Relationship dealbreaker? Can't/won't earn more money

[prawncrackersforlife]

When we first bought our house, we set up a joint account into which we both pay a proportion of our wages. It was around 60/40 split based on our earnings, with me paying the 60%

Over time, he has reduced his working hours gradually. He used to do 4 days in an office, then it went to 3 days working from home, now it's 1 or 2 days. It's freelance, so he says it's because the main company he works for has cut back on freelance hours.

I work 5 days a week, usually 10 to 12 hours a day.

With bills increasing, food costs, energy, increase in mortgage etc, it requires more and more in the joint account to keep in the black. There have been months when he couldn't pay his 'share' into the joint account, so I had to cover it. Whenever we need to top up the joint account, he says he doesn't have any money, so I end up putting more in.

It's happened gradually, so it's only when I did some account checking that I realised I've been paying on average 80% of the money we need each month into the joint account. Some months, it's 100%.

He's said that he's happy with the money he has, and doesn't want to work more than he does. I feel like he's using me to bankroll a comfortable life.

AIBU?

I remember a proper arse-kicking on a divorce thread where the OP wanted to know whether she could be forced to get a job post-divorce, or whether there was a way to ensure that her settlement would be big enough for her not to work. Having not worked since she had her first child and they were now all older teens.

I don't recall a single poster on that thread saying that she should be entitled to stay at home simply because she didn't want to work. The words piss-take, lazy and deluded got frequent airtime.

"He's said that he's happy with the money he has, and doesn't want to work more than he does."

Of course he is. If someone was paying 80% of my bills I would also work less and be happy. He's taking you for a fool. He knows exactly how much you are working and earning, and exactly how much he is working and earning, and he's coasting along with it.
This would be a relationship deal breaker for me. I want an equal life partner who cares and respects me.

I see your offer and counter with two home-cooked meals per week - and I'll even do the washing up on the days I cook as well. I may even stretch to pegging the washing out. Let me know OP!

Urgh. How can he sit back and barely work while you slog your guts out with 12 hour days five days a week and then do all the housework?

He doesn't even like you let alone respect you.

If he can't work he needs to scale down his spending accordingly. Not expect you to pay for it all

Just grim. Don't marry him whatever you do

Hang on...

@prawncrackersforlife

What do you want from your lifestyle balance with your partner? Can you do a list?

@Silvered 😂

It's unfortunate for both of you that he has depression, and that as a result is less able-bodied to work and bring in more of an income. It also appears that he is happy for you to provide more in the relationship....for as long as you are together.

It sounds like you aren't happy with this, so if you really aren't, then it makes no sense to marry him, or continue with the relationship - listen to your gut!

@FBI It's almost irrelevant whether more men / women / gay / straight / whatever people would be more likely to tolerate the behaviour imo. ALL healthy relationships should have clear expectations set out for both / all people involved. In the case here, it was agreed by the couple that the monetary burden would be split 60:40 - to ignore this (whether you are a man, a woman or anything in between), is unacceptable.

It would be a dealbreaker for me.

What's he doing to prepare for old age?

He's a cocklodging wanker. Kick him out, you deserve better.

Why are you with this lazy parasite?

He has zero respect for you

LTB

You are being used as a cash cow. Get out ASAP.

He's got to go, OP. You're not married, you can prove how much you've put into the purchase of the house compared to him. If you're already shouldering 100% of the burden much of the time, why pay for him? Get him out, get reduced Council Tax or a lodger, save on fuel bills (I bet he has the heating on when he's watching TV or gaming or whatever he does all day), save on food...

Call the engagement off and chuck him out!

The financial element wouldn’t be an issue for me, I wouldn’t mind my DP earning less than me.

What would really piss me off is the lazy/entitled element to it.

You are working your ass off for 5 days and week whilst he’s having a lovely time swaning about at home and living his best life.

Sorry OP but you’re being treated like an absolute mug.

If you don’t want to give up on this relationship then you need to separate all finances and pay 50/50 for everything including food, utilities, Netflix etc.

Carry on treating yourself to whatever you want and if he wants something he’ll need to work to get it like the rest of us do, including you.

There aren’t that many relationships where both sides bring exactly the same to the table in terms of money or chores. But you should be a team, working together to help each other and create a life together- otherwise what’s the point.

Obviously for him he gets absolutely loads out of the relationship. It’s a win win on all fronts. Whereas you are the opposite- losing on every count. Why would you bother? He doesn’t enhance your life at all.

so really, he will be happy when you start giving him "pocket money"???? get rid of him, he is just using you!!

@prawncrackersforlife you deserve better move on and kick him out

Well obviously don't marry the bloke because then he can have 50% of everything.

Either 1) you are happy to support his lifestyle; 2)he gets his act together and contributes something like 60/40 again; or 3) dump him, sell the house and move on.

But whatever you do don't marry the lazy bugger. Don't fall for the 'I am depressed and need my mummy' routine. No harm in you contributing more if you earn more but your partner is not making an effort and is just sucking the life (and money) out of the relationship.

Do not marry him.

This made me laugh, mainly because it's so true in this instance 🤣🤣🤣

Does the same go for women?

I was a SAHM. I had a small business but it was only a few hours a week. The difference is that DH and I agreed I would be SAHM, DH earned enough for us to maintain our desired standard of living. I did all the childcare, cleaning, gardening, laundry, shopping, cooking, bill paying, dealing with homework, schools, after school activities, medical and dental appointments, DH had to work but could come home and relax every evening.

The arrangement worked for us because we discussed it before having children and agreed that was how it was going to be. Your fiance seems to unilaterally be deciding you are going to be the bread winner with no input from you. That is not fair or right.

It's in the eye of the beholder.

I'd imagine that most people don't want a sponger for a partner. Everybody needs to play their part as agreed, and will probably turn their partner off and lose their respect if they regularly shirk their responsibilities.

Anyone male or female deciding without consultation or agreement from their partner to reduce their work hours and pay, while expecting their partner to work harder and to pay the majority of the household bills is completely unreasonable.

Never mind the fact that they haven't taken up anymore of the household drudgery during their extra 'freetime'.

But as to your question. A woman would get savaged if they pulled the same shit!

Yeah you are probably right. Can’t believe he doesn’t even do all the cooking and cleaning when op works 10-12 hrs a day and he works one day..