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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH suddenly wants kids

693 replies

GeorgiaHunt · 15/07/2023 07:32

We've been together for 15 years, we are 50 and 40 now.

Very early on we discussed whether we wanted children, we were both very on the fence and neither of us ever made it a priority. We did agree that if one of us really wanted to try, then we would.

We are very lucky, very in love still and we've travelled lots, live in a great house, life is full of hobbies and friends. Financially secure, I had a large inheritance which meant I could give up work but I volunteer 5 days week over two roles I find very rewarding. DH choses to work 4 days a week but doesn't need to, loves his job. Very little stress in our lives.

He turned 50 last month and has said he'd really like us to try for a family. I admit I was really shocked, as I'd thought this question had passed us by with our ages - and in all honesty, I think he's too old.

The increased risks of the baby not being healthy/NT worry me, as well as his energy levels. He's an exceptionally young 50, very fit, but age does catch up with us all! 60 seems so old to have a 10 year old child.

And with my age that brings risks too, and the likelihood of not even being able to get pregnant is obviously high. I'm worried if we started down this path, it would just bring sadness and stress. I definitely wouldn't consider IVF.

How would you react? Looking for any advice!

OP posts:
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PaigeMatthews · 15/07/2023 07:35

Do you think he just feels he should have had children, like turning 50 made him think about it.

RWB9 · 15/07/2023 07:35

If you knew everything would go well and everyone would be happy and baby here safely - would you go for it?

Badbudgeter · 15/07/2023 07:35

Do you know anyone whose children you could borrow for a weekend? Nieces/ nephews / godchildren. You might well find the practical reality of children puts him off.

WeWereInParis · 15/07/2023 07:36

We did agree that if one of us really wanted to try, then we would.

Personally, I would be saying no, and would have assumed that the agreement above expired with age.
But women do have babies at 40, it's not a ridiculous age - it wouldn't be for me, and definitely not with a 50 year old man.

Luxell934 · 15/07/2023 07:36

Have you thought about adopting/fostering? It seems like you have a lot of time and love to give.

LobsterCrab · 15/07/2023 07:37

Personally I wouldn't want to start trying for a baby in these circumstances and I'd tell him that.

RandomMess · 15/07/2023 07:40

You need to have a heart to heart and tell him the ship has sailed due to both your ages.

I think turning 50 has hit him and that's what needs discussing.

Dacadactyl · 15/07/2023 07:40

It would be a hard no from me.

I think even 40 is too old to actively plan a child. 50 is madness to actively plan a child.

That being said, if I got pregnant at 40, then I would be having a baby 😱however I would in no way plan for it to happen.

Our existing kids will be 19 and 14 when i hit 40, so would be a huge age gap.

Has he said what has prompted his change of heart?

CheshireCats · 15/07/2023 07:40

It would be a definite no from me.

BigButtons · 15/07/2023 07:40

Both of you need to really want a baby- both of you- not just him. A child deserves to be fully wanted by both parents. To agree to bring a child into the world without really wanting it is a very bad idea and very unfair on the child.
Has your dh told you why now all of a sudden?
What experience does he have of babies and children?
I would talk to him in great detail about how a child would impact both of your lives.
money
freedom
your life style would change.

maybe it’s because he is getting older though that he wants to leave a bit of him behind.
do you have friends with children? It’s a pity you can’t borrow one for a weekend- like they do with dogs- give him an idea of just how disrupted his life would be.

MotherofGorgons · 15/07/2023 07:40

The biological clock is very strange. I wouldn't at this age though. Especially as you have a wonderful life already.

ChimChimeny · 15/07/2023 07:41

LobsterCrab · 15/07/2023 07:37

Personally I wouldn't want to start trying for a baby in these circumstances and I'd tell him that.

Yeah me too.
I'm 42 with an 11 year old, no way could I go back to the baby stage now.
Plus hasn't there been research to show that older sperm also increases risks of disability, not just the mum's age

Sceptre86 · 15/07/2023 07:41

Be open and honest about how you feel. Explain that IVF is out of the question and that even ttc can take couples up to a year before they seek some sort of tests ot intervention. Would you be happy with that? There is also the possibility that it won't happen for you. What would childcare look like, day to day who would be taking care of baby, doing night feeds? Ultimately a child will impact your lives, you are relatively carefree at the moment. Aside from the practical aspects there is a whole heap of worry that comes attached with a child, whilst they can bring great joy there is also a lot of drudgery too. Every other week there is a post on mumsnet from a mother who regrets having children and yearns for her life before. I wouldn't even consider it if you feel on the fence or are happy without them.

Original poster
GeorgiaHunt · 15/07/2023 07:43

PaigeMatthews · 15/07/2023 07:35

Do you think he just feels he should have had children, like turning 50 made him think about it.

