DH suddenly wants kids

[GeorgiaHunt]

We've been together for 15 years, we are 50 and 40 now.

Very early on we discussed whether we wanted children, we were both very on the fence and neither of us ever made it a priority. We did agree that if one of us really wanted to try, then we would.

We are very lucky, very in love still and we've travelled lots, live in a great house, life is full of hobbies and friends. Financially secure, I had a large inheritance which meant I could give up work but I volunteer 5 days week over two roles I find very rewarding. DH choses to work 4 days a week but doesn't need to, loves his job. Very little stress in our lives.

He turned 50 last month and has said he'd really like us to try for a family. I admit I was really shocked, as I'd thought this question had passed us by with our ages - and in all honesty, I think he's too old.

The increased risks of the baby not being healthy/NT worry me, as well as his energy levels. He's an exceptionally young 50, very fit, but age does catch up with us all! 60 seems so old to have a 10 year old child.

And with my age that brings risks too, and the likelihood of not even being able to get pregnant is obviously high. I'm worried if we started down this path, it would just bring sadness and stress. I definitely wouldn't consider IVF.

How would you react? Looking for any advice!

Conceiving for the first time at 40 is by no means guaranteed, and you may be fortunate to conceive straight away, but miscarriages or failure to conceive at all is a realistic possibility. If I think about my friends and acquaintances, most of those who had a healthy baby post 40 had already given birth to at least one healthy child, and their partners were younger. Have a look at the statistics and see if it’s helpful for you both. Good luck whatever you decide.

I think you need to decide if you want to try. My mum had me when's she was 41 and was/am healthy. My dad would have been 46 at the time. I think I kept them young but they were a bit out of touch with new technology compared to my friends parents but I had a great childhood with them and have a great relationship with them now. If you choose to try then I just wouldn't put a lot of pressure on yourselves and agree to say 12 months of trying to see. I think the agreement you had has expired but you need about what you want too

I had my 2nd at 40 but she was very much wanted and hoped for by both of us. It sounds as if he loves his work so it would be you that would be doing the majority of childcare. So you would have to be totally on board with it and it sounds like you aren't so in your case I would say no.

My dad had his last child at 62.he was a far better dad to my young brother than he ever was to me. He had far more patience and more money. You can outsource , get a nanny, cleaner etc. Ut do t be fooled it's still bloody hard work

I’m 45 with a 12 year old and I’m now enjoying the fun of perimenopause, HRT and a creeping exhaustion. I have the start of arthritis in my right knee. If I sit on the floor too long I get stiff and it’s tough to get up. I’m healthy, not overweight, don’t smoke or drink, I walk my dog twice a day… I’d feel too old now to crawl round the floor with a toddler.

I wouldn't worry about age so much as you'll be screened for a lot of what could go 'wrong'

But I wouldn't unless you really wanted to it's not fair to being a child into a home where they might be resented.

I think you need to do couples counseling to discuss this x

I had my first when I was 38 and my husband was 50. We had our 2nd when he was 52. We are very happy with our lovely family… my husband is now a fit and young 66. That makes a difference, and we are financially secure, which is also important.
If you both want it… well, go for it. But obviously you both have to want it, as it does change your life in every way.

Don't ruin your life

There’s always the risk of him running off and finding a willing/ younger partner. It all comes down to whether you want one though. I don’t think 40 is crazy old to have a baby. I was 37 with my last and my mum was 41. In your shoes I’d give it a go but get NIPT done ASAP. Lots of men in their fifties and older have children. He’ll be more around for the teenage years than most working dads. Again though it’s more about you because most of the sacrifice will be on your part. Most women’s lives and bodies are turned upside down by having babies/ rearing children but it’s very worth it in my opinion.

There is no instinct for having a baby. But if you are pregnant and give birth instinct kicks in. So don’t worry about that.

Mumsnet gives a slant to motherhood that is only problematic. That is because we come on here with issues we have. Nobody comes on to discuss how wonderful being a mother is. And if we did we’d be told we were boasting.

Here is a place of solidarity and good advice.

I’m an older mother with an even older husband. He at 65 is the age his father was when he was born. We love our children and have never regretted having them. It is not Disney or the Walton’s, nor is it meant to be. The Waltons lived in a time of great poverty, but it was family love that made them strong.

You don’t need anything to have a child only the desire to do so. There is a reason women have baby after baby, even at 40.

And it is not all sleepless nights. On here you’ll never hear that. (I agree with you on IVF, to avoid it). Have a baby if you want one, not because your husband is having a crisis about life.

In your circs it would be an absolute hard no from me.

Don’t do it

Doesn’t matter what others have done / would do
i know plenty of women who’ve had children at those ages and no issues re energy /being old etc. others would not want to.
ultimately it’s what you and he want that’s important and only by both talking and being honest will you come to decision.

if he’s really wanting them and you don’t agree what then?

