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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relationship dealbreaker? Can't/won't earn more money

197 replies

prawncrackersforlife · 15/07/2023 09:39

When we first bought our house, we set up a joint account into which we both pay a proportion of our wages. It was around 60/40 split based on our earnings, with me paying the 60%

Over time, he has reduced his working hours gradually. He used to do 4 days in an office, then it went to 3 days working from home, now it's 1 or 2 days. It's freelance, so he says it's because the main company he works for has cut back on freelance hours.

I work 5 days a week, usually 10 to 12 hours a day.

With bills increasing, food costs, energy, increase in mortgage etc, it requires more and more in the joint account to keep in the black. There have been months when he couldn't pay his 'share' into the joint account, so I had to cover it. Whenever we need to top up the joint account, he says he doesn't have any money, so I end up putting more in.

It's happened gradually, so it's only when I did some account checking that I realised I've been paying on average 80% of the money we need each month into the joint account. Some months, it's 100%.

He's said that he's happy with the money he has, and doesn't want to work more than he does. I feel like he's using me to bankroll a comfortable life.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ANewAdventure · 15/07/2023 12:00

prawncrackersforlife · 15/07/2023 11:09

No, we're not married yet. We've been engaged for a while, but I've put off planning the actual wedding because of these concerns.

There's always been an element of me thinking that I earn more, so should pay more, and that would certainly stand if he also worked full time but happened to earn less. The fact that he could work more and therefore earn more, but doesn't, is what makes it feel unfair.

Paying more because you earn more is fair, but only if you’re both putting in roughly the same effort - whether that be out at work, doing housework, sorting the bills, etc. and making allowances for genuine health issues (which frankly “ooh, it might make it worse” is not). But he’s not putting in the same effort as you are.

You can’t carry on like this, your resentment is only going to grow. So you either need to talk it through with him until he makes changes, or get rid.

DarkForces · 15/07/2023 12:02

Well the good news is he's quite easily replaceable with a dishwasher. They contribute pretty much the same as him and cost a lot less to run

Codlingmoths · 15/07/2023 12:04

He doesn’t even take on more of the housework!! I’ve never ever suggested this before, but a good proportional split here is the ratio of a days or hours wages. So that probably means you should pay 60% and he pay 40, and it’s his choice whether he works enough days to earn extra to that. But if he can’t pick up extra days to contribute a fair amount then he’s just a taker in this relationship. Money, housework , emotional Load, he’s not putting into the kitty for anything.

oi0Y0io · 15/07/2023 12:05

You got your trapped and then he started exploiting you, start planning your exit but don't let him know.

Ladybug14 · 15/07/2023 12:14

prawncrackersforlife · 15/07/2023 10:08

Thanks for the perspective everyone. @BitOutOfPractice , I hadn't even considered the knock-on effect of him being able to live like he's on a full time wage meaning I'm having to live like I'm on a part-time one.

Housework mostly falls to me. He washes up most days, but the majority of other cleaning is done by me. His tolerance for acceptable cleanliness is much higher than mine.

Goodness. What a Prince he is. Hmm

I would never put up with being used like this. I'd actually say that imo he is financially abusing you

Twyford · 15/07/2023 12:14

He's said that he's happy with the money he has, and doesn't want to work more than he does. I feel like he's using me to bankroll a comfortable life.

Tell him that if he's happy with the money that he has, he obviously won't mind going back to contributing 40% to household bills.

Ladybug14 · 15/07/2023 12:15

DarkForces · 15/07/2023 12:02

Well the good news is he's quite easily replaceable with a dishwasher. They contribute pretty much the same as him and cost a lot less to run

Love this! Brilliant! Dishwashers are very reasonablely priced nowadays Grin

Sadly your partner has priced himself out of the market (imo)

alwaysmovingforwards · 15/07/2023 12:18

Aw how cute - you seem to own a cocklodger.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/07/2023 12:22

He's taking you for a fool, op. What a comfy, easy life he has. What a lucky man! He works fuck all and does fuck all around the house, too.

You should be absolutely livid. I genuinely hope you get rid of this selfish, disrespectful cocklodger.

oi0Y0io · 15/07/2023 12:22

alwaysmovingforwards · 15/07/2023 12:18

Aw how cute - you seem to own a cocklodger.

