DH suddenly wants kids

[GeorgiaHunt]

We've been together for 15 years, we are 50 and 40 now.

Very early on we discussed whether we wanted children, we were both very on the fence and neither of us ever made it a priority. We did agree that if one of us really wanted to try, then we would.

We are very lucky, very in love still and we've travelled lots, live in a great house, life is full of hobbies and friends. Financially secure, I had a large inheritance which meant I could give up work but I volunteer 5 days week over two roles I find very rewarding. DH choses to work 4 days a week but doesn't need to, loves his job. Very little stress in our lives.

He turned 50 last month and has said he'd really like us to try for a family. I admit I was really shocked, as I'd thought this question had passed us by with our ages - and in all honesty, I think he's too old.

The increased risks of the baby not being healthy/NT worry me, as well as his energy levels. He's an exceptionally young 50, very fit, but age does catch up with us all! 60 seems so old to have a 10 year old child.

And with my age that brings risks too, and the likelihood of not even being able to get pregnant is obviously high. I'm worried if we started down this path, it would just bring sadness and stress. I definitely wouldn't consider IVF.

How would you react? Looking for any advice!

Lots of replies are about you and what you want. As a child of older parents in their late 40's when I arrived I would urge you to consider what would happen if either of you died. There's no certainty that you will live healthily and fit until you are both 100. I wish all the time that my parents were alive again, which might have been possible if they had been younger. It's the throw of the dice but I do feel it's so unfair on me sometimes.

I had my DS at 41, husband nearly 50 we didn’t meet until I was 37, but we are both young and active although not marathon runners or anything. Pregnancy wasn’t planned, I’d pretty much decided the ship had sailed and probably didn’t want kids but it happened. I was drinking, smoking, stressed at the time but also living abroad, Mediterranean diet and exercising everyday so whilst it’s not a given, it also can be pretty easy to conceive at that age.
It’s really hard work, definitely it would have been easier physically in my thirties but I was having way too much fun then so mentally I feel it’s better now. I too am in a good position in that financially we are both able to only work part time, it really is the best of both worlds as we get a break when he’s at nursery and share the load equally. I feel very very happy as I love our family so much, I never could have imagined i would feel this way, although it has been an adjustment for sure. We are tired of course and there are difficult moments but there were before also, it’s just a different life and it’s only a good idea if you want it. I would never have done IVF as I would imagine that’s too much stress at an older age, but I wouldn’t discount children because of your age. You just have to figure out if you want a child or not.

Lots of replies are about you and what you want

Isn’t that why people have children? Because they want to, they don’t think about what’s good for these potential babies. Parents want to be parents so they have them regardless of age, finances, health issues, unstable marriage/relationship. No one has a child because they’re thinking of the child, they have a child because they’re thinking about themselves only.

I realise from reading through that OP had the discussion with partner and decided not to have children. I just thought I would share my story anyway. My partner is 6 years older than me. We decided when she turned 50 that was our personal cut off. It took us 8 years and 9 IVFs to have our son. I also had 3 miscarriages (all different) and one resulted in a d&c. My partner turned 50 the year our son was born. I was 44 soon to be 45 and I had one last embryo which was frozen when I was 43.

The pregnancy was awful - bleeding early on, severe hyperemesis lasting most of the first trimester, there were worrys about Downs syndrome and additional last minute tests with waits for results and gestational diabetes in the third trimester. I was signed off work most of the pregnancy, got muscle atrophy, couldn't walk much and slowly got some muscle back walking after every meal with gestational diabetes. We used a sperm donor as we are gay so didn't have that issue with male partners age. There are alot of risks. But we got through it and we have our beautiful son who is healthy and absolutely amazing! We are grateful every single day.

I know one person commented that cousins might not be a similar age if you have a child later. My sister who is 2 years younger than me struggled to have her second. He was born one month after my son and they share a really special bond when they are together.

I was no way ready to have children in my 20s or early 30s. I really lived my life and travelled alot. My partner and I still travel now and our son will have been to 3 other countries before he is 1. We might have to do things a little differently with a child but we still have adventures and love it! My uncle had his second child in his 60s and she is now going to university. My neighbours daughter died after her second was born from cancer and she was the same age as me. I don't know what the future holds but we just try to eat well and stay healthy. I never felt my age my whole life and I still don't. I come from a very active family with aunts and uncles in their 80s who are fitter than many young people! I wish anyone who is trying to get pregnant the best. It can be tough.

I know I have said this before - but when young people die it is unexpected and unusual - a tragedy. I wish people would stop giving these tragic tale as some sort of proof that people in their thirties are just as likely to does as people on their sixties seventies and eighties.

it is also highly unlikely that men in their eighties are fitter than much younger folk - unless you are comparing them with I’ll or unwell people. The statistics are real and the amount of people on this thread who think they and their partners are immune to the aging process is frightening.

