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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this ok or is it stealing?

208 replies

Blurred4 · 15/07/2023 12:12

dm in hospital
real health issues currently suffering delerium won’t comply with nurses unless I encourage her as she is scared of them
been going to see her every day
had to organise a new phone and sim as she locked herself out of hers
been bringing her drinks and food she likes with pics calendars etc
mths hospital is 45 mins drive away and that with parking has taken its financial toll (I’m a single parent)
iv found myself today a week away from payday with almost nothing left
iv borrowed some of family but can’t ask more
I know my mum has her bank card with her and I know if she could consent she would I could then keep going for another week until I get paid. I know she will say yes now but I just worry as she lacks cApacity

im just trying to sell stuff
aibu to do this or just wait

OP posts:
FabFitFifties · 15/07/2023 13:23

Sorry for typos

Blossomtoes · 15/07/2023 13:24

Curtains70 · 15/07/2023 12:24

My Mum would expect me to do this. YANBU

My mum would have done too. And I’d definitely want my adult child to.

Original poster
Blurred4 · 15/07/2023 13:24

Roselilly36 · 15/07/2023 13:16

I wouldn’t do it for a number of reasons, the bank could class it as theft/fraud, as you are not the owner of the bank account/card. You do not have POA. I would urge you to get this in place, it will make things a lot easier should your mum be incapacitated in future

Hospital car parking is very expensive, I agree.

What I would suggest is using a p&r to get to the hospital, this will be cheaper than the parking closet if you are spending a lot of time with your mum,or if you are fit enough, park on the street free, as close as you can to the hospital.

I have to use my own transport due to my responsibilities as home and time constraints

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 15/07/2023 13:25

Yes I would for travel and her food expenses. I'd keep receipts and tell her when she's well enough. She's going to want to see you and have thing brought for her.

madroid · 15/07/2023 13:26

Just do it and don't tell anyone else, it's not their business. If you are sure your mum would be ok with it and it's for her benefit then that is enough.

Original poster
Blurred4 · 15/07/2023 13:27

saraclara · 15/07/2023 13:15

That's fine, but you should still keep a record of your expenses in car if any challenge. Saying you're borrowing from her, sounds wrong. What you're actually doing is withdrawing the money to cover your expenses for the coming week, otherwise you can't see her.

I can't believe that some people here think it's better that your mum doesn't get to see you for a week, then for you to withdraw some expenses from her account so that she can.

Show quote history

I’m just scared as delirium is worsened by not having familiarity around you
they have all said that when I’m there or after I call she is much much better and when she hasn’t complied with medication I just ask her and she does
she’s never needed me so much in her life abs I can’t bear the thought of not being there
ill ask my aunt and uncle first and then see how that goes

OP posts:
Peachy2005 · 15/07/2023 13:27

If you have her PIN, she has clearly trusted you to pay with her card or withdraw cash for her in the past. You say she has given consent recently but you worry someone might query her capacity. I think you are overthinking it: just keep the receipts and a written record.

Her card shouldn’t be left in her hospital room. You don’t need to clear it with the nurses: you may get some jobsworth reporting you through lack of understanding that you truly cannot afford the expenses your mum has incurred, have run through all your own spare cash covering her expenses (food/phone etc) and will be unable to see your mum (to her detriment) otherwise.

My housebound neighbour gives me her card and PIN to take out cash for her…does the PP @Roselilly think the bank might come after me for fraud?

Baisksomwms · 15/07/2023 13:28

Use her card!
Of course, you're her child, but legally you don't have to do anything. You've been looking after her for free, using your own money for transport etc when you're skint.
She wouldn't want you to be out of pocket.
My mother wouldn't and neither would I bedrudge my own kids!

LeilaRose777 · 15/07/2023 13:29

Use her card, keep the receipts and talk to her about it when she's better. It's not really stealing because she would certainly say yes if she wasn't ill. Don't be so hard on yourself. I hope you mum makes a good recovery.

starfishmummy · 15/07/2023 13:30

Chowtime · 15/07/2023 13:13

I'd do it don't tell the hospital staff though because they'll be twattish about it.

