Page 8 | Relationship dealbreaker? Can't/won't earn more money

prawncrackersforlife · 2023-07-15T08:39:08+00:00

When we first bought our house, we set up a joint account into which we both pay a proportion of our wages. It was around 60/40 split based on our earnings, with me paying the 60% Over time, he has reduced his working hours gradually. He used to do 4 days in an office, then it went to 3 days working from home, now it's 1 or 2 days. It's freelance, so he says it's because the main company he works for has cut back on freelance hours. I work 5 days a week, usually 10 to 12 hours a day. With bills increasing, food costs, energy, increase in mortgage etc, it requires more and more in the joint account to keep in the black. There have been months when he couldn't pay his 'share' into the joint account, so I had to cover it. Whenever we need to top up the joint account, he says he doesn't have any money, so I end up putting more in. It's happened gradually, so it's only when I did some account checking that I realised I've been paying on average 80% of the money we need each month into the joint account. Some months, it's 100%. He's said that he's happy with the money he has, and doesn't want to work more than he does. I feel like he's using me to bankroll a comfortable life. AIBU?

ArcticSkewer · 15/07/2023 15:41

FBI · 15/07/2023 13:53

Maybe not encouraged but certainly tolerated more than if the sexes were reversed in this scenario.

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Absolute nonsense

Try it. Post a thread. You'll get your arse kicked.

Make sure it's not a SAHM situation though that you are getting confused with.

Here we have a person with no kids choosing to stay at home most of the week, do little work, and contribute only minimally while their partner works to support them both.

See how many people think you are reasonable. I will be laughing at the arse kicking you get.

Canidoitreally · 15/07/2023 16:05

WandaWonder · 15/07/2023 10:28

How does it work the other way then? Women are dependant on men all the time

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I'm financially dependent on my husband, but in return I do all the childcare and housework during working hours. I consider that I am working hard.

I also think it's up to the couple if they are mutually happy for one of them to do nothing.

Doesn't sound like either scenario applies in this case though.

I'd tell him he needs to start contributing 60/40 again (or 50/50), plus half housework, or else ditch him.

Original poster

prawncrackersforlife · 15/07/2023 16:34

Sorry for the delay in replying- I've been out with friends for the afternoon.

Some of you asked what he does all day. Truthfully, I'm not entirely sure. He sleeps late anyway, so that takes up some time. He's a bit tech-y, so fiddles with his computer, reads, plays games. I went on hoover strike a few months, after asking him to do it about five times. It took him two weeks to even notice I had stopped, and a further week to actually hoover up... once.

I would like a return to how things were when we first moved in together. He did all the washing up then, because I do all the cooking. We would alternate cleaning the bathroom and hoovering/mopping downstairs each week between us. He'd be out of the house at work too, so not making mess on those days. It felt fairer.

But, as others have indicated, I've lost so much respect for him, and I do feel like his mum, having to nag him to put his pants in the laundry basket and not throw crisp packets on the coffee table.

OP posts:

Wibbleswombats · 15/07/2023 16:48

Think it's the end really now. You can't live like this.

cadink · 15/07/2023 17:56

If he's freelance he can get more clients. But just relying on one is a choice, he's clearly happy for you to cough up. I wouldn't be happy with this at all.

Newmumatlast · 15/07/2023 18:00

WandaWonder · 15/07/2023 10:28

How does it work the other way then? Women are dependant on men all the time

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Personally I find that unattractive too and hopefully my son won't choose it. Its different though if they are pulling their weight with unpaid work for the family which OPs husband isn't.

Augend23 · 15/07/2023 18:01

It's not as though he's taken on the majority of the unpaid work to make sure the house is running smoothly etc, so I'd be making clear that changes need to happen. Otherwise you might as well move to a small but perfectly formed place on your own, only clear up your own mess and not fund someone else. I can't imagine you'd be worse off than you are now.

FiddleLeaf · 15/07/2023 18:09

Hyggesaurus · 15/07/2023 15:17

Does the same go for women?

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Yes.

Regardless of gender, there should be a conversation that happens prior to jacking in hours. If the spouse is happy to pay more, great
but this should all be with consent & respect.

IAmAnIdiot123 · 15/07/2023 18:13

Of course he is happy! I'd be ecstatic if someone were to pay for my lifestyle.

