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Original poster

Struggling with DIL

841 replies

SadMil · 16/07/2023 09:20

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

OP posts:
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7
egowise · 16/07/2023 11:25

You've made it very clear here that you dislike her and think she has ulterior motives.

She's probably picked up on that.

Unclecornelius · 16/07/2023 11:26

gstv2104 · 16/07/2023 11:22

Not really buying this, sounds like there's more going or gone on.

Your son will tell you what you want to hear, he won't tell you about their problems and will make himself out to be in the best light possible.

That’s not always true.
My db would have defended his ex in the first 10 years at least.
She was and is an awful person who terrified both her dh and her dc, and my dm too.

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 16/07/2023 11:26

MenoRageisReal · 16/07/2023 11:16

She was stand offish and moody but nowhere near the same extent

Mental health issues don't excuse appalling behaviour. I've been (severely) depressed and still managed a please and thank you!

She's fucking rude!!

This

You can have mental health issues or other issues AND still be a rude asshole.

The two are not mutually exclusive.

Anklespraying · 16/07/2023 11:27

egowise · 16/07/2023 11:25

You've made it very clear here that you dislike her and think she has ulterior motives.

She's probably picked up on that.

Definitely.

Screamingabdabz · 16/07/2023 11:27

“…at the party she was seemingly ‘fine’ with her friends but blatantly ignored my husband and I which makes me think it must be personal”

It is. If she can be fine with her friends she’s just being a bitch. I wouldn’t be giving them a penny.

Anklespraying · 16/07/2023 11:28

Crikey everyone loves a pile on to call a woman a bitch don't they!

MenoRageisReal · 16/07/2023 11:30

She didn’t have DC until 37 (?) but didn’t get on the property ladder. Sounds like she landed on her feet with your DS and him having wealthy parents.

No way would I see my DS taken for a fool. Tell your DS that due to an unexpected financial matter, you can’t help them with buying a house. Make something up so as not to alienate him. Be interesting to see DIL’s reaction when you stop being a cash cow.

Agree! A pregnancy within weeks? Hmmmmm. I'm a staunch feminist who hates stereotypes but this does smack of choosing your DS for circumstances other than truuueeeee looooovvvveeee Wink

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 16/07/2023 11:31

It very simply sounds like she doesn't like you. Please don't hand over money to someone who actively dislikes you. I would be telling your son why you have decided against it too. People like your DIL count on people being pushovers, not wanting to rock the boat and let's be honest, most people would hand over the money and bitterly regret it after. She isn't a nice person.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 16/07/2023 11:33

Actually, changed my mind. Agree with above poster, you should make something up as to why you can't give them the money. You don't want to give her any ammunition.

Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 11:34

We have just spoken to him on the phone and had a frank conversation. We’ve told him how we feel and asked him if there’s any reason for her behaviour. He has said he is not allowed to discuss her feelings with us.
We have told him we are no longer gifting the money as we are uncomfortable with this. He is disappointed but understands.

OP posts:
CovertImage · 16/07/2023 11:34

Tourmalines · 16/07/2023 11:05

Ffs !

Show quote history

Yep. What a tortuous view of life and relationships

LadyGAgain · 16/07/2023 11:34

AssertiveGertrude · 16/07/2023 09:38

This behaviour is awful and I say that as a DIL
ignoring you and not thanking you for a special gift is pure bad manners

Did your son thank you for your special gift?

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 16/07/2023 11:37

Well done @SadMil it's a crap situation but at least you aren't gifting someone who is awful to you. Good luck with everything.

Thislittlepiggy89 · 16/07/2023 11:37

Don't make her another cup of tea.

Clowns2theleftofme · 16/07/2023 11:37

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Trifecta · 16/07/2023 11:37

I have a similar situation with my DIL. I know I’ve done nothing to offend—always careful not to overstep boundaries and accept that her mum is the preferred grandparent. She just doesn’t seem to care much for me.
When I’m over to visit she doesn’t converse, scrolls on her phone or disappears. Oh well, I put much less effort in these days.

TheBlinkOfAnEye · 16/07/2023 11:38

SadMil · 16/07/2023 11:34

We have just spoken to him on the phone and had a frank conversation. We’ve told him how we feel and asked him if there’s any reason for her behaviour. He has said he is not allowed to discuss her feelings with us.
We have told him we are no longer gifting the money as we are uncomfortable with this. He is disappointed but understands.

Playing devil's advocate, how convenient he isn't allowed to discuss things with you. Poor man. I hope he's not like my DH who will happily throw anyone under the bus to avoid being the bad guy.

Did your son thank you for the gift and include you in the party?

Rhondaa · 16/07/2023 11:38

'No way would I see my DS taken for a fool. Tell your DS that due to an unexpected financial matter, you can’t help them with buying a house. Make something up so as not to alienate him. Be interesting to see DIL’s reaction when you stop being a cash cow.'

