Relationship dealbreaker? Can't/won't earn more money

[prawncrackersforlife]

When we first bought our house, we set up a joint account into which we both pay a proportion of our wages. It was around 60/40 split based on our earnings, with me paying the 60%

Over time, he has reduced his working hours gradually. He used to do 4 days in an office, then it went to 3 days working from home, now it's 1 or 2 days. It's freelance, so he says it's because the main company he works for has cut back on freelance hours.

I work 5 days a week, usually 10 to 12 hours a day.

With bills increasing, food costs, energy, increase in mortgage etc, it requires more and more in the joint account to keep in the black. There have been months when he couldn't pay his 'share' into the joint account, so I had to cover it. Whenever we need to top up the joint account, he says he doesn't have any money, so I end up putting more in.

It's happened gradually, so it's only when I did some account checking that I realised I've been paying on average 80% of the money we need each month into the joint account. Some months, it's 100%.

He's said that he's happy with the money he has, and doesn't want to work more than he does. I feel like he's using me to bankroll a comfortable life.

AIBU?

It would give me the massive ick. Being work shy, lazy and sponging off your partner is not an attractive trait. Tell him this and if he doesn’t make serious, significant changes…you know what to do.

Imagine if the sexes were reversed in this scenario....

Wonder how many on here would be saying the same thing?

Definitely don't get married. He will get half your pension and savings as well.

The rest of it - up to you.

If the sex is that amazing I suppose you could consider it part of what he brings to the table in exchange for bills and utilities.

Cut back on your contribution to the household - mortgage is 50:50 as it's also his asset. The rest of it, maybe start going out more by yourself if needs be. Lunches out, dinners out with friends. Let him sort his own social life.

You are slaving to keep this useless man in the lifestyle he gotten accustomed to. Why not sit him down, with the bills and bank statements and tell him to start pulling his weight. I would also start to keep a running tally of how much shortfall he has each month - that's money he owes you/the household. Or, if you're ok with him earning less, and many couples have uneven wages, agree a minimum earning/contribution amount with him. Otherwise... as others have said, he's a cocklodger, get rid.

YANBU to question this and to require him to get a second job or more clients if he wants to stay freelance. In addition, he should be doing more of the housework than you- not less. I wouldn’t be putting up with this in your shoes. He seems to be using you as a sugar mama.

It’s ok if he earns less, but he needs to do much total work as you- (so that is paid work + unpaid housework =total work ) for it to be an equal partnership.

Why do people always come out with this rubbish?
Seriously? You think an unmarried woman with no kids who chooses to work 2 days a week and does no cleaning would be encouraged on here? Pmsl. Mn hates housewives, never mind lazy ones.

Ick ick ick. Wouldn't even bother talking to him about it - anyone who has done as he has is, at their core, a sly, parasitic user. Anyone who loved and respected you wouldn't have essentially tricked you into paying for everything for them. It is his personality, and very unlikely to change so cut your losses.

This is hilarious - and very true! 😂

He's said that he's happy with the money he has

I'll bet he is - especially when "the money he has" isn't his, it's yours! I'd get rid of him asap.

Gross. If you marry him he’ll have half your pension too by the time you‘ve had enough of this bollocks.

He’ll never change. He’s lazy, irresponsible and taking advantage of your good nature. Don’t spend the rest of your life being the carer for someone who should be your partner.

He’s taking the piss……. and I say this as the much lower earner in our household. My husband works 5 days a week, I work 1 or 2 days on a much lower salary. HOWEVER this was our joint decision when we had children. I do all school runs, all housework, all laundry, all cooking, most of the childcare for our four children, all home admin and organisation etc. I “work” 8-6pm every day, it’s just not paid work!
If your fiancé is only working 2 days a week, no children….. then he she be doing ALL housework, cooking, food shopping, admin. What is he doing the other 3 days??

Do you think this makes you sound clever? I’m pretty much certain that if the sexes were reversed in this scenario, the MN reaction would be exactly the same.

We don't have to imagine as there are many posts on this forum about this situation when the sexes are reversed. The difference is the person earning a lot less/or not earning at all is instead caring for other humans - children and/or elderly parents. They are running around all day while the other person is earning money. They are not watching tv and lazing around the house waiting for the person earning the money to come home to clean up after them!

Just calling our the hypocrisy of a lot of MNers on here. Not all but a lot.

The same thing. Often threads make it very clear that the expectation of a SAHM is to do the majority if the childcare/chores/admin.

often a woman works part time to fit in school runs/childcare/chores etc because 2 full time workers is tough. I recently did a short term full time contract and DH is so relieved it is over as he hated carrying some extra load.

this is very different

I bet he does like living off your money. Doesn’t even do the housework. Wow.

Maybe not encouraged but certainly tolerated more than if the sexes were reversed in this scenario.

This would be a deal breaker for me

If my partner or husband thought it was acceptable to do this I wouldn't be in a relationship with them. Relationships are about fairness, respect, support and love, your dh isn't showing any of these attributes

Things that jump out at me…

what does he do the rest of the week and who pays for it?

but seriously what does he do the rest of the week!

have you ever discussed the retirement question - he can’t be paying much into his pot, so I assume will be relying on you then too… and I bet he will retire early and expect you to make up the shortfall…

draw a line under this, move on and enjoy 100% of your money!

There's no hypocrisy on the thread, @FBI

If a woman agreed a 60/40 split with her male partner, then decided unilaterally to work a lot less, and let her partner struggle with covering the deficit she was voluntarily leaving, nobody would be supporting her any more than this thread supports OP's partner.

This. Whenever I read posts like I wonder how he's not embarrassed and how the woman is able to lay down with him🤮

Yeah it's completely unfair, especially given that he does very little otherwise. It's grating on you and affecting your lifestyle so I'd consider it a deal breaker too.

@FBI

Maybe not encouraged but certainly tolerated more than if the sexes were reversed in this scenario

Where have you got this impression from? MN is very happy to tear women down. Is it just that you've never seen it? Many of us have, and you are actively being told on the thread by lots of people.

On the other hand, can I move in when he goes OP? Working two days a week and just doing a bit of washing up sounds brilliant. I'll even run the hoover round too.