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Original poster

DH suddenly wants kids

693 replies

GeorgiaHunt · 15/07/2023 07:32

We've been together for 15 years, we are 50 and 40 now.

Very early on we discussed whether we wanted children, we were both very on the fence and neither of us ever made it a priority. We did agree that if one of us really wanted to try, then we would.

We are very lucky, very in love still and we've travelled lots, live in a great house, life is full of hobbies and friends. Financially secure, I had a large inheritance which meant I could give up work but I volunteer 5 days week over two roles I find very rewarding. DH choses to work 4 days a week but doesn't need to, loves his job. Very little stress in our lives.

He turned 50 last month and has said he'd really like us to try for a family. I admit I was really shocked, as I'd thought this question had passed us by with our ages - and in all honesty, I think he's too old.

The increased risks of the baby not being healthy/NT worry me, as well as his energy levels. He's an exceptionally young 50, very fit, but age does catch up with us all! 60 seems so old to have a 10 year old child.

And with my age that brings risks too, and the likelihood of not even being able to get pregnant is obviously high. I'm worried if we started down this path, it would just bring sadness and stress. I definitely wouldn't consider IVF.

How would you react? Looking for any advice!

OP posts:
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tizalinatuna · 15/07/2023 08:34

We did it at exactly those ages, and older for no. 2. It has been amazing and I believe given us more energy, hope, life, passion etc. No. 1 just off to uni and I will miss them so much. Also despite pushing 60 I feel no different to when I was 30. Perhaps it is all very individual. I do have a fairly stress free job and DP even lower stress.

cadink · 15/07/2023 08:34

You sound like you could give an child who needs adopting a wonderful home and the support they'd need

Zelda93 · 15/07/2023 08:36

I had my dd at 42 it's doable but you both need to want it.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/07/2023 08:38

Your posts only Talk about what he wants. Just take him out of the picture for a sec.

Do you want to be pregnant? And give birth?
Do you want to become a mother?
Do you want to raise a child?

Canisaysomething · 15/07/2023 08:41

If you don't have health problems I would try for a year and then call it a day and say that shipped has sailed. But then I have kids and I couldn't imagine a life without the joy that they bring. Loads of parents have kids your age.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 15/07/2023 08:42

The key thing is what you want, if you are not sure you want kids, then don’t.

At any age, there is no warranty your child is going to be free of disabilities but the likelihood is higher the older you are.

Not having kids may ruin your relationship if he wants them, true. But having them when you are sold or not to the idea may ruin it anyway, with the big disadvantage of having to raise a child mostly on your own.

Personally, after having being in a relationship with a big age gap, I would say the gap won’t be felt until he is retired and willing to enjoy his time off while you are still working and are constrained by the needs and demands of having a child in school.

If I were in your shoes, I would say no. Whatever we want to believe. Women carry the lion’s share of the responsibility of child rearing, so what you want and think you can manage is the most important thing to consider.

Gettingbysomehow · 15/07/2023 08:44

Dsis had one at 48 first baby. But she is super fit and healthy. Do you want sleepless nights, toddlers, demanding children taking you into the menopause. Id rather cut my own throat.

SpareHeirOverThere · 15/07/2023 08:45

It sounds like you are quite happy with your life and do not really want a child. So in fairness, the discussion about a child ends there. It's a no.

He obviously feels something is missing. Which is maybe regret about not having children, or fear of growing older, or some other issue.

That's what needs addressing. Because he might be unhappy enough to leave your relationship. If he really wants children and cannot resign himself to a life without them, then he is no longer the right partner for you.

The unfairness of dropping this bomb on you at 40 years old is something that should set off an alarm in the back of your head. It is very unreasonable of him to have waited this long. And it might make me wonder about his commitment to you and your life together.

Sorry, OP. It's a tough situation.

HowcanIhelp123 · 15/07/2023 08:45

If you were both 40, had only met 2 years ago and both wanted kids I'd say go for it, but expect difficulty. Lots have kids in 40s, but it does have a much higher risk of miscarriage, fetal abnormalities etc.