This is absolutely what I think, at heart, I think if either of us had truly wanted a family then it would have been on the table years ago.

Turning 50 must have given him pause to reflect, understandably.

OP posts:
KimberleyClark · 15/07/2023 07:43

PaigeMatthews · 15/07/2023 07:35

Do you think he just feels he should have had children, like turning 50 made him think about it.

This. Definitely sounds like some kind of existential crisis brought on by turning 50. I wonder whether he has actually thought about the reality at all.

Gateappreciation · 15/07/2023 07:45

I’d say no. He’s having a romantic view of children and not aware of the realities.

TeenDivided · 15/07/2023 07:45

We were those ages when we adopted a 2.5 and an 8 yo. We were fine with energy levels, though later teens have been hard (due to covid and issues linked to adoption).
You would be at least 3 years behind us even if you conceived today, and tbh I too would be worried about disabilities.
I think having a kid with SN you need the confidence to fight for them but it also takes a lot of energy too.

Conkersinautumn · 15/07/2023 07:46

Would he be interested in channelling this into a change such as working with children or fostering? If he doesn't have to work this new found paternal side could probably really support kids who need that?

RedRobin100 · 15/07/2023 07:47

Sceptre86 · 15/07/2023 07:41

Be open and honest about how you feel. Explain that IVF is out of the question and that even ttc can take couples up to a year before they seek some sort of tests ot intervention. Would you be happy with that? There is also the possibility that it won't happen for you. What would childcare look like, day to day who would be taking care of baby, doing night feeds? Ultimately a child will impact your lives, you are relatively carefree at the moment. Aside from the practical aspects there is a whole heap of worry that comes attached with a child, whilst they can bring great joy there is also a lot of drudgery too. Every other week there is a post on mumsnet from a mother who regrets having children and yearns for her life before. I wouldn't even consider it if you feel on the fence or are happy without them.

All of this

if you are happy and content and don’t feel that you will miss/regret not having a child (or trying) you are well within your rights to say no.
Your DH has just sprung this on you and that isn’t really fair so don’t feel put on your back feet and defensive - tackle him head on with what PP above said.

im 39 and have two young ones. I wish I had had babies earlier - I will not. I am looong forward to getting a bit of me back as it is all consuming right now. Don’t go into it just because of someone else’s whim you need to want it, you really do

washrinse · 15/07/2023 07:48

My parents had me when they were older. They were both dead by the time I was 25. My cousin had her kids when she was older. She died before they were 18. Her DH is in his 70s and an absolutely lovely man but does not have the energy to raise teenagers so just lets them run wild. I know this has been awful luck on our family’s parts and many people live into their 80s and even 90s but I actually get a bit upset reading about people having kids in their 50s because it really increases the likelihood of the kids having to deal with their parents’ death/debilitating illnesses before they’ve lived properly themselves.

Original poster
GeorgiaHunt · 15/07/2023 07:50

WeWereInParis · 15/07/2023 07:36

We did agree that if one of us really wanted to try, then we would.

Personally, I would be saying no, and would have assumed that the agreement above expired with age.
But women do have babies at 40, it's not a ridiculous age - it wouldn't be for me, and definitely not with a 50 year old man.

This is how I feel, that our agreement 'expired' naturally with our ages, and my gut reaction is just no, but I didn't know if I was being unreasonable denying him the chance.

Thank you so much for the replies, it's very reassuring to see my thoughts/feelings are valid.

We'll have a good, honest conversation and I have no doubt he'll understand that unfortunately that ship has very much sailed, and go from there.

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 15/07/2023 07:52

I'm 43 and my DP is 48 and the answer would be a hard no from me. We don't have kids but both have had significant wobbles over the years. It definitely sounds like last chance saloon stuff for your DP. Talk to him and be honest, but as you know, this is not a decision you make on a whim. You would both have to want a child very badly, and you don't, and that's fine. And I agree with you that he's too old

nutbrownhare15 · 15/07/2023 07:53

You need to want it too. It changes your life massively for a very long time.

UndercoverCop · 15/07/2023 07:54

You sound like you have a stable home life and could both reduce your work/volunteering options to give time and focus to a child. Would you consider fostering? It's hard work but there's a huge need. You don't need to think about the long term implications of having eg a 15 year old when DH is 67

TinaTotal · 15/07/2023 07:54

Just because there are increased risks doesn't mean that there will be anything wrong with your baby. You are not elderly and lots of men have babies at 50 and beyond.
Only you will know if you want to have a baby. And it sounds like you don't.
Children are wonderful and can add much joy to your life IF you want to have them. It sounds like you have a lot to give.

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