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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this ok or is it stealing?

208 replies

Blurred4 · 15/07/2023 12:12

dm in hospital
real health issues currently suffering delerium won’t comply with nurses unless I encourage her as she is scared of them
been going to see her every day
had to organise a new phone and sim as she locked herself out of hers
been bringing her drinks and food she likes with pics calendars etc
mths hospital is 45 mins drive away and that with parking has taken its financial toll (I’m a single parent)
iv found myself today a week away from payday with almost nothing left
iv borrowed some of family but can’t ask more
I know my mum has her bank card with her and I know if she could consent she would I could then keep going for another week until I get paid. I know she will say yes now but I just worry as she lacks cApacity

im just trying to sell stuff
aibu to do this or just wait

OP posts:
Original poster
Blurred4 · 15/07/2023 21:00

saraclara · 15/07/2023 19:07

Did you ask the ward sister? If she's delirious its possible that they've locked her valuables away, as she's unable to protect them herself.

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I hope it’s the case her cash has gone too! I know she had some notes and change in and that’s all gone! She’s very mistrustful of the staff

OP posts:
Original poster
Blurred4 · 15/07/2023 21:01

saltinesandcoffeecups · 15/07/2023 16:06

This is the best advice. Really chances are that this never becomes a big deal. But in case it does you will have the paper trail that you were acting in her best interest. It sounds like if you recoup what you’ve spent on her already then you’ll have the money you need to travel to be with her.

I was in a similar situation with my mum and just made sure I kept records any time money was involved. Eventually I gained POA so that helped.

On the IPhone thing you may be out of luck until she regains cognitive function. My mum did the same thing and I was able to get it unbricked but she still had to contact Apple to have her password verified/reset. In our case I just set up a loaner phone for her so she had something. It wasn’t ideal but it was better than nothing.

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Yes this is what I have done for now with temporary accounts on social media so she can’t contact people

OP posts:
uncomfortablydumb53 · 15/07/2023 21:07

Personally I would use her card
I have adult DCs and would never want them to go short while helping with my needs
I would keep a list of what you take out obviously
I wouldn't consider it stealing,no
YANBU

saraclara · 15/07/2023 21:12

Blurred4 · 15/07/2023 21:00

I hope it’s the case her cash has gone too! I know she had some notes and change in and that’s all gone! She’s very mistrustful of the staff

Show quote history

Have you called the ward? They will tell you if they've taken her purse for safekeeping.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 15/07/2023 21:20

Sorry missed your last post
Ask the ward sister if they have locked her valuables away
They usually do( and should have written an inventory)

OnTheBoardwalk · 15/07/2023 21:59

If you’ve blocked the cards then you are really going to financially struggle without the cash you've already paid out

did you speak to the ward sister before you cancelled the cards?

saraclara · 15/07/2023 22:15

OnTheBoardwalk · 15/07/2023 21:59

If you’ve blocked the cards then you are really going to financially struggle without the cash you've already paid out

did you speak to the ward sister before you cancelled the cards?

Yep, that's worrying me, too.

Did you get them blocked completely, or temporarily frozen, @Blurred4 ?
If the former, not only can you not use her cards, but she will have to have new ones issued when she's home. And if she needs something in hospital when her delirium passes, she has no means of paying.

Original poster
Blurred4 · 15/07/2023 22:16

I blocked them - I was worried others would use the money and she would be left with nothing
I have a loan from my aunt abs uncle to get through thankfully
no I didn’t

OP posts:
Original poster
Blurred4 · 15/07/2023 22:17

No they are temporarily blocked and if she calls them they will
unfreeze

OP posts:
Original poster
Blurred4 · 15/07/2023 22:18

And by then I will get paid
I actually owe her some money which I will keep by to see her through if needed rather than pay into her bank as planned

OP posts:
OnTheBoardwalk · 15/07/2023 22:31

How much cash was in the missing purse? I honestly would have used that for some expenses knowing my mum wouldn’t have minded?

dont pay her any cash you currently owe her

OliveWah · 15/07/2023 23:48

What a stressful situation for you, I'm really glad your Aunt and Uncle have offered you a loan, although I think it would have been fine for you to use your DM's card.

