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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relationship dealbreaker? Can't/won't earn more money

197 replies

prawncrackersforlife · 15/07/2023 09:39

When we first bought our house, we set up a joint account into which we both pay a proportion of our wages. It was around 60/40 split based on our earnings, with me paying the 60%

Over time, he has reduced his working hours gradually. He used to do 4 days in an office, then it went to 3 days working from home, now it's 1 or 2 days. It's freelance, so he says it's because the main company he works for has cut back on freelance hours.

I work 5 days a week, usually 10 to 12 hours a day.

With bills increasing, food costs, energy, increase in mortgage etc, it requires more and more in the joint account to keep in the black. There have been months when he couldn't pay his 'share' into the joint account, so I had to cover it. Whenever we need to top up the joint account, he says he doesn't have any money, so I end up putting more in.

It's happened gradually, so it's only when I did some account checking that I realised I've been paying on average 80% of the money we need each month into the joint account. Some months, it's 100%.

He's said that he's happy with the money he has, and doesn't want to work more than he does. I feel like he's using me to bankroll a comfortable life.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Sarfar45 · 15/07/2023 12:49

It would definitely be a deal breaker for me

Watchkeys · 15/07/2023 12:50

What would he say if you said to him 'I'm not happy with our financial set up, I'm putting too much in, and funding you to not work'?

Why haven't you?

I think the fact that you've come here first rather than working through it with him is more the issue. You don't have a loving, trusting relationship, if you don't instinctively go to your partner to discuss relationship issues before you go anywhere else.

Obviously he's freeloading from you. But why haven't you told him you need things to change?

StarlightLady · 15/07/2023 12:50

The percentage figures on the votes say it all.

oi0Y0io · 15/07/2023 12:51

Ladybug14 · 15/07/2023 12:46

Yes. This is concerning. But I'd still cut my losses, pay him off and get rid of his lazy arse

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That could be a good way out of the situation.
However this person presumably realizes that his ownership of a share of the property gives him a good deal of leverage and he is unlikely to agree to sell ... Would you not think?

Thebirdhouse · 15/07/2023 12:51

Clymene · 15/07/2023 12:39

No he doesn't. He's paid a tiny proportion of the mortgage, nowhere near half. He may not even have put in an equal shade.

But I do agree he has some claim on the property so the OP has to sell up or kick him out. He's definitely a financial drain rather than an asset at the moment though. And there's no way he can buy her out on his two days a week of work.

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This is simply incorrect information.

If they both have a joint mortgage, they each equal parts of the property.

continentallentil · 15/07/2023 12:52

WandaWonder · 15/07/2023 10:28

How does it work the other way then? Women are dependant on men all the time

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Usually that’s because the couple have jointly agreed one of them give up work to raise kids. It’s not a particularly smart option IMO but there’s no doubt many men like it as they can dodge all domestic work, and if it’s jointly agreed that’s up to the couple.

The OP has made so such agreement and neither is he raising any kids.

So your point isn’t relevant in this case.

SavBlancTonight · 15/07/2023 12:52

The point about him owning half the house is a good point. You need to kick him.out asap as otherwise you will continue to pay his share of the mortgage and eill have to spend more to buy him out down the line!!!

Ellie56 · 15/07/2023 12:58

Yuck. He has become a cock lodger by stealth. How very unattractive.

Don't put up with this. Don't marry him. Just dump him.

You can do better. A lot better.

ThreeRingCircus · 15/07/2023 12:58

Do not marry this man.

So he's happy with the money he has and doesn't want to work more? I bet he doesn't, he's unilaterally decided that you're the one to bankroll him and pay for his lifestyle with no thought to how you feel about that or the effect it will have on you. He's a lazy, selfish arse.

I work less hours than DH and I earn about 20% of what he earns so I contribute less financially too. However, I do the bulk of the school runs, all life admin, all cooking, laundry etc etc and most importantly this was an agreement we made together to enable one of us to be around for the children more. It's not about the money but it's about the level of effort, both of you should be contributing equally to the relationship in terms of effort. You don't have an equal partner, you have a parasite.

3luckystars · 15/07/2023 13:06

Very unbalanced. You are right to be concerned.

oi0Y0io · 15/07/2023 13:07

SavBlancTonight · 15/07/2023 12:52

The point about him owning half the house is a good point. You need to kick him.out asap as otherwise you will continue to pay his share of the mortgage and eill have to spend more to buy him out down the line!!!

How can she kick him out?
It's his home, he has a legal right to be there.

GG1986 · 15/07/2023 13:10

Definitely a deal breaker! You would be better off single rather than paying for him to sit on his arse whilst you work yours off!

Clymene · 15/07/2023 13:11

We don't know if they have a joint mortgage though @Thebirdhouse. The OP hasn't said has she?

NumberTheory · 15/07/2023 13:11

I can understand if his attitude has drained any respect and love you have for him. (And given what you’ve said about housework, I suspect this is the most appropriate response as he’s sounding a lot like he’s always been a freeloader) But if that’s not the case, consider sitting down with him and pointing out how his happiness to work so little is unfair on you and discussing how you can make things fairer.

