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Original poster

DH suddenly wants kids

693 replies

GeorgiaHunt · 15/07/2023 07:32

We've been together for 15 years, we are 50 and 40 now.

Very early on we discussed whether we wanted children, we were both very on the fence and neither of us ever made it a priority. We did agree that if one of us really wanted to try, then we would.

We are very lucky, very in love still and we've travelled lots, live in a great house, life is full of hobbies and friends. Financially secure, I had a large inheritance which meant I could give up work but I volunteer 5 days week over two roles I find very rewarding. DH choses to work 4 days a week but doesn't need to, loves his job. Very little stress in our lives.

He turned 50 last month and has said he'd really like us to try for a family. I admit I was really shocked, as I'd thought this question had passed us by with our ages - and in all honesty, I think he's too old.

The increased risks of the baby not being healthy/NT worry me, as well as his energy levels. He's an exceptionally young 50, very fit, but age does catch up with us all! 60 seems so old to have a 10 year old child.

And with my age that brings risks too, and the likelihood of not even being able to get pregnant is obviously high. I'm worried if we started down this path, it would just bring sadness and stress. I definitely wouldn't consider IVF.

How would you react? Looking for any advice!

OP posts:
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5
Sugarfree23 · 18/07/2023 10:19

@GeorgiaHunt I can see how short-term foster or a befriending role could well enrich your life, hard work but rewarding.

And it could suit you, like having a dog over winter.
Or it could become a stepping stone to deciding you want the longer term commitment and rewards of long-term foster / adoption.

Its not all a bed of roses, I know a couple who long term fostered a child, and who befriended the older sibling, teen too old to be fostered, but not old enough to take full-time care of the sibling.
Years later foster eventually broke down but the befriending remains as strong as ever.

Riverlee · 18/07/2023 10:21

It sounds like you have a full and active life. Enjoy!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/07/2023 10:22

Normalweirdo · 18/07/2023 03:32

Sorry I commented prematurely. Having read your replies I'd guess this is your husband's "I'd really like a child" but he's such a kind gentle soul he doesn't want to upset you. 40 isn't old. 50 isn't old for a father. There are things you can do in life and places you can go and sights you can see but making a baby with your person (planned and loved and factored in) is honestly thee most amazing thing you will ever do in your life time 😊

Not to everyone. By far.

KimberleyClark · 18/07/2023 10:23

Normalweirdo · 18/07/2023 03:32

Sorry I commented prematurely. Having read your replies I'd guess this is your husband's "I'd really like a child" but he's such a kind gentle soul he doesn't want to upset you. 40 isn't old. 50 isn't old for a father. There are things you can do in life and places you can go and sights you can see but making a baby with your person (planned and loved and factored in) is honestly thee most amazing thing you will ever do in your life time 😊

I think the OP is in a better position than you to know whether he really wants a child.

And this

There are things you can do in life and places you can go and sights you can see but making a baby with your person (planned and loved and factored in) is honestly thee most amazing thing you will ever do in your life time 😊

Is your opinion. Not everyone feels the same way.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 18/07/2023 11:03

There are things you can do in life and places you can go and sights you can see but making a baby with your person (planned and loved and factored in) is honestly thee most amazing thing you will ever do in your life time 😊

only if you’re sure you really want it, which the OP and her husband don’t. Becoming parents in your 40s and 50s is going to be tough in so many ways (despite what the promoters of becoming an older parent would have you believe), you’d have to be absolutely sure that’s what you want before embarking. The OP is making the right choice for her and given her husbands age it’s the less selfish option. It’s sounds like a lovely person with a lovely life. Why are people insisting on pushing children on her?

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 18/07/2023 11:03
  • she sounds like a lovely person.
Katey83 · 18/07/2023 11:05

Sure - my experience is my mother lost her father age 7 (he was 33), my father’s father died at 59 and various friends had young parents who died in accidents and of sudden illnesses. My point is there are no guarantees - my grandmother is 96…her children in their late 70s…who knows how long any of us are going to live with climate meltdown and wars everywhere. If you want kids, have them, live for now.

DevonMum123 · 18/07/2023 13:19

We have been together 10 years, enjoyed travelling etc, new house and then finally settled to start family, I was 36 and husband 49 when out little one was born.
It's definitely not old these days! Don't worry about the age, only question is do you want a child or not.
For us it was the best decision ever and would not change it for a world.
And being older parents we feel quite relaxed, living in the moment, making most of our family time.
My husband has child from previous marriage when they struggled financially etc.
He says it's so much nicer later in life, you appreciate everything more, specially if you are financially secure.
And guess what, you don't have to give up on holidays! We travel since baby was 6 months, and go on 4 holidays a year and she loves it!
She will be 5 years old now and is our world.

Cucucucu · 18/07/2023 14:18

My only advice is he sure that’s what he really wants . The last thing you want is 5 years down the line realising her agreed with you to please you and he will resent you forever .

Cucucucu · 18/07/2023 14:24

GeorgiaHunt · 17/07/2023 22:32

I volunteer for Shout (a crisis text line service, like the Samaritans but text) which is entirely home based, made lots of friends with so many different people around the UK, but my main two out of the house 'roles' are helping at a woman's crisis center, very tough but rewarding, and the second is doing shifts at a local community shop - it's a great hub where anyone in the surrounding area comes together, from mums just needing to get out the house to lonely widowed pensioners, it's a great place for contact and support.