Yes but 60s would surely statistically be very young to die unless you are in a very deprived area?

Most of my friends from 57 to 65 still have 1 parent living now!

They weren’t born when that parent was over 40, let alone 50, were they?

I think most of the ones that do think very much about the potential kid and its life are the ones that don't have any.. just look at the state of the world, without the reality of what having a kid will do to your life, your body, your future...

My point is your likelihood of death (and critical illness) grows exponentially after about thirty. You are considerably more likely to die or experience ill health I. Your sixties than in your thirties. Surely everyone know this? And takes it into account when making the very personal decision about entering into parenthood later in life. A dad becoming a father to a newborn in his fifties must weigh this up? Must consider what his health will be like in 10, 15, 20 years in a way that a thirty year old would not.

Acute frailty units are available for patients over 65. geriatric treatment for patients starts at 65. Yes individual people can still be in great health in their sixties - but at population level there is a marked decline. There is a trend on mumsnet to claim people in their sixties are healthier and fitter than people i their thirties. And because someone knows a thrifty year old who does and an eighty year old in reasonable health this applies across the board and therefore there is no risk attached to having a baby late in life (and I mean in your fifties and beyond).

https://ourworldindata.org/grapher/death-rate-by-age-group-in-england-and-wales

Try if you want, and don’t if you don’t!!

like you said, don’t worry about IVF, just have some fun trying! There are tests they can do in early stages for some abnormalities, as long as you are cool with those then that’s an option!

from teaching I can tell the kids parents age. Older parents make the best most well adjusted kids. Seriously, wonderful children, every single one.

not too old, you don’t get to decide how old is too old for him. But you do for you!

and it sounds like you are well enough off that a lot of kiddos energy can be burnt off in sports/activities.

good luck!

He's maybe having a midlife crisis. 50 is a strange age. My brother marked his by leaving his wife and by then adult daughters and moved to another city.

'What if we'd ... if only I'd ...' goes through most of our minds at some stage. Never having had children is a big one, and yes, this is last chance crunch time for you.

At 40 if you haven't already started, peri menopause is an imminent part of every woman's experience.

Women have a real window of opportunity that men don't have.

And of course health and care implications for mother and child increase with older pregnancies.

'Elderly prima gravida' was the charming term for older first time mums ...

I guess the point is ... do you want a baby?

You'll be mid 50s in their adolescence so at least you wouldn't be going through meno at the same time, which I'm convinced is a a big stress point in many mother/child relationships.

How generally fit, healthy and active are you both? Some people are very youthful for their ages.

My dad was 45 when I was born. He was a lovely dad. He died before he was 70 and we should have had him so much longer. Although friends often thought he was my grandad, which your husband would probably have to contend with, too.

Older parents bring wisdom and life experience, assuming financial stability, etc.

You might consider fertility tests for both / perimenopause tests, which could give a swift practical answer as to whether it's even going to be possible.

But it all comes down to ... what do you want most, pleasing what could be a passing whim on his part, or the physical, emotional, mental, financial etc implications of pregnant at 40?

Or the joy a much wanted child later in life can bring?

We can't answer questions you may have, only suggest things to think about.

The OP has already updated that she doesn't want to have a baby, and is probably hiking the Inca trail by now, while her DH bikes around Europe!😁

I had my (only) DS at 39. Don't regret it for a minute but I admit I wasn't at all my prepared for the shockwave of dealing with perimenopause with a young child in the house. Completely flattened me.

It's easy to see tons of pictures of celebrities having babies in their 40's and feel it is the totally normal. But the biological reality is that there are very good reasons why 20's and early thirties are the best window, healthwise, for having a family. It's VERY hard dealing with young kids when you're having hot flushes, muscle cramps and migraines....

Sounds like a mid life crisis to me and that’s not a good reason to have a child. I think you need to talk this through. One of you wanting a child is not enough, a child turns everything upside down and your life will never be the same so it needs full commitment from both of you. I’m not saying it isn’t a good thing but you can’t undo it once it’s done, it’s a big change of direction that you both need to be on board with and in all kindness @GeorgiaHunt you sound like you’ve been blindsided and aren’t ready just yet. Don’t rush and agree to anything until you’re 100% sure. How would you cope with a SEN child (it’s bloody hard) or twins (higher chance as you get older)? If your DH decided he’d made a mistake and walked away are you ready to be a single parent? ( worst case scenario).

THE OP UPDATED HER THREAD ON THE 18TH JULY

She's not having any kids.

Just popping in as I was tagged...

Still very very happily childfree, can confirm DH just had a bit of a wistful moment, the subject hasn't come up since; thanks again for the wonderful advice and posters here though.

@Lentilweaver 😂 actually something like that!

I hope you are having a lovely time! Did anyone suggest a dog? I'd get a dog in your position, if I could afford kennels to allow me to travel.