Struggling with DIL

[SadMil]

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

Did your DS show appreciation to his dad for the present? Did he include you both at the party and make sure you were welcome?

I know it’s easier said than done, but you should try to focus on your relationship with your DS and your GC, and less on your DIL. I don’t mean actively exclude her but I do mean seek out opportunities for connection via your DS, rather than concentrating on the currently strained relationship with your DIL.

Is it possible that what you see as support, she sees as overstepping and interference?

Your son could have said thank you for the gift, so that's on him too. Can't blame DIL just for that.

I'd be careful about gifting a deposit. If they split up, she'll get half of that. I think you can change your mind and say you've decided to invest it for the grandchildren instead, or circumstances have changed. It happens.

I hope things work out in time for you all to have a good relationship.

Sad reading :(

its too important a relationship to give up, I’d start by talking with your son to explain the hurt you are both feeling. Ask if there is anything you have done, or snything you can do to make it ok

she sounds awful, but hang in there for a while, your son sure as hell needs you xx

Not thanking you for the gift is so incredibly rude, your son should be pulling her up on that.

It sounds like she just hasn’t ever really liked you (and it’s probably nothing that you’ve done) so you may not ever win her around. Hopefully she’ll grow up and make a bit of effort for your GC’s sake. Otherwise, ask your son if he can bring the baby over once a week for a few hours and let DIL ‘rest’ (that’ll probably go down like a lead balloon but ultimately even if she doesn’t like you, she should not be stopping your son and GC from having a relationship with you)

Or, sit her down and tell her everything you’ve said here and see what she says. To be fair she’s being rude so you may as well have it out with her and try and clear the air moving forwards.

I had a nightmare mother in law. I stepped back. This doesn’t sound like you. I just wouldn’t push it. It sounds like it could be mental health related. I think it would be good if you could offer to baby sit so your son and daughter in law can go out and you can get time with the baby. Also is your son the type to give her a break and bring the baby round to see you? If he is quite easy going he may not stand up to her which could be another issue.

From your original post it sounds like you disapproved of her from the start. I can't imagine that didn't come across or that she didn't get an inkling of that. Your posts here seem to indicate this strongly. Unless she's really worrisome in her behaviour, she is your son's partner and your grandson's mother.

The post doesn't give us a lot to go on. Not speaking to you a lot when there are lots of other people there and not thanking you for a gift doesn't seem like big enough things to know there is a deep problem. Not speaking to someone because they haven't thanked you for a gift just seems silly to me. Yes she maybe shouldn't have said something but maybe she thought her partner had and without knowing what the gift is it's hard to judge. Maybe it wasn't the kind of gift she thought appropriate or something, who knows? It could be that she has resentments of her own built up.

But if you feel in your heart there is a real problem, maybe you need a proper conversation with your son. Or maybe just say something directly along the lines of you feel she might be avoiding you a bit and you hope you haven't offended her in any way. Perhaps then she might open up?

Not thanking you for the gift is so incredibly rude, your son should be pulling her up on that.

Why? Is the son mute? Can't he thank his parents?

Oh I didn’t read the bit about the deposit. I would absolutely sit them down and say that whilst she is being so moody and rude towards you, you don’t feel comfortable givfting them a deposit. She can’t have it both ways!

I thought the son had said thank you, it was just the DIL that hadn’t, but yes, he needs to say thank you too!

She sounds absolutely horrendous and you have done nothing wrong.

I don't think he did. But DIL is getting blamed for not having received thanks. This is the part I disagree with OP about. Why does her son get off because he's a man? Also, did her son step up to include them at the party? Is that also only on DIL? I know when I'm running parties I acknowledge everyone, but I'm also busy running the party, so limited time to talk much.

She was stand offish and moody but nowhere near the same extent

Mental health issues don't excuse appalling behaviour. I've been (severely) depressed and still managed a please and thank you!

She's fucking rude!!

