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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Relationship dealbreaker? Can't/won't earn more money

197 replies

prawncrackersforlife · 15/07/2023 09:39

When we first bought our house, we set up a joint account into which we both pay a proportion of our wages. It was around 60/40 split based on our earnings, with me paying the 60%

Over time, he has reduced his working hours gradually. He used to do 4 days in an office, then it went to 3 days working from home, now it's 1 or 2 days. It's freelance, so he says it's because the main company he works for has cut back on freelance hours.

I work 5 days a week, usually 10 to 12 hours a day.

With bills increasing, food costs, energy, increase in mortgage etc, it requires more and more in the joint account to keep in the black. There have been months when he couldn't pay his 'share' into the joint account, so I had to cover it. Whenever we need to top up the joint account, he says he doesn't have any money, so I end up putting more in.

It's happened gradually, so it's only when I did some account checking that I realised I've been paying on average 80% of the money we need each month into the joint account. Some months, it's 100%.

He's said that he's happy with the money he has, and doesn't want to work more than he does. I feel like he's using me to bankroll a comfortable life.

AIBU?

OP posts:

UndercoverCop · 15/07/2023 10:29

@WandaWonder I'm not and never would be. Grown adults should be self sufficient

SouthCountryGirl · 15/07/2023 10:30

Is there illness / disability preventing him working more?

Butterlover1 · 15/07/2023 10:31

Get rid, he's a complete piss taker

Original poster

prawncrackersforlife · 15/07/2023 10:34

No children (he's never wanted to be a dad, and I have medical conditions that would make pregnancy high-risk for my own health)

I'm nearly 40, he's late 40s.

He has depression, but it's managed fairly well with ADs. He says working more might make his depression worse, but I've not seen evidence of that.

OP posts:

Clutchy · 15/07/2023 10:37

Are you married?

Wildspace · 15/07/2023 10:41

If it’s a situation that either one of you are unhappy about then it’s not great. I suggest you look 10 years into the future - how do you want to be living? Is what you’re doing now going to get you there? What sort of advice do you think yourself in 10 years time would give you?

Zipps · 15/07/2023 10:47

He's selfishly dragging you down. You aren't benefitting from your salary as much as he is. Plenty of jobs about. He needs to get one and pay his share. None of this 60/40 rubbish either, it should be 50/50. If you end up paying 100% you may as well be on your own.

Sealover123 · 15/07/2023 10:49

Are you married?

Clymene · 15/07/2023 10:49

He's a lazy cocklodger.

Quartz2208 · 15/07/2023 10:51

Clymene · 15/07/2023 10:49

He's a lazy cocklodger.

This he is living his best life at your expense.

if you pay for everything and do all the housework what does he bring to your life

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 15/07/2023 10:51

If you split up, you'd pay the same each month, do less cleaning and have less resentment. He, however, would have to work more, earn more, pay more and clean up after himself.

The basic rule of any good relationship is that you should both be better for being in it. The only one benefiting here is him.

With every month that goes by, your are paying more off of a mortgage and he is gaining more equity in a property that he doesn't even clean, let alone pay for.

I bet if you looked back over the time you've had the house and saw the total amount you have paid compared to him it would be tens of thousands.

AndyMcFlurry · 15/07/2023 10:55

Cocklodger, get rid.

You cant be having much fun with him if you work long hours and do all the housework for both of you. So what’s the point?

Floppyelf · 15/07/2023 10:58

Jesus! Do you breastfeed him as well?

calculate every penny you put into the joint savings account. Transfer it out. Close your account. Kick him out.

Heronwatcher · 15/07/2023 11:03

I’m sure he is very happy living off you, the lazy cocklodger!

But seriously he either needs to earn more or you need to downsize your lives so that you can both work at a level which is sustainable- and both be happy with the financial arrangements. Or you need to find someone less lazy!

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 15/07/2023 11:04

Bin Minogue GIF by Wellington Paranormal

here you go

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 15/07/2023 11:05

WandaWonder · 15/07/2023 10:28

How does it work the other way then? Women are dependant on men all the time

Show quote history

Not this century they aren't! Being a SAHP, running the home and kids, enabling the main earner to progress in their career is fine, male or female, but pissing about doing nothing whilst some else bears full responsibility isn't attractive.

Heronwatcher · 15/07/2023 11:07

prawncrackersforlife · 15/07/2023 10:34

No children (he's never wanted to be a dad, and I have medical conditions that would make pregnancy high-risk for my own health)

I'm nearly 40, he's late 40s.

He has depression, but it's managed fairly well with ADs. He says working more might make his depression worse, but I've not seen evidence of that.

Seriously? It might make his depression worse? And what’s his excuse for being a lazy git around the house- no doubt the hoover gives him ptsd or similar…

Working more in a job he likes might help his mental health. And what about you- what if you have a breakdown/ burn out- what would you both do then?

Original poster

prawncrackersforlife · 15/07/2023 11:09

No, we're not married yet. We've been engaged for a while, but I've put off planning the actual wedding because of these concerns.

There's always been an element of me thinking that I earn more, so should pay more, and that would certainly stand if he also worked full time but happened to earn less. The fact that he could work more and therefore earn more, but doesn't, is what makes it feel unfair.

OP posts:

Over40Overdating · 15/07/2023 11:09

Plenty of people with depression & MH issues work full time, contribute equally to their households & pull their weight.
This guy is taking the piss : do you want, by your 40s to be the sole bread winner, cleaner & mum to a near pensioner?

UseOfWeapons · 15/07/2023 11:09

LyricalGangsta · 15/07/2023 10:23

Cocklodger
Get rid

Exactly! This was I thought, and will agree with 💯.
Do yourself a favour, and move on, he’s a lazy twat.

Niceseasidetown · 15/07/2023 11:12

I'd be very uncomfortable subsidising a partner because they aren't working (unless I was very rich and he did a lot of other things for me).

Also beware the trend....the trend is he'll try and get on benefits or signed off sick due to mental health.

He needs a wake up call.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 15/07/2023 11:13

I would pay in 50% for everything bills, food, etc and he can find the other 50% don't let him get away with it.

He is becoming a cocklodger

Leftbutcameback · 15/07/2023 11:14

That’s not something that should have happened without an agreement. Anything relating to money, household work, kids etc have to be joint decisions. I would love to work part time, and my OH now earns enough that I could, but why should he subsidise me to have more free time and do fun things?

Goldbar · 15/07/2023 11:15

What does he add to your life? No reason why he has to be in it unless it's net positive.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/07/2023 11:15

I think there are two rules that couples need to follow in these situations:

You should both contribute equally to a relationship, not necessarily terms of finances but in terms of effort. Eg dont work full time but organise everything in the house, do most of the chores and look after family pets or whatever so that you are using the hours you're not working out the house, making a positive contribution

Any change to the above needs to be agreed by both parties. Otherwise resentment will grow because one of you is not pulling your weight

He has unilaterally decided that he is not going to contribute as much to this relationship as you are. Which is causing you to do more of your share, without your agreement

I dont think you can go on like this without resenting him. It's not the money, it's the fact that he feels he doesnt need to contribute because you'll pick up the slack. Which is annoying in any situation (at work, at home when it comes to splitting chores, childcare etc. Or any situation where something has to be done and the work is normally shared).

And the people saying 'women do this all the time'. I dont know any women who have done this, but women in general usually do it because they're looking after the majority of the house and kids work, which is still a massive contribution to a family

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