Unless his work situation is traumatic, point out that not working is likely to exacerbate depression, not improve it. But in any case, if he really thinks his depression would be made worse by working he needs to go back to the doctor and get more help, not self prescribe and leave you to do the heavy lifting without any plan for getting back on track. Because that shows a complete lack of regard for you.

Maybe go over what your lifestyle would be if you both put into the pot the amount he is prepared to, how much you’d have to downsize, what you’d eat, where you’d travel, what treats you could afford, etc. If he thinks it all sounds fine, you could even try it out for 12 months, see if you’re both happy with the limitations his idea of work/life balance brings if you both do it.

Most importantly, though, don’t sit on this and seethe. It’s very unlikely to get better. The older you both get the worse it will seem and the harder and more costly splitting up becomes.

honeylulu · 15/07/2023 13:15

Don't marry him (ever). End the engagement and tell him the relationship is over unless he works FT again and covers 50% bills. If he doesn't then you'll have to deal with the house situation. I'm assuming the house is joint tenants which means if sold or one buys the other out he's entitled to 50% of the equity. This is a massive pain but you need to tackle it now as the longer you leave it the greater the share of his equity will be. Buying him out is your best bet assuming you can pay mortgage alone (obviously he won't be able to). Given how lazy and arrogant he is I expect he'll refuse to leave. If so you'll either have to apply to court for an order for sale (it will be time consuming and come with a cost). Or you could leave and stop paying (effectively starve him out) but I really wouldn't advise this as defaulting on mortgage and other bills will clobber your credit rating. So try buying him out as a first step and getting an order for sale - which could be an order for sale of his share to you if that's what you want and can afford - if step one doesn't work. Thank your lucky stars you aren't married and have no children which would complicate things further.

Watchkeys · 15/07/2023 13:19

SavBlancTonight · 15/07/2023 12:52

The point about him owning half the house is a good point. You need to kick him.out asap as otherwise you will continue to pay his share of the mortgage and eill have to spend more to buy him out down the line!!!

How can she kick him out? He's an owner of the property.

SavBlancTonight · 15/07/2023 13:19

oi0Y0io · 15/07/2023 13:07

How can she kick him out?
It's his home, he has a legal right to be there.

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Figure of speech. She needs to break up, see a solicitor, make an offer and start the process of getting rid of him which might be easy or hard, I don't know. Probably hard as he's fully aware of his lovely cushy life.

Xenia · 15/07/2023 13:21

When the house was bought did a solicitor advise or draw up a cohabitation agreement or a trust as to the split of the house between you? Is the house owned as tenants in common or joint tenants? These are important first considerations as to the position now for an unmarried couple.

DisquietintheRanks · 15/07/2023 13:21

Do NOT marry him. I'm not one who thinks that men should always outearn women or that housework should be split by income but he is taking you for an absolute mug. So much so that I dont think you should even try and fix this - sling his sorry arse out!

Thebirdhouse · 15/07/2023 13:21

Clymene · 15/07/2023 13:11

We don't know if they have a joint mortgage though @Thebirdhouse. The OP hasn't said has she?

When we first bought our house,

oi0Y0io · 15/07/2023 13:24

OP is Mia, so it's all moot & none of us can advise until she clarifies things

Comtesse · 15/07/2023 13:24

Works less hours but does less housework? Hmmmm.

Started off with a fair financial agreement but has slid into another arrangement? Hmmmmm.

All sounds a bit too convenient to me. Time for a come to Jesus meeting I’d say. Yanbu to be upset/ annoyed by this.

Silvered · 15/07/2023 13:26

He's got a cushy number hasn't he?

Gets to work when he feels like it. All of his money is his own for fun spends. A free roof over his head, all bills paid, a full-time free cleaning service - and in exchange all he has to do is the odd bit of washing up.

GreatOak · 15/07/2023 13:29

Practically speaking, and if you haven’t already done so, it would be worth speaking to a lawyer to have a Deed of Trust drawn up to reflect how much you & he contribute(d) to the deposit on your property and ongoing contribution to the mortgage. If you already have one stating the 60-40% share ask a lawyer to amend this. That would hopefully protect more of your equity & assets in the property should you split up and you might feel marginally less resentful in the meantime. It would also force a conversation with him about the reality of the situation.

I agree with PPs not to marry him in the current circumstances; although having been in a very similar situation myself in the past, it is more complicated than dumping him immediately. Protecting your assets and equity is an essential first step.

Newestname002 · 15/07/2023 13:29

@prawncrackersforlife

No, we're not married yet. We've been engaged for a while, but I've put off planning the actual wedding because of these concerns.

So as irritating and unfair as your situation currently is, it could be worse. This man has taken the decision, without seemingly speaking to/agreeing it with you, to reduce his work hours and, drastically, his financial and actual contribution to your home and life. You are 100% his resource now and in the future unless you protect yourself now and that means not tying yourself in what will result in a legally financial disaster of a marriage. Can you go your own way and buy him out of the house? Or sell up and go your separate ways?

He does not seem like a good long term bet to me and, going by your paragraph above, nor do you. 🌹