Totally agree. Don't be provoked by her rudeness but absolutely do not give them a massive wodge of money. Just smile, nod and sadly keep your distance. This is awful as a grandchild is involved but I would just communicate through your ds don't mention the dil at all.

LightDrizzle · 16/07/2023 11:38

It sounds like you’ve got very unlucky.

You just have to make the best of it and bide your time. Don’t mention giving them money again and if either of them raise it, just say you’ve rethought in view of the CoL increase and potential future care costs.

I’d stop trying much with DIL but remain pleasant when she is around and cheerfully ignore the digs and snubs. Your son knows what’s going on so I’d spare him long conversations about it which would test his loyalties. Don’t speak negatively about her to him.

As the baby gets bigger, your opportunities to babysit and spend time together will probably increase as they are both less protective and more keen on getting a break, and the baby won’t remember its first couple of years so don’t fear you will never have a lovely relationship. It is entirely possible for you to be loved and valued grandparents without you and DIL ever getting beyond civility papering over mutual dislike. Don’t ever undermine her/their child rearing preferences and respect her and your son’s preeminence as the parents.

It’s not ideal but it will be less painful if you can let go of her relationship with you and just be patient. I know plenty of families where an uneasy truce exists between a parent an in-law but the grandparent grandchild relationship is happy and healthy.

drpet49 · 16/07/2023 11:38

Screamingabdabz · 16/07/2023 11:27

“…at the party she was seemingly ‘fine’ with her friends but blatantly ignored my husband and I which makes me think it must be personal”

It is. If she can be fine with her friends she’s just being a bitch. I wouldn’t be giving them a penny.

This. Leave the stupid cow to it.

CovertImage · 16/07/2023 11:40

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/07/2023 11:22

What was relationship like with her before baby and how often did you see her then? Did you help her out during her pregnancy?

What, by painting her portrait whilst she napped?

You're pretty determined to pin something on the OP eh?

FlamingoQueen · 16/07/2023 11:40

How sad. I’d love to have in-laws like you! Just keep being there for your son and grandchild.

TheBlinkOfAnEye · 16/07/2023 11:41

Trifecta · 16/07/2023 11:37

I have a similar situation with my DIL. I know I’ve done nothing to offend—always careful not to overstep boundaries and accept that her mum is the preferred grandparent. She just doesn’t seem to care much for me.
When I’m over to visit she doesn’t converse, scrolls on her phone or disappears. Oh well, I put much less effort in these days.

Don't take it personally. Many young people have an approach where they deal with their own families of origin rather than the woman being the social secretary these days.
My son in law often takes himself off for walks when we visit after a while. I don't take it as an insult. I know he struggles with visitors and that's how he copes. I'm still fond of him.

mangochops · 16/07/2023 11:41

From what you've said she sounds incredibly rude and unkind. I also agree that MH issues dont excuse that- she was able to be perfectly polite to others at party so if it was purely her MH then it wouldnt only be directed at you.

However, I am getting a vibe from your post that you think you son is the perfect dad, the perfect husband and he was "taken advantage of" by her. Maybe she did, who knows? But its rare in couples that one person is an angel and the other person is the devil. Sure, it can happen but your son chose her, he chose not to use protection and having a child isnt only her responsibility, its his too. You mentioned her being attractive- thats on him if that was mostly what he was swayed by when getting together with her isnt it? She cant have been the only attractive 30 something around, lots of women are very attractive in their 30s so why did he choose her specifically?

I am just not comfortable with this idea that she's some scheming femme fatale and your son was the innocent bystander who has been manipulated into becoming a father. I also agree with PP that you dont really know how he behaves at home behind closed doors, sure he gives a show of being a hands on dad but you cannot know 100%.

Its possible that both are happening- she is rude and standoffish and you are also stereotyping her as the bad guy in this situation whilst idolising your son. I think what would help is to have a more balanced view of both of them- she might not be as bad as you think and he might not be as angelic as you think.

Once we have a perception of someone, its hard not to let that show and she may be picking up on your inner disapproval. I would talk to your son- dont blame her but just say you'd like to develop a better relationship with her and see if he can suggest ways of doing this. Always try to work things out amicably first before resorting to tit for tat (the money) because this is only going to blow things up even further.

Anklespraying · 16/07/2023 11:42

So you went to a baby's first birthday party and the grandad is upset because he wasn't made a fuss of by the mother of the one year old!

And someone who normally has tea didn't drink it one time when they popped in!

Grandad has now gone off in a massive sulk and decided to keep his money.

What a pair of over grown babies you both are.

Nasty babies too, winding up people here to call her a bitch.

I'm not surprised she wants to keep her private life private from you, you are posting her mental health all over the internet!

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