Struggling with DIL

[SadMil]

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

Totally agree with this!

She didn’t have DC until 37 (?) but didn’t get on the property ladder. Sounds like she landed on her feet with your DS and him having wealthy parents.

No way would I see my DS taken for a fool. Tell your DS that due to an unexpected financial matter, you can’t help them with buying a house. Make something up so as not to alienate him. Be interesting to see DIL’s reaction when you stop being a cash cow.

@SadMil

Just to play Devil's Advocate here (a position worth thinking about if you actually, genuinely, want things to change and improve)...

Every family is different. What if there is some way that you are behaving/talking that isn't acceptable to her but feels "normal" for your family? One of the biggest mistakes we make when blending families through marriage is carrying forward them same expectations we've always had...without any explicit discussion or even seeking consent around how relationships will work.

What if your son knows exactly what is bothering her? What if she has told him many times? And he's doing that fairly common thing of making dismissive comments "just a mood" because having a frank discussion is too hard? Pretty common scenario and if she were to take MN advice on this she's got a DH problem not MIL problem...

I would spend less time considering how to revoke previous agreements around money etc (and proceeding down a possibly irreparable path) and try and think about the other side of the story before going into an open and honest conversation, with a open state of mind. Prepare to hear things you aren't expecting and endeavour to avoid offense but think about how to meaningfully move forward.

Give it a go. Give her time to think about it. Revisit. And if that doesn't help, step back for a bit and give her space.

She sounds like DHs SIL. No PND or MH issues just a user and a bitch. Known her for over 40 years and she's still the same. When she needs/wants something she couldn't be sweeter but the rest of the time DHs family is surplus to requirements.

It’s hard to tell not being in the situation but to play devils advocate - from your updates could she be perceiving some of your thoughts about her? I’m at a point where you could describe me as standoffish to my inlaws, I also now leave all thank yous etc to my husband for his side of the family. However this has come after nearly 20 years of them being pretty awful to me and the most useless grandparents..: so I’ve now given up. They’ve met my baby (6m) twice, they live 20 min away and are both retired and in good health…. They saw my child (5) for an occasion a few months ago having not seen him for ages and didn’t even talk to him. They never say thank you for anything either! I’ve had to majorly adjust my expectations and with a baby now too the effort I put in. However it doesn’t sound like you and your husband have been as rubbish! I would really try to consider your own behaviour, she may well have got the impression that you don’t think she’s a suitable match somehow. I would also keep reminding yourself that it can be very very difficult and a big time
of upheaval with a new baby especially if you have existing mh problems. You want to be in your son and grandchild’s life, so hang in there for the long haul, try not to take it personally, and don’t worry about a thank you - presumably your son thanked you? Keep offering support and be warm and friendly.

If you do give them money, make sure that is protected for your son or your grandchild. I don't know how it would be done legally, but the percentage of the house the money pays for should be in your son's name. Otherwise, if they split, she will get half the house which would be half of your money too. You have ony known her a matter of months and she isn't pleasant to you, why should she get half of your hard earned money? I know being bipolar is truly awful, but she should be able to at least use basic manners when dealing with you.

Give them nothing. Keep your money safe for the child if you must.

She sounds rude as shit.

It doesn't sound like OP and her husband have been rubbish at all! Your situation is hardly comparable.

She’s extremely rude and MH issues are not an excuse for persistent rudeness. A one off fine but not all the time.

I understand why you have reservations about the deposit because of her behaviour and your suspicion she won’t be around for a long time, but renegading might massively escalate the situation. Be careful that you don’t ruin your relationship with DS and DGS. The deposit was helping to purchase security for them. If she doesn’t like you she’ll use it as ammunition.

Have another chat with DS. If possible distance yourself from her and interact with DGS through DS.

That sounds really hard.
Did your son thank your DH for the gift? I wonder if he should be bringing you into the fold a bit more.

You mentioned her mum, do you get on with her mum? It sounds like your DIL has taken issue with something and is snubbing you. I think your son probably knows more than he is letting on. Knowing may be more upsetting than not knowing though, particularly if it is over something you wouldn't have given a second thought to.