There's no "twattish" about it. If told and they do nothing they will be colluding in a situation which is legally dodgy at best and which at worst could be investigated as either theft or financial abuse.

They also need to cover themselves because money going missing from a patient who is lacking capacity could be blamed on the staff.

cyncope · 15/07/2023 13:30

I would use the card and I would also take her purse/handbag home with you as it risks being stolen by staff or other patients in hospital.

Comtesse · 15/07/2023 13:32

Do what needs to be done. And keep the receipts. Flowers

Titfortat78 · 15/07/2023 13:33

I don’t think any parent would want to see they’re son or daughter struggling financially while supporting them in hospital.

Createausername1970 · 15/07/2023 13:34

Technically it could be classed as stealing, but I would do it as the absolute last resort.

But keep a notebook of all the visits, parking etc., everything you are spending so if needed you can show further down the line what everything cost, what you covered out of your own pocket and what you needed help with.

user1471538283 · 15/07/2023 13:35

If you were mine I would absolutely want you to take some money whether I could consent to it or not. Despite my DS being an adult I will always, always help him.

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 15/07/2023 13:40

YANBU. Just tot up what you're spending on petrol, parking, food that you're bringing her and take out a sum to cover it. She wouldn't want you to struggle.

fridaynight1 · 15/07/2023 13:40

When visiting very sick patients most hospitals will waiver the car park fee. Speak to the ward sister. We just press the buzzer on exit and they let us out.

Use your mums card. Keep a list and receipts of everything you pay for.

ItsReallyOnlyMe · 15/07/2023 13:42

If you have siblings I would check with them before you do anything.

RobertsRadio · 15/07/2023 13:43

Just take her card and withdraw the money you need to cover all the expenses you have incurred so far, so to cover all parking and petrol costs to and from hospital and for all the food items for your Mum. Keep receipts.

Do Not discuss with the nursing staff or in fact anyone else, this is between you and your Mum, no one else needs to know or get involved. You know your Mum's wishes on this matter, she has already tried to give you cash.

Also, your Mum's debit card should not be left in the hospital, remove it and keep it with you.

Please try not to stress so much over this, it is the right thing to do in the circumstances and you know your Mum would approve and would want to cover your expenses in order for you to continue your visits.

Tinkietot · 15/07/2023 13:43

Within reason yes it’s fine, if you go buy a 50 inch TV isn’t not. Petrol and food is fine, and keep the receipts.

Double check, our hospital is a major one and they have a parking pass you can buy for the month rather than daily. Helped massively when pregnant and I was back and forth loads with issues.

InSpainTheRain · 15/07/2023 13:46

I think you should just take some money to continue seeing her. I had a similar thing with my DDad when he was in hospital. My car broke down (it wasn't worth repairing), I knew my DDad would pass away as he had cancer. I took his car and used it - it's what he would have wanted anyway and I could continue to see him see him (obviously I arranged insurance etc).

Twillow · 15/07/2023 13:48

I think it's absolutely fine to use her card to buy her things (plus cover what you have already spent) and to cover your expenses like parking and travel. You know what she would say if she was feeling better.

mangochops · 15/07/2023 13:49

OP- its fine as long as you are transparent about it. Write it down, keep receipts. Tell any siblings etc. The thing about fraud/stealing is that its hidden, secret, planned, and usually about greed. This isnt that. Your mum wouldnt want you to be in this position so use it but keep records if you need to show anyone.

Purplecatshopaholic · 15/07/2023 13:52

I wouldn’t think twice about this. Stealing? Good grief, the op is helping her mum!

giraffetrousers · 15/07/2023 13:53

starfishmummy · 15/07/2023 13:30

There's no "twattish" about it. If told and they do nothing they will be colluding in a situation which is legally dodgy at best and which at worst could be investigated as either theft or financial abuse.

They also need to cover themselves because money going missing from a patient who is lacking capacity could be blamed on the staff.

Show quote history

This. Its not twattish- people who work in healthcare have a duty of care to report any concerns around financial safeguarding. They do it because they have training about it and have to. It isnt about them being "twattish" FFS.

OP- what you are paying for are expenses to visit your mum, just keep records and receipts. This isnt financial abuse, its fine.