@washrinse

We have a fairly large age and it took five years of infertility and two rounds of IVF to get our first. My DH was 46. We had our second who is now one when he was 51. We are contemplating using our last embryo in two years. It really is a bit annoying to read posts like yours saying you feel upset. I don't think 50's is too old. Maybe 60+. You get young parents dying too. Just pot luck.

Our good friends had a child at the same age as you and your DH. They are wonderful and devoted parents but now at 62 years old with a 12 year old, the DH is really feeling the strain to keep up.

Additionally, it has inevitably put a strain on family holidays, long gone are the tours of French vineyards that they used to enjoy outside of school holidays.

Plus, children are expensive and this has delayed retirement plans as they both need to keep working to support their child until he finishes school and possibly university.

Of course their child has brought great joy to their lives but it is a decision that both of you need to be committed to.

This

He has a FOMO re children.

He's idealising it as well, no doubt. Imagine what would happen should you do have a baby and they have special needs that are difficult to manage and potentially require a parent carer. Look at him honestly: do you think he would throw in and stick around?

You can afford a child. You can afford help with a child. Your DH is expressing he wants a child as part of an agreement you made. I don't think he's unreasonable in voicing it. BUT you need to really want this and even then there's no guarantees.
You could as pp say try for a set time period if you want to (no IVF) and then draw a line under it and therefore let fate decide?
You both need to want it and both need to accept it will change everything you know if you do have a child.
In terms of age, people can judge, but there's loads of circumstances where people have babies where others think they shouldn't have.

*age gap

If a gentle chat about what has brought this on doesn't suffice, I think I'd also be ensuring a good dose of reality.

How much time does he spend looking after children? What is his experience of sleep deprivation, contant demands, unrelenting responsibility, and never being alone? I'd be arranging some intensive exposure to babies and toddlers if you possibly can.

How fit and healthy is he? I'd be insisting on a full medical right away, and a revamp of any and all unhealthy habits. Annual medical thereafter. I'm assuming the resources to go private. Does he understand that male fertility also declines with age?

It sounds like finances are secure for both of you, but is that still the case if you add the cost of supporting children, and subtract his income? What life insurance is in place? Sit him down with actuarial tables, and with his full family medical history.

Is he going to give up the work he loves to look after this child or children, or has he assumed that will be be your sacrifice?

What if one or both of you develops health issues, what is his plan then?

What if his dream child has one or more additional needs? What if everything that is easy and comfortable about your lives is changed forever?

I would also try to gauge if he is thinking of leaving for a younger woman, with children being the apparent rationale. What is the financial arrangement if you divorce?

Sounds like he might be having "legacy, what will I leave behind of me" type thoughts.

Do you have any close friends with toddlers you could host for the weekend? Get them to come stay and you and dh spend as much time as possible with them seeing what it's like.

Fucking exhausting is what it's like.

Personally I've been through quite a few surgeries in my 20s and I hugely value my health now, so I wouldn't look forward to the physical toll of pregnancy and birth. Hence why IVF would be an absolute no.

I wondered why you were so set against IVF. I had it and know someone else who has. Whilst it was a little stressful at the time I wouldn't say it makes any resulting pregnancy any harder.

Admittedly I was in my early 30s, but I do know someone who had triplets via IVF in her early 40s. Obviously very hard work but she is now a relatively fit and active 70 something while they are fully fledged adults. Mind you, her DH wasn't older than her like yours

Sometimes mature parents are a better option. They have sowed their wild oats, done lots of things and have lots of life experience to share with a child. They have no underlying resentment of loss of freedoms as they have done all that.

I would not be put off by age; the annoy important question is do you want a child?

My husband is an older dad. He was 52 and 55 when we had the kids. Now in his 60s he has had significant health problems. I know all won’t, but reflecting on my parents, the age where their health started to trouble them was in their 60’s. Don’t get me wrong, they’re living life to the max, but they’ve both had ops and ongoing niggles.

@toomanyleggings

”There’s always the risk of him running off and finding a willing/ younger partner. It all comes down to whether you want one though. “

However, don’t let this be a factor in deciding to proceed or not. It’s a very much caught between a rock and a hard place. If you go ahead, your life as you know it will be disrupted and the freedom you have to go abroad, go out for meals etc will disappear. But if you don’t, then will the regret (his) be too much.

Do you think it was a passing comment or something more substantial? What’s triggered it? Was turning fifty just a time of looking back on his life? Sometimes I think you can be happy with the path you have chosen, but also have a what-if moment.

I doubt the DH will run off with a younger partner if OP says no!

I can - dealing with a toddler and menopause at the same time, which could be the OP’s situation!