I think you need to have a chat with your son.
Tell him you need to know if you've done something to upset her or is she just a moody cow.
I think because she's always been like that towards you,it's nothing you have done.

Just get your D's to bring GC on his own. leave her to wallow in bitterness.

I would try and have a honest talk. First with your son, sit him down, tell him how you feel and ask him if there is any reason for her behaviour. And if he thinks it is better that he talks to her or you have a chat with her personally. Include in your talk with your son that you feel so ignored that no longer want to provide finantially.
The only thing I heard you mentioning that could be a wedge is the unplanned pregnancy. Maybe something was said or perceived then? And still bothers her?

Try to repair the relationship. You have been great, you have them in your house, babysit, attend parties..
I would not be invited and then just ignored though. She was interacting with others, so that to me sounds very personal. And if she decided to continue behaving this way without any hint at a reason or attemp at sorting it, she would drop of my list of known people.

It sounds like your son was led by his dick and said dick wasn’t wearing a rain jacket before he really knew this woman.

I would not be giving money to two people who exhibit so much contempt for you and your husband, I include your son because by making excuses and not challenging her behaviour, he is condoning it.

All you can do is speculate to what the hell is going on but you don’t know. Your son isn’t blind and has far more responsibility in this situation than you think.

I know you think your son is pulling his weight. But is he really? My husband was all hands on in front of other people but at home was incredibly lazy and sometimes refused to help. It made me so angry when I was with his family as it showed he was capable but just didn't want to do it at home. And all the comments of what a great father he was really made my blood boil

Will the money you girlfriend be separate so that if they serperate it is not "in the pot"?

If not I wouldn't be gifting anything.
Message your son and ask to speak to him privately.
Say, frankly , that her behaviour has given you reason to pause. And while you wish to help him and his son you will not be giving her any money.

Do you think she’s aware of the way you felt when she became pregnant? Surely you had conversations with your DS about this and your concerns?

I’m not excusing her rude behaviour, just trying to work out what her issue with you is as this is more than just ‘being in a mood’! She’s not rude to everyone else.

Your DS knows more than he’s letting on, I’m sure.

As far as the lump sum of money goes, definitely don’t do this. Delay, make excuses, anything, or just be honest. Say until you know what you’ve done to make her so hostile towards you, you can’t be supporting them financially.

Really hard to tell who’s in the wrong here. Your son should be thanking you for the gift, and organising the babysitting with you - that’s not DIL’s responsibility just because she’s female.

She should have thanked you for making the tea, sure - but that’s hardly crime of the century.

All you can do is back right off and focus on your relationship with your son, not try to force a woman you barely know to behave how you want.

I wouldn't be 'gifting' a large amount of money for a house to someone who was so openly and blatantly rude to me, especially if you think the marriage won't survive. Because she'll get the money and the house. The trust fund idea for the grandchild is a much better idea.

But that's not on the DIL, is it? Why is her place and wrong doing if she doesn't say thank you? Why can't her husband, the baby's father and their son, be responsible for saying thank you?

Apart from this, which I think your son should be held responsible for, it doesn't sound like she's behaving very well.

You've obviously done or said something to piss her off (could be totally unintentionally) and your son doesn't want to tell you himself what it is.

I'd leave her to it personally, she's sounds like one of these people who holds long grudges over little things.

Just keep interacting normally with her, your son and grandchild and ignore her attitude.

Ffs !

I wouldn't give them a penny, tbh. I think your son will end up leaving her at some point so I'd save your money for then. Don't feel obliged to put it into a fund for your granddaughter unless it really is spare oney.

Spare money!

Your son says she's in one of her moods and needs medicated? 🚩🚩🚩

I think you need to accept it for what it is. They are not going to change.
Be polite and interested but invest less in the relationship.

Can’t you just be honest with your DS and explain what you have on here? Although he says “it’s not personal” it clearly is and I would be pointing this out ie not behaving like this when she is with others.

Just a thought but do you think the baby is his? Maybe she knows otherwise and is keeping you at arms length through guilt?