Toss this loser back and get a better one! And please god do so before you have children with him!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/07/2023 18:18

As PPs have said, you've (very sensibly) not yet married hiim and you don't have children, so that makes this an easy one

Bin

Curseofthenation · 15/07/2023 18:21

So you're paying his mortgage for him as well as most of his living costs? He does hardly any housework to boot!

Thank fuck you aren't married. LTB now!

Brokendaughter · 15/07/2023 23:43

How is he making full payments into his pension OP if he's hardly working at all for years on end?

Or does he expect your pension to keep him when you are both retired?

I really hope you don't marry him, he'll probably show his commitment to your relationship by giving up work 100% so he can live like a teen boy.

Wibbleswombats · 16/07/2023 09:39

My friend did get married after many years, she feels even more trapped, I think.

It doesn't stop.

Mbop · 16/07/2023 10:07

He's a lazy dosser. I'd get rid. This isn't an equal relationship.

Starseeking · 16/07/2023 12:55

Having to nag him to put his pants in the laundry basket and not throw crisp packets on the coffee table.

That must be such a turn off OP, I'm surprised you can even look at this waster, much less sleep with him.

My lazy ex used to conduct what I now know to be called "dirty protests", and stopped flushing the toilet for a period of time if I ever asked him to tidy up after himself instead of creating more mess for me to clean up. It doesn't get any better with this kind of man.

AndyMcFlurry · 16/07/2023 14:16

prawncrackersforlife · 15/07/2023 16:34

Sorry for the delay in replying- I've been out with friends for the afternoon.

Some of you asked what he does all day. Truthfully, I'm not entirely sure. He sleeps late anyway, so that takes up some time. He's a bit tech-y, so fiddles with his computer, reads, plays games. I went on hoover strike a few months, after asking him to do it about five times. It took him two weeks to even notice I had stopped, and a further week to actually hoover up... once.

I would like a return to how things were when we first moved in together. He did all the washing up then, because I do all the cooking. We would alternate cleaning the bathroom and hoovering/mopping downstairs each week between us. He'd be out of the house at work too, so not making mess on those days. It felt fairer.

But, as others have indicated, I've lost so much respect for him, and I do feel like his mum, having to nag him to put his pants in the laundry basket and not throw crisp packets on the coffee table.

He sounds exactly like my 17 year old son during the school holidays . But at least he will be off to university in a year and will have to grow up. Sounds like you are stuck with this cocklodger for the next 40 years 🙁

Backstreets · 16/07/2023 14:19

My lazy ex used to conduct what I now know to be called "dirty protests", and stopped flushing the toilet for a period of time if I ever asked him to tidy up after himself instead of creating more mess for me to clean up.

🤢 what in the world. What rock did these men crawl from under?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 16/07/2023 14:51

Backstreets · 16/07/2023 14:19

My lazy ex used to conduct what I now know to be called "dirty protests", and stopped flushing the toilet for a period of time if I ever asked him to tidy up after himself instead of creating more mess for me to clean up.

🤢 what in the world. What rock did these men crawl from under?

And why do women sleep with them?

Silvered · 16/07/2023 14:53

Starseeking · 16/07/2023 12:55

Having to nag him to put his pants in the laundry basket and not throw crisp packets on the coffee table.

That must be such a turn off OP, I'm surprised you can even look at this waster, much less sleep with him.

My lazy ex used to conduct what I now know to be called "dirty protests", and stopped flushing the toilet for a period of time if I ever asked him to tidy up after himself instead of creating more mess for me to clean up. It doesn't get any better with this kind of man.

And then was presumably confused when you didn't want to have sex with him?

AliceMay55 · 16/07/2023 14:55

Is this a reverse?

Autumntimeagain · 16/07/2023 15:12

He's a cocklodger. No if's, no but's, he's using you to fund a part time jeuvenile existence where YOU are the 'grown up', and he is 'taken care of' by his 'servant' ffs !

Starseeking · 16/07/2023 15:17

@Backstreets @ZeldaWillTellYourFortune @Silvered

If I hadn't experienced it, I wouldn't have believed it myself. This started happening towards the end of our 7 year relationship; I think he suspected I was getting ready to leave.

He claimed to have forgotten to flush the toilet on so many occasions, despite the fact he knew it genuinely made me feel ill. The first time it happened I screamed upon discovery, as I was so shocked. Luckily we had another bathroom, so I used that instead if I knew he'd been in the main bathroom.

I stopped sleeping with him about 6 months before the end, as I just couldn't face it anymore, so I know what the OP is going through.