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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Struggling with DIL

841 replies

SadMil · 16/07/2023 09:20

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

OP posts:
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7
Babsexxx · 16/07/2023 09:35

Trouble is she could well be depressed is your son pulling his weight? Making sure she gets time etc? As if things aren’t great between them she could be projecting onto you! Could be a number of things really tricky to say.

But I definitely wouldn’t be the one to mention possible pnd from your standpoint that needs to come from your son.

AssertiveGertrude · 16/07/2023 09:38

This behaviour is awful and I say that as a DIL
ignoring you and not thanking you for a special gift is pure bad manners

MargosMangos · 16/07/2023 09:41

Id Keep being supportive personally
She sounds like she's really struggling

5foot5 · 16/07/2023 09:41

What was your relationship with her like before the baby?

Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 09:42

Son does pull his weight, he’s very hands on. Often will take baby out for a few hours so she can sleep. He adores her and the baby and is a very conscious she seems to find it difficult (I obviously now how hard it can be having a baby).

OP posts:
Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 09:42

5foot5 · 16/07/2023 09:41

What was your relationship with her like before the baby?

She was stand offish and moody but nowhere near the same extent

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 16/07/2023 09:44

She sounds ignorant and bad mannered to me! There’s no excuse.

FastAndLast · 16/07/2023 09:45

PinkiOcelot · 16/07/2023 09:44

She sounds ignorant and bad mannered to me! There’s no excuse.

This. No excuses for being rude.

BatsHaveButtcheeks · 16/07/2023 09:46

She's rude and ignorant.

Babsexxx · 16/07/2023 09:47

Yeah with the first I genuinely think it’s the absolute hardest, that first year is just sooo hard! And exhausting! It’s good that ds is very hands on!

I don’t think there’s anything really more you could do! Just keep doing what your doing op.

FOJN · 16/07/2023 09:48

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

I think this is quite telling, it sounds like she behaves this way at home too. Has she always been like this or is it a new development?

Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 09:49

PinkiOcelot · 16/07/2023 09:44

She sounds ignorant and bad mannered to me! There’s no excuse.

I agree, but I’m really struggling as I know from things that have been said that she does have problems with her mental health (I think she has a bipolar diagnosis), but on the other hand I don’t really think it’s fair regardless of MH issues to treat others badly- especially as we have been nothing other than warm and supportive towards them. We’ve helped with them moving house, we’ve offered advice (when asked for), we’ve been generous financially. It just leaves me feeling like a bit of a mug, but obviously I don’t want to feel like this.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 16/07/2023 09:51

You may have to dial your expectations of her down - to about zero. You don't really know what's going on with her, she may have depression which is impacting her already difficult personality.

Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 09:51

FOJN · 16/07/2023 09:48

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

I think this is quite telling, it sounds like she behaves this way at home too. Has she always been like this or is it a new development?

She has always been a bit moody and unpredictable, but at the party she was seemingly ‘fine’ with her friends but blatantly ignored my husband and I which makes me think it must be personal

OP posts:
WeetabixTowels · 16/07/2023 09:55

You could ask her if she’s OK, and how she’s coping?

WeetabixTowels · 16/07/2023 09:55

And also do you babysit much? Maybe offer so she can get a break?

Mariposista · 16/07/2023 09:56

What a brat! Your poor son, he's picked a charmer there!
MN usually think DIL are the holy grail and there is always an excuse for their bad behaviour, while MIL are the sport of satan who need to back off. But she sounds awful!

Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 09:57

We do offer to babysit, sometimes we are taken up on this, other times not. She is very close to her mum who will babysit far more often (understandably) so they do seem to have time to themselves.

OP posts:
AssertiveGertrude · 16/07/2023 09:59

No way would I help them financially! Also your son is letting her be this way so I would be very disappointed in him too. She sounds spoilt

VivaVivaa · 16/07/2023 10:01

What’s her family like? Are her parents local and as supportive as you guys?

InSpainTheRain · 16/07/2023 10:01

She sounds rude to be honest - especially if she is ok with friends but not with you and your DH. It's hard to see what else you can do, I think I would try to keep contact but be personally less invested. For example, you mentioned you have helped them financially - don't do it anymore, but perhaps put what you would have given into a fund for your grandchild. Make sure you have some other things in your life which are absorbing beyond your own family. I have actively done the latter myself recently and it does make a difference because the hurt caused to you by your DIL will fade a little bit and not be so important in your mind (like a self-protection mechanism you can say to yourself "ok, so DIL was rude, but I am looking forward to whatever event" to reduce the impact). I hope that makes sense, I can totally understand it's hard for you but it's about trying to reduce the effect she has on you.

Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 10:02

Mariposista · 16/07/2023 09:56

What a brat! Your poor son, he's picked a charmer there!
MN usually think DIL are the holy grail and there is always an excuse for their bad behaviour, while MIL are the sport of satan who need to back off. But she sounds awful!

Well I obviously don’t share my concerns with my son but she fell pregnant within weeks of meeting, she’s very attractive. My son seems to be head over heels and she does seem to rule the roost. I also had reservations as she’s 39, my son is 30 so the possibility that she just wanted a baby has crossed my mind

OP posts:
Notmineagain · 16/07/2023 10:04

MargosMangos · 16/07/2023 09:41

Id Keep being supportive personally
She sounds like she's really struggling

Struggling to even say thank you?? Don't excuse rudeness.

RichardsGear · 16/07/2023 10:04

I wouldn't bother my arse with someone who can't demonstrate basic manners (when she's perfectly capable of being fine with her friends). Obviously wouldn't be rude myself but wouldn't go out of my way to make the effort. Cultivate your relationship with your granddaughter when your son has her - you said he takes her (the baby) out for a few hours so ask son if you can meet up with the pair of them then, or if he can bring her round.

WeetabixTowels · 16/07/2023 10:04

SadMil · 16/07/2023 09:57

We do offer to babysit, sometimes we are taken up on this, other times not. She is very close to her mum who will babysit far more often (understandably) so they do seem to have time to themselves.

I honestly think some women feel being a good DIL is like cheating on their mum. I see this all the time and on MN!