But your DH is 50 and you don't want one. By the time you've discussed, started trying, its highly likely he would be around 52 by birth of baby. He'd be 70 when the child was 18. Average life expectancy is 80 in the UK, chances are he wouldn't see his child hit 30. Never see them get married, never meet any grandkids. It's really not fair to put the worry and stress of this on a child. They'll be at uni worried about their dad in his 70's with whatever health issues that brings. Or caring for him instead of enjoying their 20s/30s. He may be fit and healthy now but things can change very quickly post 65/70.

He may decide kids is a dealbreaker and leave to find someone who is open to the idea, luxury of being a man is you can change your mind whenever you want.

CecilyP · 15/07/2023 08:47

Would you be OK if the child had special needs? Quite likely

No, it’s not quite likely; there is increased risk, that is all.

Starlightstarbright2 · 15/07/2023 08:47

I had my Ds at 36 …. I would just sit with it a while see how you feel .

TheBlinkOfAnEye · 15/07/2023 08:48

I don't think 40/50 is too old if you want it. Plenty of people have babies at that age. If you don't want to, or want to set conditions (such as no IVF, it has to happen naturally or not at all), then that is fine too. In the end, it's a choice you and your husband can only make together.

KimberleyClark · 15/07/2023 08:51

The unfairness of dropping this bomb on you at 40 years old is something that should set off an alarm in the back of your head. It is very unreasonable of him to have waited this long. And it might make me wonder about his commitment to you and your life together.

I agree with this. It really is very unfair of him. If he’s having an existential crisis it’s his to deal with and he shouldn’t be putting it on you to fix.

TheBlinkOfAnEye · 15/07/2023 08:51

HowcanIhelp123 · 15/07/2023 08:45

If you were both 40, had only met 2 years ago and both wanted kids I'd say go for it, but expect difficulty. Lots have kids in 40s, but it does have a much higher risk of miscarriage, fetal abnormalities etc.

But your DH is 50 and you don't want one. By the time you've discussed, started trying, its highly likely he would be around 52 by birth of baby. He'd be 70 when the child was 18. Average life expectancy is 80 in the UK, chances are he wouldn't see his child hit 30. Never see them get married, never meet any grandkids. It's really not fair to put the worry and stress of this on a child. They'll be at uni worried about their dad in his 70's with whatever health issues that brings. Or caring for him instead of enjoying their 20s/30s. He may be fit and healthy now but things can change very quickly post 65/70.

He may decide kids is a dealbreaker and leave to find someone who is open to the idea, luxury of being a man is you can change your mind whenever you want.

There's no guarantees with lifespan though. I've known people whose parents died in their 40s, leaving behind children who hadn't even had a double digit birthday yet. I've also known a family member who had her last baby when she turned 50. She died in her mid-90s. I still had three living grandparents in my late 40s.

If you live till 80 and your child is 30, you've been around for enough time for them to become independent. Unless a child predeceases their parents, it's something all children have to face sooner or later.

Blossomtoes · 15/07/2023 08:53

Just because plenty of people have babies at that age doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. Particularly if the person whose life would be most affected doesn’t want one. It would be a hard no from me.

MotherofGorgons · 15/07/2023 08:54

CecilyP · 15/07/2023 08:47

Would you be OK if the child had special needs? Quite likely

No, it’s not quite likely; there is increased risk, that is all.

You are right. I shouldn't have said that..But a significantly increased risk of autism.

Medusaismyhero · 15/07/2023 08:55

My parents were a similar age to you both when they had me - I'm mid forties now and both are gone. I was lucky they both lived into their late eighties so I did have them in my life for a long time.

However, I also had huge caring responsibilities for them as they aged, got ill and died. That's a huge responsibility to place on a child, especially if there are no siblings to share the load.

