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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Relationship dealbreaker? Can't/won't earn more money

197 replies

prawncrackersforlife · 15/07/2023 09:39

When we first bought our house, we set up a joint account into which we both pay a proportion of our wages. It was around 60/40 split based on our earnings, with me paying the 60%

Over time, he has reduced his working hours gradually. He used to do 4 days in an office, then it went to 3 days working from home, now it's 1 or 2 days. It's freelance, so he says it's because the main company he works for has cut back on freelance hours.

I work 5 days a week, usually 10 to 12 hours a day.

With bills increasing, food costs, energy, increase in mortgage etc, it requires more and more in the joint account to keep in the black. There have been months when he couldn't pay his 'share' into the joint account, so I had to cover it. Whenever we need to top up the joint account, he says he doesn't have any money, so I end up putting more in.

It's happened gradually, so it's only when I did some account checking that I realised I've been paying on average 80% of the money we need each month into the joint account. Some months, it's 100%.

He's said that he's happy with the money he has, and doesn't want to work more than he does. I feel like he's using me to bankroll a comfortable life.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Leftbutcameback · 15/07/2023 11:16

To clarify he pays more in to the household bills because he earns more, it used to be the other way around, and we both work full time. It feels like a partnership.

Clymene · 15/07/2023 11:16

What on earth do you get out of this relationship?

Whattodowithit88 · 15/07/2023 11:16

No problem with one person paying more than the other, the problem is that person taking the piss. He is taking the piss.

You would be better off alone with a chance to meet someone who doesn’t treat you like an easy ride. He can work more, his choosing not too and making excuses.

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 15/07/2023 11:17

Do you want to stay with him?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/07/2023 11:18

So it's not unreasonable for you to make this a relationship dealbreaker. Or pay his half of essentials only (rent, food to cook at home) but spend fun money only on yourself,since he has actively chosen a lifestyle where there is no money for extras. So takeaways, day trips, holidays etc. are just for you.

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 15/07/2023 11:19

End it.

He knows exactly what he's doing and you don't agree with it.

Sell the house, split it whichever way was agreed when you bought it, and watch him suddenly be able to work and earn money.

CaptainJackSparrow85 · 15/07/2023 11:19

I’d love to work a couple of days a week with someone else paying all my bills and doing all my housework.

I say I’d love it - I don’t think I would if it involved completely exploiting someone else. Especially if I was supposed to love that person.

HundredMilesAnHour · 15/07/2023 11:21

prawncrackersforlife · 15/07/2023 11:09

No, we're not married yet. We've been engaged for a while, but I've put off planning the actual wedding because of these concerns.

There's always been an element of me thinking that I earn more, so should pay more, and that would certainly stand if he also worked full time but happened to earn less. The fact that he could work more and therefore earn more, but doesn't, is what makes it feel unfair.

Please don't marry him! He'll only get worse.

Not only are you funding him now, you'll be funding him for the rest of your life if you stay with him. Does he make pension contribitions? Or will he expect to live off yours? Is he paying enough NI to even qualify for a full state pension?

Lots of people struggle with depression but they still have to work. Most don't have the luxury of living off someone else.

ManchesterLu · 15/07/2023 11:21

prawncrackersforlife · 15/07/2023 10:08

Thanks for the perspective everyone. @BitOutOfPractice , I hadn't even considered the knock-on effect of him being able to live like he's on a full time wage meaning I'm having to live like I'm on a part-time one.

Housework mostly falls to me. He washes up most days, but the majority of other cleaning is done by me. His tolerance for acceptable cleanliness is much higher than mine.

This is completely out of order. If he is working less, he needs to be doing more in the house. He doesn't just get to chill most of the time while you do everything. It's pathetic.

lousyatchoosingnames · 15/07/2023 11:21

Dump the freeloading f*er immediately. Honey let why are you bothering? He's taking the p!

