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AIBU?

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Original poster

Struggling with DIL

841 replies

SadMil · 16/07/2023 09:20

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

OP posts:
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Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 10:04

InSpainTheRain · 16/07/2023 10:01

She sounds rude to be honest - especially if she is ok with friends but not with you and your DH. It's hard to see what else you can do, I think I would try to keep contact but be personally less invested. For example, you mentioned you have helped them financially - don't do it anymore, but perhaps put what you would have given into a fund for your grandchild. Make sure you have some other things in your life which are absorbing beyond your own family. I have actively done the latter myself recently and it does make a difference because the hurt caused to you by your DIL will fade a little bit and not be so important in your mind (like a self-protection mechanism you can say to yourself "ok, so DIL was rude, but I am looking forward to whatever event" to reduce the impact). I hope that makes sense, I can totally understand it's hard for you but it's about trying to reduce the effect she has on you.

Yes I agree, I think I need to try and be less invested. We had also agreed to gift them a large sum of money to help them buy a house (they’re renting at the moment), but to be honest I’m feeling more and more uncomfortable about this. I can’t very well retract that now though can I?

OP posts:
RichardsGear · 16/07/2023 10:06

You can say unfortunately circumstances have changed.

TheHandbag · 16/07/2023 10:08

No more helping them out financially, she's an ill mannered & manipulative user.
She is using her MH as an excuse to behave awfully towards you & imight ultimately drive a wedge between you all.
She doesn't treat her own family or friends like this, just you so she can control her moods when she feels like it.

Lock away spare cash in a long term deposit account so you're not tempted to help the ungrateful mare out.

Munches · 16/07/2023 10:09

AssertiveGertrude · 16/07/2023 09:38

This behaviour is awful and I say that as a DIL
ignoring you and not thanking you for a special gift is pure bad manners

I agree. Mental health or not , that’s just very ignorant and bad manners.

And before anyone jumps on me: I have a severe anxiety disorder amongst other mental illnesses and cannot work.

For all my symptoms, feelings and struggles- this has never prevented me from using any manners.

Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 10:14

RichardsGear · 16/07/2023 10:06

You can say unfortunately circumstances have changed.

Agree, I just spoken to my husband and he’s in agreement that we put the money in a trust fund for our grand child rather than gifting it to them.

OP posts:
Tourmalines · 16/07/2023 10:14

Don’t give them money . No way would I .

SheWontSheCantShesLeft · 16/07/2023 10:17

If you’ve already offered the money, then withdrawing the offer is a huge escalation. I would proceed with the money tbh.

jeaux90 · 16/07/2023 10:19

OP before you throw a grenade on the deposit situation, is there a way you can try and clear the air with DIL?

Because honestly sometimes you just have to be direct. Have you been?

WellThisWentWell · 16/07/2023 10:20

I wonder if she has anxiety, is shy, perhaps social anxiety, or maybe doesn’t have the best self-esteem.
It kind of sounds more like that, rather than ’rude’ or ’spoilt’.

AssertiveGertrude · 16/07/2023 10:21

Good for you op, don’t be manipulated !

TheHandbag · 16/07/2023 10:21

SheWontSheCantShesLeft · 16/07/2023 10:17

If you’ve already offered the money, then withdrawing the offer is a huge escalation. I would proceed with the money tbh.

@SheWontSheCantShesLeft has a point actually, maybe reduce the amount by half and say due to cost of living you can only afford x instead of y. So you still offer the cash and it's up to them whether they accept. Put the other half in an account in your name for your grandchildren.

AssertiveGertrude · 16/07/2023 10:22

That’s not shyness !! It’s blatantly rude behaviour. Op is correct in withdrawing the money. Sometime you have to have boundaries. You let people treat you by what to accept from them.

RichardsGear · 16/07/2023 10:23

Why? So DIL can treat her PIL like they're shit on her shoe and be financially rewarded for it? It doesn't have to be worded as an outright, "DIL, you're a horrible cow and I begrudge giving you a penny," you know.

rwalker · 16/07/2023 10:23

Sorry but at 39 and unplanned pregnancy in weeks sounds like biological clock ticking and she wanted a baby
she always been standoffish with you as doubt she’s invest in your family
sounds like your son was means to an end
they’d be best off renting if they buy he could be out on his arse tied to a house he couldn’t live in and no chance of he another

thecatinthetwat · 16/07/2023 10:24

Withdrawing your offer to help them buy a house is a very extreme reaction op. You can’t recover from that. Think that through very carefully.
btw, my DH does thank yous for his side of the family, if he forgets to, they blame me too, but it’s their ds who didn’t send them.

