Is this ok or is it stealing?

[Blurred4]

dm in hospital
real health issues currently suffering delerium won’t comply with nurses unless I encourage her as she is scared of them
been going to see her every day
had to organise a new phone and sim as she locked herself out of hers
been bringing her drinks and food she likes with pics calendars etc
mths hospital is 45 mins drive away and that with parking has taken its financial toll (I’m a single parent)
iv found myself today a week away from payday with almost nothing left
iv borrowed some of family but can’t ask more
I know my mum has her bank card with her and I know if she could consent she would I could then keep going for another week until I get paid. I know she will say yes now but I just worry as she lacks cApacity

im just trying to sell stuff
aibu to do this or just wait

Well if I was your mum I'd be so grateful you were caring for me anyway but I wouldn't even question you using my card.

Go ahead

Just get on and spend the money you need to keep visiting your mum.

Maybe it’s technically illegal (though I think there’s a good case it isn’t - as a PP said it’s not stealing if the person would have consented).

However I think everyone would, in certain circumstances, disagree something illegal to protect someone they loved.

I think this is quite clearly a situation where the morally correct thing is to take a small anoint of money so you can look after your mum.

Of course use your mums money. You know she wouldn’t mind. These expenses are her expenses really aren’t they. Don’t discuss with the nurses. That puts them in an awkward position.

I wouldn’t think twice about it. You shouldn’t be out of pocket for helping her. She wouldn’t want you to, would she?

S.V.P. operate in England and Wales too. I don't know about Scotland but don't see why not.

In my area we also have an organisation which supports carers. Here it is NEWCIS (North East Wales) but there may be something similar in your area OP.

Yes I think you could ask them to assess her capacity about this decision. It is a minefield!

No, I wouldn't consider that stealing at all. If you've bought her a new phone, SIM and other bits, I think it's absolutely fine to reimburse yourself but as soon as she's well, explain the situation. As others have suggested, if you have siblings, for the sake of transparency let them know too. That way no one can come back to you at a later date and accuse you of helping yourself.

I oversee the care for my dad and I use his debit card (with his permission) all the time for all his various purchases. If he was incapacitated and needed things, I know he would be fine with me using the card.

It will be if she asks for an assessment! Just draw the money out and keep the receipts @Blurred4.

I would use her card for all expenses related to your Mom. Keep receipts, and if you have receipts from what you have already spent on hospital parking etc refund yourself. I know it is not ideal solution but in these circumstances the money is being spent to help her. Hope you are doing ok op, it is a very hard situation to be in.

This is the best advice. Really chances are that this never becomes a big deal. But in case it does you will have the paper trail that you were acting in her best interest. It sounds like if you recoup what you’ve spent on her already then you’ll have the money you need to travel to be with her.

I was in a similar situation with my mum and just made sure I kept records any time money was involved. Eventually I gained POA so that helped.

On the IPhone thing you may be out of luck until she regains cognitive function. My mum did the same thing and I was able to get it unbricked but she still had to contact Apple to have her password verified/reset. In our case I just set up a loaner phone for her so she had something. It wasn’t ideal but it was better than nothing.

If you are a single parent and you have virtually nothing left for the week it makes sense to be reimbursed for things like the phone, it isn't just for you as you might need things for the children. If you don't then obviously take some money for what she needs this week and just keep receipts.

This may not be relevant (US law) but similar enough systems that it may be. I was able to get POA even while her cognitive ability was diminished. I called her family attorney and explained the situation. I was told that while she may have diminished cognitive ability that didn’t mean that she was unable to consent to financial matters. So I told the attorney to help her with the forms and that the fee would be paid by my mum and I wanted on record that the attorney was to act on behalf of my mum’s interests.

That was a pain in the ass but it meant that I could keep her bills paid while she recovered.

My mum would have been like this. She gave me some petrol money each week as I took her shopping and various appointments. She did get attendance allowance which was for something like this. I really appreciated it when dh was made redundant.

My huband uses my card all the time come think of it. Never been questioned once! Be fair to yourself OP, you're only trying to keep the show on the road here. You're really not doing anything wrong. I hope your mam improves soon and life gets a bit easier for you all x

TBF you are married so any money is both of yours.
OP has no legal contract with her mother...

Marriage doesn’t automatically entitle you to each others’ money unless it’s in a joint account. I’m pretty sure the banks don’t see it that way.

@Peachy2005 I wouldn’t put myself in that position personally, it will be against the issuing banks rules, atm’s have cameras, unless you have POA or an additional card on the neighbours accounts. Entirely your call, off course.

I had similR with my grandad when he was in hospital. I was 18 and going as much as I could but I was working full time and getting things he needed and collecting his pension putting it in the bank etc. I was struggling to even pay for the bus. He had always said to me if you need it it's yours. I did use a little bit. I was struggling to pay bills and taking time off work to get things he needed so lost income. Unfortuantly he never left the hospital as he passed away. But you know your mum and I think it's fair to take what you have spent as long ad you tell when she's well enough to understand. If you can't survive and you are being a lovely daughter looking after her then she won't want you struggling. I would 100% want my kids to take what they needed in this situation

Oops sorry that's not what I meant!
Because money is shared in a marriage it's quite common for people to use each other's cards. Even in popular culture 'give my wife my credit card' (although that's a bit sexist).

It's far less accepted for children to be using their parents' cards, in the UK and in MN it's 'you're on your own' as an adult...

Sharing PINs and using someone else's card is normally against the terms and conditions of the card issuer. The bank would frown upon you accessing your mum’s funds even if it is to pay for your out of pocket expenses. It may be worth considering having you added as an additional card holder incase of future issues, if that is what your mum would like to do. It would also be sensible to get sorted out with power of attorney (solicitor is not required in most instances), assuming that your mum will have sufficient capacity to do so.

Personally I would exhaust all other avenues for finance, including asking if it would be possible to have an advance on my pay, checking out what parking discounts I could secure before using the bank credit card of someone (including accessing my husbands bank account) where there are questions over capacity, even if lack of capacity is only temporary. But the nature of my employment has meant I have to be whiter than white regarding financial matters.

So I went up today and all her purse and any bank cards she had were gone
what do I do?
im going to call her banks but I won’t know all of them
everything is just such a mess I don’t know what to do for the best anymore

Did you ask the ward sister? If she's delirious its possible that they've locked her valuables away, as she's unable to protect them herself.

If you're home, call the ward and ask. Don't call the bank unless they're genuinely missing and the ward staff can't find them

Iv asked the banks I know of to block her cards and will see if I can see them again tomorow. Cash from her bag was also missing would have been change
I feel so sad about all of this she’s so vulnerable you don’t think that will happen in hospital

That’s terrible. Scum bags.

She’s supposed to have had a 1:1 carer all night