Struggling with DIL

[SadMil]

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

It must have been traumatic for them.

She didn't drink the tea!

'I'm not surprised she wants to keep her private life private from you, you are posting her mental health all over the internet!'

It's an anonymous chat forum. If the dil is here and recognises herself then good! it may make her think twice about her very shit behaviour <is it you >.

Retract she will get the house and then your poor son could end up homeless.

This is solid advice. I was in a very similar situation and PIL behaviour just became unbearable so I had to take a massive step back. PILs were not happy about this as they didn't think they had done anything wrong and were downright awful to me.

@SadMil why did she need to thank you for the gift ? Was thank you from your DS not enough? I feel like there is always an expectation for daughter in laws to be involved with their PILs but the same isn't true for son in laws. For example I would always be expected to be profusely grateful for everything they did and if I didn't say thank you "on time" (ie within minutes of a card arriving by post) my DH would get it in the ear from my MIL. Whereas my mum never expects a thank you from DH for gifts for the kids or even when she buys him gifts for his bday.

Your language is quite interesting. She didn't "fall pregnant". Your son got her pregnant. A mentally ill woman he dismisses as having "moods". They barely knew each other before they became tied to each other for life. You have sympathy for your husband's mental health issues, but none for hers. Your husband definitely doesn't if he's decided he wants nothing more to do with her.

When someone is perfectly capable of being gracious and polite to everyone at a party EXCEPT the parent inlaws, who also happen to be expected to stump up gifts/money/effort as needed, that is not a mental health issue. That is being a rude asshole.

Few things stand out here.

She may not have liked the gift. In any case, she should have said thank you, unless your son did. She may have thought he had thanked you, given that it was a gift to their son. In such circumstances I’d generally expect my husband to thank his parents, particularly in the context of what sounds like a busy birthday party.

It sounds like the birthday party was busy and it may have been difficult to speak to everyone there. She may have expected your son to host you while she entertained some of their other guests. I don’t think that’s at all unreasonable.

You made her a cup of tea without asking. That was kind given you knew that’s what she liked but you didn’t ask and if she didn’t want one then it’s a bit awkward, isn’t it?

I think things clearly aren’t great between you but I’m struggling to deduce from these these examples that she’s a terrible person.

I think this is a really valid point, in a world where both parents work and get little downtime, it might be a rare moment for some downtime. We often visit our respective families without one another to get a break, it doesn't mean we don't like our partners families though! If my partners family is visiting I expect him to deal with the logistics and itinery for that, and him likewise.

This.

Yes I did acknowledge this! I just think
if the OP wants the relationship to improve it is worth considering that she may well have done or said something to upset the DIL - whether justified or not… at the end of the day she wants a relationship!

I'm not surprised she wants to keep her private life private from you, you are posting her mental health all over the internet!

It's an anonymous forum where the OP is genuinely asking for help and advice re how to FIX thing.

Always take one sided stories with a grain of salt. My MIL would probably post something very similar when the truth is I went over and beyond to include her. Boy could I give another side of the story. If I found such a post, I'd print it out, present it to my DH, and tell him this is what his mother thinks of my efforts, so she's his to deal with from now on.

I could also post, "When we visit my son in law regularly disappears, it's so rude!" Really though, I know it's how he deals with visits and accept it is what he needs. I still think he's really great and my daughter did well.

My sil was like this, they're getting divorced now. Don't gift them large sums of money, you will inevitably regret it

Clearly the mother doesn't want this grandparent FIXING her though does she?

Fix things. The relationship with the DIL. FFS.

😂😂😂

For all of the people defending the DIL, surely you wouldn't expect her to benefit from OP and her husband gifting money would you? Fair enough, she isn't interested, she doesn't have to be but no way should OP and her husband reward that. That would just be out of order wouldn't it? Benefitting from someone you can't even be bothered to say hello to at a party?

Well I can understand you are hurt but that is a very incendiary response to cut them off financially if you've said you'd help them out. It feels very petty.

This also jumped out from one of your previous comments:

I also had reservations as she’s 39, my son is 30 so the possibility that she just wanted a baby has crossed my mind

Did you articulate this to him? Could he have told her and that's why she's cold with you?

I think you were right to retract the money and back off. If the relationship ends as quickly as it began (it seems to have started precariously with a very early pregnancy) then she will likely keep the property including deposit. Yes she has mental health difficulties, yes a baby is exhausting and stressful, yes you may not be her sort of people but even considering all those factors she seems rude and obnoxious towards you. I'm interested in you saying that even before the baby she was stand offish and borderline rude so it just sounds like what she is like, at least towards you. If she got pregnant within weeks then presumably she had the baby within a year. Must people could manage to keep up polite "best behaviour" for the first year or so but she couldn't even be bothered to do that.

She's not doing that. She's here winding people up to call this new mum a bitch. And she's getting it too. Lot's of it.

I wouldn't expect a house deposit or generous financial gift from anyone, even ILs I loved to pieces and got on with famously.

Is that what happened though? Or did the OP just expect more than what everyone else got? Did the OP expect her to walk away from what she was doing to come and personally greet them as guests of honour when they arrived?

Seeing as she was the one who arranged the party, I imagine she was pretty busy with that, so maybe she assumed her partner, the OP's son, the baby's other parent, would have said hello to them and thanked them for the present.

I wonder if anyone has told her that her behaviour is being monitored and a tally kept of her "failings" to decide if money should be given or withheld?

Same @TheBlinkOfAnEye so in my opinion there's no harm done. OP and her DH should just get on with it, she isn't interested in a relationship with them, which is her right. They don't need to throw money at the situation. I know plenty who would though out of desperation. Its refreshing to see an OP that won't.

She knows you had your 'reservations' about the relationship. You think you hide it but you don't.

Her mum is non-judgemental and a safe space. She will always choose her. She doesn't feel judged by her friends. She is angry at you for some reason. All of these things will be coming into play. Back off a bit.

If you want to gift them money then do so graciously with no strings attached.

It's exhausting to be on the receiving end of expectations, even if you think you are being low-key.

It's probably a good idea not to. It will only add to OP's resentments.