Struggling with DIL

[SadMil]

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

Are they? It should be pretty obvious - at least since the update about the telephone call - that that ship has sailed. It's now a question of damage limitation; of trying not to let the relationship disintegrate any further than it already has.

Many of the posts - at least aside from the ridiculous in-fighting that's derailed the thread - are variations on how to achieve this.

Unfortunately, if the rot sets in any further OP is the one with most to lose. DiL is the mother of her grandchild. That's simply the way it is.

I have found that my own in-laws expect so much more from me (female) than my family do from my DH. In fact they actually seem to expect more from me than their son...why? Because I'm female?

In a short word, yes.

Well this thread has certainly brought out all the batshit DIL's 😂

I think this thread would have gone very differently if someone had posted about a MIL who barely looked at them and was very distant. This place is not confidential OP. There’s every chance of this thread coming to your DILs attention. I would advise you to try to get it taken down.

Totally. Get in line and invite and host those ILs. Cook, tidy and run around after them when they are visiting. Don't be assertive. Don't have your own wants and expectations or, god forbid, boundaries. No rules for your own children if the ILs want to do something you disagree with. If you do a good job your ILs will tell you what a great host their son is. If they aren't happy with something, or your husband doesn't fill one of his responsibilities, you'll be blamed. Because you are the woman and your role is to serve. (Well, this is how my ILs seemed to approach things.)

Eventually this DIL got sick of it and told DH he could handle his own family invites and hosting. Been a few years since we've seen them when he was left to it.

Lesson: When your DIL is making all the effort, don't push her away.

Some of us DILs are also MILs.

@rowanoak
I hope for your sake you mellow as you get older, because its women with the attitudes in your post, intransient, entitled, controlling, belligerent, upholding only your 'rights' but none of your responsibilities, that are the MiLs from hell of the future.
If you can't move past this level of judgement of other women based on nothing more than their generation, I think you're going to have a very tough time indeed when the boots on the other foot and you're the older generation. You may find your own D/SiLs think 'the pleasure of your company' is something of an oxymoron.

She might be a great MIL. I think having so many issues with my own MIL has helped me learn how to be a good MIL. We have good relationships and I respect them as adults in their own right and don't interfere, take over, or impose my wants on their lives.

I would stop going out of your way with her.
Maybe just go through your son instead.
If she visits, be polite but basic.
Treat people the way they treat you.
She's rude and ignorant. No amount of mental health issues stops you from thanking someone for a gift!

Well I think DIL sounds very rude. If I were too swept up in a party to thank relatives for a potential heirloom of a handmade gift, I would at least call or text (yes, myself, to my ILs!) apologising and thanking profusely.

It could be partly down to her MH, but if she's nice to others at a party and still excluding the ILs, then it's obviously something to do with them. It could be as simple as a (real or perceived) slight or misstep that would have been all but forgotten by a healthier psyche, but has instead been catastrophised and has DIL looking for further signs they hate her.

While it's true that the ILs aren't owed DIL's feelings or medical records, it makes it very hard for them to then give her grace or assurances in turn.

Knowing that my parents can be very discreet, I would honestly break confidence and swear them to secrecy in DS's unenviable position.

Just because you are a MIL does not mean you cant be a batshit DIL.

That's true, but it's interesting to see from both sides.

I'm not sure that anyone harbouring that level of anger that they project it on to this situation can make a great anything tbh unless they do a little work on themselves first.
Some people really struggle to differentiate between assertiveness and aggression. They believe that unless they're stridently proclaiming their rights at every hands turn and showing everyone they're in charge, they are being subjugated.
In reality its far more nuanced than that. The most successful relationships involve compromise and tolerance. Being so 'assertive' you see those things as weaknesses rather than the life skills they are, and so blinkered by your own perspective you project it on to everyone else does not make for happy relationships.
If you have good relations with your children's partners, I'm willing to bet they're not rooted in any of you adopting the aggressive attitude I referenced.

OP - I wouldn't give them the money either. Good manners cost nothing, and I certainly wouldn't be pandering to her.

I get on great with my DIL and SIL, and I would t be rude to them - nor would I put up with them being rude to me.

Hang on to the money - you don't know what's going to happen in your son's relationship. Your DIL sounds like hard work.🙂

Absolutely @5128gap A successful in-law relationship does involve compromise and tolerance - showing these qualities does not mean being a doormat. Choosing this more subtle path rather than an assertive/aggressive attitude can be more positive and productive.

Especially tolerance, I think. I think this is why I have good IL relationships. I just take people as they come. Don't read into their actions things that aren't there.

My SIL is everything I could have wanted for my daughter. Is he perfect? No. But neither am I. We just accept each other's quirks and get on with it.

That poster has shared some crackers across a few threads this morning. Wrong side of the bed, I think.

