Struggling with DIL

[SadMil]

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

you may be partly right, but I'm a DIL and I think the MIL is bang out of line for offering the money to her son and grandchild, then whipping it away when she doesn't get on with her DIL.. I wouldn't feel outrage because I would never accept money from someone I don't particularly like or get on with, it would never end well and would definitely cause a problem in the relationship going forward.

Then now offering it to the GC in trust? Is that offer going to be rescinded too? Why make ANY offers? why not just be a loving supportive parent/grandparent and if you wish, offer financial support at a time when you think your child/grandchild may need it most (uni/house purchase/car etc)?

IMO this is the problem when parents/PIL have money, I'd much rather have broke parents and grandparents that love unconditionally, than someone who uses their wealth as a punishment.

I don't think anyone's projecting about the money. People are questioning the reasons OP has given for withdrawing it. Refusing a cup of tea and not repeating a thank you her partner had already given his parents for their child's present are hardly abominable behaviour traits but OP has mentioned those as being her tipping points and frankly she sounds petty. Taking back their offer is purely about her exerting control over her DIL to put her in her place. Can you imagine how devastated the son must be feeling if they'd been sorting out a mortgage and looking at properties based on the gift, only to have it snatched away because his mentally ill wife isn't toeing the line and sucking up enough to his demanding parents?

And what if the relationship doesn't fail? OP's screwed any chance of getting close to her DIL going forward. Her son sounds like a loving and loyal husband who refused to breach his wife's medical privacy when his mum was being nosey, so OP should brace herself for him pulling away from them big time after this.

FiL is NC with his DiL already. He said he never wanted to see her again because neither she nor her husband thanked him for his gift. I'm assuming his son is not in Coventry with her.

You can imagine how easily the above scenario could be spun into a variation on 'DiL is a grasping so-and-so. She doesn't want to confide in us, doesn't seem to want to speak to us, but she's more than happy to take our money and has now gone off in a strop because that offer's been withdrawn'.

She is not the one who is making this about the money. OP is.

I think people who are focusing on op's age are clutching at straws. Age is but a number and has no relevance whatsoever. I admire younger women as well as older women. It's whoever has bollocks at the end of the day to achieve their dreams. The op has done well for herself and if her dil feels inferior or jealous that's her problem.

I don't think anyone's projecting about the money. People are questioning the reasons OP has given for withdrawing it.

Why does she need the op's money what has she been doing for the last 20 years since she left school or university?

That is one of the most tone-deaf comments I think I've ever read on MN, and that's saying something! Millions of people don't own their own house by their 40s and still rent, because they cannot afford to save for a deposit. There's no shame in that, so don't imply that there is.

👏👏👏

Spot on.

I've read the entire thread, actually. I stand by my comments to the OP. I think your posts on this thread have been wildly inappropriate, petty, and mean-spirited, and have contributed nothing of substance to the discussion.

You seem to be a keyboard warrior. I'm sure you'll continue to attack me and others who dare to read this situation differently than you do. Go for it. I will not engage with you further.

You took 2 days to come back with that? 😂

Why question it and would anyone expect a family member who has worked hard all their lives to give it away to someone who doesn't like them. I expected that response from you.

There's no indication the DiL expects the money at all. By OP's own account her son accepted her decision to rescind her offer without rancour.

DiL's sins are mainly of omission: she's not communicative enough to suit OP's liking, therefore it's to be assumed that if she's running to type she's not having conversations about the money either.

The only one apparently making this relationship all about the money is OP.

You are right carpediem that no one needs to give someone they don't like money. And they aren't. They have now realised out that the offer they made was dependent on them liking their son's choice of partner and when faced with that reality they have changed their minds about it.

They have no idea at this point if they are going to like the baby as she grows up either.

Her son won't argue with his mother and he maybe walking on egg shells himself with his wife/girlfriend.

You don't know what is going on and he did rush into the relationship and a lot of the time people try to make it work not for their other half but for the child/children.

What does "I expected that response from you" mean exactly?

I don’t think they were expecting it, or even asked for it though? Besides that she’s not just handing 50 grand to the DIL!

It was meant to be a house deposit for her son and GC to have a stable home... except now she doesn’t seem to give a shit about that because She doesn’t get on with DIL, and people on the internet who have only heard one side of the story are agreeing with her that DIL is rude.

Whichever reason she gives, shes ultimately rescinded the offer as a fuck you to the DIL, but who is she really punishing here? Very short sighted of her to be honest, if I was her son I’d be quite upset about the whole thing, he is well and truly stuck in the middle of this weird power play.

she shouldn’t ever have offered the money in the first place.

She offered it as it was for good intentions. Her son met her and within a few weeks got pregnant. There was no honeymoon period of casual bunk ups and the silly row here and there. It was straight into responsibility and do I blame her no not really she wanted a child and she was lucky to find a good man who would stand by her. It could have gone the other way and the op's son was a loser and didn't take responsibility and ran a mile. He has taken on a lot at very short amount of time without knowing her. I think the op has done the right thing and if anything she is protecting her son and grandchild.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4630626-dil-is-really-miserable?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

MN keeps posting this "similar thread" underneath this one and it's remarkably similar about events, but went entirely the other way.

Sounds like the same family! The way the post is written also matches OP's opening comment.

@Scyla everyone is different one size does not fit all we are all individual in our own right. I grew up with mentally ill parents you ain't teaching noone anything new. We all have mental health issues.

I do not think you are being unreasonable OP. The MN trolls are draining so perhaps speak to a trusted friend. Well done for defending yourself throughout calmly but assertively.

Maybe it is the same person and in that thread she explained her dil was starting to affect his mh. That thread is old from last year who knows.

Well yes. But that has no resemblance to the situation we're discussing, has it?
The OP is inviting comments about a women she has said 'MAY be depressed' not ' is seriously disabled' and her requirements seem to be for the woman to say Hello, Goodbye, Thanks for the stool and I'll pass on the tea thanks MiL. Hardly onerous as displays of gratitude go.
The journey from possible depression to disabled by a MH condition is a flight of fancy from posters wanting to consolidate the OPs position as unquestioned villain of the piece.
If people feel it's wrong to rescind the gift on the information given, fair enough. But the extra bits we've made up and added to the story aren't really a valid part of the debate.

sounds abit like OP talking..

so what if they met and SHE got pregnant straight away (didn’t realise you could do that on your own btw), didn’t OP say she offered this after they’d had the child so what difference does that make?

she shouldn’t have offered the money. No matter how ‘good intentioned’ it was.

So anyone who disagrees with an OP is a troll?