DH suddenly wants kids

[GeorgiaHunt]

We've been together for 15 years, we are 50 and 40 now.

Very early on we discussed whether we wanted children, we were both very on the fence and neither of us ever made it a priority. We did agree that if one of us really wanted to try, then we would.

We are very lucky, very in love still and we've travelled lots, live in a great house, life is full of hobbies and friends. Financially secure, I had a large inheritance which meant I could give up work but I volunteer 5 days week over two roles I find very rewarding. DH choses to work 4 days a week but doesn't need to, loves his job. Very little stress in our lives.

He turned 50 last month and has said he'd really like us to try for a family. I admit I was really shocked, as I'd thought this question had passed us by with our ages - and in all honesty, I think he's too old.

The increased risks of the baby not being healthy/NT worry me, as well as his energy levels. He's an exceptionally young 50, very fit, but age does catch up with us all! 60 seems so old to have a 10 year old child.

And with my age that brings risks too, and the likelihood of not even being able to get pregnant is obviously high. I'm worried if we started down this path, it would just bring sadness and stress. I definitely wouldn't consider IVF.

How would you react? Looking for any advice!

I have a relative who had her one and only at 47, but she only met her partner at 40/41 and they both realised it was very much what they wanted.

No problems with the child (almost 5 now and the brightest of children, has benefited in many ways from older parents) and they do have extended family living close by (both his and some of hers).

But it sounds like you really don’t want one.

It would be a hard no for me. Also does he realise his sperm won’t be as good quality anymore, which means higher chance of miscarriage for you? Does he really want to put you through that?

Natural conception at this age is very risky and I wouldn't do it.
I had a baby at 24 years old and found it hard, just exhausting and relentless and felt like i had no time for myself.

There are increased risks but it’s not very risky. Having children is exhausting and relentless at any age. (The only possible exception is very young mums who get a lot of help from their families.)

But OP doesn’t really seem onboard with the idea, which would make it even harder.

BUT maybe you need to fast forward 30 years and try to imagine how you will feel, as a childless couple, especially if your H dies before you, given the age gap.

That’s not a good reason to have a child is it? To I sure against loneliness when you get old?

It sounds like a bit of a mid life crisis to me - he’s got to the point when the chance to have kids (ie his youth) has more or less gone - I think he’s grappling with mid life more than missing parenthood.

I’d suggest he goes and talks to someone to sort out what is really going on, and in the meantime have a think about what you want.

Children bring a lot of joy IF you want them - but it does tend to mean not much room for other joys as they are so full on.

I think 50 is on the very edge of too old, so I think this is going to be quite a swift process. Think hard. If you do go for it, make sure he will really really do 50% - and can accept a huge chunk of his remaining life will be spent in service of these kids.

I think that is a bit of an exaggeration. And you can't blame sperm for a miscarriage. There are plenty of men (mainly men in the public eye) who are fathers at 50. I think Tony Blair was about 46/47 with their 4th. And of course dear Boris has fathered his 3rd (with this wife) at 59.

Well, you are both the exact ages my parents were having me! They went on to have my little brother. We had a wonderful childhood. Yes our parents were and are older than most, but Imm still glad I’m here!

Don’t do it if you don’t want to. If you do want to, don’t let age be a barrier.

You could always pay for a live in nanny as you've told us you have alot of money.

It seems from your posts you really don't want to have a child but too frightened to admit it to anyone

Get a puppy?

DH said today that men often don't fancy having kids until they're practically past it. His solution was, they need to consider having kids while they feel a bit too young and it seems inconvenient. I pointed out that in practice, they just leave and have them with someone 20 years younger.

Talk it through, find out what he really wants, suggest living with the idea a bit.
When you do something that's easy now but would be tricky with DC, point it out.

Plan what the future would be like if you became pregnant now-

Ok, so we won't be able to go away or have a holiday next year- I'll have morning sickness, be heavily pregnant or we'll have a new born.
Ditto no wine tastings or brewery tours.

Ok so no walking holidays for the next ten years, DC won't keep up.

Who will babysit if we want to go to the theatre? Our parents are too old...

Etc. etc.

I'm not talking about putting him off, just making sure you both fully appreciate the changes that will occur.

All this doing everything you used to do works much better when you are still young and fit.

Effectively you'll move from parenting into old age.
A relative became a parent at 50. He's been absolutely blindsided by how arduous it is. He's been living a privileged life with surfing, travel, theatre. He's now permanently tired and unfit, at 58.

Did I say it was to protect against loneliness?

That's definitely NOT what I was saying.

I meant that a child is the legacy of a relationship, a bit of the person left behind when they die. I know widows and widowers who see the features and personality of their loved ones in their children. It's about a love and life shared, and (literally) the offspring of that.

I think 40 is perfectly fine, it’s 50 that’s a little less so. Having said that, my cousin had his first child at 50-something, his wife is 30-something. All seems ok from the outside.

But really - it’s up to you OP, not him. It’s your body and your life. Going through a pregnancy, childbirth, and the newborn stage is a massive toll on you. And it doesn’t sound like it’s something you want from everything you’ve said?

I know 2 men who had first babies at 50ish. They seemed to love the baby stage, not so much the child.

A friend of mine became a dad at 50 (his wife about 20 years younger) and I have to say he is probably the most enthusiastic dad I’ve ever met. And they certainly didn’t have any of the financial advantages OP and her DH have.

Plenty of healthy children are born to older parents these days. There are tests that accurately tell if the DC is fully healthy.
You can also go down the IVF road and try to ensure that a healthy embrio is implanted.
If you are both keen - go for it.
A child will disrupt your lives as you know it but you sound adaptable and with good resources behind you. The average age of humans is past eighty so you are both likely to be around to parent the kid into it's middle. age.

Fostering children is extremely demanding but you have the option of quitting..

? Yes you can because it’s a scientific fact! Men over 40 increase the chance of miscarriage by up to 38%.

Hopefully if you drive home the realities of the exhaustion and inanity and repetition of having a baby, he’ll probably remember why he’s never wanted one!

I do agree that once you’ve switched that switch on in your own mind, there’s no switching it off again until you’ve got a baby in your arms! So it could be full of stress and heartache, needlessly by the sounds of it if your gut is currently saying no.

Why on earth are you (and others) suggesting adoption? How do you think it's a better option?

Being 40 would t put me off. Lots of my friends had na is in their 40s it's now or never maybe that time pressure is on him and now you too. Serious chat time

(by the switch thing I meant once you as a woman decide this is what you want and you go for it)

Fuck no.

Remember, OP: anecdotes are just that, not data. You can be perfectly good, loving, effective parents at your ages. You could both have energy and commitment for another 30 years or more, so don't let the "decrepit at 35" folks put you off.
More importantly, discuss all the possibilities and ramifications of pregnancy, childbirth and parenting so that you're going into it informed. Good luck!

A family, I'd have loved, but a Disney/Waltons type family where everything is great!

I suspect that’s his thinking as well. Turning 50 has left him with thoughts of what if - we have a perfect life let’s make it even more perfect. He’s romanticising.

Fuck no.

Massive assumption that she'll be going with it. They could equally well hate every minute.
The slightest of doubts, DON'T.

I think you are both too old to have a child. When the child is 10 you would be 50 and he would be 60 and that is if you fell pregnant straight away. Too old.

You have a nice life why ruin it? So many couples regret having children and so often it ruins a happy marriage/relationship.

No assumptions. Just advice. You misread my post.