Being financially in a great place will help but extended family would also be a huge support. Only you and your DH can decide but as a child of older parents, I'd say don't do it.

Oceanus · 15/07/2023 08:55

Interesting how people who having yet reached their 40s think that once you hit 40 it all goes downhill! IMHO people usually feel "their age" because they have a difficult life, as in a tough job with lots of stress, then they go home and have to babysit the DH and take care of the house alone, and often deal with several kids alone. Women cook, clean, ferry the kids around, etc, they do it all most of it.
Given you have such a stress free life I honestly don't think having a baby would mean your lifestyle changes massively. You have the money and you have the time, the issue is whether you want it. Do you want a baby? You have to want it, if you do, start trying now, if you don't, it's not the end of the world either, tell you DP and enjoy your life as it is. Not having a child doesn't make you less of a Woman. Having children doesn't define you, you are your own person.

Original poster
GeorgiaHunt · 15/07/2023 08:56

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/07/2023 08:38

Your posts only Talk about what he wants. Just take him out of the picture for a sec.

Do you want to be pregnant? And give birth?
Do you want to become a mother?
Do you want to raise a child?

It's hard to answer!

Personally I've been through quite a few surgeries in my 20s and I hugely value my health now, so I wouldn't look forward to the physical toll of pregnancy and birth. Hence why IVF would be an absolute no.

The idea of being a mother and rasing a family is a lovely thought, but the reality of the stress, sleepless nights, etc definitely puts me off, especially as our lives are so easy at the moment.

My biggest decisions for today are how far to hike and which coffee machine to buy! I fully appreciate how lucky we are in the current climate to be secure.

I do feel a pang of 'what if' now and then, but not often and I never felt any urge or instinct for a baby. A family, I'd have loved, but a Disney/Waltons type family where everything is great! I'd have the advert style. Which I knew was unrealistic, so it just never happened.

OP posts:
Minfilia · 15/07/2023 08:57

Sorry, but I also think 50 is too old. Especially for a first child. What if he then wants more?

DH is the same age. There is no way it would be a smart idea! But ours are late teens so going back to the baby years would be my idea of hell…

whumpthereitis · 15/07/2023 08:58

That would be a hard no from me.

Lwrenagain · 15/07/2023 08:59

I have ND kids despite their dad being mid 20s when we conceived so it's not obviously exclusive to older fathers, but it really is much more of a massive risk.
I've worked with probably 1000s of kids and adults with ND and their dad's were either, "on the spectrum" or much older fathers.
For that reason I'd be saying no, sorry to say. ND just makes life so much more complicated.

dottiedodah · 15/07/2023 08:59

Cadlink I know you mean well,but adopting a child is more than just giving them a "wonderful home" Many children in care have complex needs, and huge problems! A family with experience of these children still struggle . If OP doesnt want DC then she shouldnt have them ,Maybe her DH should realise this!

TammyJones · 15/07/2023 09:00

50 is a very funny age for men
To me this is a different slant on a mid life crisis
My dh hated turning 50 and dud act a bit odd. He's ok now but I'd be asking him what exactly is going on in his head right now

DeliciouslyDecadent · 15/07/2023 09:01

Playing devil's advocate, there are many women who have their first child at 40. (I have a friend who had her first at 42.) Until 100 years ago, when birth control wasn't so available, it was normal for women to have children right up to the menopause (my family tree shows my ancestors having children right up to around 47.)

It's not that old these days IF you can conceive. Life expectancy for adults is now mid-80s, and 60 is the new 40 so some say!

I think you have to be honest and ask if you have any maternal urges. To get to 40 and to have had such an 'easy ' life so far, with money and the option not to work, makes you pretty unique amongst your age group.

The cost of childcare and balancing work and parenting was never an issue so it sounds as if the life you have fulfils you enough.

BUT maybe you need to fast forward 30 years and try to imagine how you will feel, as a childless couple, especially if your H dies before you, given the age gap.

Is there any chance you'd regret not having had a child?

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