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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relationship dealbreaker? Can't/won't earn more money

197 replies

prawncrackersforlife · 15/07/2023 09:39

When we first bought our house, we set up a joint account into which we both pay a proportion of our wages. It was around 60/40 split based on our earnings, with me paying the 60%

Over time, he has reduced his working hours gradually. He used to do 4 days in an office, then it went to 3 days working from home, now it's 1 or 2 days. It's freelance, so he says it's because the main company he works for has cut back on freelance hours.

I work 5 days a week, usually 10 to 12 hours a day.

With bills increasing, food costs, energy, increase in mortgage etc, it requires more and more in the joint account to keep in the black. There have been months when he couldn't pay his 'share' into the joint account, so I had to cover it. Whenever we need to top up the joint account, he says he doesn't have any money, so I end up putting more in.

It's happened gradually, so it's only when I did some account checking that I realised I've been paying on average 80% of the money we need each month into the joint account. Some months, it's 100%.

He's said that he's happy with the money he has, and doesn't want to work more than he does. I feel like he's using me to bankroll a comfortable life.

AIBU?

OP posts:
WildestDreams3 · 15/07/2023 09:42

I wouldn't be happy about this either. You had an agreement of a 60/40 split and slowly this has evolved to you covering 80-100 without a discussion.

Have you spoken to him about it and let him know how you feel? With everything going up constantly, I would definitely raise it with him and ask him for suggestions of how to tackle it

SavBlancTonight · 15/07/2023 10:02

Of course he's happy with how much money he has and how much he works- he doesn't have tomworry about the mortgage or the bills.

Obviously, there are a few things to consider here. As he works so little, does he contribute in other ways eg all housework, cooking, childcare etc? If I was working long hours and my partner was taking on all the heavy lifting at home I would be more sympathetic to him working less than.if he's sitting around watching TV and leaving it all to me.

SpinachSpinachMoreSpinach · 15/07/2023 10:03

This would be a deal breaker for me

BitOutOfPractice · 15/07/2023 10:04

I’d be happy working 2 days a week and having a full time salary lifestyle too. Who wouldn’t be?

meanwhile you’re working double time for a part time lifestyle.

he needs a good dose of “life’s not fucking like that sonny jim”. Because financially, you’d be better off single.

UndercoverCop · 15/07/2023 10:05

There's little more unattractive than a man who won't support himself , you wanted a partner not a dependent

Over40Overdating · 15/07/2023 10:05

Well of course he’s happy not to earn more money with you to subsidise him. Laziness and greed are very unattractive qualities.

If he’s happy to pay nothing then he’ll be happy for you to have a bigger proportion of the house sale value when you give him his marching orders, surely?

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 15/07/2023 10:06

He's happy with the money he has because he's keeping it all. If I got to keep 100% of my earnings as fun money I'd work far less as well!

He's taking advantage of you.

GabriellaMontez · 15/07/2023 10:07

I bet he's happy!! Few financial or work responsibilities and a comfortable lifestyle (while you slave).

No DC?

SlipperyLizard · 15/07/2023 10:08

I was fine with DH earning a fraction of what I did when we agreed he’d take a step back from full time work to be around for the kids more.

Once the kids were old enough to not need picking up from school, he went back to full time work. If he hadn’t, I’d feel the same as you - working a stressful job so someone else can live an easy life.

This would be a relationship ender for me.

Original poster
prawncrackersforlife · 15/07/2023 10:08

Thanks for the perspective everyone. @BitOutOfPractice , I hadn't even considered the knock-on effect of him being able to live like he's on a full time wage meaning I'm having to live like I'm on a part-time one.

Housework mostly falls to me. He washes up most days, but the majority of other cleaning is done by me. His tolerance for acceptable cleanliness is much higher than mine.

OP posts:
FiddleLeaf · 15/07/2023 10:08

He must be thrilled working twice a week with no financial issues because his mum (you) will take care of it.

It’s disrespectful & deeply unattractive.

AtrociousCircumstance · 15/07/2023 10:12

He’s using you. Leeching off you and feels entitled to. Doesn’t even pull his weight at home.

He has no respect for you. He’s selfish and lazy. Get rid. He’ll fight to keep you - but as a meal ticket, not out of love.

Nevermind31 · 15/07/2023 10:15

Tell him you are going part time, so you now need to share bills 50/50. See what he says.
of course he has enough money… he doesn’t pay any bills.

Howyiz · 15/07/2023 10:16

Why have you allowed this? How can you feel any attraction to a man that is literally behaving like an overgrown teenager. Part time job with only a few chores? To be fair even a teenager would also, usually, be in full time education.

So he in fact does less than a teenager, while you cover the full time 'adulting' role.

SavBlancTonight · 15/07/2023 10:17

prawncrackersforlife · 15/07/2023 10:08

Thanks for the perspective everyone. @BitOutOfPractice , I hadn't even considered the knock-on effect of him being able to live like he's on a full time wage meaning I'm having to live like I'm on a part-time one.

Housework mostly falls to me. He washes up most days, but the majority of other cleaning is done by me. His tolerance for acceptable cleanliness is much higher than mine.

Yuck. Cocklodger.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 15/07/2023 10:19

I think there's probably a balance to be had between working 10-12 hour days, five days a week and only working a couple of 8 hour days.

But he's taking the piss. If there are no freelance hours then he needs to go and get himself another job.

FloweryName · 15/07/2023 10:19

Of course he’s happy with the money he has, he doesn’t have to take responsibility for paying the basics in life and can just enjoy having pocket money. I’d find that attitude really unattractive.

FromNowOn23 · 15/07/2023 10:20

Do you have children? How old are you both?

Houseplantmad · 15/07/2023 10:21

If you’re questioning it on here then it’s time to do something about it. This is your future you’re describing. How does that feel as a prospect?

BitOutOfPractice · 15/07/2023 10:23

So it’s not only financially you’d be better off @prawncrackersforlife then?

what is he actually for?!

LyricalGangsta · 15/07/2023 10:23

Cocklodger
Get rid

Howdoesitworkagain · 15/07/2023 10:25

You’ve already heard it, but yep you’ve got a cocklodger. Get rid.

Dotcheck · 15/07/2023 10:27

Married? Children?
If not, then it’s so easy to get rid

Endlesssummer2022 · 15/07/2023 10:28

He sounds deeply deeply unattractive. Does he have no shame? I’d be embarrassed to be with this man.

WandaWonder · 15/07/2023 10:28

UndercoverCop · 15/07/2023 10:05

There's little more unattractive than a man who won't support himself , you wanted a partner not a dependent

How does it work the other way then? Women are dependant on men all the time