RichardsGear · 16/07/2023 10:24

SheWontSheCantShesLeft · 16/07/2023 10:17

If you’ve already offered the money, then withdrawing the offer is a huge escalation. I would proceed with the money tbh.

My post was in response to this.

RichardsGear · 16/07/2023 10:25

WellThisWentWell · 16/07/2023 10:20

I wonder if she has anxiety, is shy, perhaps social anxiety, or maybe doesn’t have the best self-esteem.
It kind of sounds more like that, rather than ’rude’ or ’spoilt’.

Oh FFS 🙄.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 16/07/2023 10:27

Her ignoring you is rude but its your son should have thanked you for the gift.

PrimalOwl10 · 16/07/2023 10:28

If she was like this before it says alot about your son marrying someone who treated his own parents like this.

OneTwoThreeShake · 16/07/2023 10:28

I have social issues, I think caused by my autism.

However, if I behave in this way I am being rude. It doesn't matter why I'm behaving in a given way, it's the behaviour that matters. We are all responsible for our own actions.

She's being dreadfully rude.

Mariposista · 16/07/2023 10:28

SadMil · 16/07/2023 10:14

Agree, I just spoken to my husband and he’s in agreement that we put the money in a trust fund for our grand child rather than gifting it to them.

Show quote history

Don’t put that money ANYWHERE she could get her hands on it. Leave it for your GC, or save it to help your son with legal help if he leaves her.
39 and she is acting like a spoilt moody 15 year old. Heaven’s sake!

Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 10:30

WellThisWentWell · 16/07/2023 10:20

I wonder if she has anxiety, is shy, perhaps social anxiety, or maybe doesn’t have the best self-esteem.
It kind of sounds more like that, rather than ’rude’ or ’spoilt’.

You may well be correct, who knows? What I do know is that her behaviour (whether she can help it or not) has had a really negative impact on both my husband and I. My husband struggles with social anxiety, it was a big effort for him at the party, we went around and said hello to everyone (obviously there were quite a few people we’d never met), he was very hurt that the gift wasn’t acknowledged (he’d spent hours engraving and and putting thought into it).
He doesn’t want anything to do with her now, but I’m aware this is potentially going to cause a real rift, especially as we’ve decided to no give them the money.
Why can’t people just be polite and respectful? I guess I’m old fashioned but but was brought up to treat people how you’d like or expect to be treated yourself.

OP posts:
Namechangedforthis2244 · 16/07/2023 10:30

Is there a possibility that you’re caught in an argument between the two of them?

Looking at your op, the examples of rudeness which made me wonder about that were the party and the thanking for the gift. I can see how you would feel those were rude, but she might just be seeing it as ds job to look after his family at a party, and to thank them for gifts. Did ds thank you for the gift? And if not, why are you frustrated with her?

When you arrange meet ups, offer to babysit etc are you doing that with him or with her? Babies often bring unconscious sexism in relationships to the fore and I wondered whether she was pushing back against the “wife work” of managing the relationship with you rather than being deliberately rude.

If it could be that then pp suggestions of focusing on the relationship with your son and the baby would also help with dil as he would then be doing all of the management of the relationship.

Peachy2005 · 16/07/2023 10:30

Given the circumstances, it doesn’t sound like it will last. Either way your son is probably in for some tough times. No gift is good enough for some people…I have a SIL like this. Protect the money for grandkids but let your son know asap that you can no longer afford to help them out. Be prepared for her to either act worse or turn to sweetness and light when she wants something from you.

MzHz · 16/07/2023 10:31

SadMil · 16/07/2023 10:04

Yes I agree, I think I need to try and be less invested. We had also agreed to gift them a large sum of money to help them buy a house (they’re renting at the moment), but to be honest I’m feeling more and more uncomfortable about this. I can’t very well retract that now though can I?

Show quote history

Are they married? I’d be very wary of giving any significant money to them. She’s got an agenda. Sounds like my oh ex wife.

if he married/marries her she’ll take what she can and your ds would be out on his ear.

I think you should back off a bit and be very open and honest about why. You’re not overstepping or being overbearing in any way and you don’t expect to be invited to a party and then treated so rudely.