TeddySunflowers · 15/07/2023 11:21

It does sound like he is exploiting you OP :(

GabriellaMontez · 15/07/2023 11:27

prawncrackersforlife · 15/07/2023 10:34

No children (he's never wanted to be a dad, and I have medical conditions that would make pregnancy high-risk for my own health)

I'm nearly 40, he's late 40s.

He has depression, but it's managed fairly well with ADs. He says working more might make his depression worse, but I've not seen evidence of that.

Might make his depression better.

N0ëlle · 15/07/2023 11:32

I clicked on this thread wondering if he contributed in another way, but you still do most of the housework and you have no kids so he's free to work, no childcare do divide up.

I'd just let yourself be turned off @prawncrackersforlife

I'd prefer a man that worked 4bdays a week in a shop, but 1 or 2 days work, wile you cover his share continuously, how lazy of him. It's either lazy, entitled or denial.

Summerhillsquare · 15/07/2023 11:40

I hope he's fantastic in bed :)

(But I suppose that just makes him a sugar baby. I'm not surprised he's depressed, it can't actually be good for his self esteem)

Blanketpolicy · 15/07/2023 11:41

I lost my job in my late 40s and it was really hard and scary to put myself out there, but I had to put my big girl pants on and just do it lose our home.

As long as you subsidise him, he doesn't need to work and he'll have nothing but excuses and as he gets older it will only get harder.

You have two options - accept it, or steel yourself for an ultimatum with a short time line and follow through with he doesn't step up.

I have a feeling he won't step up as he won't believe you, he will also play nasty with your emotions so dont make that ultimatum unless you are ready.

noglow · 15/07/2023 11:42

prawncrackersforlife · 15/07/2023 10:08

Housework mostly falls to me. He washes up most days, but the majority of other cleaning is done by me. His tolerance for acceptable cleanliness is much higher than mine.

Can you leave him easily?

mumofone1111 · 15/07/2023 11:45

If it's his company that have cut back I'd have the conversation and say along the line of

We need x in the account to pay for living. You need to put in at least y so if your company doesn't have the hours can you do any more at another company or self employed? Etc anything else he can do? Sell bits he doesn't need/use etc

gamerchick · 15/07/2023 11:47

Tell him you don't want to be with someone who won't pay their way. He needs to make a choice and one of them is leave.

Or you can put up with it forever. These types never change.

Cosyblankets · 15/07/2023 11:49

What are you getting out of this?

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 15/07/2023 11:50

Come on OP. He is living his best life on the back of your hard work. Why do you think its acceptable for another human being to decide that they will live off you? I will repeat this because its absolutely ridiculous... you work 5 days a week for 10-12 hours a day AND do the housework. He works 1 or 2 days a week! Fuck me I despair. He has decided that you are his support human for ever more and he wont change. Either end it or suck it up and learn to cope with the resentment.

ilovesooty · 15/07/2023 11:53

He's a parasite.

I think I'd be telling him to make an equal contribution or the relationship is over.

TRexTara · 15/07/2023 11:53

Floppyelf · 15/07/2023 10:58

Jesus! Do you breastfeed him as well?

calculate every penny you put into the joint savings account. Transfer it out. Close your account. Kick him out.

This cracked me up! 😂

Seriously OP, he is a parasite. Agree with a pp who said this is probably making his depression worse because he can't have much self esteem.

Whataretheodds · 15/07/2023 11:54

I could either shoulder the bulk of financial and housekeeping responsibility for someone OR be in a romantic/sexual relationship with them. Not both.

Evaka · 15/07/2023 11:54

You should 100000% leave him. I'm sorry he's depressed. My partner had depression and works 50 hours a week in a super challenging but rewarding job. It's one of the things that makes his depression and anxiety manageable, along with exercise, talking therapy and meds. Routine, structure, sense of accomplishment are all super helpful. Your guy sounds like an utter chancer and is bleeding you dry.

Endlesssummer2022 · 15/07/2023 11:59