DH suddenly wants kids

[GeorgiaHunt]

We've been together for 15 years, we are 50 and 40 now.

Very early on we discussed whether we wanted children, we were both very on the fence and neither of us ever made it a priority. We did agree that if one of us really wanted to try, then we would.

We are very lucky, very in love still and we've travelled lots, live in a great house, life is full of hobbies and friends. Financially secure, I had a large inheritance which meant I could give up work but I volunteer 5 days week over two roles I find very rewarding. DH choses to work 4 days a week but doesn't need to, loves his job. Very little stress in our lives.

He turned 50 last month and has said he'd really like us to try for a family. I admit I was really shocked, as I'd thought this question had passed us by with our ages - and in all honesty, I think he's too old.

The increased risks of the baby not being healthy/NT worry me, as well as his energy levels. He's an exceptionally young 50, very fit, but age does catch up with us all! 60 seems so old to have a 10 year old child.

And with my age that brings risks too, and the likelihood of not even being able to get pregnant is obviously high. I'm worried if we started down this path, it would just bring sadness and stress. I definitely wouldn't consider IVF.

How would you react? Looking for any advice!

What do you want?

I’m coming up to 50 and more than two hours with my four-year-old niece Absolutely exhausts me. Childcare is tedious for the first three or four years until they become people that get interact.

And by the time he’s 55 which is realistically when little ones really get into their own personalities etc where’s he gonna get the energy from?

I also think the agreement expired about 5 years ago.

Glad to read you know your own mind.

In your situation I wouldn't consider it.

If your husband is reflecting and thinking of his "legacy", there are lots of ways a legacy can be hugely meaningful.

Would you consider fostering a child that has been left in care and is older?

Two stress free adults could offer a life changing environment for a child to experience.

To change and improve the life path of a child would be an extraordinary legacy to create.

Same here. I would have let it pass me by by now, and resigned myself to never having children. OP met her DH when she was 25 and she is now 40, and he has had ALL those years to have a baby.

As the pp said, a 60 year old (nearly elderly) with a 10 year old?! Oh my days, I could never do that. Many people I know are grandparents to children around that age at 60! Not parents!

Yep, 40 is not old, but it's not a young age to a baby - it really isn't. Let's stop pretending it is.

@GeorgiaHunt You have to say no, because it's YOU who will be doing all the grunt work, night feeds, childcare, and domestic shit. And your DH will be 70 when your child is at uni. 70! I feel you may be caring for a teenager, and struggling with all the trials and tribulations that come with this, and very likely being a carer for an elderly man - at the same time.

When people spout out this 'oh it's perfectly fine to have babies in your 40s' trope, and claim 'everyone in their social circle does it,' do they REALLY never give a single thought to the future consequences? Or are they just choosing to ignore them, and pretend if they don't talk about them they won't happen?

And please spare me the 'yeah but this and that could still happen to a younger parent' because statistically it will be more likely in older ones.

Don't do it OP. Don't upend your life.

I'll be 41 when I have my second child. I had my first at 39. I would have liked them younger but that was the hand I was dealt. My DH is 4 years younger. Some of my friends are still having babies too.

It depends whether you actually want a child? I would say you sound like you could give a child a lovely life but in all honesty it would need to be something you really want. You could always give it 12 months and if nothing happens at least you tried.

Having kids is tough even in your 20s and 30s and a massive life change from what seems like a stress free situation you find yourself in now. You will have to go through the physical and emotional stress of pregnancy plus take on lions share of childcare so massive disruption to your life so you really have to want to do it. Often health conditions rear up in 50s or 60s so your husband might be unwell and you have to look after him and a baby. This should have been considered 10 years ago. I would say no.

@MotherofGorgons because men never do that do they? I know quite a few women in their thirties dating divorced older men. One with no kids and a decent income wouldn’t be looking for long

It’s all well and good to suddenly declare after 15 years that he’s thinking about having a baby, but none of this is on him - it’s all on you.

The TTC, the potential disappointment, worry, fertility investigations (I know you said IVF is a hard no at least) and the mental strain of it all - all at your feet. Not to mention all the physical and mental strain of pregnancy, birth and raising a baby.

The fact you were shocked by his suggestion says a lot about how kids were not on your radar. You have to really want this. It doesn’t sound like you do.

Absolutely bonkers. . Is he casually dreaming of the perfect child. How would he cope if that child was born with something massively challenging. Being 60 with a 10 year old who has some of the issues that have been trending on threads this week would be unbelievably hard.

