Struggling with DIL

[SadMil]

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

👏👏👏

Unfortunately, if the rot sets in any further OP is the one with most to lose. DiL is the mother of her grandchild. That's simply the way it is.

Why is the OP the one with most to lose? What you wrote here is telling. The one missing out the most is the grandchild. The OP has a busy life and other children. What exactly is she losing out on?

Well, maybe they are projecting @Olive19741205 - but isn't that what we all do? We give advice based upon our own experiences and moral standpoint. The beauty of it is that it's so rich and varied from person to person - and we can learn so much about ourselves from it. Surely that's the whole point of the OP asking for advice/support?

I do agree there's been bullying, and you yourself haven't been particularly nice to those who haven't agreed with your position. No, I don't get on with my ILs for much the same reason that the OPs DIL seems to have experienced; I'm seen as not good enough for DH and my MH (I have CPTSD) is minimised and misunderstood. It would be great if the OP could take some learning from other's experiences on the thread and protect her relationship with her GC.

Assuming MiL wants a relationship with her DGC, which I'm assuming she does or she wouldn't have posted this thread, then she's losing out on that relationship if she continues to alienate her DS and his partner.

A wonderful, loving relationship with a grandparent is a hugely beneficial addition to any child's life, but unfortunately not all relationships pan out that way. There are some instances in which watching Granny and Mummy perpetually be nasty to each other - regardless of which side the blame lies - might well not be in the children's best interests.

That my DC has little in the way of relationships with grandparents is a source of deep regret to me, as my maternal granny and grandfather enriched my life in ways I can't even begin to describe.

I was lucky. Not all children are as fortunate. Three of DC's grandparents are already dead. Not much any parent can do in that particular scenario than accept the hand we've been dealt.

But I do take on board your point. I suppose it's more accurate to say that in these situations, everybody loses.

"A wonderful, loving relationship with a grandparent is a hugely beneficial addition to any child's life, but unfortunately not all relationships pan out that way. There are some instances in which watching Granny and Mummy perpetually be nasty to each other - regardless of which side the blame lies - might well not be in the children's best interests.

But I do take on board your point. I suppose it's more accurate to say that in these situations, everybody loses."

This x 10000000

Perfectly said @SerafinasGoose

Yes @SerafinasGoose agree that everyone in this situation loses. The son and dil have lost out on a house deposit, the OP will lose closeness to her son, the child will lose out on a relationship with OP and her husband who sound lovely, the gift OP's husband made sounds so thoughtful. BUT that will only happen if the adults put their dislike for each other over what's best for that child. Hopefully, both the DIL and OP are big enough to not do that. It would be very sad if either of them did. I have met MILS, DILS, FILS and SILS who act like dickheads for no other reason apart from jealousy. That's why I will not join in with the attack on OP. Good on her I say. Never let anyone hold you to ransom, especially where children are concerned, that way madness lies.

I would say nothing about gifting them money. If they bring it up just say circumstances have changed. Chances are this relationship may not last and putting it in trust is probably not advised either. Most trust accounts are operated by the parents or the child may have access at a very young age.

I would keep the door open for contact. Invite them over or offer babysitting but focus on other things in your life. She sounds difficult so the relationship may never be what you want.

Of course the offer of money was conditional. There isn't such a thing as a truly unconditional offer of £50k.
If one of them develops a gambling habit or drug addiction? If one or the other starts an affair and you suspect they'll spilt up? If the partner proves to be controlling or abusive? You should give them the money anyway because you offered?
People may not agree that the DiLs behaviour warrants withdrawal of the gift, but that's neither here nor there, as its the OPs money and her decision.
No one with any sense gives away £50k with zero expectations. The OPs condition (that her DiL isnt rude to her) is simply one that some other people who presumably aren't dealing with a rude DiL, claim they would not apply.
If people want to reserve their right to behave exactly as they choose, the price to pay may be the loss of a chunk of free money. Which seems fair to me.

@SadMil you’ve said she has mental health problems and possibly bipolar and your son has said they don’t wish to discuss it with you. This is absolutely fair enough.

Maybe try and see it how hard she tried? You booked and paid for tickets to a pantomime. Maybe she absolutely didn’t want to go in the first place or on the day. But she forced herself to go to do the family thing, was overwhelmed and the only way to cope was to hide under her coat and scroll on her phone. Would you have preferred this or her not going or her leaving and going home?

You are still fixated she didn’t refuse the tea just didn’t drink it!

Also it’s not her responsibility to thank you for the present as a female, it’s your sons.

My sil was likes this for year. Her and my bro are now separated.

She was very hard to be around.

My bro's no Angel and I would be driven mad by him but she was unreasonable at times.

Good post

Look at this thread Mother in law issues - help!! http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4851036-mother-in-law-issues-help

They don't have a baby but this could have been your DIL writing about you except it's cake not tea!' See the other sides perspectives

Why FT would you gift money to someone who's actively rude to you? I wouldn't give her the steam of my piss. Sounds like the relationship won't last anyway. Trust fund for grandchild is an excellent idea.