With the money, if you want to help with deposit then you need to have a deed of trust making it very clear that is your/your sons money and if they sell the house he will get that deposit back. Although if they're married that will be nul and void as it will count as a marital asset- you'd need to be on the lease/freehold as a joint owner to protect the money.
I'd rather put it in trust for grandson, but equally no guarantee an 18 year old boy won't blow that on a boozy drug filled gap year!

Re - DIL - she might just be an unfriendly cow. She's given me (the media portrayal of) Megan markle vibes.
However, as a DIL it's easy to feel like you're just seen as a baby making machine. When you offer to help as well as baby sitting I would say is there anything we can do in the house so that you can enjoy time with baby like take a bag of laundry away or bring some food over? I always feel like offers of 'help' from my Ex'a mum involve taking baby away from me, which I don't want, but help from my friends and own family is chores or meals which makes me feel like they care about ME and me bonding with my baby, which of course makes me more keen to have them over than exMIL who expects me to entertain her and make her coffee etc.

As baby gets older and is a toddler you can have time with the child without seeing as much of DIL, take him out to the park or do a school pick up once a week etc - she might just not enjoy your company that much (again rude and not a good partner to your ds if she doesn't make the effort despite this) but this is who he's chosen to be with.

Criticising her to your son will make him more defensive of her so it's not a good idea if you can avoid it, but just make sure he knows he is loved and supported and he can always talk to you about any worries he has

Sounds as though you didn't like her/questioned her motives from day one. She probably knows this and that's why she's stand-offish.

Your son is a grown man! Didn't he thank you for the engraved gift?

I disageee the son doesn't need this added pressure right now

I am sorry, but this does sound like a possibility. I wouldn't be letting them get a house together as with a child in the mix, he could come off worse.

I cannot remember if you said, but are they married or just living together?

She does sound rude. Problem is of course, if you back off from her you’ll give her an excuse she can use to justify her shitty behaviour and even use it to drive a wedge between you and DS. It sounds like the last thing you want is to lose contact with you DGC and DS so for that reason I’d grit my teeth I think and keep trying. Sorry x

Even if she did just 'want a baby' and trapped him, there's not a lot that can be done now and her son knows that irresponsible ejaculation with women he doesn't know well can result in this. He seems happy to be a dad, so I don't think any time focusing on stories/theories like this helps anyone

Why not? I wouldn’t give a large sum of money to someone who ignores me when I am in the room. Once she’s got it, do you think she will feel the need to be any more welcoming? Precedent says otherwise.

You don’t need to withdraw your offer, just never mention it again. See what happens. I agree about the grandchild fund ( because this relationship has some serious 🚩🚩🚩for thé future).

I've also known 'accidents' where I think it was more likely the man trapping the woman as he wanted to keep her so impregnated her

Not really buying this, sounds like there's more going or gone on.

Your son will tell you what you want to hear, he won't tell you about their problems and will make himself out to be in the best light possible.

What was relationship like with her before baby and how often did you see her then? Did you help her out during her pregnancy?

It's interesting that the son is accommodated sensitively for his social anxiety but the DIL is described as "moody".

Families like a scapegoat.

It seems this family have picked theirs.

Does your son acknowledge how rude his wife is to you? I'd be furious if my partner behaved in that way and it would certainly affect the way I felt about them. I think you have a son issue here, not just a DIL issue.

Yes, you can retract your offer of financial support. I might explain to your son that now the economy is in a downturn and the cost of living is going through the roof you aren't in a position to help them out financially. Or take legal advice to find out if you can ring-fence anything you give him so that if they split up he keeps your gift. Some years ago relatives of mine downsized in order to give a six-figure sum to their son for a house deposit. Within a couple of years his wife left and took half their money with her.

It sounds as if this has all happened very quickly. Bi-polar can be a very difficult condition to live with and some of her behaviour may be as a result of depression. I have had a good friend with bi-polar. Unfortunately we're no longer friends because, after several years and several increasingly dramatic cycles, it became impossible for me continue contact. I wish you all well.

She doesn't sound like she is struggling. She doesn't like you and perhaps feels threatened by your good relationship with your son because she's either jealous or controlling or both.