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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this ok or is it stealing?

208 replies

Blurred4 · 15/07/2023 12:12

dm in hospital
real health issues currently suffering delerium won’t comply with nurses unless I encourage her as she is scared of them
been going to see her every day
had to organise a new phone and sim as she locked herself out of hers
been bringing her drinks and food she likes with pics calendars etc
mths hospital is 45 mins drive away and that with parking has taken its financial toll (I’m a single parent)
iv found myself today a week away from payday with almost nothing left
iv borrowed some of family but can’t ask more
I know my mum has her bank card with her and I know if she could consent she would I could then keep going for another week until I get paid. I know she will say yes now but I just worry as she lacks cApacity

im just trying to sell stuff
aibu to do this or just wait

OP posts:
BigGapMum · 15/07/2023 12:17

Is there any chance that the hospital can provide you with a free parking pass to visit your mother, if you ask and explain the circumstances? It sounds like your visits really help with her care.

Original poster
Blurred4 · 15/07/2023 12:19

Apparently they can’t. Or with travel. I have on some days parked away and walked but it’s hard with time etc.

OP posts:
LIZS · 15/07/2023 12:20

There may be funds to assist with costs, try Pals or the hospital social worker. Using her card without her explicit consent is risky.

HildasLostSock · 15/07/2023 12:21

Does she lack capacity generally or is it likely temporary/the result of her current delirium and health issues? If you think that she would say yes if she did have capacity then whilst its not an ideal situation I'd say needs must and I wouldn't judge you especially if its a one off. Plus one of the reasons that you are struggling is because you need to care for her which takes money that you don't have. If it worries you, consider it a loan that you would pay back when you could.

LemonsOnTheMelons · 15/07/2023 12:22

YANBU. I would do it. She’s your mum and she wouldn’t want to see you struggle.

I know my mum would be the same, especially if it was either that or not visit at all.

Don’t beat yourself up. I hope she’s okay 💐

Curtains70 · 15/07/2023 12:24

My Mum would expect me to do this. YANBU

OneTC · 15/07/2023 12:25

I look after my mum, and I need to be able to keep on doing it. Whilst I haven't personally experienced your situation I know that my mum's view (when she had capacity) would be to have used her money to cover care expenses, if I was ever unable to meet the costs myself. I would not view your situation as any different.

Just out of interest do you or anyone in your family have power of attorney set up?

lionsleepstonight · 15/07/2023 12:26

Can you take just what you've spent taking care of her, to cover the parking, the food and phone?

As much as people may think you should cover as she's your mum, if you dont have it, you dont have it.

I can't imagine your mum would expect you to cover those expenses if they leave you short.

Readyplayerthr33 · 15/07/2023 12:26

Why don’t you use her card to buy the stuff she needs? Instead of your own money.

Even if, for some odd reason, adult social services got involved, they wouldn’t look at that as unreasonable. You’re allowed to do that. Keep your receipts. Just take back the money it is costing you to look after her etc.

Fairyliz · 15/07/2023 12:26

I’m probably old enough to be your mum and I certainly wouldn’t want any of my children to get into financial difficulties because of me.
I would just say keep a record of what you spend money on to ensure it’s strictly related to your mums needs so cost of phone, food parking etc

wutheringkites · 15/07/2023 12:29

If you have her PIN then use her card but if you have siblings who might question this at a later date, clear it with them first.

This is why everyone should set up a Lasting Power of Attorney.

Oysterbabe · 15/07/2023 12:31

I don't think it's right to take money from someone without capacity and yes it would be classed as stealing.

rose69 · 15/07/2023 12:31

I would use the cards for the things she needs and parking expenses. She would be in a worse position if you were not visiting.

Original poster
Blurred4 · 15/07/2023 12:33

Readyplayerthr33 · 15/07/2023 12:26

Why don’t you use her card to buy the stuff she needs? Instead of your own money.

Even if, for some odd reason, adult social services got involved, they wouldn’t look at that as unreasonable. You’re allowed to do that. Keep your receipts. Just take back the money it is costing you to look after her etc.

This is what I was thinking of doing keeping reciepts. Because to keep her recovering from delirium she needs me there as much as I can be. She only takes her meds when I remind her it’s safe and ok
I know she would consent as the day after her op she was trying to give me money and I said no (hadn’t realised how it would turn out) I had told her if I need any I would come to her, and now is that time
I have tried to sell some bits but not really got anywhere. I didn’t want to have to ask her for help

OP posts:
BrassTrim · 15/07/2023 12:33

I wouldn't give this a second thought. My mum would absolutely want me to use her card and I'd want my dc to do the same if I was in your mum's situation

cocksstrideintheevening · 15/07/2023 12:34

When Dts were in NICU we were
Able
To park for £10 every seven days, got the vouchers from PALS.

Pottedpalm · 15/07/2023 12:34

Definitely take what you need. Keep a record of what you are spending but I really can’t imagine anyone is going to query it unless you are taking ridiculous amounts, which you won’t be.

OdeToBarney · 15/07/2023 12:36

I would do it in your shoes. Your mum wouldn't want you to struggle.

Thelittleweasel · 15/07/2023 12:36

@Blurred4

"It will be a defence to a theft charge if you can show that you had a genuine belief that you had the legal right to appropriate the property; the owner would have consented; or the owner cannot be discovered by taking reasonable steps."

[Theft Act 1968]

LemonsOnTheMelons · 15/07/2023 12:37

Oysterbabe · 15/07/2023 12:31

I don't think it's right to take money from someone without capacity and yes it would be classed as stealing.

Don’t be so silly. No decent mother wants their child to struggle, especially when said mother really needs them anyway.

GeneJeanie · 15/07/2023 12:38

Do you have (financial) power of attorney? Has she had a best interests decision?

euff · 15/07/2023 12:40

Yes its technically wrong but anyone looking into it would weigh it up and see it as in her best interests whilst she lacks capacity at this time. I say this having worked in adult social care. There's a massive difference in people doing what you intend and people taking money to benefit themselves. I would look into formalising things asap if she is losing capacity or has frequent episodes where she lacks capacity.

jessycake · 15/07/2023 12:40

I would say yes , to cover the extra expenses, your mum would want that and be distressed if you can't see her.

Original poster
Blurred4 · 15/07/2023 12:40

GeneJeanie · 15/07/2023 12:38

Do you have (financial) power of attorney? Has she had a best interests decision?

I don’t think so? This is a very new situation
I do have consent in my mums housing and the hospital though as she gave that

OP posts:
Original poster
Blurred4 · 15/07/2023 12:41

euff · 15/07/2023 12:40

Yes its technically wrong but anyone looking into it would weigh it up and see it as in her best interests whilst she lacks capacity at this time. I say this having worked in adult social care. There's a massive difference in people doing what you intend and people taking money to benefit themselves. I would look into formalising things asap if she is losing capacity or has frequent episodes where she lacks capacity.

This is the first time and I’m told delirium is temporary
she is getting better and I did discuss it with her and she said yes of course but I’m worried she may not fully understand
I think I will let nurses know,
write it down for her and keep receipts
I don’t want to go a day without seeing her

OP posts:
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