Why drip feed?? So annoying.
There are 9 years difference between you. NINE years. We could have done with this info at the start because that changes the whole dynamic.
You're MiL and DiL but you're not old enough to be her mother. Your age difference means you could as easily be SiLs so I can totally understand how this makes the relationship a little more complex.

@ANiceBigCupOfTea Why do you think that the age difference makes so much difference?

Maybe because they are basically peers? DIL is never going to see her as a parent figure. I can't imagine seeing someone as a mother figure when they are only 9 years older than me. Friend, sister, equal maybe, but I can't relate to them the same way I would if they were actually a generation older.

What @theblinkofaneye said really.

I think you really need to talk to your son. Explain that you very much want a positive relationship and are very confused as to what you may have done to offend her. Your son almost certainly knows what her issue is and thinks he is keeping the peace by not telling you. He needs to understand how upset you are and needs to step in to help resolve this. She is behaving awfully and is obviously very rude but I think you need to approach this calmly and I the spirit of resolving this, otherwise she will be able to turn this back on you!!

I wasn’t sure it made much difference as OP never said she wanted DIL to relate to her as a parent figure, just to be a bit warmer and polite. I only have SILs and we have a more normal age gap but I just want to be friendly not seen as a parent figure to them. I met them as adults.

She is behaving like she wants to be a parent figure though, with giving the money for a house deposit (which she isn't anymore). I'd be very uncomfortable with someone a similar age gifting me that in parent style. It tells me they are doing better than I did at my age and it must feel uncomfortable to have someone 9 years older being so parental.

I do think DIL is being a bit rude at times but aren't going to fault her for the gift thanks (son can handle that, he didn't acknowledge it either) or even the phone at the pantomime, in light of her condition. My DD sometimes uses her phone to cope with situations that overwhelm her (also has a condition) and maybe it sometimes does come across as rude, but I understand it's how she escapes and copes. Maybe it should be enough she made the effort to be there?

There's 34 years between me and my MIL. I just can't imagine that being someone with a 9 year difference and relating to them the same way. I'm not sure I could do that. Be my friend, sure.

DiL isn't the DiL OP wanted. She's older than DS, has a serious mental illness, and her motives for their decision to have a child have been openly questioned by OP on this thread in the most personal terms possible.

DiL is clearly not conversing with her PiLs any more than she absolutely has to. They are not in her confidence, as is her wish and her right. It's quite likely each side interprets the behaviour of the other as rude.

Neither Son nor Wife offered their thanks for the gift, but it's only Wife with whom her FiL has now decided to go full NC. Bit of an extreme reaction for a lapse in manners for which she isn't the only one at fault, and which, whilst thoughtless and annoying, hardly falls into the category of unforgivable.

I think OP, who has not returned to the thread, has made her own decisions as to what she wants to do. I wouldn't either offer or accept £50K - it's far too much and money can make relationships feel much too transactional - but it would have been sensible not to allow money to enter into the equation at all. And it certainly shouldn't be given (or offered) on the basis that the recipient will behave as you want them to or to make them answerable to you in any way.

Personally I wouldn't have gone full-on scorched earth and trashed the relationship because of it, but I am not OP. And I've graciously put up with annoying in-laws for a lot longer than two years before deciding I'd finally had a gut full.

Different strokes...

@ANiceBigCupOfTea

Totally agree. Also thought that was a massive drip feed and oversight. This what was going through my mind:

1. That @SadMil talks as though she's much older, with boomer like expectations of DILs behaviour. (I'm the same age as @SadMil)
2. That they are basically peers yet @SadMil doesn't really sound like she's talking about a peer.
3. I have friends the same age as DIL; once you reach middle age really 10-15 years is nothing in friendships. I guess the peer/PIL dynamic must be a bit weird in this situation.

Overall, I wonder how much this is contributing all round. @SadMil's expectations, the mismatch between expectations and reality, what the dynamic has been like, how @SadMil has actually handled the dynamic of having a DIL who is effectively a peer.

I don't read much introspection from the OP.

It just reads like she has sought out confirmation that she is "doing the right" thing by withdrawing the financial offer, and ignored everything else...

That fact that OP is in her 40s is only causing consternation as a 'drip feed' because its forced people to check their ageism and review their prejudice that she must be an old fashioned, out of touch, controlling 'boomer' because she's a MiL. Its quite amusing actually reading posts extolling the virtue of 'young women' empowering themselves against the judgemental irrelevant old crones of myth, then watching the penny drop that OP is probably their own age.
Nothing in the OPs posts have indicated any suggestion she is trying to be maternal to her DiL. She is however maternal to her son, and the gift and solicited advice she offers is for him. It's hardly her fault that her DiL would end up being age inappropriately party to it through him.

good points, @5128gap.

Many people are eating their own assumptions here.

Bottom line is that the DIL is actively rude, and the actions described here would be considered rude in any setting.

It must be difficult seeing one's offspring get mixed up with such a person, let alone for a child to be added to the situation.

Stand firm on the money, OP.

It feels like there's alot of DILs on this thread projecting over the outrage they'd feel if parents in law withdrew financial support.

I agree with your approach OP. it's your grandchild who should benefit from the money and this way you can completely control that in the event the relationship fails.