s feelings/ mental health mean jack shit in comparison. Catch up 😂

I don’t doubt many people suffer genuinely with mental health by the way. But it shouldn’t be an excuse to be selfish or rude.