I’ve met two lots of people who had children later in life.
The first couple had one child by Ivf and was fine, they then tried again 4 years later when she was 44 and of course they got twins.

The week after they were born, dad got cancer. So luckily, they were incredibly rich they managed better than most people. But she was quite open, and the fact that she wouldn’t do it again.
The second couple again they were adorable people lovely, but they had this bouncey toddler who just ran them ragged. Through absolutely no fault of his own just a high energy child. They were visibly on their knees.

To those saying people used to have kids into their late 40s - yes they did. But they had also been having children since their early 20s. Those children born to almost 50 year old parents had siblings that can care for the parents as they age, and be their for their youngest siblings, and their parents often had multiple siblings with many children too that lived close by. They could share the burden of caring for the aging generation. I personally think its too much to put on an only child much more likely to lose at least one parent early in their life.

Having a baby at 40 isn’t seen as strange anymore, but I wouldn’t be having a baby with a 50 year old man.

He may seem fine and active now but I can’t see him happily running around after a 10 year old when he’s 60 (or possibly even older) or wanting to deal with the horrors that the teenage years will bring when he’s 65.

I would imagine that as time progresses, a lot of the parenting would be left to you.

And as previous posters have said, there are increased risks of disabilities with older parents due to the quality of the ova/sperm, and sure I read somewhere that having twins is more likely if the mother is your age. These things need to be given serious consideration as to whether it’s a risk you are happy to take, especially with regards to how old your husband will get and his capabilities as the child gets older (fathering a healthy child also included)

My personal opinion would be don’t do it!

In general, I find Mumsnet pretty ageist on all topics.

I think the median age of members is around 40.

That's fine for the OP here, but some of us older posters can see things differently.

As someone much older than 40, I see 40 and 50 as ok to be parents, as long as it's done with your eyes wide open.

If you both feel you have love and time to give to a child, but the big issue is your ages, then what about fostering instead? That way you aren’t starting from the very beginning age-wise, and you’re making a big difference in the life of a child.

40 is fine for a child. 50 not so much. Also you don't seem to want one. Most men can swan off / continue to work. It's the woman's life that is turned upside down.

Sorry OP. You really don’t sound enthusiastic at all and it would be a hard no from me.

A fifty-year-old who has enjoyed good health and is financially secure is used to having multiple choices open to them in most situations, and to have a high level of control over those choices. This might be the first time that your DH has to confront the reality that one of those choices is now closed to him.

https://www.tiktok.com/@freeandwise/video/7182941849101880581

The interviewer in this clip went on to start trying for a family after this interview with Jordan Peterson. What he said definitely hit home for me too.
I was 40 when I had my third child, so it’s not too old if that’s what you want.

Your life now sounds lovely, and having children is hard. There’s no right on wrong scenario here.

This. ^ I also suspect a lot of women who became 'mothers' in their late 40s, (early 50s even!) were in fact raising their teen daughter's child. Happened a lot back in the day. Funny how so many people have a great aunt, or great gran, or a neighbour of their gran's, who had a baby at 49.

That’s really hard. I think maybe the point at which you thought it was the ‘last year’ there ideally would have been a conversation. But it’s easy to let things slip.
Having a baby is a massive deal. I can see he probably feels it’s still on the cards and will feel very upset if you refuse (potentially even the end of the relationship). Equally, if you don’t want a baby then having one is probably a bad idea. It’s hard enough if you desperately wanted a baby.

I suppose it all comes down to both of your strengths of feeling. If you are open to the idea you could agree to try for a set window of time and to give up the idea if it doesn’t happen.

https://www.tiktok.com/@freeandwise/video/7182941849101880581

The interviewer in this clip went on to start trying for a family after this interview with Jordan Peterson. What he said definitely hit home for me too.
I was 40 when I had my third child, so it’s not too old if that’s what you want.

Your life now sounds lovely, and having children is hard. There’s no right on wrong scenario here.

Way too late imo- your husband wants the best of both worlds but now would seriously mess up the peaceful life you’ve created. I wouldn’t bother.

I’m 43 single and would love more children so I say go for it - if it’s what you want too!!

I am absolutely sure of this. We’ve become aware of two such situations in our extended family in recent years. In both cases the child in the situation only told us once literally everyone else involved in the situation had died. It is the kind of secret that people take to their grave.

There is a difference between having more children and starting a family at that age.