I also help out with maintenance at a local nature reserve during the summer, and volunteer two Saturdays a month at my closest Parkrun.

Volunteering is incredible if you're able to do it, you can try anything and everything and see what you enjoy the most.

For me, flexibility is key, and variety. I run a lot (half marathons mostly, a few marathons) so I value being able to book these and volunteer around other things. Finding things that fit, really helps.

Over the winter when I have less to do (no nature reserve or races) I take on one or two foster dogs until they're re-homed. It's my favourite part of Christmas, having a dog but without the permanent responsibility!

Show quote history

All you do now you could do with a child . I’m not saying you should want a child but just making you aware that with just one single child that would be easy .
I traveled the world with my son as a single mum , still graduated uni and have a great job , he is also autistic so I can only imagine would be much easier with a NT child .

MotherofGorgons · 18/07/2023 14:27

I think travelling in South America and biking in Switzerland might be a bit hard with a small child.

Sugarfree23 · 18/07/2023 14:38

MotherofGorgons · 18/07/2023 14:27

I think travelling in South America and biking in Switzerland might be a bit hard with a small child.

Which is possibly why short-term fostering for slightly older children 8+ which Op suggested before could well suit them as a couple.

They sound like they have so much to offer. But it does have to be something they both want to do.

And you know what, if they foster a couple of kids for a few months and decide once they move to more permanent places - sorry never again - well they'll have tried.

Aintgotnothin · 18/07/2023 14:39

If this thread is representative of the literacy levels in real life, I’m absolutely terrified.

Original poster
GeorgiaHunt · 18/07/2023 15:18

Cucucucu · 18/07/2023 14:18

My only advice is he sure that’s what he really wants . The last thing you want is 5 years down the line realising her agreed with you to please you and he will resent you forever .

Oh he's sure 😆 I think he'd forgotten all the times we babysat his nieces when they were little and he came away with a headache, delighted to get back to the peace and quiet of our home!

I appreciate what posters are saying and I completely agree a child doesn't have to necessarily mean your life is limited, at all, what some of my friends juggle is amazing.

I do like kids, I just don't feel that desire to experience be a parent; and I definitely don't want to risk my physical and mental health, at our ages. I'm not just considering our ages now, but looking into the future.

Do I want to be parenting a young adult in my 60s and DH 70s? Yes, it can be done, but it's not ideal. And what if anything happened to me? DH would struggle to parent alone, and the generational gap is a big one. I think I'd be rather consumed with worry!

As it stands, I'm very busy, fit and active, financially secure, with a lovely marriage and great friends. I have the privilege of freedom and spontaneity. I'd like to just enjoy this life, maybe in my next life I can try parenthood!

OP posts:
Sugarfree23 · 18/07/2023 15:30

I totally get where you are coming from.

My cut of for having a baby was 42. DH and I are the same age and we already had DC1, DC2 just took a long time coming.
I wouldn't want to have a baby at 50 either.

Maybe you just need to borrow those neices more often 🙂

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 18/07/2023 18:12

Oh lord. Stupid lazy journalists. I wonder if you should get this thread deleted?

thousandbirds · 18/07/2023 18:13

GeorgiaHunt · 18/07/2023 18:11

Must be a slow news day!

Show quote history

Lazy journalists.

Blossomtoes · 18/07/2023 18:38

Lentilweaver · 18/07/2023 18:12

Oh lord. Stupid lazy journalists. I wonder if you should get this thread deleted?

It’s a bit late now. Stable doors and horses spring to mind.

Original poster
GeorgiaHunt · 18/07/2023 18:45

Lentilweaver · 18/07/2023 18:12

Oh lord. Stupid lazy journalists. I wonder if you should get this thread deleted?

It's fine! Not a problem if I was recognised, anyway. Anyone for an autograph?!

OP posts:
Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 18/07/2023 18:49

GeorgiaHunt · 18/07/2023 18:45

It's fine! Not a problem if I was recognised, anyway. Anyone for an autograph?!

Show quote history

I’d be demanding my payment!! Cheeky lazy gits stealing stuff from mumsnet.

TeaGinandFags · 18/07/2023 21:10

He's having a mano-pause.

Whatever you both agreed, fertility has a time limit, more for you than him, and there are risks to you as well as the baby.

There are other ways to raise a child such as fostering. There simply aren't enough foster parents to go round and it won't be forvever. I suspect he's grieving the untravelled path but he's left it too late.

Don't do it. This will pass.

JFDIYOLO · 18/07/2023 23:38

Send them an invoice for your story.

momonpurpose · 19/07/2023 18:02

I am not saying have a child to keep him no way. But be prepared maybe he's agreeing with you but inside feels the same way. My bil was in exactly the same situation and actually a few years passed 50. Said all the same things great life can do what the want didn't want the reality of kids....up and left after 25 years for someone who was happy to have kids. He's in his 60's now with 2 kids. Again I do not believe anyone should have a child they don't want. But keep in mind men can have children well longer then we can

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