I've only just come across this thread, and when I started reading I thought I would post a warning about my experience of having my bank card details taken when I was on a ward a few years ago, but unfortunately it looks like I might have been too late - unless the staff have decided to lock her things away for safe keeping.

When I was on a ward a few years ago, I had left my handbag containing my purse in my locker at the side of the bed, when I was taken down for a CT scan. Later that day I went to look in my handbag for something and found my bank card floating around loose in the bag and I was sure it had been in my purse. The next day, I had a message from my bank asking me to approve a transaction for an ASDA click and collect purchase for over £170! Luckily I was able to report it as fraud, but it proves that there are some people out there who are willing to take advantage of people at their most vulnerable, it's shocking really. I hope your Mum feels much better very soon.Flowers

msmatcha · 16/07/2023 11:41

You know your Mum would agree to you using her money to help you with her care. So this is not stealing.

LIZS · 16/07/2023 12:03

Have you reported the purse and cards missing to the ward matron? They will not want to be accused of theft or abuse but may have taken it for safekeeping if she were fretting about money.

Original poster
Blurred4 · 16/07/2023 14:25

Hey well I did today and it is in the safe lol. Thank goodness I was so worried and now feel so much better I started to mistrust them too for a bit there!

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 16/07/2023 14:46

Ahhh that good OP. Relief.

Floralnomad · 16/07/2023 14:47

That is a relief , and it’s good that your uncle and aunt could loan you some money , hope your mum is home soon 💐

Mountainpika · 16/07/2023 14:58

My aunt who lived 300 miles away got me a card on her account so I could pay her bills when she got to the point of finding it difficult herself. I set up to do it online. Eventually she moved into a care home near me and I used her card to get cash for her and to buy anything she wanted and any expenses I incurred on her behalf. I also had power of attorney for her.
I'd say of course you can use her money for her needs and care, including parking costs, OP.

OliveWah · 16/07/2023 17:24

@Blurred4 How's your DM doing today? It's great news that you've been able to track the bank card down!

I remember being about 19 in the late 90's and my Nan being in hospital, but she needed some bills paid. She wrote a letter addressed to the teller at the bank asking them to release some cash from her bank account to me, the "bearer of this letter" so I could pay her water bill for her, and they did so happily, even asking after my Nan and sending their best wishes - how times (and fraud detection and data protection) have changed!

MrsPositivity1 · 16/07/2023 17:39

Use the card and keep parking receipts just in case. Your mum is benefiting so much more than the cost of the parking by you being there

Pamalot · 16/07/2023 17:53

Do it but dont tell anyone as technically it is illegal of you dont have power of attorney. Withdraw cash dont put in your bank.

Silvers11 · 16/07/2023 18:15

Well, as you've cancelled the cards, even if only temporarily, you won't be able to use them anyway. But if you have been spending Money to take her things in etc that she needed, then it would have been perfectly acceptable to have used her card to pay for these things. Particularly as she offered you money

Absolutely NOT stealing and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Sleepytiredyawn · 16/07/2023 18:17

You poor thing. I’ve been through this with my Mum earlier in the year. Whilst in the delirium she asked me if I wanted money, I didn’t want or need any but you do feel like it would be easy to be accused of wrong doing. I’m sure if you do what other posters have said and use her card for her things and keep receipts it’ll be fine.

mummee03 · 16/07/2023 18:22

I totally agree. My mum would be the same and just keep a track or what u have spent and why

Mumtothreegirlies · 16/07/2023 18:25

I would use the card and pay her back. I don’t think any loving mother would want to see their child struggle if they knew they could help.