Absolutely @TheBlinkOfAnEye - exactly my attitude to being a mother-in-law - live and let live -we sound like we feel similarly about our SILs too. I was so happy that my daughter found him.

No point in seeking conflict due to imaginary slights!

Yes, CIL can be a wonderful addition to the family.

I don't think I'd be immune from DIL issues though. Some of the things I see posted around here, "MIL won't look after my child full time while I work!" or "PIL won't give me money for a house deposit!" could cause issues for me. I'm not looking after anyone's child full time (emergencies excepted), I have my own life. And I couldn't give anyone a house deposit even if I wanted to.

The cup of tea thing is interesting, I would never make someone a drink without asking if they wanted one, even if they had one every time, they may be in a hurry that day or fancy something colder in the warm weather. I think she was most definitely making a point that you shouldn't be making decisions FOR her, and could well be a more accurate snapshot of the dynamics of your relationship with her then you realise TBH.

There's obviously another side to this that we aren't privvy to but I think some of the examples you're giving are just examples of you not getting on that well, nothing more than that, it could even be that you've always had an 'active' role in your sons life, and tbh that can be quite overbearing for a partner who is quite independent, I had a similar thing with my PIL when I got together with DH, they were so used to being involved in decision making with DH that they struggled with the fact that I didn't need or want them to make decisions for me too and I actively had to push back a few times to establish new boundaries, they are lovely people and it wasn't their fault, it was just what they were used to doing, I love them like my own parents now but I think part of it is because I was able to have frank and open conversations with them, not just seeth about it behind their backs, honesty and communication has always been important to me, and I like to see people I care about happy, but not everyone thinks beyond the end of their own nose unfortunately, she sounds very unforgiving.

It sounds like you've never reached an understanding between you, either because you're both unable to accommodate each other's personalities or you just don't want to.

Where I DO think you're not only unreasonable but actually bang out of line is the money, you should never have offered to do this in the first place if it was a conditional offer, it's quite frankly disgusting and confirms to me that this is more about control than actually wanting to help them. To clarify, I would have never offered to do this in the first place, it's a minefield, there are so many other ways you could 'help' them if you really wanted to.

The OP has reviewed her decision about the money in light of events she wasn't party to when she made the offer.
It appears at the time her DiLs behaviour was different and she had no real concerns about her. She was happy to include this woman in her generosity to her son before her DiL showed this side of her character.
While it hasn't been explicitly said by the OP, if my DiL suddenly started revealing this sort of behaviour then I wouldn't be able to help but wonder if there may be an impact on their relationship sooner or later, which would make me very cautious about cutting her in on money I could otherwise give entirely to my son and GC. Not to mention the natural human reluctance to give a large gift to someone you feel treats you badly. There must be some very altruistic people on this thread if they would do otherwise.

I think the OP is entirely within her rights to withdraw the money but to make the reason for it her DIL’s behaviour and communicate that to her son is wrong and manipulative and guaranteed to create issues for the couple.
That does demonstrate that it is now more about the OP’s agenda and is a move that is designed to cause division between a couple who are apparently very happy and they have only fairly recently had a child. She is trying to punish her DIL through her son and possibly hoping that her son blames his wife for the loss of the money.

I can't help but feeling that the OP is digging a deeper hole for herself with the new gift to this woman's daughter.

I think I would be upset if someone that didn't like me and didn't like me being married to her son started announcing her intentions to give my daughter a huge lump sum at 18 without any consultation or discussion with me. It all seems rather ostentatiously a display of dominance.

OP said it is a lot of money for them. There's absolutely no need to promise this to a baby. There could be more babies, the baby could end up growing up in Australia for example.

A woman holding a large sum over my daughter's head all her life when she doesn't like me seems intended to distress me by coming between us.

I've promised my kids deposits. I'm not managing and reviewing the terms on an ongoing basis.

The promise is there to be drawn down as and when they want it. I wouldn't use it to undermine them and their families.

I was thinking on this and I actually think I'd have posted about my MIL in a fashion that wouldn't have reflected how I was with her IRL. I was a very young mum, no-one to support me or guide me about the fact I had a DH problem, not a MIL problem as such. I'm sure I'd have posted in a venting manner because I was overwhelmed with a domineering MIL with no regard for me, and no idea what to do about it. I was also a people pleaser, so that really made it hard to stand up for myself.

I did grow up and realise that I didn't have to allow people to treat me that way. I did learn how to handle these situations. I wish Mumsnet had been there for me. I'm sure it would have helped.

It hasn't impacted my being a MIL one bit. People mellow as they get older, learn different ways to communicate, and learn they have the right to stand up for themselves. Granted OP's DIL is twice the age I was and I'd learned those lessons by then.

Aggressive posting might just be frustration and overwhelm showing and isn't a reflection of how you deal with someone IRL.