And he owns half of the property, which means she can't make any decisions about it without his agreement, he has taken the piss in plain sight and you've let him do it OP

mintbiscuit · 15/07/2023 12:24

So OP, overwhelming response is you’re being a mug and he’s a cocklodger.

what are your next steps?

oi0Y0io · 15/07/2023 12:26

He ain't any kind of 'lodger' he owns half of the property... she can't just kick him out

Wibbleswombats · 15/07/2023 12:27

I've got a friend in a relationship like this except her gem of a DH doesn't do anything at all. She's desperate to retire but seems to think she needs to continue until she can fund both of them not working.

I'm always a bit careful about commenting on relationships, as people could have said something similar about our set-up and me staying at home but I've contributed significantly to retirement funding, which isn't obviously apparent to outsiders.

So it really comes down to is he free-riding off you and is it fair?

Doesn't sound good tho.

TeeBee · 15/07/2023 12:33

Get rid!

Sapphire387 · 15/07/2023 12:33

Urgh. Don't marry him, he's taking the piss. Personally this would be a dealbreaker for me.

strawberry2017 · 15/07/2023 12:37

He's a lazy fuck. Get rid and find someone who appreciates you and doesn't use you.
You deserve better

Clymene · 15/07/2023 12:39

oi0Y0io · 15/07/2023 12:26

He ain't any kind of 'lodger' he owns half of the property... she can't just kick him out

No he doesn't. He's paid a tiny proportion of the mortgage, nowhere near half. He may not even have put in an equal shade.

But I do agree he has some claim on the property so the OP has to sell up or kick him out. He's definitely a financial drain rather than an asset at the moment though. And there's no way he can buy her out on his two days a week of work.

oi0Y0io · 15/07/2023 12:42

Clymene · 15/07/2023 12:39

No he doesn't. He's paid a tiny proportion of the mortgage, nowhere near half. He may not even have put in an equal shade.

But I do agree he has some claim on the property so the OP has to sell up or kick him out. He's definitely a financial drain rather than an asset at the moment though. And there's no way he can buy her out on his two days a week of work.

Show quote history

Hmmm, 🤔
I hear you but my understanding is that if his name is on the deeds as a 50% shareholder (so to speak) of the property then he still owns half of it irrespective of what he's actually paid towards the mortgage?

Beautiful3 · 15/07/2023 12:44

He's using you to work less, and still be comfortable. I would not marry him. In fact, I'd end it with him. He clearly has no respect for you.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 15/07/2023 12:45

Ditch; sounds like he brings nothing to your life

he gives me the ick just thinking about it

Ladybug14 · 15/07/2023 12:46

oi0Y0io · 15/07/2023 12:26

He ain't any kind of 'lodger' he owns half of the property... she can't just kick him out

Yes. This is concerning. But I'd still cut my losses, pay him off and get rid of his lazy arse

ColdHandsHotHead · 15/07/2023 12:47

Depression isn't an excuse for being a lazy freeloader. Dump him.

Smartstuffed · 15/07/2023 12:47

DarkForces · 15/07/2023 12:02

Well the good news is he's quite easily replaceable with a dishwasher. They contribute pretty much the same as him and cost a lot less to run

A perfect summing up!

I would not marry him - not now you've seen the way his mind works. Even if he stepped up on the work and financial contribution front who's to say he wouldn't revert at some point in the future.

And if you were to divorce, he could be entitled to a share of your pension, depending on where in the UK you live/were married.

MerryMarigold · 15/07/2023 12:48

I think for me it would really depend on what he did in his spare time when he's not working. And how difficult is your job? (For example, my DH earns 90% of our income, but actually in terms of effort expended at work and at home, we are 50:50 for sure).

Does he volunteer?
Does he spend a long time searching for jobs even if he doesn't get them?
Does he watch tons of TV?
Does he need a lot of sleep to manage any health/ mental issues?
Does he play tons of computer games?
Does he do a lot of DIY in the house?#
Does he cook/ shop/ wash clothes?

If he's actually just quite lazy and has tons of spare time then it would be difficult to condone that split. I would have a word and tell him the effort/ spare time activities needs to be more fairly divided.

continentallentil · 15/07/2023 12:48

He is using you yes.

Whether you are happy with that or not, is up to you.